I have a very hard time socially and in HS. Any advice?

I think your problem here is that you care too much. I never cared much for popularity or reputation in high school and I was very popular. Being popular meant nothing to me, because no one was truly your "friend".
What annoys me is low self-esteem. We are born as loving creatures and somewhere along the road to growing up we lose it; love for ourselves, for others, for life.
Is there anything you can think of that might have had a traumatic effect on you? Were you always unable to make friends or socialize?
I'm a weirdo myself but I seem to get along with just about everyone! I'd tell you to just be yourself, but it seems that's not working. Maybe that's not the real you that you're putting out there.Your nervousness while you're putting on a show for everyone, if that's the case, may be the key to your social demise.

edit***

I also agree with everyone who is telling you that you are not in HS to be liked. No, you're not. However, those four years will impact your life for forever. Any significant amount of time spent in any kind of social environment will have great impact.

reply to post by jonibelle


Easy to say if you were popular.

Dude (OP), I've been in your shoes, and I'll just tell you what I did a couple pages back. Get an after-school job working with people your own age and the public to build your confidence, and use that clean slate to increase the dating pool by establishing more real relationships with cute coworkers. Worked wonders for me socially, and hopefully will for you too.

With the amount you run, you've got to have a decent physique, so all you need is a bit of a boost. I know how it is at your age man...hormones going crazy...you're supposed to be thinking about your future, grades, and all of that, but you can't help it...your mind is locked on the opposite sex. It's perfectly natural...but it can also lead to obsession (especially if you are, like I know you are, fixated on one girl). Forget about that. You're young, and have many other prospects out there. Go find them.

The trick is, try not to be OBVIOUS that you're looking. If you have a girl who is actually a friend, this is a great start. For some reason, gals seem to go for a guy they think (even subconsciously) is already taken, especially at that age. But it isn't needed. If you take my job advice, just try and be yourself, and make an effort to get to know (and listen to) your female coworkers.

WOW! Thanks guys for all the advice! I never thought that less than 1 day after i posted this thread, it would already have more than 120 replies. I apologize if i can't get to all your posts at the moment. I'm at page 5, moving through it. But tonight's pizza & movie night, so i might not be able to read through them all, atleast not now.

But thanks so much guys!

I also agree with everyone who is telling you that you are not in HS to be liked. No, you're not. However, those four years will impact your life for forever. Any significant amount of time spent in any kind of social environment will have great impact

I strongly disagree with this statement..............
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My friend, highschool is only there for your grades, the friends you have now will completely change a few years out of HS. If i only knew back then what i know now LOL....i know its very cliche.

IF you have a goal outside of highschool for your future, try to focus on that. Once you get out in the real world and start paying rent and bills you will realize highschool meant nothing other then grades.

Get yourself a career, make the money that you need to be comfortable in life. Its not an easy world if you don't have the means to support yourself. With that career will come friends and women, and when the time is right you will meet the person or persons that are right for you.

You're young my friend...as you grow and mature socialization will get much easier....have some confidence and know that you are unique.

Above all know you're not here to impress anyone, if people don't accept you for who you are....oh well.

Why would you care what others think?

Care about what you think of yourself... and if you don't like who you are......... change.

Unfortunately I don't have time at the moment to read this entire thread but I just wanted to pop in and say what struck me most, forgive me if someone else already pointed this out.

.....first I just want to chime in with the HS stinks crowd. Yep, it does for many and thankfully it does end and it definitely does get better. Hang in there. I noticed when I read your post you seem to say I "need" people/friends/to be accepted. That to me reads: "I need people/friends/to be acctepted to be happy" - which isn't true at all. People need people to a degree however what you need most is to be OK with you and the rest will come. There is a difference between I want friends and I need friends. I think the moment you realize that you don't need them in a "longing" sort of way the easier they will come. It was good to come here as you can see, you get genuine concern and good advice from many.

On a sidenote....I recently reconnected via Facebook with my very first friend. We hung around from the age of 4 to about 12ish and then she went her popular/pom-pom way and I went the band route (social suicide in my school). She was in the prom court yada yada...I didn't even go to prom. I found out that she was miserable all through HS - just like me. I felt like I didn't fit in (and then fit in perfectly when I was able to create my own life) and she was miserable because of all she had to do to fit in and spent many years cleaning up the mess conformity caused her. Everyone is dealing with their issues. Good luck to you and as someone else said girls "dig" a guy who is comfortable in his own skin. Really.

reply to post by mossme89


Don't worry about it man HS is a joke really everyone thinks there better than everyone else once u get out and people grow up u might make friends with the people u hated in HS and girls will come out of the woodwork dont sweat it man just have a close friend to share stuff with thats all u need

If this was just about getting women, theres only one word you need...

Confidence....

thats all you need to get women bro, its as simple as that....without it your lost

reply to post by Gazrok


My female take on the mentality at that age...

Girls often define their own self image based on who they are dating. Sad but true. So they often overlook quality guys for what they think is the one who is going to make them affirmed in the social group. Let's face it in HS it's usually the head jock or the head jerk....fortunately most of us grow out of that.

Hey man I'm in high school to (16) and I thought I would share some advice. I've moved with my family about 6-7 times so I've gone to many different schools which made making friends tough since I would move away from them. This caused me to be very self conscious and very careful around people. I would often be quiet and make sure to only speak when I knew I could be funny/say the right thing. I gradually tried to get away from that habit and be myself, but I still find I do this when I meet someone I don't know to well or if I'm in a class. Since I've gotten away from that I've made lots of friends. By being myself there is hardly anyone I can't talk to in school (except for the jocks whom I hate), but I still have issues (I don't hang out with people outside of school because I feel awkward asking to do something later). One thing I highly recommend is getting involved in after school activities, which you may already do/may already be to late to do. I avoided staying after school for anything simply because I wanted to get home and do my school work, but I really see how it is socially beneficial to stay after we other people when your not actually confined by the normal rules of school. Its incredibly difficult trying to change the way you act around people and don't try to act like someone else because it just leads to more awkwardness. Eventually your personality will lead you to a group of people who will accept you for who you are and not who you think you are.

Originally posted by Revolution-2012
reply to post by mossme89

 

My friend, I'm but a few years older than you and I was never the super popular kid in school.

But, let me say this much - it all changes in a few years time. Be yourself, that's number one, even though it sucks right now it'll be worth it in a few years because you'll be spending time learning about who you are and not what you think you want to be.

High school is a bitch man, and all you gotta do is do what you have to, get grades, pass, figure out what you want to do with your life and such. Social acceptance changes extensively after grade school. My recommendation, is once you get out of HS, take a break for a year, get comfortable, hit college. College is a largely different environment, because whatever you have a interest in, you will be studying, and that likewise makes easy conversation between peers.

Honestly, you're still just a kid, Once you hit about 20 or so you should be well conditioned in the crappiness of life, but it gets better man. Don't try and conform to the people around you.

Be yourself man, girls dig that kind of thing

I'm 27 years old, did exactly what you advised this kid to do, been myself and yet I still have the same problems I did in school (which are the same problems this kid has).

I'd like to say that's great advice but honestly, still feeling those things and wanting to end my life or possibly be taken to another planet to start again if that scene from Knowing actually happens while the rest of the planet is destroyed (and good riddance too in my book), I just can't help but feel that unless someone lived through those day after day, no one can really help.

Everyone tells you it will get better after high school but they might be wrong

I felt the same way in high school. I had 2 or 3 friends at most and dozens and dozens of bullies. They would call me gay, fag, homo etc (ats probly censored some of that) They would throw spit balls at me, they would slam my head into the locker, they would trip me and try to steal my backpack and they would pick on me mercilessly every day, every god damn day of my life. I would go home and cry and wish that I could just die. I would tell my parents that I hated school and never wanted to go back and they would just say, you can't not go to school. I became very reclusive. I never left my house.

By senior year I hated everyone. I carried a knife with me and on several occasions I was literally psyching myself up to stab my bullies in the throat and face a dozen times. Then the columbine school shootings happened and everyone became very afraid of me. Knowing that I had been bullied and ostracized for years, they knew I wanted to murder them all.

In community college I barely talked to anyone. I never went to parties. I made some awkward failed attempts to meet girls. They would treat me like a creepy stalker for even talking to them and then I would hear from other people that the girl was a party slut who would bang anyone... yeah anyone but me. It's true that in college you will meet like minded people studying the same things as you and it becomes a little easier to make friends.

Now I'm 30. I still barely ever leave my house. I find it impossible to trust anyone. I haven't had a girlfriend in years. As an adult it becomes harder and harder to do what kids do and just walk up to someone and become friends.

so.... good luck. I hope things improve for you. It's a hard life to be isolated and alone.

Rent and watch "Harold & Maude" as fast as you can.. Should help a little..

reply to post by StruggleTogether


yeah, i usually stay after school and socialize a bit.

reply to post by guyopitz


Dude, you need a hug. *hug* Maybe try and find people you have a similar interest with? Trust me, I spent much of my childhood alone on the computer, and it's pretty lonely. But hang in there

You need to build your confidence. An easy way to do this is to realize that high school is not the end, it's barely the begining. You can be the guy who made it at the 10 year reunion if you apply yourself 100% and never let anyone keep you down.


Socializing in high school is VERY difficult, mainly because people are at different stages of development and different places in life. A 9th grade could look like a 25 year old, while a 12th grade could look like a 14 year old depending where they are at with puberty.


You need a constructive hobby like weight lifting or martial arts to focus on. In order to build your self confidence, work on yourself. Then when you realize how much you have going for you, everything else will seem like a joke. Plus when someone trys to Bully you and you Judo throw their a**, it's a good feeling.

I have been around a while and have seen a lot. I certainly don't know everything , but many people over the years have come to me for advice and told me I have a lot of common sense.

Good grades will pay off for you in the end. I can't even tell you how many of the "cool kids" in school ended up being big nothings. The few who were successful ended up only being successful because they grew out of being jerks and matured.

You will see once you get out of high school that all the crap in the past just doesn't matter and wasn't worth worrying about. Everyone starts over fresh in college, even the "cool kids". They are probably even MORE insecure about going to college because they too have to start over.

College is a bigger situation with more things to get involved in if you want to.

Just be you. Don't try too hard. Be genuine. People admire that.

Don't worry. Once you get out of high school things change a lot.

reply to post by mossme89


LOL...you just made me smile

You seem like a very caring person from what I have read and you have a positive vibe that comes across here even though you are struggling right now. Society as a whole has become quite ugly and primitive in some circles.

My first year of high school was like yours, and I bounced from group to group. Nobody really cared for my presence. For the entire first semester I ate alone. Then I returned and went from ravers to college-bound seniors to an all-boys group to hanging out in the anime club every day. About three fourths of all the people I interacted with could not keep up with my developing art skills and refused to talk to me out of jealousy.
People who didn't know me thought of me as a senior because I was in higher-level classes in my freshman year.
I had a girl stalk me and harass me because she got the notion I was taking pictures of her satanic ex-boyfriend, and I didn't know any defense techniques back then, so I stuck with gentle, vanilla bureaucratic things like telling her I'd sue her.
Then I changed schools but this one I'm in is way smaller and I have my younger sister to use as an excuse for not really hanging out with anyone else.
Somehow, for some reason, I have acquired lots of (male, understandably) friends who have gone to juvy or even gotten arrested several times. But they're the most exciting to talk to, and often the most misunderstood.
I'm quite sure that in your neighborhood, there will always be at least one person who roots for the "underdogs", like me.
And if you can't find that person locally there's always the internet, and Myspace and stuff.
Best of luck!
-hugs-

reply to post by mossme89


Hey man, you'll soon find out when you graduate from hs that the real world is better. HS is a micro condensed version of our real world, however with blatant harsh social hierarchies and structures. HS pretty much trains you to accept these social hierarchies and so called social norms. However there is more of breathing room when you get out of hs. In hs there is more scrutiny and social pressure to be fit in and be socially accepted...its almost like a mini-socialist society. My advice...DON'T CONFORM...just graduate and get the hell out of dodge, hs doesn't allow you grow or actually learn anything of value. Your dilemma is the hs system itself...you almost at light of the end of the tunnel...and you'll see that life outside hs is better...not perfect....but a lot better!

reply to post by mossme89


I haven't read the thread so someone may have recommended this. Take an acting and or public speaking class. The acting is the best because you get used to taking on different personas and having people respond to you. Everyone in the class is going to be as embarrased as you are. When everyone starts on a level playing field it makes it much easier. These classes will help you in every social situation.

Sorry for whatever this is...