posted on Aug, 4 2018 @ 05:45 PM
My new job is killing me-
Its in a noisy filthy metal manufacturing factory full of danger and machines trying to kill me,but that is not the problem.
My problem is my long standing back injury which i didnt tell the company about or I would not have got the job.
Years ago I had a fall which caused 10 years of the worst case of sciatica.
I didnt take up the doctors adivce to have an operation,because it was 50/50 if it would make me better or worse.
As I couldnt imagine anything worse I opted for exercises and yoga instead of the operation-I had managed to snap two transverse processes of two of
the lower spinal bits near to my pelvis.
Permenant nerve damage,pain and a horror of a temper ensued.
I never told my family because I didnt want them to worry,but my back is basically somthing which rhymes with "potally pucked ."
However,I have managed to fight back to some kind of normality through excersises,yoga,kung fu training and the stubborness of a million mules which I
was luckily blessed with.
So I am used to dealing with serious sheet.
But the pain has come back with a vengence-body goes into shock,I know this because I start vibing like a phone and vomiting follows.
I hide in the toliet and puke every few hours like a freaking anorexic.It does not make me better,its a reflex thing.
This job is killing me,constant lifting of +30-45kg burning hot metal,lots of back twisting and shoulder and neck muscle use for 8 hours a
day,starting at 4 am.
Holy crap,its turning me into a nasty person.
I strive to be good,I want to help people but this job is making me into a monster-
I have never before considered suicide,but now the idea comes to me more than a few times a day.
I wont do it because my wife would hate me,and I love her more than anything,but still the thoughts have popped into my head,which is bloody scary.
I am usually a peace loving person but I have already nearly killed my boss when he blamed me for a mistake I made-due to not being taught how to use
a certain machine.
Boss(steroid using body builder) freaked on me,and my reply made him scurry away and hide like a little beeotch.
He later came back and grovellingly apologised to me and said he should not have told me off..he was scared of me.For good reason I think.
Its not the size of the dog in the fight...
I have already scared a few other dudes who are massive guys-I am a skinny guy optimised for high altitutude Himalayan walks.
3weeks 10 hours a day with 20 kg back pack up to 5000meteres above sea level? Zero problems for me.I am made for that.
I have seen bigger guys than me pass out or collapse with altitude sickness,and helped load them onto helicopters while feeling fine..
But this job?
Holy crap I am literally dreaming of finding Russian PPsh guns and causing mass extinctions in my factory...Even though most of the guys are decent
gents,in my dreams I am doing them a favor by slaughtering them.
I totally know this is wrong and I would never wish to harm anyone,but WTF,something is wrong in my head.
I am a peace loving vegetarian nature lover with buddhist sympathies who only works to support my wife-I would be happy living in a tent but I want
the best for my wife so I cannot leave my job.I love her with all of my heart and more.
So any ideas?
Apart from a different job-I have to stay here at the moment,but I want to reclaim my lifelong record of trying to be a decent person,without scaring
I have never had a parking ticket,never been in trouble with the law but this job...by all that is holy,its turning me into a demon.
I need some tips or advice on how to remain non violent.
Please Brothers and Sisters of ATS,answer my call.
Its an emergency.
Thank you all in advance,for reading and for any replies and suggestions.