Joke of the day...

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"OK! OK!", the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, # mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops...."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be #ing Coco Pops...."

Old one but still funny.

Here's mine.

What type of bee do you get milk from?
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Boobees.

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a Veterinary Clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. Returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in surprise, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The Vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed, and ran out of the room. The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....it's $150.00."

In West Virginia, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that #e.

3 laughs i got... woohoo.. i did like netchickens the best sorry other members i just thought it was the best!!

i laughed at all of them, well i didnt laugh out loud but i found them funny...

Ahahaha, I like Netchickens........

While were on old jokes, heres one:

Three nuns die and reach the Pearly Gates. Before the nuns are allowed into Heaven, they must answer a question each. The first nun is asked "What was the first place of man?". "Eden" she replied. "Correct, go on through." The second nun is asked "Who were the first humans on Earth?". "Adam and Eve" she replies. "Correct, you may go through". Up steps the third nun. She is asked "What is the first thing Eve said to Adam?". The third nun had no idea, and said "Oh, thats a hard one". "Correct, you may go through".

hahaha, teflons is the best sorry everybody else.. thats hillarious... i didnt expect it... bravo!

LOL! All jokes are good, but Teflon, dude.... LMAO!!! very funny!

A very old blonde joke, please don't hit me ladies ...

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things....

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Clap-Clap Mr.Eisenhower, that was a classic

Another oldie......I can't remember how it goes but I think I remember the gist of it:

A man walks into a bar. He is on his own, except for the Bartender, who is holding a Golden bottle of beer. Curious, the man enquires about the bottle. "What's that then?" he says. "It's a magic beer - it gives you three wishes." "Great! Give me ago!" Says the man. "Wait. There is a catch," says the barman "The genie of the bottle is a bit pissed, what with floating around in beer all day, so make sure you are clear when you tell him what you want." Not caring too much, the man snatches the bottle and rubs it. Out pops the genie, and asks the man what he would like. "For my first wish, I would like a million dollars". In a flash, a sack full of money appears by the mans side. "Fantastic! For my second wish, I would like a beautiful woman." Poof! A very nice lady appears on the stool next to the man, and starts rubbing his leg. The man is ecstatic, and quickly blurts out his third wish "I want a 12 inch penis". In the corner of the room there is a flash, and all of a sudden Dudley Moore is sat in the corner playing a Piano......


Okay, long winded......I hope enough of you get the joke though

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!

Genius, TRD, pure genius

The first 5 were funny, then it started going downhill. But I still want to know, what is a loser?

According to my pastor, a loser is;

A woodpecker in a petrified forest.

A man who sticks his hand out the window to make a left hand turn and smacks a policeman.

Very good TRD

Right I got two more jokes then I'm going to get some sleep.

1. Little Tom was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,

"What are you up to there, Tom?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tom tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tom patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your #ing cat.


And the second one:

".A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 penny."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four pennies," he replies.

"Four pennies?!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Little rascal Johnny was always falling asleep in his "religion" classes, so the "Religion" teacher decided to take extreme measures. She told the kid that sat behind him to poke Johnny in the back with a pencil every time Johnny fell asleep. So the class began. After 10 minutes of discussion, the teacher saw Johnny was falling asleep, so she asked him:

"Johnny, who created our Planet?"

The kid quickly poked him, and Johnny screamed: "GOD!!!"

"Very good, Johnny." The class went on and Johnny was falling asleep again. The teacher asked him:

"Who is God's son and our Savior?"

The kid poked him a little harder, and Johnny screamed: "JESUS CHRIST!!!"

"Very good, Johnny." After a while, Johnny was falling asleep, and the teacher asked him:

"Johnny, what did Eve said to Adan when God expelled them from the Garden?"

The kid behind him poked him REALLY hard, Johnny shouting: "Dammit, if you stick me with that thing of yours one more time, I SWEAR TO GOD I'll stick it up your #ING ASS!"