I have a very hard time socially and in HS. Any advice?

The end of a matter is better than its beginning so patience of spirit is better than being disdainfully proud of spirit and never truly learning from lifes ordeals.
I believe if one can incorporate the following spititual and mental states into ones personality you will see your life having a purpose and that others will gravitate and be drawn towards you.
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-control
As you learn to develop these into your every-day life you will see negative behavior fade away from your life.I believe every human on this planet could do without immorality, enmities, strife, jealousy, anger, disputes and dissension.
All human knowledge is learned from the very first memory we have until the last breath we take.We are not born being philosophers, doctors or scientists.
Knowledge does indeed grow exponentially. The more you know, the greater your ability to learn, the faster you expand your knowledge base.
So, take this metaphor to heart my young friend.

Time is like a river...and books are boats. Many books will start down that river, only to be wrecked and lost beyond recall in its sands.A very few, endure the testings of time and live to bless or curse the ages following.Even though they endured the test of time and have survived unto today they are still not in the best of shape.Some have rotted and others fallen apart. Your job is to find and understand these books and why they are in the condition they are in and what wisdom/knowledge contained within their construction allowed them to survive and whether that wisdon or knowledge is beneficial.It is not an easy process but I promise you it is very rewarding.

reply to post by new_here


Thanks for the post I'll have to look into that book. I googled it really quick and it looks interesting, so I'll have to get my hands on a copy.

And yes, i do write. I'm taking a writing class. In November, we took place in this thing called the Nanowrimo, which is basically where you have to write 20,000 in the month of November. I tried a bunch of topics & short stories to see what caught on. One that really caught on was a story called "The Organization", which is sort of a combination of the X-Men, MIB, UFO's, and some other ATS topics. It starts with a guy being kidnapped and being given the choice to be part of an organization with unlimited funds & resources, who act as a cleanup crew of UFO sightings, negotiate with aliens, experiment with psychic abilities and have a way in to pretty much all gov't organizations.

It's not finished and it came out sounding more juvenile than i would have liked (it came out sounding like a YA novel rather than adult like i intended), but if anybody is interested, I'll post a PDF of it on here and you can read it if you want.

reply to post by Lysergic


Haha that's funny. I guess it's a byproduct of the Twilight craze. On another note (not to get off topic too much) Twilight might be for teenage girls, but have any of you seen True Blood or The Vampire Diaries? Those 2 shows are actually pretty cool. True Blood is awesome, and The Vampire Diaries is slightly less intense, and you would think it would suck since it's geared toward teens, but still pretty intense and miles more than Twilight. It's like a more watered down and censored version of True Blood.

Originally posted by prolific
Look, I'll be quiet honest with you. I am currently a sophomore in Hs, I guess you can say I am one of the so called social butterflies, and trust me, I hate every minute of it. Just the sheer stupidity among my colleagues makes me want to punch walls in this so called high school. You're not missing out bud,be glad you're different.

Thanks Why don't you try finding some people you might get along better with? I'm not sure if you do any sports, but think about doing cross country in the fall and/or track in the spring/winter. If there would be a group of people in HS who are generally the nicest & warmest, it's the runners. They're generally happy go lucky kids.

reply to post by Illusionsaregrander


Maybe, but probably not at my school. My school is the richest in one of the richest counties in the country. No, my family is not rich. We just live in an upper-middle class neighborhood and managed to get in before the prices soared. But the kids at my school are just preppy with MacBooks and iPhone and don't appreciate it, they take it for granted. I mean, i have both a MacBook and an iPhone, but it took me months and 2 jobs to save up to buy them. So i doubt trailer park is a possibility for them.

reply to post by mossme89


Put it this way...if people dont like you for WHO YOU ARE then they aint worthy of your friendship anyways. You might say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing but what does that matter in friendship? Those that become your friends will understand that its just the perks of you as a person.

I used to have a lot of friends in school, now i'm 27 and i have a few select very close friends and thats it...i dont want lots of friends anymore because as you get older you will soon see who your true friends are!!

Keep you chin up...it'll always work out

In my opinion it's the rich kids who are usually the biggest dicks in HS.

Friends are way overrated. They usually just wind up being a pit of endless favors and annoyances.

Originally posted by whatifitweretrue
reply to post by mossme89

 

I have a friend like you and we have been mates since kids. Trust me at age 28 he has a really great job and a really hot girlfriend. He will tell you himself he is fat ugly and smell like old people

(nor direspect to anyone im nothing special myself) but he was always left out last , very eccentric yet every one still laughed at him. But he has really stuck it to them now cause his girlfriend loves him because he is who he is. Stick with it buddy.

Wow, that's awesome. Thank you for that

reply to post by Thompa

I totally get that. You go up to someone to talk and try to be friendly and they're like "why are you talking to me?" and get creeped out. It's stupid and frustrating.

By the way, that is a terrible avatar. You need to change it ASAP. (Redskins fan ) Can you still watch the NFL in Sweden? What position do you think you'll play? When i played, i was a WR and a QB, as well as a DB, however i couldn't throw for the life of me and a few times had more INT's than completions lol. Now i'm a runner

Originally posted by Fingersoup
I guess your going to college next. Things will drastically change if it's a school of any significant size. It will be a 180 for you. No cliques, lots of diversity and real world experiences.

Lastly, do you have any older males in your life to be a role model? The transition from insecure / socially awkward teen to adult is easier when you have someone to look to as an example. I would suggest that you check out a group like habitat for humanity, a local soup kitchen or maybe volunteer at nursing home where you can learn the true happiness that comes with giving to others and to be around positive adult influences. Learn from your elders.

Good luck man.

edit on 18-2-2011 by Fingersoup because: (no reason given)

edit on 18-2-2011 by Fingersoup because: typos

Yep, I'll be starting at a community college of 10,000 people this fall. It's cheaper and a 5 minute drive with traffic (i could literally run there if i had to), so it's very convenient .

I hang around my neighbors and their friends. They're around 40, but are pretty chill and cool people. Plus, they dig motorcycles and have 2 of them

Originally posted by 547000
In my opinion it's the rich kids who are usually the biggest dicks in HS.

Amen to that.

reply to post by mossme89


hey there, mossme89

This thread you've started here is a pretty good example of why you might get some of the reactions that you do.

You are very analytical, perceptive, clear in your thinking, well spoken...you are earnest, honest - sincere

And direct

Sucks for you

:-)

But - not for long

I just read through some of your threads - and your posts in other threads. Your thread about the concept of the muse - nice. Unfortunately in here - sometimes the really interesting threads go nowhere

You have an interesting mind. You are also interested - in everything - including people

How and what people are - what they could be...

You like people - good for you

As has been said in high school yearbooks everywhere throughout the history of yearbooks - don't ever change

I have more to say - and not enough time this morning to say it right. Unfortunately. So, getting to my point (and I do have one...)

Take it from someone who was 'that weird girl' in high school :-)

More people like you than you know - it's just difficult to see sometimes. Especially before you really learn to read what's going on around you

The people you put off? They have their own issues - and people who can say what they're thinking or express what they're feeling spontaneously and directly have a bad effect on them

you may have to learn how to approach them differently - but you don't have to learn that because you're doing anything wrong. I hope you see what I mean by this.

another nice thread - please keep writing

reply to post by mossme89


I feel for you, really. I myself cannot imagine being in HS today. The 80's were bad enough with the big hair and changing fashions every month.

As far as a social aspect, yes friendships are extrememly important for someone your age. What are your interests? What do YOU like to do, what tickles YOUR feathers? These are the questions you need to ask yourself, in order to find out where you fit in.

Sadly as teens we give in to peer pressure and believe that if we aren't part of the "cool kids" or "jocks" or "rich" we just don't belong. That is NOT true. Once you are out of HS those social clicks do not matter. So look inside and see what type of characteristics you want in a friend. Do you like bowling, baseball, dungeons and dragon, hiking..etc????? Once you know what you yourself enjoy, you will meet people just like you. And then the friendships will come easily.

I was a fat kid, but I have always been funny and charismatic. And I NEVER gave a crap what the "rich" or "pretty" or "jocks" thought of me. I walked to the beat of my own drum, which showed I had confidence, and I had tons of friends. Because I didn't discriminate anyone. If the person had a brain, I would give them a chance.

So what if you are a senior and your new group of friends are freshman. Age doesn't matter. And when you are in college or working next year, you can still be friends with them. I would suggest that you START hanging out with them outside of school.

All a teen really needs to do, is LOVE THYSELF, and people will be drawn to thee.!!!

If your conversations are awkward, its because you are trying to hard to impress someone. Just be yourself, and have fun.

reply to post by mossme89


I really don't have anything helpful to say but, from your post I can see that you are an intelligent and caring person. I truly believe it will get better for you once you are out of highschool. I think you have a lot to offer. My biggest advice is, don't lose yourself trying to be what others expect you to be. Your day will come, I truly believe that

reply to post by mossme89


Contrary to popular belief you don't need to be friends with the majority population of your school. People are dumb, and in high school they are dumber, I'm not saying you are dumb, at least you have the brains to come onto a website like this and research controversial news that no one else hears because they tune into Fox. Here's how I look at it. It's not that you are different than the majority of other humans, it's that the humans around you currently are not with it.

You see everyone slips up 'socially' no and then. When you say something dumb though just say, "never mind", and then if people don't respond by laughing it off and moving on, but instead make a weird silly face then they are dumb, and they will drain your energy. Even if you were a 'perfect socialist' you would see that these people are just plain obnoxious. From what I see in some high schoolers is that there are some that try their best to act cooler than what they think they are because other people are acting like they are weird, then there are the one's who are the actually one's trying to act cool and the way they do this is by acting like you are weird.

Most mature adults, notice I threw in the word mature because most adults are not, have gotten to the point where they had to toughen up as far as this goes. A mature adult has gotten to the point where they don't care. They don't need a little circle of friends, and usually they have gotten tired of those games. Even if you were surrounded with friends you would find your self cutting off friendships because it would get weird.

Just learn to not freak out when you don't have friends. I'm not saying that you are freaking out. like I said you are in a world where the majority are idiots, but then if you wait and you just learn to relax about the fact that you are friendless now you will find your self later down the road with friends anyways. Besides, no one likes the so called 'popular' kids. Their popularity is a mear facade. Think about Brian the dog from family guy. That guy has no friends or girl friends really for most the time besides Stewey who is a baby, but he stays chill about it.

I'm not saying you are not mature, or an adult, but in a few years you will most likely have a tougher skin with this stuff, and be better at dealing with it.

reply to post by Astyanax


I agree with pretty much what you have said, except that you should tailor what you are good at to other people. Thats just a higher order version of the Carnegie solution, and while it may not make other people think you are creepy and a fake, it will make you unhappy over time.

Become really good at being yourself. If that is the worlds greatest Halo player, so be it. There is a social group for that.

Life is self sorting if you allow it to be. If you are a scientific researcher at heart, you will probably not be happy being popular and respected by drug dealers. No matter how good you have become at something they admire.

If you are true to yourself, you will fall into the proper group of primates for you. Becoming excellent at being you is always a good idea. But just so you know, being excellent at something people value isnt always a job, sometimes its just being nice, helpful, etc.

No one respects philosophy. Its a profession that historically pisses people off, and the better you are at it, the more likely you are to be disliked by the status quo. But I still have managed to fit nicely into social life (at least in real life) because I am helpful, and kind hearted, and I care about people, particularly the elderly, animals, children. I spend time in my neighborhood mowing grass for the old people whose children dont. Talking to children about why the sky is blue with their parents wont. Getting to know the pets and their owners that walk by. There arent many philosophers, so you may go for long periods of time without being in a group of your peers. But if you are who you are, and live who you are, you will find a niche.

Not fitting in as a teenager is painful, because you want to, but another thing you should learn is that painful lessons often have value. You COULD become more compassionate to those who dont fit in yourself, as a result. Who knows how it will shape you. Thats up to you in many ways.

Originally posted by mossme89

Maybe, but probably not at my school. My school is the richest in one of the richest counties in the country. No, my family is not rich. We just live in an upper-middle class neighborhood and managed to get in before the prices soared. But the kids at my school are just preppy with MacBooks and iPhone and don't appreciate it, they take it for granted. I mean, i have both a MacBook and an iPhone, but it took me months and 2 jobs to save up to buy them. So i doubt trailer park is a possibility for them.

That does make a difference. In that situation, the kids who would have ended up in a trailer park by nature, will end up, oooooooooooooooooo being President. Like Dubya. Its a shame too, and one of the reasons I argue against hereditary wealth. Hereditary wealth doesnt allow the crappy to fall to the level they deserve, and it makes it harder for the cream to rise to the top. Ah well, though, it is what it is.

Odds are, even though you will have to pass them in college, you wont have many classes with them unless you follow a career path for the wrong reasons. (ie, to please your family) Just dont join a fraternity, and allow your interests to dictate your major, not your familial expectations, and you will find friends. The bullies do mellow out considerably in college, mostly because they are drinking and screwing their brains out. The only time they are problematic at all is when you have classes that group grade and you have to carry their hung over dead weight.

This is more likely in the business courses, and you will find a lot of this type in the business courses. I swear group grading was conceived to allow the football team a way to get decent grades so they could play.

Originally posted by mossme89

Originally posted by whatifitweretrue
reply to post by mossme89

 

I have a friend like you and we have been mates since kids. Trust me at age 28 he has a really great job and a really hot girlfriend. He will tell you himself he is fat ugly and smell like old people

(nor direspect to anyone im nothing special myself) but he was always left out last , very eccentric yet every one still laughed at him. But he has really stuck it to them now cause his girlfriend loves him because he is who he is. Stick with it buddy.

Wow, that's awesome. Thank you for that

You define yourself by having a hot girlfriend? Is that really how you would value yourself?

Are you really valuing yourself by a "visual" - - how other people see you?

--------------------------------------------------

Don't get me wrong. This is a Look oriented society - - whether anyone wants to admit it or not. This is going to sound very shallow - - - but your children will be born into a society that is even more Look oriented - - - so physical attractiveness has become almost necessary today and will be even worse in the future. Work on all of yourself - - inside and out. And hopefully you will find that hot girlfriend and have beautiful children.

Just keep the perspective and be honest with yourself.

reply to post by mossme89


Above all else just be yourself. The most embarrassing thing about high school for me looking back is how much I followed. Being different is tough but be proud of being you. Do the things you like and maybe some will follow along maybe not. It feels good to be "accepted" but later in life you will laugh at the fact that you were being judged by criteria that is completely unimportant. You're at a socially awkward age but as you progress in life you'll gradually be accepted and rewarded for the things you're good at. It seems really important to be accepted now but that will pass. If you get out of school with one good friend that you will have for life that's great but many people don't even know anyone from high school later in life.

There's a huge, fun, exciting world out there. You'll find your place. It just takes time. Good luck grasshopper.

reply to post by mossme89


PhD in Clinical Psych here who could have written your msg when I was in HS.

1. Fear of what others think is a huge trap.

2. Those who rush to think ill, put down, ridicule, etc. are likely very unworthy your attentions and affections. Seriously. Usually they are equally or more insecure, troubled, inept etc. than you and have resorted to snapping at other people, ridicule etc. to feel better by stepping on top of those they put down.

3. Look around . . . . search for 3-4 individuals who may be on the periphery . . . but who, by their eyes, you can tell have substance and don't live by shallow social whim sorts of values.

4. See if any such folks will indicate any openness to building a relationship. Note to them at the outset your goals and insecurities and see if they are up for the adventure/risk. Those who think such openness and request/invitation is wierd are again--self-selecting out as worth rejecting anyway.

5. PEOPLE are fickle. Even 'mature' adults can be incredibly fickle, shallow, absurd dorks while pretending to be Joe Cool.

6. Solid enduring relationships are possible and worth tenacious, persistent effort. Falling down in a puddle of embarrassment is pretty common growing up even though the mob tries to make it out that you're the only dork, jerk, clumsy one etc. etc. etc. All of us have been such in our time, by turns. Only liars and super rare people say otherwise.

7. If your school has a communications class--take it. Some counseling centers offer social skills training classes. Assertiveness training can be worth it. There are articles on the net about such things that you can learn a lot from by reading and practicing what they suggest.

8. BEHAVE AND BE each day AS YOUR BETTER VALUES DICTATE. THE REST IS CHAFF. Those who are worth relating to will notice and be available--particularly if you meet them half way. The rest don't count.

9. BE AS YOU CAN BE PROUD OF BEING to the best of your ability. Learn from your mistakes AND GO ON. This is boot camp. It's ABOUT learning anyway.

10. If you don't have a parent or mentor adult who you can be proud of, candid with and close to--search one out and adopt one even if it has to be some disabled old codger with a wise brain and a big heart left at an elderly home.

11. SOME churches have great youth groups and many don't. You might consider asking around and see if there is a healthy fun one in your area. Just keep in mind that Christians are as flawed and jerky too often as anyone else. The better ones are at least trying to be better persons week by week and are usually happy to help you in such growth, too.

12. When you make a goof . . . laugh it off. Get up, Go on. You can even capitalize on it with humor--saying something like "Wellll, that wasn't as spectacular as I'd expected. Maybe I need to practice more--or try it again--next year." Self-depricating humor takes a lot of strength and courage but is typically VERY ATTRACTIVE--particularly to gals. It also signals to guys that you're pretty safe and not likely to major in blood thristy, cut-throat competition.

13. Most of the folks you know in HS WILL NOT care 2 cents about you after HS. I have a friend I had in Jr High--actually 3 friends from Jr High--1 closer than the other 2. That's rare in our culture, it seems.

14. MAJOR IN MAJORS AND MINOR IN MINORS. Avoid losing sleep over minor slights, mistakes . . . Learn from major ones and go on. People who decrease their respect for major mistakes are not worth friendship. Certainly those who do so over minor things are very much not worth friendship.

15. If you feel alone, write in your journal; come to ATS; reach out to people who need your caring.

FWIW, imho.

Feel free to U2U me.

reply to post by mossme89


Brother, I know how you feel. Because of a thyroid problem, I went bald in middle school. We all know how mean kids can be. You know what I did? I developed a "who gives a #e" attitude and laughed right along with them. I'm 35 now and have a flat ton of friends from those days as well as new friends met along the way. You say you're socially akward and say the wrong things sometimes; I'm the king of that. I'm loud, love to crack jokes, and can take as good as I get. These are the traits I suggest you focus on (maybe not being loud). You have to learn to laugh at yourself because you're comfortable in your own skin. I was always pretty popular because I didn't have a click or group, I hung out with everyone. If someone in that group didn't like, well they could just F themselves and I never gave them another thought.

I'm not telling you to be an arse about things, but you have to realize that most high schoolers are just as scared of not fitting in as you are. The fact that you're willing to admit it to a bunch of strangers speaks strongly for your maturity and character. Keep your chin up, don't let small missteps eat at your brain (like trying to high five the chick on the bench), and whatever you do, never think you're worthless. One of the biggest social outcasts in my high school who really only had a handful of friends pulled a Mark Zuckerberg, started his own software company, and now has more money and friends than he knows what to do with.

Life happens whether you want it to or not. Just keep on keepin on and you'll be fine. Try to find some confidence and let that exude from every pore. Women love a man who's confident, can make them laugh, and can be sensitive when the time is right. Concentrate on being who you are and build that confidence into a lifestyle that no one can take away from you. It's what attracted my wife to me and my friends still ask me how I got such a hot wife. I tell them it's my motorcycle, but she and I both know it's the fact that I walk through this world working for what I get and caring out-loud about the people around me.

I hated high school when I was there. It wasn't till I got out that I realized how awesome I could have made it. Girls everywhere, no real bills to pay... Wish I could go back and take more advantage of it.

I say be yourself and don't worry about what others think of you.

reply to post by mossme89


Feel free to U2U me anytime, I would love to field any of your questions that you don't want to put on an open board.

With that said, despite your "don't say focus on my grades" comment, I will still say that everything entirely flips from highschool to college. Everything that makes you "creepy" or uncomfortable in high school will make you unique and quirky and eccentric in college. The dynamic is entirely upside down, so YES, focus on your grades and get into a decent school!

Now, for more immediate advice. Be confident. Even if it is fake. Fake it til you make it is the strategy that will work for somebody like you. Don't apologize, don't second guess yourself, just be you, and let the cards fall where they may. I am 37 years old, and I still regret something I said to a group of girls my junior year in high school, but I never let them know it! And, I wound up sleeping with a couple of them before I graduated, so it didnt crush my reputation or chances with them. It was just a stupid bone-headed thing to say, it ruined a great shot I had for a 3-some (or more) that night, but I didn't sweat it, I just moved on.

It is polite and prudent to think something through before you say it, (read the "One-minute Salesperson" book for an easy approach) but thinking something through doesn't mean you won't make mistakes or be mis-interpreted, so try not to let it bother you or set you back. Here is another catch-phrase "fire and forget." It applies to many things in life, but especially something you say. If you made an honest mistake, it is ok to own up to it, but don't go around second-guessing yourself or apologizing all the time. Just fire and forget, let the cards fall where they may.

So, my condensed advice to you:

1. Work Out! It is healthy and helpful. Relieves stress. Builds confidence. And makes you ATTRACTIVE!
2. One Minute Salesperson......give something a second thought before it comes out.
3. Fire and Forget......after it comes out, forget it. No second guessing after the fact.
4. Fake it til you make it......no matter how you are feeling inside, project confidence. Not only project confidence outward, but inward as well. Do your thing, and do it assertively. Don't be timid or apologetic. Let you be you.....fire and forget!
5. Get into a decent college. Everything changes in college. I promise! And everybody gets laid in college, there is an entire group of girls in college that will be looking for someone like you. It is amazing.

I hope that helps. Please feel free to U2U me if you have any specific questions or just want to talk more.

Yeah man, stay positive, get good grades and focus on yourself. Over time a lot of these ppl will realize what ass's they have been when they mature, some wont, but a lot will. Once you get older you realize how lame all the bs in high school really is. It is what you do with YOUR life that is important not what others do. So stay strong ignore the comments, just know that these ppl really do have self esteem problems and mess with you to make themselves feel better. High school is a small step in life and there is much more out there. I wish you luck and stay strong!

reply to post by mossme89


well u better get used to it kid cuzz its not much better after HS, youll go through friends like underware and people seldom find best friends and or real friends,its the culture we live in(or lack of one i should say),try an experiment,ive done it,and mind you im not a bad looking guy and am clean cut, but try walking around town,anywhere of your choosing,and just say hi to any random girl and 9 times out of ten they will look at you like your a creep and like you whipped out ur snake at em, its crazy,its disgusting how divided we have become as a people in this country because the system reinforces indifference and opposing sides and fear, it is not a healthy climate to grow up in, as a matter of fact its getting worse,and has gotten alot worse, im a black sheep myself,wasnt the bad ass of the school or anything but i relatively got along with all cliques, spent most of HS in an alternative school full of rejects,gangstas and stoners, i knew them all since it wasnt that many students,none the less, heres a tip,stear clear of anyone resembling a carbon copy of so many others desperately clinging to the mainstream,they arent your best bet since they are just as fake as the celebrities they worship,look for like minded folks,and dont worry about HS its not the most important thing in your life because the harsh reality is,is its not what you know its who you know,stiff upper lip champ and all that noise