posted on Feb, 12 2007 @ 08:08 PM
I can’t take it anymore, I need to get this off my chest and I don’t think people will understand me anywhere else. The more I research
everything, the more I read and the more I learn, the less I can believe in anything. I had so many theories, so many ideas on how the world works.
I had beliefs about politics, religion, humanity, everything. I had a thirst for knowledge, I have an inherent need to learn more, to know everything
I can. I try to base everything I believe and all the ideas I follow off of knowledge and not ignorance. I’ve eaten from the Tree of Knowledge and
I can never go back to the blissful dreamlike ignorance enjoyed by the rest of the world.
I thought education would teach me the answers I hoped to find. I thought I would expand my knowledge of the world and be able to change it for the
better. But even from a young age I realized I was being fed politically corrected tripe. All the history I was taught was a lie, the ethics I was
taught were just wishful thinking. The future I was promised was a fantasy.
I was recently baptized, I finally joined a church after years of individual spirituality that was generally Christian based. I thought I should
study the Bible and increase my knowledge of my new found religion, I thought it would bring me closer to God. However, the more I studied the more I
realized the church taught lies. I realized their dogma and traditional doctrines were not based off the Bible at all but politics and carefully
administered ignorance on the part of the followers. Now I can’t help but deny the singularity of the Trinity, a fundamental Christian belief.
There is no way I can accept the one baptism spoken of in the Nicene Creed. I thought I would find comfort and possibly salvation in religion and all
I found was more darkness and deceit.
I once understood my stance on politics, I was a die hard patriotic American. I loved the country my family had helped build. I defended the country
my fore fathers had spilt their blood for. But the more I read, the more I learned and understood about what really goes on, the less I can believe
in what I previously believed in. The more I know, the more I feel as though my fore fathers suffered and killed for nothing, they were deceived and
fought the wrong enemy.
I thought there was good in people. I thought that deep down inside everyone was good, they wanted peace and love for the human species. I was
wrong. Deep down inside, everyone is motivated by hatred, greed and fear. From the playground to the grave we are scratching and gnawing at each
other like rats, trampling over those around us to get ahead. We see innocence and lust for it’s corruption. We instill hatred and fear in our
children and then exploit them whenever possible. We throw our parents into homes and await their death to claim their possessions as our own. The
exploitation of weakness is the greatest rule of mankind.
I once thought that good people shine like stars in the darkness of hatred and corruption that is life on this God forsaken planet. The more I
embraced these good people, the more I sought to learn from them, the more I realized they are ignorant and self deluded, always striving to protect
their delicate hold on reality. The more I tried to do good, to help others, the more I was taken advantage of and the worse my life got.
I thought that if I worked hard, was honest and minded my own business I would get ahead. People sought to get one over on me every chance they got.
I thought that your position in life and the money you were paid was based on your talent and knowledge but everyone I have worked for has been
completely incompetent and foolish. I thought I could save my money and make a nice life for myself but I learned that the true purpose of money was
to keep us all in servitude to the elite few.
I thought our leaders were our leaders because they represented our desires, because they were qualified to lead. Nothing can be farther from the
truth. All our leaders, from our teachers to our president are fools who lord their power over us and keep us in ignorant darkness to secure their
position of power.
I had once thought that we, as a species, would overcome our hatred and violence. That one day we would unite together in peace and leave this planet
to do good in unity with the rest of the species in our universe. I was wrong. Humans are a brutal, sadistic, warlike race of conquerors and the
universe would be better off without us. We do nothing but kill and destroy. We trample on the weak and poison the planet all in the name of
progress. We will unite, one day, under an iron fist of control and venture forth into the darkness of space to conquer, kill and poison.
The world is a dark, brutal place completely lacking in love and compassion. We love only violence, power and money. We spit on the poor, sick and
helpless. We idolize the greedy and insane. We seek to emulate only the worst of human traits and reward those that are best at it. We fear
anything that is different and seek it’s destruction. Kind words of love and compassion warm our hearts but vicious words of hatred and violence
move us to action.
I can no longer believe in anything. All my endeavors, everything I have done in my life is completely futile. We are nothing in the macrocosm, an
individual human can have no impact on the reality around them. We struggle, fight and strive for something better but in the end all we have to show
for it is a stone with our name on it placed over our rotting corpse. The greatest hindrance to mankind is man itself. From the time that man
learned to make and use tools we have been using it to crush the skull of our neighbor.
I don’t know what to do anymore, everything I have thought or believed in was a lie. Any place I hope to find answers proves to yield nothing but
darkness and deceit. Every word of encouragement or hope has been hollow and without foundation. Everyday I look for something to prove that I’m
wrong and everyday these feelings are strengthened. Everywhere I turn I’m reminded that I was wrong all along and was foolish to believe the way I
had. The world I live in is one of eternal emotional winter and solitude and all I can do is await Ragnarok and hope for freedom.
I’m posting this here because I don’t know who else to talk to anymore. This community is the only one that will understand the way I see the
world and if there is someone with the honesty and brain power to prove to me that I’m wrong I will find them here. This is the only place I can
find people not blinded by the dogma and superstition of this planet. I would give almost anything to dwell in the ignorance and self delusion of
those I see around me but I know I can never go back. Where do you turn when you’ve lost your faith in everything, when you’ve become almost
completely nihilistic? What do you do when there’s no reason to try and live and succeed in this world anymore? When you feel as though everything
you do is in vain and there is no hope in changing this world? What am I supposed to do when all I want is to burn it all to the ground?
I had to get that all off my chest, I had to know someone knew how I truly felt about everything. If I try and talk to friends or family I only
succeed in depressing them. Please feel free to share your thoughts with me, I won’t criticize any viewpoint but I will speak my mind. I just
don’t know what to do anymore.