Help me I am in Hell

originally posted by: ketsuko

originally posted by: Lumenari

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Nyiah

Am I the only in the thread reading this person saying that they are experiencing rage and suicidal thoughts that are both new and sometimes difficult to control?

No, I read it and had them too.

It is the result of never being pain-free and never being able to sleep.

It needs to get fixed.

It's not just that. It sounds like his new job has exacerbated his pain to new levels and then, yeah, you're right.

Believe me, I'm familiar with what chronic pain does. When I pinch the nerve that goes through my left shoulder and it won't stop aching for months, I can wake up in the morning and think, "I've got this. It's not that bad." But by the time I've gone through the day, my temper is shorter than Tom Cruise.

I get that.

I have been through several levels of hell in my life... some self-afflicted, others dealing with life.

The worst dark place I have ever been in my life was the chronic pain thing.

It turns you into someone else. It's harder to deal with than anything else.

His new job is exacerbating an existing problem.

It needs fixed now, because if he waits and has to deal with the aftermath it is going to be horrible, in my opinion.

I was homeless at one time in my life as a vet. I lived through that and I considered that a hard road. However...

Being in a place where you are broken and have to have your spouse take care of you puts you in a place where you think it is better off if you just were not part of the equation anymore.

When I had just gotten off my walker and could walk, I went to the store to buy some groceries because I was feeling happier about being able to cook. There were two women in front of me in line and they were talking. One asked the other about her husband and what happened. She said that he had injured himself so badly that he couldn't work anymore. The friend asked... then what did you do? The other said " I had to divorce him. He wasn't useful anymore." It was a matter of course answer. It was what anyone would do.

Now, that may just be two shallow people having a chat, but it hit me. I was crippled and could not work and my wife was the only thing keeping things going. Because she believed in me.

It made me feel that my wife might be better off if I wasn't in the picture. She could do better.

That's where suicide thoughts come from sometimes... when you are in a bad place and want to do the responsible thing for someone you love.

I worked out of that. But it was terrible... I am a REALLY self-sufficient person. It was hard.

I feel the poster might be feeling the same thoughts and just want to tell him to fix it NOW because not doing so may possibly put him on a road I wouldn't wish on anyone.

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Silcone Synapse
Are you seeking attention?

forgive me if i gave you that impression but,
i am not doing that.
i dislike attention.
i am merely asking for advice from the mostly helpful community of ATS in my hour of need.
thank you.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

You're getting a lot of good advice here in the thread.

If you are seriously thinking about "slaughtering" your co-workers to cause "mass extinctions" at the factory, and if you are seriously thinking several times a day of killing yourself, then face up to it: this pain OWNS you and it's steering the wheels off the road.

Best luck.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

Whoa... OK. 1St... If you get hurt now on the the job and your undisclosed medical history shows up.... Most likely you'll lose the job and no insurance or unemployment will want to cover you because you failed to
disclose upon being hired.

Financially, you'll be injured, prob lose job, stuck w medical and won't qualify for benefits 'cause you lied ..or at least didn't divulge a medical condition/history.

You might be lucky... But I cart guys like you to the ER everyday. Try to stay healthy and find another job.. ASAP... before this happens...

Good luck....
MS
EMT/ERT
Advanced Life Support

originally posted by: Silcone Synapse

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Silcone Synapse
Are you seeking attention?

forgive me if i gave you that impression but,
i am not doing that.
i dislike attention.
i am merely asking for advice from the mostly helpful community of ATS in my hour of need.
thank you.

I have a better idea then seeking advice from a conspiracy forum:

Go to the ER , let professionals help you start to fix the problems you are dealing with.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

YOU POOR DEAR.

Sorry, not much sympathy here. You knew what you were getting into before you took the job. You lied to your employer which puts you and them into legal jeopardy. And you choose not to follow doctors orders or tell your family about the severity of the problem. And you are paying (and perhaps lots of others - the temper thingy not to mentiion the lying) the price for your decisions.

You are no good to nobody if you don't respect your limitations.

Go to a pain management specialist (yes yoga does wonders for chronic pain - however it doesn't fix mechanics).

Heavy Drugs may be necessary - don't operate heavy machinery.

The job has got to go.

Do drug seek.

Ask for help at home, from friends, doctors and find work that won't kill you1

originally posted by: Silcone Synapse
Thank you everyone.
I am worried that one wrong move will incapacitate me,a sneeze a wrong turn anything like that couold do it.

I have tried many things:

Chiropractors,different kinds.
Massages,many.
Bowen.
Kung fu.
Qi gong,
Meditation,differnet kinds.
Sound therapy,ultra,infra,etc.
Even ahem,ladies of the night before marriage and with the neccesary protection.
Some things help but not enough to stop the negative thoughts i am now getting.

Anti depressents I have ruled out,due to the increased suicidal tendencies as described on the packets and from what I have seen happen to other users,some my friends.

Illegal recreational drugs are out,as even mary J would fog my head in my job,and foggy head may result in loss of hands/limbs/eyesight.

My wife helps me more than anything just because I want to be a good person for her.
My attitude is always to try to maintain a non violent (unless cornered) persona.
i wish to maintain my clean sheet in terms of zero criminal record,but my pain level scares me and sometimes others.
I am on my 43rd spin round our local star,and I believe in peace.To maintain that is very important to me.

I REFUSE.I am one stubborn MOFO

And - you REFUSE to ask for help. Pride man - pride.

And fear.

The chances are that you will never be like you were before and will have to 'compromise' your 'stubbornness' in some fashion if you want a productive live of some sort.

Face your fears - talk to them - invite them in and then ACT.

Think of it and practise it as a form of meditation. It helped me a lot in similar though different circumstances.

Meditate on the fear, the pain invite them in to join the family - stop fighting them.

A good book if you are a reader is "When the Body says No" by Canadian Doctor Gabor Mate.

Let your wife read this thread so she can see what's going on with you. She needs to know, and will help and support you if she knows. It's unfair to her for you to conceal these things. If she were in this shape, would you want her to keep it from you? Or would you want to help her?

It works both ways.

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Silcone Synapse

You're getting a lot of good advice here in the thread.

If you are seriously thinking about "slaughtering" your co-workers to cause "mass extinctions" at the factory, and if you are seriously thinking several times a day of killing yourself, then face up to it: this pain OWNS you and it's steering the wheels off the road.

Best luck.

Thank you,this is exactly why I was asking for help.
This is not my ususal way of thinking.
It is scary to me.
I totally do not want to think like this.
I am and wish to remain a peaceful person.
I can see that pain is dictating my thoughts,which is very scary-You can believe you are a good person,but when confronted with such a trauma if your otherwise peaceful demeanor is altered,then it becomes very scary.

I am going to talk to my doctor at the next possible chance-
That will probably be in a few weeks knowing the system here so i will have to try my best to cope until then.

I shall try my best to remain peaceful until then.
And I really dont want to hurt anyone,i know its just my mind being bombarded by pain signals.

Thank you to most of you who have replied,I think it has helped me even if I may have seemed negative.
To remain calm,and think carefully when under pressure is the key.
Even when I have bad thoughts,at least I am recognising them as problematic and not acting upon them.
That must be a good thing.
thank you everyone.

originally posted by: angeldoll
Let your wife read this thread so she can see what's going on with you. She needs to know, and will help and support you if she knows. It's unfair to her for you to conceal these things. If she were in this shape, would you want her to keep it from you? Or would you want to help her?

It works both ways.

My wife knows,and is very helpful.
She is the reason I breathe.
But I hate tellng her negative things,I want to be strong and positive for her.
I hide these bad thoughts only from my parents and bro and sis,but only not to worry them.

Thank you Angeldoll,you give me good advice.
It is very much appreciated.

originally posted by: Chickensalad
I guess I'm not really sure what you're asking for with this thread, as you've shot down pretty much every idea given to you.

You know what you need to do OP. Do it, or don't. The choice is yours. Nobody here is going to convince you to do anything you don't want to do. Might be that stubbornness.

Bears repeating.

originally posted by: Lumenari

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Nyiah

Am I the only in the thread reading this person saying that they are experiencing rage and suicidal thoughts that are both new and sometimes difficult to control?

No, I read it and had them too.

It is the result of never being pain-free and never being able to sleep.

It needs to get fixed.

What if it is not 'fixable'?

Many things aren't.

originally posted by: Silcone Synapse

originally posted by: incoserv
Step one ... Come clean with the people closest to you.

You say - if I understand correctly - that you've not confided your physical pain issues to your wife. DO IT!

If she's worthy of the love and commitment you profess, she'll understand, support you and help you figure out a path forward together that won't kill you or make you mad.

If she won't do that, she's not worthy of that level of commitment from you.

This love and marriage thing, it's a two way street. They "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" part, I warrant you both said it.

:

My wife I have told,she is totally supportive,if not totally understanding-no one can be without experiencing the same thing.
Its my Parents and siblings I have hidden it from,just so I dont cause them stress by worrying about me.
Its not for them to worry about,I can cope with the worry without goving them extra stress.
Thank you for your words of advice.

Don't you 'think' it might just be stressful on them to know something is going on with you and not know what it is?

Trust me, or not, they know something is up.

originally posted by: FyreByrd

originally posted by: Silcone Synapse
Thank you everyone.
I am worried that one wrong move will incapacitate me,a sneeze a wrong turn anything like that couold do it.

I have tried many things:

Chiropractors,different kinds.
Massages,many.
Bowen.
Kung fu.
Qi gong,
Meditation,differnet kinds.
Sound therapy,ultra,infra,etc.
Even ahem,ladies of the night before marriage and with the neccesary protection.
Some things help but not enough to stop the negative thoughts i am now getting.

Anti depressents I have ruled out,due to the increased suicidal tendencies as described on the packets and from what I have seen happen to other users,some my friends.

Illegal recreational drugs are out,as even mary J would fog my head in my job,and foggy head may result in loss of hands/limbs/eyesight.

My wife helps me more than anything just because I want to be a good person for her.
My attitude is always to try to maintain a non violent (unless cornered) persona.
i wish to maintain my clean sheet in terms of zero criminal record,but my pain level scares me and sometimes others.
I am on my 43rd spin round our local star,and I believe in peace.To maintain that is very important to me.

I REFUSE.I am one stubborn MOFO

And - you REFUSE to ask for help. Pride man - pride.

And fear.

The chances are that you will never be like you were before and will have to 'compromise' your 'stubbornness' in some fashion if you want a productive live of some sort.

Face your fears - talk to them - invite them in and then ACT.

Think of it and practise it as a form of meditation. It helped me a lot in similar though different circumstances.

Meditate on the fear, the pain invite them in to join the family - stop fighting them.

A good book if you are a reader is "When the Body says No" by Canadian Doctor Gabor Mate.

Yeah I think you nailed it-not so much fear really,but pride-Im not really scared of much outside my own mind,but the way I present myself to my family is the thing,so that is a pride issue I guess.
Thank you for solid advice and pointing that out to me.
It means alot you know,even though i dont know you you have helped me with those words.
Thank you.
I mean that.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

Oh I'm as stubborn as a mule , unfortunately though masking the problem is all I have at the moment. I'm a fighter though so I will make it work.

originally posted by: Silcone Synapse

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Silcone Synapse

You're getting a lot of good advice here in the thread.

If you are seriously thinking about "slaughtering" your co-workers to cause "mass extinctions" at the factory, and if you are seriously thinking several times a day of killing yourself, then face up to it: this pain OWNS you and it's steering the wheels off the road.

Best luck.

Thank you,this is exactly why I was asking for help.
This is not my ususal way of thinking.
It is scary to me.
I totally do not want to think like this.
I am and wish to remain a peaceful person.
I can see that pain is dictating my thoughts,which is very scary-You can believe you are a good person,but when confronted with such a trauma if your otherwise peaceful demeanor is altered,then it becomes very scary.

I am going to talk to my doctor at the next possible chance-
That will probably be in a few weeks knowing the system here so i will have to try my best to cope until then.

I shall try my best to remain peaceful until then.
And I really dont want to hurt anyone,i know its just my mind being bombarded by pain signals.

Thank you to most of you who have replied,I think it has helped me even if I may have seemed negative.
To remain calm,and think carefully when under pressure is the key.
Even when I have bad thoughts,at least I am recognising them as problematic and not acting upon them.
That must be a good thing.
thank you everyone.

PRPCRASTINATION - another character flaw.

Do you really believe it will get better? Magically it will get better.

Go to an ER is necessary - don't sit around 'hoping' it will get better do something about it. Please.

originally posted by: FyreByrd

originally posted by: Lumenari

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Nyiah

Am I the only in the thread reading this person saying that they are experiencing rage and suicidal thoughts that are both new and sometimes difficult to control?

No, I read it and had them too.

It is the result of never being pain-free and never being able to sleep.

It needs to get fixed.

What if it is not 'fixable'?

Many things aren't.

That is the truth.
I am not fixable I know that.

Normal?No chance.
Truly happy?only when I look into my wifes eyes and see that she is happy.

Never pain free,check.
Never a good nights sleep check that too.For decades.

But I still strive to maintain a level of decency and will help anyone who needs it even if i am in the gutter.

To live is to suffer,but if that is the price to experience the universe then it is worth it I think.

Jezus dude, you need to have xrays and an mri done to see what kind of damage you are dealing with asap. Like NOW. please do not wait- as others have mentioned you can be paralyzed in one simple move. Please do not risk your health any further!

a reply to: Silcone Synapse
Do not underestimate the power of targeted stretching. Think extreme yoga on a rampage. You got to stretch at angles not thought possible to really get those trou ble spots in the lower back. However, I will testify to the effectiveness of acupuncture for related stress spots.

Your making decent money from what I gather. Acupuncture is not expensive. Give it a shot.

originally posted by: Subaeruginosa

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Subaeruginosa

Are you trolling? This is awful advice.

Your right... He should just quit his job now, then live the rest of his life on disability.

Is that better advise?

I'm in the minority that agrees with you.

We all ache and hurt from work everyday. It's not a bloody vacation! It's supposed to be miserable.

OP knew or shoulda known what they were in for--knowing you have an injury, shouldn't accept a job that will aggravate it all day.

I sympathize, I really do.

I just hope OP can find a line of work more suited to their injury.