posted on Jan, 23 2009 @ 05:44 AM
I married young, (19) and with nothing but good intentions and love in my heart. So that's where I'll start this thread and I'll only briefly touch
on some of the problems I experienced both past and present. Being 19, married and in the military was the hardest combination in life I've ever
experienced or at least that's what I thought. My wife was the same age as myself and already had a child from a previous relationship, which in
itself made me an "overnight father". Now that's not all in all a bad thing but if you consider that I grew up without one, the lack of lessons
learned becomes apparent.
Everything that I could do for ( we'll call him steven of course that's not his real name) I did, toys, trips, you know cool dad/son stuff, and
being only 2 years old when I met his mother thats exactly what he started calling me! It was rough at times as I knew very little about raising a
child but I got the hang of it pretty quick and began to enjoy it. The problems start at this point, We became pregnant with another child and as I
was in the military this would prove to be a difficult pregnancy because my duties kept my working long hours and my wife did not drive (she never
took the time to get her DL)
The Army made this as hard as possible on me for reasons unknown to me, and I got stuck with duty all the time even more so then some of the single
soldiers. Of course this caused problems between my completly un understanding wife and myself quite frequently, the arguments, the namecalling, the
general unrest that normaly goes with marriage only compounded by her tendency to hit and kick me. What was I to do, I loved her and had a profound
desire to "fix" the problems that plagued our marriage so I signed us up for the next availible marriage counseling classs.
The class was a couples based class and I was excited to be learning some decent communication and problem solving skills, the only problem, my wife
refussed to attend, so I worked through the 1 hour a day for two weeks with the instructor as my "spouse" during which I didn't argue with my real
wife I just respected her wishes and attended alone. After the entire class concluded I had a newfound energy, a desire to use all the skills I
learned to better my marriage and strengthin my relationship, but alas one person with newly aquired communication skills attempting to communicate
with somebody who possesses no desire to do so whatsoever is a bit impossible.
I know that wars are not won overnight, and in a worst case scenario marriage, it's just that... war, maybe not everyday but most, as was the case
with mine.The arguments got more and more frequent and more and more intense after our daughter was born. I was not alloud to persue any of my
interests in life without severe reprecusions, and constant nagging that I associated with her lack of ability to understand life itself. Even though
I wasn't, I was always accused of "eying up" other women or "staring" at other women and it got to the point where the jealosey on her part
became such that I was not "allowed" to even speak with my mother on the phone. Because my wife believed I loved my mother more then her.
She always had a way of playing on my emotions, specificaly the ones dealing with my inability to leave her due to me growing up without a father and
the dream I've always held on close to of one day "living the American dream" when I would mention the "d" word I would called any number of
names as well as have my "manhood' brought into question. I finally was able to request some time off at one point to allow for my mother and sister
to come out and visit! boy was I excited as it had been quite awhile since I last had seen them... The trouble with a jealous person is that they
don't care who they are jealous of, they just are.
Just after 9-11-01, March to be more exact, my mother and sister took a greyhound bus to FT.Knox KY with 4 days availible to visit my family and I,
boy was it great to see them after all that time I could not wait to show them all of the sights around the base. I noticed my wife becoming angry
whenever I would sit by my mother or sister, and pretty much any time I showed them any attention, I wanted not to argue with her during the visit and
avoided the confrontation many many times.One day I was called in to report for an 8hour shift at the front gate( gate guard) so I kissed my wife,
son, daughter, mom, sister,and left for duty, for hours later I was told I had a "visitor" I walked up to the shack and to my surprise, my sister
was standing there crying teling me that my wife had called the MP's on them and that they had to leave post right now.
After speaking with the NCO on duty I was able to persuade him to let me leave to attempt to quell the drama unfolding at home. As I arived at my
appartment I noticed an MP vehicle in front, as I walked in my wife and kids were nowhere to be found only my mom sitting on the couch crying and
slowly shaking, telling me [they] got into an argument and [she] called the "cops" on them. The officer then proceeded to inform me that they( mom
and sis) would have to leave post immedeatly and there was nothing I could do,(skipping a long drawn out) series of events I found myself waiting at
the front gate with my mom and sister as they waited for their cab ( I was not allowed to leave to take them to the bus station, and they had no money
for a hotel) and I said my goodbye's with tears in my eyes as they got in the cab and drove away.
Scince leaving the military, after completing an overseas tour and my contract,Years of fighting and termoil have passed and the memory of the early
days of our mariage still haunts my memories.up's and down's,job changes, promotions, demotions, Ive become numb and I guess I just accept the
choices I've made and deal with the concequences of my own actions, I'm filled to the brim with regreat and I'm bitter all the time, and every day
of my life seems worse then the day before.
At present I am still married to the same woman mentioned in the above short discription of a fractional amount of things she's t me through. We live
in a nice suburb and I work hard for everything we have, she is unable to find or keep for that matter,any kind of gainful employment wich means I
work twice as hard to support us after two lenghty seperations i have come to the conclusion that I only stay with her "for the kids' I have been
told that this is acctually more harmfull to them then a divorce would be, at this point I am wondering if I have a codependency issue as I cannot
bring myself to leave her, eventhough I'm misserable and bitter. I know I'm not the only one with a problem like this but it's sure unique and I'm
not a 'perfect angel" by no means but nowhere near the vindictive spitefull person that is my wife, any thoughts on the matter would be greatly
appreciated and thank you in advance.