posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 06:39 PM
The Skills Required In Order To Be a Real CIA/DIA/NSA/FBI Field Agent
For those of you who truly are looking into getting into
the field operative portion of the intelligence game,
I can also offer you some VERY specific advice
geared towards those who have the more clandestine bent.
It is unlikely that you will be raving about
"The Things I have To Do For My Country"
as you think about nibbling on one of
those achingly attractive members
of that Czech gangster's harem.
BUT there are SOME good parts about the job!
There are two types of intelligence agents:
2) Horse-riding Pioneers
As a Horse-riding Pioneer, you hate being inside
and have NO INTENTION of sitting on your ass all day
pushing buttons and shoving used Kleenex into
the Fedex bin.
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You're far more interested in trying out that
brand spanking new H&K SP89 9mm with Scope and PSG-1 Grip that OPS
is gonna give you....YOU ALSO HATE reports...Reading Them or Writing Them!
To You, having to eat those Sloppy Joes in the Dungeon Cafeteria
at Langley would give you ample cause for doing a Black Bag & Bang
job at the Food Services office.
You joined up to bust some heads, travel to Tora Bora
and drive Souped up '69 Cougars in St. Petersburg (Russia that is!)
Skill Set I want:
Russian, German, Pashtun, Arabic, Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Tagalog!
Dammit!!!! I'm sending you to a hell hole in afghanistan
where it's 130 degrees in the shade!!!!!
If you're gonna be negotiating with some local drug warlord
about teasing some intel on that free-for-all weapons market
zone just across the border in Pakistan, then dammit, you had
better speak more than just 10 words of Pashtun!!!
Frack It! I'm sending you for 8 months to Pensacola
to language school where I guarantee you that all that
video-based training will turn your illiterate yankee
writing hand into a still illiterate but Pashtun SPEAKING
operative who can figure out that when local warlord
says Water Tanks he really means those 1000 litre Toyota-driven
boxes of Semtex just smuggled in from Iran to be used
in those roadside IEDs and not an actual drinking water tank.
And another thing, you're gonna be riding a real pony
and maybe even a local oxen or two, so you'll be going to a
Pennsylvania farm to learn some horsehandling, horse watering,
no-saddle riding and no-grain feeding skills that'll get you
by in that sand-blasted, no water, all-heat, no food place
you call Khandahar. You'll also learn not to walk BEHIND
a Horse or OX unexpectedly unless you LIKE getting
your spleen split by a good kick in the stomach!
H&K 9mm with Night Scope? Oh Please that wouldn't last 2 seconds
in the sand and dust! - No you'll be learning all about AK-47's,
Colt 45's and how to shootem straight and keep em clean!
And just in case you MIGHT, POSSIBLY, MAYBE get that
Belgian P90 Close Quarters Combat auto, We'll be making
sure you can field strip & clean it in les than 15 minutes
with your eyes closed!
We'll also make sure that you understand that a good knife
hidden under that easy-to-get-to chest cutout flap of your
desert tunic is a god-send and will save your butt
20 ways to hell.