Advice for Parents from an 18 Year Old.

For the OP, life in a lot of ways is all about perspective. Ask any parent, including your own, if they ever thought about how they would one day raise their own kids. We all have said and done this very thing..."When I have kids I wont do this, that and the other. I'm going to raise them this way and that way."

In theory it sounds great. Then one day, you become a parent and with a bit of luck and common sense you realize exactly what it means to be responsible for another life that is not your own. Some of the things that seem silly to you now, will make a whole lot more sense to you at that time and it only happens because your perspective is different. Right now, you are someone else's child and you are responsible for yourself. At 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.... you have no real concept of being 40. That number is so far in the future you can barely see it. Then one day, before you know it, you are 40 but yet you still feel like that 21 year old. Until you talk to a 21 year old, and you realize just how different you really are. Now that 21 year old sounds like an idiot, with all these great ideas but no concept of reality. Is he an idiot? Not at all, but at 40 you now have experience and a whole new perspective.

True story. I was in the public library with my four year old son. I specifically told him not to run in the library. He did and proceeded to slam his head against a table. The force of the impact sent him to the floor on his butt. My reaction was "See? I told you not to run." He stopped crying immediately. I got two distinct reactions. From women my own age (mid 20's-mid 30's), I got terrible looks like I was the absolute worst mother in the history of the world for not picking him off his butt and comforting him. From the elderly librarians however, I got a thumbs up. He never ran in any building again.

I grew up that way. If I insisted on sticking a penny in an electrical outlet, I got one or two warnings and then was allowed to find out exactly why they were telling me no. When the shock happened and I screamed out, all I got was "Hurt didn't it? Bet you'll do that again."

Kids need to make their own mistakes. Over protecting them and bailing them out of trouble does them no favors. They grow up with a sense of entitlement. That's what seems to be wrong with a lot of kids.

Originally posted by shadowland8
Gotta disagree on the drug part and letting them do illegal stuff.

Sorry, but no - you must tell your kids the dangers about drugs and come down hard on them if they actually do drugs. Really, if your kid is smart, tell him/her about the dangers of certain things and hopefully they'll be smart enough to know not to do it.

I was smart, fortunately, never did drugs, never had alcohol, never smoked, took care of myself, went to the gym to keep fit, did my best in school for grades etc.

I really look down on people who did that stuff just to "learn and make mistakes". You know, you don't need 1st hand experience to know jumping off a building will kill you. Same logic can apply elsewhere.

Cheers.

edit on 19/3/11 by shadowland8 because: (no reason given)

One of the main problems is that there is not enough REAL honest studies and information available or widely taught to do with the real risks and benefits of cannabis. That is why honest advice from personal experience is always the best bet. The number 1 issue is the propaganda involved in such substances as '___' and Cannabis.

I smoked cannabis throughout all my secondary school life and I got decent grades. It hasn't turned me into a vegetable and it hasn't turned me into a paranoid freak.

If you wish to read up about the conspiracies involved in the criminalisation of '___' and cannabis please read a couple of my threads;
-The '___'/Acid Conspiracy! ('___' was used effectively in many forms of Psycho-Therapy) -The Marijuana/Cannabis Conspiracy! (Why it is really illegal and the propaganda used against it)

On a side note to certain posters. I am simply offering advice, not at all instructions. I believe you have the right to raise your child how you want as long as it is humanely. I am just speaking from personal experience and observation. If you don't like what I have to offer then don't worry about it!

And obviously I don't think its cool to let your child burn themselves or put themselves in actual danger. I thought I made that quite clear. I'm quite sleep deprived, please don't nit pick on invisible points and derail the thread with spam.

[color=dodgerblue]Its nice that you want to give advice. I was 18 once, I totally get it.

But..

You never really know what kind of parent you will be until you are one. Your perspective will change completely the first time you see your baby. Your opinions will continually change as you watch your little one evolve day by day. Every phase will force you to do things a little bit differently, and then when you get used to that phase---they will throw something new at you. Your children will teach you more than you could possibly ever imagine.

How much will your parenting advice change if you end up with a special needs child? It happened to me. And you have to trust me on this... but you never know exactly how will feel/react/cope with a situation until it is staring you in the face.

reply to post by TechUnique


I like #4 (think for yourself), but I don't agree with #7 (let children experiment with drugs). In order to be able to think for yourself, you can't be influenced by the effects of any mind altering substances, be it drugs or alcohol. One may argue that these things enhance the ability to think creatively, but those thoughts are no longer yours -- they belong to the substance.

A parent who can teach their child the value of being the master of their own mind and body at all times (by spurning drugs and alcohol) is giving them the gift of true independence of thought and action.

If you want the freedom to question things, then start by questioning whether a mind under the influence is a reflection of the true you and all you are capable of.

reply to post by TechUnique



omg.. I love you!!!!!! Almost everything you said I sooooooooooo agree with and I am a 46yr old Mom..youngest is turning 16yrs. For years I would tell people... *Let the KID touch the STOVE!* They're not going to understand everything that you tell them is gospel unless they touch the HOT stove for THEMSELVES! That's how kids learn and grow. I think people think kids only learn under their *guidance* Kids need to explore, touch, taste and feel for themselves so they can learn about all things good and bad around them. Besides...why do parents think that when they become parents they know all? My kids have taught me SOooooooooo many things threw out the years....sometimes I actually wondered if they were possibly smarter then me... ? (lol just joking..I'm a dictionary with boobies..lol..ok..it's possible they were smarter then me when it came to 2nd grade MATH!!! lol) ok..back to being serious here...........................(the grammer and spelling part of my dictionary are broken today...so... yea.. ignore the blunders...lol)

People just don't stop @ dictating to their children how they should live and act. They put their own value systems on *All* around them, and if you don't agree with their value system or their ideas....instead of grounding you or punishing you.................... they're just plain MEAN! (lol)

My kids have never been grounded in their lives................butt and I do mean butt...(lol) There were always repercussions from the choices that they made. I'm always standing behind them to guide them...but never to make them feel stupid over a mistake or accident. They NEED TO LEARN NOW that the choice they make for themselves not only effects them but their choices will effect all that are around them. They need to make sure that they *don't* hurt anyone for their own reasons.

Since your a smart kid let me ask you something..... OK... Jersey Shore...do you watch it? I cannot stop POP CULTURE from influencing my children. I can turn off every wicked program on t.v. or block it...but once my children walk out my door I can't block it *out there* Mike the *situation* was seen on the program meeting this girl and 5mins later they were in the Mens bathroom and she was giving him a blow job. Dancing with the Stars had this guy on their show. I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY! SO your 10yr old asks you... "What's that guy famous for Mommy?" reply, "O..that's the *situation* dear little suzy. He's famous for getting his penis sucked in the Mens bathroom and throwing granades out of his house!" reply, "O, Mom...thanks for the info I'm going to grow up and be just like him!!!" reply, "That's nice dear." Sarcasm..my best feature in my own mind...lol

That's not ok in my opinion. *I don't like the way people look at sex these days..as if it's NOT a sacred issue between 2 people that really love each other* I won't bore you with my own personal *respect yourself for GODS SAKES* ideas and values... however: having someone like that on a family show only shows children that what he does and his values are ok... (let's talk about how you can die from AIDS and other sexually transmitted stuff) The Jersey Shore *GrownUPS) are constantly putting people down and they have NO TOLERANCE for BOYS or GIRLS that they feel aren't *Good Looking Enough* I feel that they actually BULLY people they don't like. WORDS HURT...look at all the examples of young kids killing themselves over being bullied... kids today have no sense of self worth if they don't have the *hottest cloths, Ipods, cars, etc..etc..*

I wonder what your opinion is on all that and... how do we talk to our kids concerning *PopCulture Issues* that we feel go against our own value system. I'm only 1 Mom so how do I convince my children that one of the highest rated shows on MTV is actually garbage! ???? You know how that saying goes... if 1 person says it...take it for just that.. but..if a whole GROUP of people say it..it must true or alright............ If a whole society accepts this show then in kids minds it must be ok. It's not ok!

Again.. you've wow'd me with your post... I think we might be related because I agree with everything you said.(lol..I swear my kids were switched at birth...lol..actually..I'm just joking..I love my girls and they are good kids..) Kids deserve respect!!! The same respect that you demand of them you need to demand it of yourself towards them. What they feel and say is just as important as what you feel and say!!!!

stay blessed young lady... =0)

I find some wisdom in your advice.Pretty impressive coming from an eighteen year old.I would like to see how your advice will change when you become a parent. As some have said earlier in this thread when you have your own child you may change your mind on some of what you have said. Over all I agree with what you say. As for the drug part....If you have given your children proper values and not lied about the bad side of drug use I think that they will make a proper choice when presented with the choice of trying or not trying.

I've not read all the comments so I might be repeating someone else here.

First of all, OP: print your post, print it and keep it. In 20 years or so, when you have teens of your own, read it again...

I agree with some of what you said, not all though.
Yes, children should be given the chance to lear from their mistakes, but they should also be keepen an eye on to make sure they don't run into more trouble then they can handle.
Drugs? No, no experimenting with drugs. Not even to test it, not even to smell it.

My own parents let me learn everything on my own even drugs, as if they didnt care or didnt want to see and sometimes I really do hate them for it! I swore it wouldn't be like that with my own children! Yes I am protective of them, yes I check up on them, Yes I will keep them out of trouble as much as I can and I will keep them in school for as long as I can! Yes, I invade their privacy if I feel it is needed.
Yes, they hate me for it and I don't give a damn about that!

I also been honest with them, always and about everything, they know about my own history and I talked about why I dont want them to repeat my mistakes and how I will do anything to prevent it.

And still, I have a 13 year old who states she will drop out of school as soon as she can ... she also states that I don't have the right to judge her for that because I did it myself.

Let's face it, there is no manual for raising kids because once the kid is well capable of thinking for him/her self, it can go all possible directions, no matter how good or bad you did as a parent!

May I point out that I feel a lot more differently about drugs than most people seeing myself as somewhat of the equivalence of a British shaman. I believe that if children are taught about certain drugs properly and taught to use them in a productive manner then it is ok, in my opinion.

Shamanistic cultures partake in the consumption of the most powerful hallucinogenics in the world. They do not have all the propaganda that is so perpetuating in western civilisation, just wisdom from actual use and personal experience.

Drugs are definitely not good for everyone, in fact probably not a good thing for most people but if you know how to use them then.. well.. you can go a long way

As Bob Marley once said... 'There are drug users and drug abusers'

As one of my mates told me.. 'Some people use acid... but acid uses some people'

It really all depends on the mindset, reasons for taking the drugs and your sense of understanding and thinking for yourself. You'd be surprised at how productive certain drugs can be. I'm talking from REAL experience and observation here. Not some jumped up propagandised bogus trials and studies. You really should check out my two threads about the conspiracies involved in the criminalisation of '___' and Cannabis.

I'm not trying to lecture anyone or dictate how you should raise your kids, was just sharing some advice I have on the subject of parenting. I know it is completely different when you actually have a kid but I'm trying to give you some advice from the eyes of someone who has led a life like mine. Believe it or not I have actually experienced and learnt a lot over my short period of time being alive.

-TU

Originally posted by shadowland8
Gotta disagree on the drug part and letting them do illegal stuff.

Sorry, but no - you must tell your kids the dangers about drugs and come down hard on them if they actually do drugs. Really, if your kid is smart, tell him/her about the dangers of certain things and hopefully they'll be smart enough to know not to do it.

I was smart, fortunately, never did drugs, never had alcohol, never smoked, took care of myself, went to the gym to keep fit, did my best in school for grades etc.

I really look down on people who did that stuff just to "learn and make mistakes". You know, you don't need 1st hand experience to know jumping off a building will kill you. Same logic can apply elsewhere.

Cheers.

edit on 19/3/11 by shadowland8 because: (no reason given)

What's smart about never doing drugs or drinking alcohol? That's like saying you're smart because you've never ate heinz ketchup.

Smoking marijuanna won't kill you. So the analogy is a bit strange. You make your post as if all drugs being bad is self evident. The bottom line is you cannot prevent your kid from doing something. Sure, inside the house maybe, but that's as far as it goes. Nobody is calling for such activities to be promoted, merely for parents to be more honest.

Infact I don't think there's anything worse than people who clearly have no idea what they're talking about, trying to relay "facts" they've gotten from TV and government to their children. Kids relate much more to experience or atleast honesty.

Don't give them propoganda and force your own views on them. Provide them actual facts and experiences, they'll make their own mind up either way. Trying to force your own world view on them is just going to see what you have to say about drugs(however valid it might be), dismissed.

No angsty teenagers are trying to hear a Mr Garrison-esque lecture on drugs being bad.

Originally posted by shadowland8
reply to post by littlecloud

 

That's your own damn fault for not having any intelligence, it's not your parents. If parents tell you ITS BAD, then take their damn advice. I was told not to do stuff, thanks to my intelligence, I realised their advice was sound.

So many degenerates these days. I MOURN for the future of the human race, our next generation come off as horrible people.

Yeah, lets go back to the glory days of the older generation where support for racism, bigotry, sexism, wars etc were all rife.

This generation has more morals than any generation before. And the next generation will too.

If someone tells me weed is bad I'm liable to laugh in their face. As is any teenager who isn't absolutely indoctrinated by their parents. If you did some research and reading, actually exercised your self-proclaimed intelligence, you'd have reached a similar conclusion.

Drugs are bad mmmkkay.

Originally posted by shadowland8
reply to post by littlecloud

 

Well if it's human nature to still do stupid crap after the facts are laid out in front of them, I want to leave Earth immediately.

My parents did make it a big deal about not doing illegal, self destructive crap, and I'm better for it - I never did it, I knew why I shouldn't and made an effort not to and succeeded.

So, I'll go ahead with a tired but true question:

If someone said jumping off a bridge was a really, really bad idea, but your friends did it anyway, would you follow suit?

I wouldn't, but hey, I have integrity.

From where I'm sat her parents have done a damn fine job. She seems kind, smart and comprehensive. This despite repeated attacks from yourself.

On the other hand you're both abusive and condescending. You think someone who might happen to smoke a bit of whacky baccy on the weekend, or knock back a few beers(or has done so at one time or another), is somehow beneath you.

Cheer up.

reply to post by NadaCambia


I fight that stigma every single day. I have broken over 19bones in my body.. I have metal in both legs..I also have stanois of the lower spine... I take ....drum roll please... ***oxyCOTIN*** Before I found my current dr... omg...these self-righteous idiots that treated me worse then a dog is treated wanted to give me crap like Vioxx. Something inside me told me that stuff was no good.. I warned for 2yrs before they took that drug off the market for KILLING PEOPLE!!! lol Narcotics take my pain away..period. I live a good life when I'm not in pain. I'm also in Montana... The MAJORITY of the PEOPLE voted for medical POT. Just last week..these same people that we're speaking of... they're trying to over-turn the MAJORITY vote..not only that... they called in the FEDS to do raids on people that were legal in growing and smoking the stuff, while the LOCAL POLICE babysat outside the house of their fellow citizens!!!! (#YOU greatfalls POLICE!!! traders!!!) I never got *my card*..you think I trust the govn't? HA.. I told everyone don't give them your name.. it's going to come back and BITE YEA! I've been smoking since a young age..never been caught and when I have the cops threw it on the ground or pretended they didn't see it. I actually turned 1 cop onto the stuff. Anyways.. just wanted to say you hit the nail on the HEAD when you spoke of *those* people that have their opinion without experience. Those same people are self-righteous and YOU WILL COMPLY with what they say!! period. I'm all for rules and laws..but the U.S. has crossed the line after Kennedy died. We're under a dictatorship period!

For an 18 year old I think you have very good advice. I am a 49 year old mother of three and did not feel offended by anything you said. I made some of these same observations when I was still a teen and made some decisions on how I would raise my kids. I remembered what it felt like to have parents who were not involved in my world. My parents never had time for us. I knew this was not how I wanted my kids to feel someday. My kids are awesome and had a good childhood.

My youngest is 17 and we go horseback riding all the time and she is my whole world right now. She does not watch tv or have unlimited access to music and is not on the internet. She reads a lot and is homeschooled. After I took her out of school it took several months to feel like I got my daughter back. She is now thinking for herself and I am not indoctrinating her. She reads a lot of books that were written before 1960. She is happier now than she was when she was in school and around her friends who are all suffering from depression, or so they think. They really are miserable.

Anyway, good job!!

reply to post by schuyler


So you're saying that you disagree with these observations because he's wrong...or simply because he's young and therefore can't possibly have any intelligent thoughts on the matter.

Myself, I've heard a lot of his advice come out of the mouth of my grandparents in one form or another.

You have may have some good advice from the childs perspective, but try being a parent for an hour, a day, or even, GASP, a year. Then you'll understand why people are being defensive about their parenting. What matters is what science tells us and what the circumstances say.

There's human nature and mistakes and then there's our culture. Our culture isn't always right, and sometimes what's right depends on our culture. What you have is some people trying to force you to be a certain way, and those who think they can throw enough evidence at you to behave a certain way. And then there's an inbetween where they offer a mix of force and education. All of these can work depending on the circumstances. When it doesn't work, the parents will blame the child or the child will blame the parent or some combination thereof. When it works the parent will congratulate themselves or the child will thank themselves or some mix of this. Fact is, we don't have nearly the control over our children or ourselves that we imagine. There're many things out of our hands and up to god and/or nature. Are you a spiritual person?

Originally posted by TechUnique
I know what your thinking

This hippy kid trip head knows nothing of parenting.

But consider my advice for just one second though, I have seen quite a lot of children develop under a vastly different amount of circumstances and environments with many different parenting techniques.
This is not a guide.. or a rant. Simple short tid bits of advice I can offer based on personal experience, observation and very efficient and effective psychological profiling.

I am not quite sure how to display this thread so I shall just go with the flow, please bare with me.

1. When you have a young baby don't go over the top on the flamboyant silly talk. Put effort into portraying emotions healthily, Influence fun, action and consequence and any type of contact or communication. Don't just chuck the kid toys to play with, play with the toys with the kid, conversing and displays your emotions and inspiring fun and curiosity!

2. Don't let T.V raise your child! You probably all already know this. One major, MAJOR tip. Encourage your children to watch cartoons from the 90's or previously. The reason I offer this advice is because I have noticed that any kids cartoons that come out nowadays are completely mindless compared to the ones I used to watch and older generations used to watch. I get a deep sense of corporatism, mind manipulation and subliminal advertisement from cartoons around nowadays.

3. Don't Molly Coddle your kids! Let them make mistakes. Let them learn from their own mistakes. What doesn't break you only makes you stronger! I'm obviously not talking about letting your kid run out into the road or anything silly like that. Just because you see something as pointless and possibly slightly painful but not dangerous, let your kid do it and find out for themselves. If you suppress their curiosity you are automatically disabling their ability to think properly outside of the box! I will touch on this and go further with Number 4.

4. Encourage your kids to think for themselves. Encourage them to question authority in a positive productive way. The more people learn to question things in a more healthy way, the more empathy they will develop for other human beings. Making them more humane

5. Don't tell your kids silly stories that are complete nonsense in order to get them not to do something. This is silly and counter productive. They aren't going to understand properly why they aren't supposed to do something, therefore their moral system does not develop to its full potential early enough. This may sound stupid but please read on to number 6.

6. The easier you make it for your child to develop their cognitive, self thinking and social skills at an earlier age is very important and productive because of the following reasons;
- They develop a healthy and un-warped sense of curiosity which helps them learn things quicker and with a better perception.
- They learn how to solve problems better and more efficiently, meaning they can learn real life lessons faster making them more wise. Real knowledge really comes in handy in todays young social life, trust me.

7. Drugs. If your kid experiments with cannabis, let them do their thing and they will most likely get bored of it or even if they don't they could probably use it productively. If you force your child away from something and oppress their curiosity they will want to do what you don't want them to even more. You will force your child into being a rebel and maybe aid in them forming an unhealthy mental addiction the the drug. Please remember, my advice is truly from personal experience and on point observation.

8. Be Honest with your Kids. If they ask you a question about a controversial topic or a topic you feel uncomfortable about be HONEST. Don't sugar coat any mistakes you've done in the past or make a situation sound better than what it is, be honest. Dishonesty is completely counter productive in the process of learning.

9. Don't let video games raise your kids. When your kid is doing nothing but playing video games and eating this is REALLY bad.

10. Show them real music! PLEASE FOR GODS SAKE DON'T LET THEM JUST LISTEN TO THE CHARTS AND COMMERCIAL MUSIC. Its all part of the indoctrination process.

*Takes tin foil hat off*

edit on 26/10/2010 by TechUnique because: (no reason given)

Im an old person to you but I agree with the points you make and also when I was young like you I thought a similar way and still do - age makes no difference to where you are at so to speak

reply to [url= by littlecloud[/url]


I blame it on alot of rap music. Don't get me wrong I love rap but so much of it is about drugs sex guns kids thinks it's cool when tthey hear lil wayne talk ab that drug he takes all the time like cough medicine. Yeah I swear every guy in my school was doing that # because he raps about it.

Same parents ( us)
two girls one "sailed" through public school knocked out a bachelors of science in computer science pulls down $80K+developing software for a major corp.;her sister fought us; lied; did drugs tats; threatened us.. Love'em both forever.Kids are different.from the early side of "51": 1st rule: at 18 you don't know squat...(but you think you have it all worked out( Believe me we've ALL been "18" before) .

Originally posted by 46ACE
Same parents ( us)
two girls one "sailed" through public school knocked out a bachelors of science in computer science pulls down $80K+developing software for a major corp.;her sister fought us; lied; did drugs tats; threatened us.. Love'em both forever.Kids are different.from the early side of "51": 1st rule: at 18 you don't know squat...(but you think you have it all worked out( Believe me we've ALL been "18" before) .

That is not always the case - Many young people have fantasic and inspired ideas which so called "older and wiser" ones undermine. To a child answers are simple - It is only later in life that the indoctrinations kick in and undermine original thinking