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To Mr.FBI or CIA or whom it my concern..

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posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 06:04 PM
This thread reminds me of that OLD joke...

Some men were applying for a position in the CIA. They were lined up outside in a hallway. One by one they were brought into a room where there was a table, an empty chair and a man in a suit seated at the table. On the table was a gun. There was also a door on the other side of the room marked "Office".

Each man was told that their wife was in the office and if they wanted a position with the CIA, they would take the gun, go into the office and shoot their wife. Indeed, when each man walked into the office with the gun, they found their wives sitting in a chair in handcuffs. One by one, the men left the room, unable to pull the trigger, failing the test.

And then, the last man in the hallway was brought in. The CIA man in the suit explained the situation to the last applicant and sat back. The applicant quickly picked up the gun and strided to the office, walked in and closed the door. In a matter of seconds, there was the sound of gunshots, screaming and then the sounds of scuffling.

The CIA man in the suit jumped out of his chair and turned to look at the closed office door. Within a few minutes, the door opened and the applicant emerged, scratched up, shirt ripped but otherwise okay.

"What happened!?" asked the CIA man.

With a big grin on his face the applicant said, "Well, someone accidentally loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to strangle her!"

posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 06:39 PM
The Skills Required In Order To Be a Real CIA/DIA/NSA/FBI Field Agent

For those of you who truly are looking into getting into
the field operative portion of the intelligence game,
I can also offer you some VERY specific advice
geared towards those who have the more clandestine bent.

It is unlikely that you will be raving about
"The Things I have To Do For My Country"
as you think about nibbling on one of
those achingly attractive members
of that Czech gangster's harem.

BUT there are SOME good parts about the job!

There are two types of intelligence agents:

1) Homesteaders

2) Horse-riding Pioneers

As a Horse-riding Pioneer, you hate being inside
and have NO INTENTION of sitting on your ass all day
pushing buttons and shoving used Kleenex into
the Fedex bin.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You're far more interested in trying out that
brand spanking new H&K SP89 9mm with Scope and PSG-1 Grip that OPS
is gonna give you....YOU ALSO HATE reports...Reading Them or Writing Them!

To You, having to eat those Sloppy Joes in the Dungeon Cafeteria
at Langley would give you ample cause for doing a Black Bag & Bang
job at the Food Services office.

You joined up to bust some heads, travel to Tora Bora
and drive Souped up '69 Cougars in St. Petersburg (Russia that is!)

Skill Set I want:

Russian, German, Pashtun, Arabic, Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Tagalog!

Dammit!!!! I'm sending you to a hell hole in afghanistan
where it's 130 degrees in the shade!!!!!

If you're gonna be negotiating with some local drug warlord
about teasing some intel on that free-for-all weapons market
zone just across the border in Pakistan, then dammit, you had
better speak more than just 10 words of Pashtun!!!

Frack It! I'm sending you for 8 months to Pensacola
to language school where I guarantee you that all that
video-based training will turn your illiterate yankee
writing hand into a still illiterate but Pashtun SPEAKING
operative who can figure out that when local warlord
says Water Tanks he really means those 1000 litre Toyota-driven
boxes of Semtex just smuggled in from Iran to be used
in those roadside IEDs and not an actual drinking water tank.

And another thing, you're gonna be riding a real pony
and maybe even a local oxen or two, so you'll be going to a
Pennsylvania farm to learn some horsehandling, horse watering,
no-saddle riding and no-grain feeding skills that'll get you
by in that sand-blasted, no water, all-heat, no food place
you call Khandahar. You'll also learn not to walk BEHIND
a Horse or OX unexpectedly unless you LIKE getting
your spleen split by a good kick in the stomach!

H&K 9mm with Night Scope? Oh Please that wouldn't last 2 seconds
in the sand and dust! - No you'll be learning all about AK-47's,
Colt 45's and how to shootem straight and keep em clean!

And just in case you MIGHT, POSSIBLY, MAYBE get that
Belgian P90 Close Quarters Combat auto, We'll be making
sure you can field strip & clean it in les than 15 minutes
with your eyes closed!

We'll also make sure that you understand that a good knife
hidden under that easy-to-get-to chest cutout flap of your
desert tunic is a god-send and will save your butt
20 ways to hell.


posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 06:43 PM
The Skills Required In Order To Be a Real CIA/DIA/NSA/FBI Field Agent


Before you even get send to this part of the world,
you'll be able to do a 6 minute mile in combat boots.
You also carry a 60 lbs rucksack 20 miles at a time
with little rest and you learn that sand or dirt piled
up behind some rocks is a pretty comfortable bed
if you put some spare tunics on it.

You'll also find out that smoking, fires or lights
of any kind are a BIG NO-NO and than MRE's with
the self-heating bag are a god-send. Wouldn't want
those Tali's noticing your position 3000 feet up
in the rocky hills now would we?

You'll also earn all about ceramic water filters and that by
scraping the top of the plug with that big knife of yours, it
will give you an extra 1500 litres of virus & bacteria filtration power.

Binoculars? Kiss My Grits! Cuz that whats gonna happen!
the fronts will be ground and gritted into dust by the constant
sandblasting of the desert and you'll remember the concept of screw-on
protective glass plates and also be reminded that they need to be
replaced every 48 hours unless you LIKE looking through
milky-coloured window openings.

And another thing, ALWAYS pack along those tough mountian biker
gloves with the leather palm padding and finger cut-outs.
As front man, levelling that half-corroded AK-47 just rips
the shreds outa your palms after barely a mile.
They also get Smokin Hot after a few bursts
and that leather palm padding really helps.
The finger cutouts are bloody good when gripping
the water canteens you'll be using real often.

I mean REALLY! When the local opium wholesaler
sees that gel-pack water sack with sipping-straw
coming off your shoulder he's gonna know you're spec-ops
so leave it at home and wear your beards longs, keep your knives
and AK's handy and ALWAYS keep those water canteens close!

And for your info, trying to blend in wearing top-flight breathable
water-proof cammo boots isn't gonna cut it, so get used to making sandals
outa old rubber truck tires and LEARN to TOUGHEN up those feet of yours by
walking on the trail barefoot for a few miles. Hey the kids do it - Why can't you!

Oh and finally you'll remember that the C130's that'll drop
you off and pick you up spiral up and spiral down sharply for a reason!
So that you don't get your well-muscled ass blown off by a
Pakistani-sourced SAM or SFM. So if you're prone to air-sickness
this ain't the job for you!

After your 6th Month or 12 month tour, we'll give you 4 weeks
of leave that'll come out of your danger pay and remember to
ALWAYS carry condoms as you're banging those cute Estonian
refugees on your trip to Northern Greece or partying in Prague.

Our Drug Benefit limits out at 2 mil,
so cover your small head ALWAYS!

And Finally as that CIA/NSA/DIA field operative
you will DEFINITELY get to drive that MRAP right
through the gun-depot of that Taliban wacko
and then you and your buddies can waste-em all
with that brand-new MetalStorm fast-swap
barrel gun you just got in.

WOW !!!!! A million rounds a minute through almost ANYTHING!!!

Now those are some of the whopper fish stories
you can tell the cute dish at the NRO's SigInt
centre the next time you pick up those 2" resolution
11 by 17's of Bin Shidden and his henchmen
taken by a Sunbird from 20 miles up!

Hell, you can tell her you're goin on another mission,
this time to Thailand to fake out those North Korean
SCUD sellers trying to shippem to Syria.

You're gonna get them But Good!!!!!!!!!


posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 06:48 PM
The Skills Required In Order To Be a Real CIA/DIA/NSA/FBI Field Agent


Oh stuff it up your nose......You'll be going where I send you!

And that may mean 48 hours in the no-airconditioned attic
at the Hotel Crappy-Regis in Pissburg while you video that
flight instructor and his "New Iranian Girlfriend" opening
the door to the bathroom of their 2nd floor love nest.

You'll be eating pizza and pressing a little red button
on and off every 2 hours and writing down and phoning in
about 5 different licence plates to your HumInt Plugger
who'll pass it on to admin for the state agency plate number run.

If you're lucky, we'll send you to Toronto where you'll stay at
that two-floor Sunnyside Hotel on Steeles West so you can give a 3 hour
presentation to some CSIS bigwigs who are in town from Ottawa
in the name of "North American Intelligence Sharing & Cooperation"

98% of the time you'll be writing down names, numbers, places
and taking a photo or a video and just plain old blending in
everywhere we send you. You'll stay in cheap hotels that are
pre-booked under that alias "Florida Youth Soccer Tour Group"
credit card that you don't HAVE access to.

The 230 Escudos given to you by OPS will last about 5 hours
after you get scammed by that taxi driver you didn't think
to ask about the rates before getting in!

You'll suddenly remember that you only have your "Tourist" billfold
with you and it has $80 bucks American in it and a $350 limit credit
card which has to last you until the end of next week.

You'll be choking on the city pollution as you try to
find the non-descript office of the overworked chief
of police who's already in the packets of the local
drug lord and will "Pretend" to help you act like
the "fake" drug czar liason you are while you "pretend"
to give a coherent presentation on "Drug Squad Tactics"
that was previously thrust upon you 20 minutes before
your flight left from Ronald Reagan.

Only after you've had a drink with that $310 a month
street beater and given him your brother's used
10 year old Ballistic vest because you feel sorry for
his underpowered, overworked and out-gunned a**,
...only then will you be doing your real job, which is
to take some still photos of some non-descript crates
lying on the docks and the ship they're being loaded on.

After bribing that 12 year harbour urchin, you'll
see if he can get some information on the name
of the ships captain or one of the upper-tier mates
so you can do some digging at the port registry office
to WRITE DOWN the future ports of call and maybe get
some further info from the hooker the 2nd mate is seeing
so you can get the name of the "Real" ship owners
which you will be dutifully writing down in that
coded script that only you and your brother know.

After 4 nights in a hot, sticky room next door to
the fat, ugly dishwasher chick, you'll be in no mood
for "Gettin in On Some Action" at the hot spot bar cuz
you forgot that you only have $60 left and that's
gotta pay for the overpriced taxi back to the airport
where you'll spend another 16 hours in a 18 inch wide
seat designed for a 120 lbs weakling and
not a 220 lbs ex-football star!


posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 06:59 PM
The Skills Required In Order To Be a Real CIA/DIA/NSA/FBI Field Agent


When you get back to Langley and pass off your
Camera Flash Card to IT or SigInt, you'll be hounded
furiously by Hilda in Admin for ALL receipts
and she won't let you leave her floor until
you give each and every one of them to her.

And before you even THINK about going home,
you'll be spending at least an hour and a half writing
an email to HeadSup about the when, where, what and how
of some green coloured crates sitting on a dock in Russia!

In fact, you're gonna be sitting, standing and waiting
around for most of your effing career at NSA/DIA/CIA
field works.

You'll be sitting in the uncomfortable back of that
1993 junker minivan that says Ed & Jims Cable Service
for 12 hours watching a monitor for that wireless camera
pointing at the money changing operation in downtown
Spokane - You'll then spend a few days twiddling
a black knob left & right in a dark room trying to
match some blurry faces to some 5 year old photographs
and cross-checking the plate numbers to see
if Ala-Humbra is the son or cousin of
Sia Motarah and if he actually owns that
Yellow Hummer H2.

BOOOORRRING !!!!! This isn't what I signed up for!

Hell Yeah - That's Right! Someone forgot to tell you
that 98% of your time & energy will be spent looking,
listening, looking, fact-checking and cross-checking
mostly domestic people and affairs.

And you'll be writing or giving reports - Lots of them!!!!!!

Another 1% of the time you'll be spending
at the range firing that 9mm Browning
you're pretty leery of if you ever
get into a "Real" gunfight.
A New H&K? Ha! Ha! Like THAT 'LL ever happen!

On the other final 1%, you "MIGHT" be assisting
local SWAT on a takedown, but you'll be
sitting in their van "Coordinating"
THEIR Bang, Smash and Kneeback operation.

You'll share a few drinks afterwards
but you'll have to remember to fire off
that descriptive SitRep email first!

If you want action this ain't the place to get it!
Frack This! I'm gonna join the Navy Seals!

Go for it...see if you can pass Hell Week
and then spend the next 6 months after that
bobbing about in cold water while listening
to a Mares rep tell you all about the newest
features of that Titanium Regulator that has
a NO BUBBLES off-gassing feature set and then
having Capt. Roaker dig into you for leaving
that piece of lettuce on the beach from
your pig-out kit. Limp Lettuce Means Death Get It !!!!!!!

Gawd I hope I don't sound So Cynical after you've
read all this...but the REALITY IS that for most of the
time and for ONLY A SELECT FEW are EVER going to be
busting heads in Tora Bora or Getting it on with
that hot daughter of the Chinese Consul in Dubai.

Only a teensy, tiny percentage of 1% of the total employees
at the CIA/DIA/NSA is ever gonna do cool
and outrageous things...You might get lucky
if you have certain skill sets, technological
and language literacies or unusual abilities
but otherwise you're mostly gonna be watching
and worrying about the ever-changing state
of your Federal Employees Group Life
Insurance Program benefits while you
mostly Observe, Record and Report
on Boring People, Doing Boring Things
in Boring Places!!!!!!!!!!!

Gawd! Shoot me if ever comes to where
the sweet relief of a retirement pension
ever becomes more important than wanting
to bust a few heads and crank up the heat
on some Colombian shoulder-fired
missile buyer wannabes.

posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 07:48 PM
Im guessing you gotta have family preferably wife and kids, they can kill to keepu in line.

I dont think they like people who want to be in. They probably just recruit geniouses or promote insiders mostly.

Im refering to the interesting jobs

posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 07:49 PM

posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 08:44 PM
reply to post by StargateSG7

And for God's sake don't be long winded...............

posted on Jun, 3 2008 @ 11:05 PM

Originally posted by firegoggles
reply to post by interestedalways

I don't think it's a sellout. I made it clear they keep there NWO religion and I keep my faith.How would one person even if I was recruited as handy how would one person save the rest of you?If it were in my power we would all go underground and live. I certainly don't think myself better than anyone else please don't take it that way for truly I love people. I love my wife too and who doesn't love life? I am an opportunist is all. And I feel I have a strong set of skills.This doesn't make me "better" than the next human being.So please don't try and judge me based on this post.This post obviously has a 2 fold purpose.I think I will refrain from listing my skills since it's taken as "pride" and will simply ask a question.
Thanks for reading though.

[edit on 2-6-2008 by firegoggles]

if you were a real man you would fight to help the people, not join the enemy to live...

posted on Jun, 4 2008 @ 01:19 AM
Quote by firegoggles

It would be my hope that someone even from the powers that be would see my post and consider me worthy to be on the "inside".
Someone like myself should not be allowed to die on the surface with the "masses".I want inoculation for myself and my wife for the coming plague that is meant to wipe out around a third of the human race.

Far be it for me to quote from the Bible but you're post made me think of something.

Mat 8: 11 And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Mat 20:16 So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.

The writer of Matthew asserts that those who come from beyond the assumed boundaries of God’s grace — will first be admitted to the Kingdom of God and those who are certain of their place in the New Kingdom will have none at all.

Just so you see, those of us who feel ourselves worthy usually aren't and who's who know they aren't worthy usually are. Ironic isn't it. Good luck with the whole not dying with the rest of the masses thing. Hope it works out well for you.

[edit on 6/4/08 by WickedStar]

posted on Jun, 5 2008 @ 01:21 PM
I can't believe that anyone is seriously discussing this with the guy who thinks he has a chance of getting into the CIA.

If he is lucky they might just let him into KFC.

posted on Jun, 5 2008 @ 03:03 PM
reply to post by Marsrising

For all you know I have found an open position that requires a 2 year degree in the area of wright patt. For all you know I will return to school and do whatever I set my mind to do. I don't believe in "chance" pal. Nor do I believe in "luck" at all. Everything thing I have set my sights on "doing" or "obtaining" I have. When I wanted to be a black belt I did it. When I wanted to be a sound man, I not only became the top guy at a regional/national sound company, I ran sound for the President of the United States! Everyone can do this. It's how much will you have, how much follow through.
This thread was created wth the real intention of simply "finding out the functions of what they do". Simply for personal interest reasons and to see if it would be interesting. And you know what it does sound interesting and you know what else? It was one of the best reads on here in a while if you ask me! Another thing this thread did and was meant to do is simply say hey guy look at this. I have been given some gifts by the Grace of God and only by his grace. I thought hey if nothing else other people that are talented my respond or may say, "wow I'd like to know something about the field of sound how do I get in"? etc.. But instead we get a bunch of jokers like you making fun? And just what have you accomplish thus far in life sir? humm?Why don't you add something productive?. And frankly the thread was most likely a bad idea just because of people like you that want to come along and just insult, insult , insult. Does it somehow make you feel better or something? I just don't understand what you get out of it, it's a discussion board and I wanted to discuss this it's very fascinating.
As much as I am against the NWO I still want to believe some of our guys are fighting bad guys! They have to be! And to that we owe them honor and a salute. Of course there is corruption knee deep as well we all know that. So.. who are you sir to tell me what I can and can't do? I may not have all that great of a grammar skills like so many of you here are blessed with, but more than likely I have forgot more than you know right now. Or maybe your a rocket scientist ;/ ?. See now you sucked me into the insult game I take it back if it makes you feel so much better go for it, I know "who" and "what" I am.Have a good time with it

Oh and I was saying the SG7 guy that wrote this is either a really gifted writer or had been called upon with the same rigid rules he set forth for us, in the post for himself. He spoke with such conviction and it was a great read to boot! He turned this thread into exactly what I wanted it to be the "information" was given and even more than I bargained. I can tell you this, if this guy really was an agent, I wouldn't f#$k with him lol! And noticed at the end of his rant I didn't have much to say you know why? A guy like that you don't just waste idle words on. If you don't have something worth saying, don't say it. And at that point lol I didn't have sh$t to say lol. I don't want to wear rubber sandals that's for sure! The desk maybe, but no crazy field stuff for me no sir! Incredible read and I thank him for taking the time it was really something.
If you look at my signature there are 2 very important threads there. Maybe you can stand back and "think outside the box" as we are called upon to do all the time on this forum. The subject matter of both those threads is of grave importance to our country and there are others having the same experience as I to confirm. So now that I have had to spoon feed you the understanding now, you can go read those threads and laugh it up all you want.. yep laugh it up buddy, we shall see who gets that last laugh.
. Have a nice day.

posted on Jun, 5 2008 @ 05:14 PM
Firegoggles, first off, don't let those that can't be serious on here distract you. No matter what you post on ATS, there will be a few people that come in and post things trying to put you down or call you names. It's the nature of the beast, and has always, and will always happen on just have to learn to ignore it.

Secondly, I admire your convictions, and agree that if you want to do something bad enough, you can do it. If you put in the effort and the time required, it can be done. I applaud you for that.

As for your other threads that you say are of grave importance to the United states and are very important threads, I beg to differ. Do you know how many people come on here and other boards and say they had a vision, or make a prediction? 100's if not 1000's. Know how many of them come true? MAybe 1%, and that can be attributed to blind luck.

So if someone sais your vision or whatever it was is just garbage, and more of the same, you can't really blame them...."WOLF" has been called too many times for most people to take anything like that seriously.

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