posted on Feb, 13 2007 @ 02:39 PM
Thank you all, I’m overwhelmed by the amount of responses I received. Even if I don’t completely agree with everyone I am grateful for
everyone’s honesty. I’m not completely sure how to respond to four pages of posts but I’ll try my best. I knew this was the right place to
voice my feelings.
Looking back at my first post I still feel as though it barely covers to the beginning of everything I’ve learned and feel. I wish I could’ve
been more specific but I think I could write for days on everything. I was in a bad spot last night, sometimes everything becomes so overwhelming I
can’t hold it back any longer, I needed it get it all out. I know there are others that feel the way I do which makes it all the more maddening.
I’ll admit I’m young, I’m only 24, but my life has been anything but the comforting life of middle class America. I’ve dealt with the worst
in human nature my whole life, I won’t get into everything as I feel that could be a whole thread unto itself. There have been many times when I
didn’t know where my next meal was coming from, when I had to wear the same clothing for weeks. I’ve watched my family members destroy themselves
before my eyes and it continues to this day. My feelings and thoughts do not stem from comfort or a full belly but from the full brute force of
reality like a kick in the face.
Something happened to me a few years ago. My whole life I had been seeking to further my understanding of the world, to expand my knowledge. But one
day I realized everything. Everything in the world is one, we are all one, our separation is only an illusion. We are made of the same substance as
the stars millions of light years away. All the plants, the animals, the rocks and the dirt, all the people of this planet, we’re all the same and
we’re all one. It’s extremely hard for me to find the right words to explain it but it happened all at once. It was as if someone turned the
lights on and I saw everything for the first time.
Ever since that night I understood all the feelings I had been having my entire life. I understood why I felt so different and felt as if everything
was wrong. But ever since that night I’ve never been able to go back. I can’t, in good conscience, “take the blue pill”. The thing is, I
don’t think it’s just my perception, I think I’m just seeing things clearly. I don’t feel as though it’s just that I have a bleak out look
on life and need to change my point of view. I do look on the good, I am eternally grateful for every blessing I receive. Every meal I have, every
piece of clothing, every night I sleep in a warm bed I remember the times when I didn’t have all that. I remember sleeping on the stairwells,
eating from the dumpsters, trying to mend holes in my clothing.
I love the idea of getting away from everything. I would love to have a nice little cabin in the woods, a loyal dog, a rifle to hunt my food with, a
fire to warm my self by and the beauty of the stars at night. There were times when I would wander through the woods alone and just listen to the
planet. The woods talked to me in their language, they told me of the ages they had seen and of the secrets of the natural order. I’ve seen the
supreme beauty in the perfect design that is this existence. Everything has a place and a use, everything is there to add to the whole. I want to be
part of that perfect design again.
Survival is all that truly matters. All that is around me is a lie, it’s an illusion, it’s like a ride at Disney world. Here, in New York, I’m
in the center of all that is fake. Even the trees and the park are not natural, there are many here who have never watched a sunset. There was a
time when I never missed a sunset, every night I rejoiced in the true communion of all existence, I was inspired by the beauty of the Earth as a
whole. I felt cleansed by a day of hard work, work that had a true reward. When I built something, it was because there was a need for it. I took
care of animals that were needed, not wasted on profit margins. I tended fields that fed me and those around me and at the end of the day I was
rewarded by the symphony of perfection personified in the sun setting gently into the valley. That is what I want from life.
Money, power, sex, none of it means anything to me. I find it near impossible to motivate myself in my career. I’m an artist, I’ve always been
an artist, I grew up among the works of the masters. Art makes me feel as if I do matter, that I can take something that is inside me and give it
life, make it real and share it with others. But for the past year or more I can’t find the inspiration, I can’t see a point in spending days on
a piece of work that influences no one and doesn’t help me to advance. I do graphic design for a living, if you can call it a living, and I’ve
managed, somehow, to achieve goals I had as a child. I’ve had my work published, my work has been sent across the sea and appreciated by people I
will never meet. My work has effected companies. As much as I should be proud of these accomplishments I can’t seem to find any fulfillment in
them. I have the gift and talent to make my voice heard, but I no longer see what good it does.
I’ve studied the religions of the world and attended services in most. I have a great respect and feel I have a deep understanding of the Buddhist
principals but I have trouble putting them all into action in my life. I try and follow the teachings of people like Buddha and Christ but they no
longer apply to the world around me. I feel like the only way I can truly live these lessons is on my own, amongst nature, living a real life. There
were times when I was progressing spiritually, enacting the lessons in my everyday life, I tried to reach out to others and teach them the joy I felt,
but I was ridiculed. People thought I was “creepy” or possibly “insane”
I feel trapped in this world, persecuted and oppressed by that which people dream to have. The city is so insane. There’re millions of people,
crowded into the same spot, fighting and struggling with each other to achieve useless abundance, hiding in their honeycombed apartments. I don’t
understand these people. I get in an elevator with someone, we’re in a box that’s five feet by five feet, and the proper etiquette is to pretend
like the other person isn’t there. It drives me mad.
I feel like I’m losing my mind, sometimes I get deep into a pit of fear and despair that maybe I am actually insane. In times of greater clarity I
realize that I’m the only sane person, that everyone else is mad and they seek to drive me insane to legitimize their madness. I know I sound
suicidal, and maybe by some definitions I am, but I can’t go on living in this world of hatred, deceit and waste. I look towards the future and see
more of the same, more sorrow, more suffering, more death and destruction. I watch the world consume those I love, my mother was consumed by it, my
brother is being poisoned by it, and my father is so lost in it I can’t bring him out. I need to get out, I need to get away from all this. I need
to live life as we as a species are meant to. I don’t want to go on in this would. I have no desire for anything “society” has to offer.
There’re no mysteries for me in this “life”, no illusions, I’ve seen too much, learned too much about life and how the world treats the
helpless individual to take any joy in the worldly things.
I need to find a solution, even if it doesn’t solve everything. I’ve reached a point in my life where it’s quite clear that I need to take
action. I don’t need an academic solution, or a philosophical one. I need a life changing real solution of action and that is why I came here for
advice. I trust many people in this community even if I don’t know them personally. I don’t need a new job, or a new relationship or a new
apartment, I need a new existence. I need to be part of something real, I can’t take this