I have a very hard time socially and in HS. Any advice?

reply to post by mossme89
OK. I'm going to give you some useful advice, not just tell you to "suck it up". But before I give you the advice, I am going to give you a perspective.

Remember when you were 4? What you liked, how you spent your day, what you watched on TV? If someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, what you have said?
Now remember when you were 8? You knew way more than when you were 4. Far more than twice as much. You could (I presume) read, write, do basic math, ride a bike. You were hugely more knowledgeable about the world than when you were 4.
Now imagine yourself at 16 (you are around there if you are in HS). How much more do you know, have you thought of, can you do, than way back when you were 8?
OK
Now when you hit your early 30's, you will be as far beyond where you are now, as you are now beyond where you were when you were 8. And ditto in your 60's.
Dandylion ==> Bush ==> Apple tree ==> Mighty Oak ==> Sequoia Redwood.

OK I just told you all that so you can get a concept that (a) you have a lot of positive experience to look forward to and (b) that I really can give you some useful advice since I am up there in that Oak/Redwood range.

Here is the advice.
1st, pick 3 things. Something you will try. One a physical activity, one a skill activity, and one a mental activity. Might be swimming, one line gaming, learning cryptography. Might be Tae Kwon Do, pistol shooting, playing Go. Might be weight lifting, throwing pottery, studying a science not taught at HS.

Practice each thing for one year. Don't quit. Fill your time with these 3 things. Make a schedule and stick to them. You may make friends while doing them, maybe not. Thing is, you do these for you.

After a year, pick 3 things. Again a physical activity, a skill activity, a mental activity. You are permitted to keep 2 of them the same if you want. Or do 3 new things. Rock climbing, learning welding, doing bible study. Fencing (with swords), learning to draw anime, learning a programming language.

Again practice for one year. Don't quit any of them once started, you must do the full year. Make a schedule and stick to it. Again you may make friends, maybe not.

Here is what you will find. Once you get good at something, and if you behave politely, people who DO THE SAME THING will be polite to you. Over time, you will socialize. Because if you are good at something that other people want to do, and you are nice; many people who do that thing will want to hang with you.

But even if not many do -- you will find your days full of doing stuff that you want to do. And things will lead to things, connections to connections, that you cannot now imagine.

Do this, trust me. You will be happier in a few months. And you will become more self assured, more centered, over time. This is how to grow and grow well.

reply to post by mossme89


You sound like a great kid and far more mature than your peers. Like some others have said, be yourself. If people don't want to be around you, it's their loss. You be who you are, don't try so hard, and the right people will gravitate to you.
School is all you know right now but it has nothing to do with real life. You will love, be loved, have your heart stomped on and kicked to the curb and then you will do it all again.
Be patient, life will happen despite your worry.
Seeashrink

Just be yourself, and don't let anyone change that. All the things and people you think are important now will be irrelevant--even laughable--in a few years. It may not seem like it now, but you'll look back on high school and realize how trivial the whole experience was.

Hey,

Listen, sounds like you're a nice person, caring and thoughtful, coming to terms with the fact that the world is a busy, rushed and sometimes rude place.

I think you just need to find a bit of self confidence, be proud of what you're good at doing, be creative and be happy. People will see that and the better people will appreciate that.

Be happy

Originally posted by mossme89
My social life IS what makes me happy. It's that interacting with others that really feels awesome.

Then you are screwed.

Seriously man! I am 65 - - raised kids and grandkids.

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? WHAT IS YOUR PASSION?

If you say "other people make you feel good - - make you have WORTH" - - - then you are in serious trouble.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP - - immediately.

reply to post by mossme89


ditto's for the great advice,, here...

don't give up''

be yourself....

be an ARMY of one...

Are you by intention outside of the norm , by intention slightly weird ? 8 piercings in your ears , 4 in your bottom lip and purple hair ? Most folks aren't like that and most folks don't accept anyone into the group that isn't like them . If you're weird by intention you'll get accepted in a weird by intention group . If you're "normal" in appearance and dress and still are having a hard time then look at your personality and do a self examination . I guarantee you that there is a place where you fit , but you just haven't found it yet . This can be very hard and some will say , maintain your own identity no matter and be lonely because the ones you're running into aren't worth it . I didn't fit because i'm half injun and was in a high school of 2,000 . Can't say that it got better for me in high school but it did get a lot better later . In high school everyone knows who you are seeing and dating and there was an extreme amount of pressure on the white girls not to date or socialize with me but after high school when the peer pressure just wasn't there , things got a lot better . Same girls who couldn't socialize or date me in high school were now seeing and dating me after high school , but i didn't enjoy high school . My weirdness wasn't by intention and i was never actually weird , just born half injun looking like full blood and that's why i was a social misfit . I never tried to isolate myself but i was never accepted . Wish i could tell you that it will all work out in high school , but it didn't for me . Do your personal inventory and if there is something about you that turns people off it may be something that you're not happy with either so get rid of it , change it to something else or work on it . I know this hasn't be of much help but my situation was somewhat similar and for me it did work out , but not in high school . Don't let it get you down too badly because there are many like us that don't fit and aren't too popular . I never hung my head and apologized to anyone for being an injun because it was nothing i could change . Had there been something i could have changed that i was not happy with , i would have done it as long as i wasn't happy with it but i'd never make too many changes just for others unless i wanted a change . Good luck . Don't isolate yourself , go forward .

Oh, and I'd just like to add that most of the popular kids at school are at the highest points of their lives right now. When high school is over, they move onto the real world and the real world slaps them in the face! It's people such as yourself who end up being the successful ones! Just look to the future! You'll eventually come to appreciate who you are right now and you'll be so glad that you weren't like all those other people!

Originally posted by Annee

Then you are screwed.

Seriously man! I am 65 - - raised kids and grandkids.

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? WHAT IS YOUR PASSION?

If you say "other people make you feel good - - make you have WORTH" - - - then you are in serious trouble.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP - - immediately.

Wow... Very harsh. Especially for a Grandmother.

Ignore this, be yourself, be happy that you enjoy company.

reply to post by SunSword


What I've actually been doing is running, that's helped me meet some people who enjoy that as well. I've also been doing Future Business Leaders of America, which is essentially indoctrination into the capitalistic business system, but that's another story. My point is that I took a test on Cyber Security and scored highest in the region (county). Now I'm advancing to states, and if i do well there, Nationals in Orlando, FL.

I'll have to try to find a mental sport though.

reply to post by bandito


Uh, no. No piercings or anything like that. I look like anyone else. At first, i might seem to act like everyone else. But it's the little socially awkward things that throw me off.

You know....you have to love yourself and be your own bestfriend. 2011 is my 30th high school reunion, and I have friended several hundred people I went to HS with on FB. Although we may not have been good friends in HS, FB is a good way (after all these years) to be on friendly terms with those people. But honestly, they are not my good friends, and really I have almost no connection to people I knew in HS. I felt very awkaward in HS....and no I wasnt in the popular crowd. Im okay with that. I know HS is hard to go through. You have to realize that many other classmates feel exactly the same as you, maybe they just dont show it, or you dont see it. Just have faith in yourself, tell yourself that you are one great person because you are YOU! No one else is you - so that makes you special! Dont let the voices in your head tell you anything different!

Originally posted by mr-lizard

Originally posted by Annee

Then you are screwed.

Seriously man! I am 65 - - raised kids and grandkids.

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? WHAT IS YOUR PASSION?

If you say "other people make you feel good - - make you have WORTH" - - - then you are in serious trouble.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP - - immediately.

Wow... Very harsh. Especially for a Grandmother.

Ignore this, be yourself, be happy that you enjoy company.

Oh yeah!! Ignore reality. Ignore truth. Ignore someone who doesn't bull#.

Ignore someone who's "been there - done that". Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rolls eyes

You are a very special person. The popular people will grow up to be unremarkable. You will be really good at whatever you chose to do. You will be accepted, the awkwardness you feel will slough off you like a snake sheds it's skin. Don't worry, be happy. Everyone is uncomfortable at your age, you are just so busy looking at your own inconsistencies that you can't see how everyone else feels about their own. It will pass. Dont try so hard, let it come au naturel! Be yourself, let your soul gravitate to the love and all the positive energy will gravitate to you. Smile now.

Originally posted by mossme89
reply to post by SunSword

 

What I've actually been doing is running, that's helped me meet some people who enjoy that as well. I've also been doing Future Business Leaders of America, which is essentially indoctrination into the capitalistic business system, but that's another story. My point is that I took a test on Cyber Security and scored highest in the region (county). Now I'm advancing to states, and if i do well there, Nationals in Orlando, FL.

I'll have to try to find a mental sport though.

This sounds great. Actually - - fantastic!!!

When I went to my reunions - - - it was the intellectuals/nerds - - those who had a scholastic focus and followed it - - - that had the best lives - - including social and family.

The "populars" seemed to have matured too early - - - before their time - - - looked old and outdated.

Be ONE - - - before you are TWO

I don't think you'll like my response, but you have to toughen up.

I'm guessing your dad wasn't around much as a kid.. or was a complete jerk?

I went through a lot of what you did when I was younger, like right before high school. I got beat up, had stage fright and was completely awkward. I guess I got lucky though, and changed schools. I ended up changing my outlook on life, became a smart ass, and didn't take #### from anyone.. whether the situation effected me or not. I'm not saying to turn into a horrible person, but people respect a-holes (when used appropriately) When you're happy doing your own thing, and it's obvious that you aren't concerned about what other people think, that's when it's easiest to make friends or get girls. It's the human condition. Deep down people like 1. a challenge, 2. not being too available 3. #holes

DGAF should be your new motto, Sir.

Good luck no matter how you fix it! You seem like a smart guy. You'll figure it out.

reply to post by jessejamesxx


Come on. Don't tell him to be an a$$hole. There are plenty of those in the world already. He could be good, he could find a nice girl that loves him for who he is, he could get a good job that he loves, he could break free from the social norms and travel the world on a bicycle. Don't throw him in that bag ok? When you get out of high school everything changes, this stuff doesn't last forever, but if you start being an a$$hole you get a reputation, and its hard to get rid of one of those. Everyone should try to exude love and empathy. We could change the world! Don't worry so much OP, and try not to be an a$$hole.

Moss, you are in high school to gain knowledge to help you either continue to college or trade school so you can support yourself.

You are not in school to have fun or socialize.

I despised every minute of school and then didn't like college much better.

The other students are just as confused as you are.
They may seem to have it all together but don't be fooled by that.

We are all expected to do at least 12 years of hard time (school).

You only have a few months left to endure the misery of high school.

Your social status began when you began you first day in the school system many years ago.
Face it, not much is going to change until you walk across that stage and accept your diploma.

That is when the ball game changes.
Get your body in the best condition it can be.

Start planning your future and then do what you have to do to get what you want out of life.

I do feel seeing a therapist would be helpful.

It is nothing to be ashamed of and I have done so myself a few times during my 64 years.

You need a sounding board that listens and gives you the benefit of their knowledge and experience concerning how to be happy with yourself because:
you must love and enjoy being you and people will be drawn to your good attitude and happy face.

High school sucks but you never have to go there again.

Hang in there. You are still growing in mind and body. Get prepared for the real world.

May you realize your fondest dreams.

reply to post by dizziedame


Star for you DD! Well said.

reply to post by mossme89
Hey there. There is so much I want to say to you, I don't know where to start. Ok, first things first... your writing skills are awesome. You must like to write. Use that to your advantage. Have you considered any of the following...?

***Keep a journal to vent your frustrations. Paragraphs or poetry or stream-of-consciousness-rant... just whatever strikes your fancy at the moment, and let it flow. If you like to draw, then illustrate it also. (Had it not been for writing, drawing and painting, I would prolly be stashed away in a loony bin somewhere!) If your niche is not in writing, it is somewhere. Find it... that thing that is solely you. That thing you know you can do, and you love doing it.

**Keep a gratitude log-- We can't feel joy and sadness in the exact same instant, so take 5 minutes every day to list some things you are truly grateful for. During that time, if for only that time, you get to suspend all internal suffering, and experience pure happiness instead.

***Letters Never Sent-- Just like it sounds! Write that cruel person who crushed your spirit for no good reason, and say exactly what you want them to understand about their miserable ways of being. JUST DON'T EVER SEND IT! It's for you, not them (even though it's addressed to them.) Shred it, burn it, lock it away for 30 years or whatever, just remember it's for your eyes only.

Read the following book, then let me know later the incredible ah-ha moments of paradigm shifts you experience when you realize the power of trading in all of the harmful Agreements you've made with yourself throughout your life (such as "I don't have very good social skills") for four simple, yet powerful Agreements very clearly described by a descendant of the ancient Toltecs of South America. It's called The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. Personally, I re-read it about once a year, or just whenever I start feeling like people are grinding away at the core of my inner being.

But it's not just me... I teach in a middle school, and you can hear a pin drop when I start talking about the reality of some of the concepts in this book. And you can bet anyone who has taught in a middle school lately is picking their chin up off the floor right about now, 'cause you can't get half of them to be quiet for anything, ordinarily!

I've been where you are... years ago, but some things in this world really don't change all that much. Except now there's the book I'm telling you about that surely would've helped me...

And one last thought... regardless of what another person says or does, ignore any inner thoughts that you don't matter. Do not make that agreement. You do matter. You ARE matter. You = Matter.
Get it? Got it? Good!!!