A Confusing Situation

Hey everyone,

As the title of this thread says, I'm in the middle of a "brain vs. heart" issue, and was looking for some input, or advice. I hate to say it, but I'm a noob when it comes to this situation.


The background story:

I went to a friend's party on July 3rd. At this party, I met a girl. We only talked for a little, because she had to wait on a friend. She seemed like a nice person, and I am 99.5% sure that she was hitting on me. She ended up leaving with my number, and I had hers.

The conflict (on my part):

-My heart is telling me that she is interested in me, but I myself feel almost indifferent about her affection. I'm still recovering from a bad previous relationship, and you would think being with someone else would help things. Ironically, she was suffering from a breakup as well.

-My Brain is telling me that something like this could work out, and logically, would be the best option for me, which completely disagrees with what my heart is saying.

NOTE: I refer to my brain and heart because the brain is more concrete (logic, knowledge), while my heart is more abstract (emotions). So all I'm saying is that there are two main thoughts going through my head.


The problems that I see with forming a relationship with this girl:

-Age gap: I'm 19, and she's 23. This feels a little weird to me, because I'm normally with people that are around my age (as in 2 years older than me at most). So for me to be getting attention from someone that's older by 4 years is a little unusual.

-She asked for a kiss almost after an hour of talking. It wasn't even a "sexy/emotional talk", but more of a personal information talk. Does anyone think this sounds a little odd? (and no, she wasn't drinking).

-Something in the back of my head is saying that I should be cautious about being with her. Don't get me wrong, if you would've seen her, she seems like one of the most normal people you could meet. And for the most part, she was. But something keeps on nagging, something I can't place my finger on.

Final Thoughts (from me):
-The psychologist in me says that the reason I feel indifferent towards her emotions and affection is because I'm scared that the same thing that happened in my previous relationship (without going too much into detail. she said she liked me, and then the next day gave the "let's be friends" deal), will happen again. This would also explain that nagging feeling that something about her isn't right.

-Also, she didn't know anyone at this party except for her friend. Since she just got through a breakup herself, and she always wanted to live in "the country" (where I grew up) she could have just "picked up a random guy" that seemed like a reasonable person. (I really hope that's not the reason). This would explain the kissing issue mentioned above.

-I can (usually) tell when someone is lying. In addition to this, my intuition is about the same. Whenever I have that nagging feeling, something is always amiss. It's almost like there's an aura around the thing which gives it away. Anyway, in her case, the best way to describe the nagging feeling is it's like being in a room with a ghost staring at you; You know the ghost is staring at you, but since you can't "see" it staring at you, it bothers you. For you non-ghost believers, it feels like when you see someone that is trying to hold something back; you know they want to say something to you, but since they don't it just makes you wonder what they were going to say.

Finally, any thoughts in regard to all this? I'm probably over-analyzing (thanks to a scientific/psychology thinking pattern). Like I said, in this case I'm new, so any advice (except for "you should go and bang her"), would be helpful.

Oh, and I apologize for the long read.

-fossilera

We have Intuition for a reason, use it Daniel-son.

What starts off as a "feeling" of being " not right". will soon turn into alot more being " not right", as you were.

Listen to your subconscious, it see's and know's all. Yet at the same time, don't mistake it with fear based in memory.

Sometimes I think intuition is just thought and emotion rippling through time from a future event.

Procrastination is masterbation.

Whatever you do, jump in with both feet, and never look back.

reply to post by fossilera

This is what *I get, from your post.

You aren't into her. If you have to go through all of that analyzing and still not know if you want to see her again, than you don't. No need to talk yourself into something you don't really want.

Don't second guess yourself. Chalk it up to a fun night and to meeting an interesting person and move on.

I'll agree. You aren't "into her", as was said, but you did like the attention she gave you....

However, you're overanalyzing it... Who said you have to immediately get into a "relationship" with her? Do you really have much to lose by simply calling her up, making a date, and getting to know her a little better? Just because you didn't see sparks the initial meeting, doesn't mean they won't ever be there... What's wrong with investing a tiny bit more time to find out? It's better than moping around for an ex....

You obviously thought enough of her to chat her up and exchange numbers (and exchanging numbers pretty much puts at 100% of her hitting on you... )

Get back on the horse....as the saying goes, and you'll be better off for it, whether this is just a flash in the pan or not...doesn't mean you gotta marry the gal!

[edit on 6-7-2010 by Gazrok]

Sorry - misread your post.

Good luck, whatever you decide. I hope things work out well for you.

[edit on 6-7-2010 by berenike]

Thanks for all the help guys!

I'm going to sleep on the matter some more, but I think I'll give it a shot. I mean, there isn't that much to lose either way.

As for my nagging feeling, I won't know what it is that's bothering me unless I find out. If it's something negative, then at least I'll learn from the experience.

Again, Thank You!
-fossilera

reply to post by fossilera

My heart is telling me that she is interested in me, but I myself feel almost indifferent about her affection. I'm still recovering from a bad previous relationship, and you would think being with someone else would help things. Ironically, she was suffering from a breakup as well.

Really does not matter. Everyone who has ever been in a relationship walks into it after getting out of a bad one. If it was not a bad one you would still be in it... Unless you walked out on a perfectly good relationship then you are a sucker.

-Age gap: I'm 19, and she's 23.

That is perfect and i will tell you why. You do not want a girl that is 19-21, by the time they are 23 it already rules out a lot of issues.
1. No kids, if she is that old and no kids it shows a base level of responsibility. Unless she is fat than that means it is still risky.

2. Alcoholz. By the time she is 23 chances are she got all the crazy party drinking out of the way, so you do not have to worry about her acting retarded whenever you go out anywhere. You also do not have to worry about the speakers in you car being blown out from her intoxicated brain turning the radio station to some crappy 80's station and turning the volume up after each song while she shouts this is MY SONG. Unless she is fat then the rules are different, she probably does not drink at all as it is too costly a habbit.

She asked for a kiss almost after an hour of talking.

That is a red flag to me, and it is my opinion that it screams daddy issues. Okay so a kiss at a party after one hour of talking at the party. Do you honestly think that she is the first guy she has done that to? Chances are there is probably another guy out there that left the party saying the same exact thing.

Something in the back of my head is saying that I should be cautious about being with her.

Yeah, no sherlock. I would double bag it if i were you.

Finally, any thoughts in regard to all this?

Well i need information. Do you have girls interested in you often or is this some new strange event?
She will probably be fun for a while but i would not get to heavily involved with this one.
unless she is fat then it is different.

reply to post by zaiger


One should always practice safe sex these days, unless you know you are in a committed relationship (i.e. married, or been together for years)...

Zaiger, for me it's not everyday someone tries hitting on me like that. Most of the girls I know are just content with me being a friend, which I have no problem with.

And no, she isn't fat.

As for the nagging feeling, we're both starting to see that we don't have anything in common, and she's starting to drift away. I wouldn't be surprised if it's to someone else that was in the same group of people that we were with.

Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and another learning experience for me.

-fossilera

My suggestion would be to try things out. It never hurts having another friend in this world. Not every meeting with a person of the opposite sex has to turn into a relationship. This is just from personal experience. Used to think that I had to have a girlfriend to be happy in this world, and I've found since I quit chasing after women 3-4 years ago, I've actually found out alot about myself that I really enjoy. You're at that age where chasing women is the only thing that is fun, and granted it is, but in my opinion, that's the age we, as young adults, should be exploring and figuring ourselves out, not trying to establish a family and a deep relationship.

As someone said before, the age difference doesn't matter. It's not like she's going to be talking about the moon landing and how amazing it was watching it live on a black and white television. It's 4 years, not a huge age gap. And you might be pleasantly surprised at the level of maturity a 23 yr old woman can handle.

The only problem I have, is that you're worried about appearances as someone else was so concerned about. But whatever, that's something you'll realize as you get older, that body shape doesn't dictate the intelligence, compassion, compatibility, maturity, or anything for that matter. There's alot more beauty to an individual than the way they look.

Anyways, go into a new encounter with someone with a fresh brain. As in, flush all that garbage of the previous relationship out of your brain. It only puts excess pressure on her to be a certain way, and pressure on you to try to be perfect all the time. Be yourself, and if it doesn't work out, at least you know that nothing was forced because those little bumps turn into huge potholes down the road.

reply to post by zaiger


Why would fat have anything to do with it? I must be missing something....

Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by zaiger

 

Why would fat have anything to do with it? I must be missing something....

Being fat has nothing to do with it I specifically said that even if she is fat it is not different.


Edit to add:
Im all for the moderation of the board and i think the mods do a good job. However, I think it is total crap to have one mod ask me for clarification just to have another mod flag it as off topic.

[edit on 12-7-2010 by zaiger]

Well, that should help, check your U2U's. (and hard to be too off topic, in BTS)...

reply to post by fossilera


Honestly, I really don't think that four years is a big age gap. There was a much bigger age gap between me, and my last boyfriend. I think that sometimes, an age gap can be an advantage in a relationship, as the older partner has more experience and patience.

I also don't think it's odd to ask for a kiss after an hour of talking. I know that people have different levels of what they are comfortable with, as far as initiation of physical intimacy is concerned, so I can understand if you found that to be too soon. But personally, I would have been flattered ... assuming, of course, that the person was attractive to me.

Usually, people send each other non-verbal signals of mutual attraction, hence one person can feel comfortable in intiating a kiss. But sometimes, those signals are misread. In that case, it's just awkward.


[edit on 15-7-2010 by Snow.In.Summer]

reply to post by fossilera

Well im sorry that you had to go through a bad break up recently and honestly if you dont intend to do it again i would stay clear of this woman.Sounds to me like she was looking for a one night stand not a relationship.Who kisses a person they barely know? Again sorry for the bad break up I wish u all the best in the future

Really you are not really that into her you liked the attention and rightfully so call it a fun interesting night and leave it at that. You may not be quite ready for a full blown relationship and that is okay.

As for the age difference four years is not bad for you being 19 years old as long as its four years above you and not four years below you. And the truth is once you get to be about 23 or so 4-5 years below you and 4-5 years above you are perfectly well within an acceptable dating range. These are the age ranges of the people that will tend to be your peers and associates on a day to day basis.

It just seems odd to you right now because you are just climbing out of the kiddie pool is all.