Ask A Schizophrenic Anything

reply to post by harrytuttle


Never heard of it. Are you suggesting I should offer myself up to test that theory?

reply to post by Agree2Disagree


Every single day.

Mine just seem a lot more outter than your's do.

I am sorry for what might have seemed like an outburst or stray from the conversation pages ago. They say I hyave mental illness , nothing to severe got picked up by cops for talking crazy when high and it turned into something I got to deal with for life. I thought you might have been trying to make fun, they dont usually let you go off your meds. I am sorry I thought you one of these leeches keep popping up causing problems, sterile not allowed in country or banned almost killed, oh the horror we dont like to watch mtv. You know evolution they say predates civilization cause we only have records 10,000 years and a theory slowly physical change or whatever. Just I wasnt there you werent there and who knows. I hope you help with your plans of helping "one" or whatever.

reply to post by P. O. W.


I was blessed with an amazing family and amazing family doctors. It's given me a good level of freedom, though I'm unsure of how long it will last.

I've been taking on a heavy load the past few weeks. My evaluation was moved to the 22nd. I may request anxiety meds, as I've been having nonstop panic attacks the last few days. I'm unsure, though, about the meds.

Stay strong, Brother. Thank you for your post.

Hi Clever. Interesting thread.
I just found out my mom is skitzo. She constantly thinks there's a meth lab next door. She will invent the characters and watch them nightly like it's her private tv. She is in total denial and I can't convince here she is hallucinating.
Anyway, what brings you comfort? What made you realize the visions weren't real? Do you drink coffee?

I really respect you for having the courage to expose yourself on this forum, and I think that it's great allowing other people to have an inside look at how someone with this disorder functions as opposed to reading what experts have stated about the illness with no real first hand experience of what it is actually like.

Here is my question.

1. Are you currently single, if not how does your disorder negatively and positively impact your romantic relationships, and if so why do you feel the need to be unattached?

Clever, I wish I could live a day, (or better yet, weeks or months) experiencing life as you do. The sheer idea of it seems so intruigeing, I can't help but wonder exactly how it would feel.

I stumbled upon this topic, and I ended up spending my entire night reading more or less all of it. Thank you for such an in-depth look into the mind of a person like yourself. At this point, I would love to learn as much as possible about this subject.

I myself have had an experience with sleep paralysis before: It was the most terrifying moment of my life. I wasn't 100% conscious at the time, so I recall hearing something that sounded like knives being sharpened. Were it not for the fact that I couldn't move a muscle, I might have peed my pants!

Two questions:
1) Am I real? Does it matter if I am real or not (at least within your perspective)?

2) What was your favorite dream like? We can trade! I'll tell you mine, and you tell me yours!

In my favorite dream, I am walking along a deserted street, a rifle in my right hand and a child cradled with my left. The buildings around me lie empty and ravaged by looters and thieves. As I walk, the sun begins to set, and it casts a golden glow across the city. I pause for a moment at the top of a staircase, to what I presume is the remains of a town hall, and I watch the sunset. As the Sun sinks down, I realize that the child I hold is my own. I peel back the hood covering it's face, and the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen is revealed. "My child," I say to myself. She stirs for a moment, smiles at me, then falls back asleep, her head resting on my shoulder. I am filled with joy at this marvelous little one. I know that I would die for her in a heartbeat.

I return to my trek, in search for a faceless woman, the mother of my child.

At this point, the dream ended, and I woke up, just minutes before my alarm would have gone off.

reply to post by Xilias


You are very welcome.

My favorite dreams involve me in my room, listening to music on my laptop, playing solitaire.

That is all.

Simplicity is my Nirvana.

EDIT: Sorry for the edit, I'm such a hypocrite, but I forgot to answer you first question.

No one is real, to me, until I have met them in person. Even then. I am wary, and can only know if you are real by how you act over a certain number of days.

It's complicated.

[edit on 10/2/2009 by CleverNameHere]

Very cool thread!

So, me being jobless unemployed - I've been doing a bit of couch surfing lately. I stay over at a friends house often and he has a Schizophrenic older brother who lives with him. His name is Nick (irony?), and he's a really cool dude. He's 26 and has been schizophrenic since age 20. It's been progressive for him, and he has his bad spells - especially when he denies his meds. He's diagnosed paranoid schizoprenic.

So anyways he has his daily routines which consist of eating quite a bit, lots of bacon lately. If he's not laying down in random places of the house he's generally pacing around certain parts of the house. Back and forth across the living room, up and down the basement stairs. Nick has a daily pattern of laying or pacing in what I like to think of a certain 'zone' of the house. A 'safe zone' where he's most comfortable I believe. When he feels threatened by voices or hallucinations he moves to a new 'zone' of the house. He'll continue to do this until he finds one comfy enough to fall asleep in.

Nick is a trip, let me tell you. But I got a lot of love for the guy. He seems to talk to himself more at night, when he is up from about 12am until 5-6am pacing, chainsmoking and whatnot. At times in the early am hours I wake up on the couch and hear him pacing and talking in what seems like tongues. If you listen closely its actually him talking in what seems to be about 5 or 6 different voices. He responds to his own questions and accusations over and over again. Some of the voices are low in pitch and almost demonic and threatening sounding, others are giddy and giggly. It's a constant war in his mind between what, I don't know. Waking up to this can get quite disturbing at times.

He has had 5150 episodes before, the gnarliest was when he pulled a butcher knife on a friend who was over at the house. And he does seem to have severe paranoid delusions. Despite how extreme he may seem to be, he can focus in and have intelligent conversation with his brother, I and certain friends. If he could focus more he would be a very bright man. Music seems to help him a lot...

I could go on for days about Nick and his antics! It's been really interesting to read this thread - I feel I have a better insight about My boy Nick's mindstate and how to be more empathetic to his issues.

Do you have any advice for Nick's situation? Anything I mentioned that you relate to?

Bless!

reply to post by Psi-Vampress


Relationships don't last for me because anyone that I begin to fall in love with becomes a big part of my delusions, and one of two things will happen:

1. I tell her from the git-go, and she is so weirded out that she's done from the start.

2. She thinks she'll be strong enough for me, but finds out that I'm a bit more than a handful.

Just more questions about the voices you hear,

you hear them in your head but do they also talk through you as speech?

do you also talk back to them, as in a conversation that the voices can understand and reply back to you or is it only a one-sided conversation?

probably already been answered but can you tell the difference between the voices, as in do they sound the same or just the wording that is used by the voices to know the difference?

Have these voices gave out their names or ages or even their places, or do you believe they are just another part of you as in a split-personality type thing?
Thanks for any answers you might provide,they are something that I've wanted to understand for a while.

reply to post by Neurockones


Nothing that I can really relate to, other than the Safe Zones of the house.

My room is my Safest Zone, my parents' room is number 2 on the list, kitchen is 3.

Seems like Nick is stuck in a loop, and suspended in time, but I don't know enough about him to really say.

reply to post by redgy


Talk through me? Ah, I guess you could say they do in a way, but mostly in my head. I feel it in my entire body, though, yes.

I usually ignore them, but I can have conversations with them. It usually ends up with trash-talking.

I can tell the difference most of the time, such as different vocabularies and literacy levels.

Schizophrenia is not a split-personality disorder, despite popular opinion.

I've actually gotten one to talk to me "out of character", and he told me his name was Smiley. No idea what that means.

Fasho, that's all hella interesting to me.

The whole 'safe zone' thing was a conjuration of mine after I started really noticing Nick's patterns. The way he paces in one room for a while feeling it out.

You can hear him speaking to himself in various voices and tones until he either becomes at peace with himself for a bit - or starts feeling uncomfortable. When it gets too much for him he'll usually go quickly to another room while yelling or muttering curse words at said 'voices' and 'entities'. 'Safe Zone' was the only thing that made sense and helped me relate to his trains of thought. His favorite areas seem to be his room, the kitchen and the basement. He'll even move from couch to couch until he feels just right. That's really the only time he'll settle. Usually not for long though. I don't think I've ever seen Nick sleep for more than 3 - 4 hours at a time.

Funny you mentioned the trash talk. When Nick is really going off he talks in the various voices I mentioned aloud. And it usually does end up in trash talking.

Random story - About three months ago he stopped taking his meds for a while and started getting seriously deep into his world that he lives in. It was pretty frightening to be there next to him for a couple days when he got his darkest.

I remember coming home to find him gone. He hadn't taken anything with him on his way out. Left his wallet and money, keys to the house - everything. I ended up finding a hand written note of his on the table and it was basically a three page series of lists of what I assume are entities or voices that he's familiar with in his day to day experiences. It had things like 'dark joker' and 'lady in purple'. There were at least 40 different things written down, some two or more times repetitively, some crossed out with cryptic messages written next to them. I wish I could find those lists.

We ended up finding Nick about a week later, about 40 miles away from homebase. That's another story and maybe I could elaborate later. It's a pretty good one.

I think homeboy needs some hobbies...

Do you have anything other than Music to help you focus your thoughts and drown out the voices?





[edit on 2-10-2009 by Neurockones]

reply to post by Neurockones


Absolute quiet.

There's nothing more amazing than complete, total silence.

hey, im sposed to be schizo and i see patterns in everything too!

some of the connections i see led me to this site; but i also see other connections that arent mentioned here. strange patterns and coincidences in my life; and in other subjects. i also feel that im here for a purpose; and have to figure out what it is - it is something to do with helping people - but i cant quite figure out what i have to do. but its like i have to crack some code or something. Its interesting what ive read about the monarch babies and those experiments the cia supposedly did; cuz i read about some type of 'encoding' to do with the wizard of oz and butterflies... i have that majorly. everything comes back to the wizard of oz for me 4 some reason..

i reckon there ARE patterns in everything and some people's brains are computers that can see the connections better or faster than others.

that is my optomistic take on things...

all i say is: dont write yourself off as crazy unless you're absolutely sure. i usually give myself th benefit of the doubt; im sane until proven crazy...ha ha ha....

reply to post by rapunzel222


A better way to look at it, so that you do not get your hopes up and possibly ruin your own or others' lives or well-being, is to realize that it is not others that have to prove you wrong, but that you yourself have to prove your case true to yourself.

I am insane until I can prove myself sane.

That is the only way people will trust you. Until you gain their trust, you will never succeed with your Path, whether your purpose is to better the world, or simply another's mindset.

Always remember: Do not get caught in the metaphors.

Hi Clevernamehere, i'm a newbie to this site. Actually i stumbled across this site using...well, stumbleupon. Anyway, i'd like to share my experiences of late with you. I don't know if anything that has happened to me will be of any insight or not, but from the posts i've read so far (read about 6 pages, not all 20 yet) you seem to have gone through some very similar experiences as i have. In fact, normally my name on messageboards is CreativeName, but i didn't want you to think i was copying, so i posted my PVP avatar name for most games i play. (I'm rambling, sorry).

My mental state is EXTREMELY similar to what you (as well as a choice few other posters) have described, and i'm curious as to the similarities of my night in september 2007 and your night in december 2008. I'm only comfortable sharing this because its anonymous. I've never told anyone this in real life.

Two years ago, I experimented with quite a few different hallucinatory drugs, including, but not limited to: 2CI, 2CE, 2CB (plus more of the 2C series, but don't remember the exact ones), '___', cubensis mushrooms, and lots of cannabis. Well, it all culminated one fateful evening.

I was in a paramedic academy at the time, and was under a good bit of stress, as it was military style, strict rules, physical training daily, etc. On the weekends, i'd do whatever i could to get my mind off of things (this is while i was still "sane"). I was also "in love" with the girl i sat next to in class. I should mention here, that, while i've had sex with a male before (i'm not gay, long story), i've never been with a woman. I've also never been in a relationship, never had a girlfriend, and have only fallen for/crushed on about 4 girls in my life.

After a friday night of tripping off of 2CI/2CE/2CB cocktail (i thought it was just 2CE btw, only after the fact did i fidn out i was on a myriad of hallucinogens) i hung out with some friends that day, enjoying myself, until i called the girl in question that afternoon. She was going to a party that evening. I told her i wanted to meet her there, and she warned me that the police were all over the place at the time. Normally (she knew this) i would have avoided the area at all costs while on illegal substances, but alas, the cocktail had boosted my confidence to enormous proportions.

So instead of just going to the party, i decided to take another swig of the cocktail. That swig didn't hit me until after the brass knuckles did.

I got to the party, and after hugging her neck (we were good friends by this time, and she was well aware i was into her, but she had made it clear early on she didn't return those feelings) we went to the party together. There were some guys crashing the party, and pissing people off.

well, things get a little complicated at this point, and if you'd like to hear all the gorey little details, i've no problem telling you, but the important part is that i got into a confrontation with one of the guys. right after telling the girl i was a virgin (which was/still is only kinda true). The guy pushed me, and in my overconfident state, i pushed him back, next thing a knew i was picking myself up off the ground. From what i understand, there were four guys, at least one with brass knuckles, who jumped on me and beat me down. I should mention here that i have a bone disease: Osteo Genesis Imperfecta. AKA brittle bones. Well it didn't take more than 1 punch from the knucks to lay me out, but the didn't stop there. I ended up with a gash over my eye, broken nose, broken jaw, broken rib, and a missing tooth.

That was when my world changed. Logically, i'd say that i suffered a combination of possible minor brain damage supplemented by the hallucinogens, but i'm not totally sure exactly what caused the split.

I'll finish this post in a second box, as i'm almost out of characters.

That night was by far the strangest night of my life. I called a friend of mine (also my pot dealer) who lived across the street from where the party was taking place. He wasn't there at the time, but was nearby, so he told me to stay put and he'd be there to bring me to the hospital. And thats when the metaphors began. Everything around me was an ironic metaphor meant to put my life into a stark contrast of what i'd originally percieved it to be.

In the past i was a devout southern baptist, and as such many of my "hallucinations/metaphorical situations/etc" were of a christian flavor.

It turned out that ironically the 4 guys who put me in the hospital were known as the 4 horsemen. My parents took me to a "christian psychologist" who was crazier than i was. She basically encouraged my insane thinking instead of helped me come back to reality. Of course, i was in so deep at the time, that i believed it all, hook like and sinker.

Anyway back to my friend who brought me to the hospital. I associated him with death, and/or charon. He ferried me from my place of death to a place of all white...the hospital. I swear every nurse in that hospital was each individually the most beautiful person i'd ever seen. Here i was bleeding out of about 6 places, face a pile of mush, and i was convinced that the reason i was there was to be rewarded with sex.

It was at this point i began to realize my own insanity, but unfortunately, that second swig of cocktail i took earlier picked that particular moment to kick in, so everything got a little more insane from that point on. The rest of the night was like a scene from a horror movie, yet i was strangely calm throughout it all.

At one point I was convinced he only male nurse i saw in the hospital was a manifestation of a demon/devil/satan there only to rape me when i least expected it. My friend started saying crazy stuff, (he tripped a LOT, which is partially why i think i called him) which only put me deeper into this miasma. Well anyway, i could write about 6 of these posts and not come anywhere near describing that evening, so i'll just skip to the after-affects.

The following week, it was as though the left and right hemispheres of my brain (thats how i visualized it. in retrospect, i doubt the hemispheres played a large factor in it) were at war with each other. I simultaneously agreed and disagreed with everything. If you can name a topic, i had two opposing viewpoints on it. Now, two years later, i've grown to greatly appreciate this ability, but at the time, my mental landscape was much more war-torn.

To this day, i ponder on the things i still can't explain away. The impossible internal coincidences. for example, i'm listening to love me dead by ludo, and right as the song climaxes with "you've got the MARK OF THE BEAST, your born of a jackal! your beautiful!" A car passes with the license plate 666. or i'm in full blown paranoia mode, and i'm convinced that everyone around me (besides my family) can read my thoughts, and a waiter walks up to my mother, and asks her to spell recognize....while staring directly at me. By far the freakiest thing that i've ever experienced...the coincidence with the 4 horsemen i mentioned above, etc. The list of impossible internal coincidences go on and on.

I'm able to lead a fairly normal life, hold a job, keep friends, enjoy myself, etc. yet i feel like i've been let in on this incredible cosmic secret, known only to a select few. I took an IQ test about 6months before the incident, and 18 months after, and my IQ actually rose by 11 points (i'm at 138 now). There are definite benefits to my new state of mind, yet, i feel as though i'll never be the same...and i'm not sure i want to. Even if i am just crazy, at least i get to have a little more fun than most eh?

just wondering if your experience has any correlation to mine. Srry for being so long winded. I really tried to keep it as short as possible.

reply to post by CleverNameHere


I take meds (I am not going to tell you what for, it is my personal business) but as I know what your talking about because I get a lot of psychic stuff along with my illness I can tell you right now you people that don't take your meds get me really damn angry.....................why,

because one day you will not be able to control yourself and you will hurt some poor soul, animal without even knowing that you have done it or be able to control it. And don't say you won't okay.................been there, done that. Your bloody selfish and irresponsible, don't even get me started here. I know all about it first hand.