I'm 35 years old, and the 3 days that changed my life.
Oct 17th 2016 I went for open heart surgery to fix a dilated aorta with valve sparring as the dilation was directly above the valve. The surgeon, is
regarded as the best in Canada at aortic surgery, I was very pleased to have him. The surgeon was happy throughout the entire surgery, everything was
normal, and after 4 hours of fixing the dilated aorta and saving my valve the job came to introduce blood back into my heart, make sure it was all
functioning as it should, and sow me up. Then it happened. my left side decided it was not going to start contracting. There was no reason for it, so
after 3 hours of trying to get my left ventricular operational, the surgeon decided to put me in ICU and wait the following day to see what the
The next day, he decided to attempt a triple bypass in the attempt to get blood flowing through it, and to possibly get it beating and contracting.
Still it did not start. So back to ICU I went. The next day, he sent my file to over 100 CV surgeons, across the country, and within the hospitals,
and none of them had any idea what had happened after reading the surgical report. I was an anomaly, they had no reason, explanation, or idea why my
left side failed, and continued to do so. The LVAD team in the hospital offered to implant an LVAD. However, it was a gamble because LVADS aren't used
to do 100% of the work. usually LVAD patients have some kind of output in the left side. mine would be doing 100% of the work. They could not
guarantee this would work, if it didn't, I wouldn't leave the operating table. It was simply, this either works, or he passes.
It worked, and I was put in ICU..... my body couldn't cope and I went into a 2.5 month propafol coma. The delirium was so bad, I now have PTSD and
often question if this is real or if I'm back in ICU still. The delirium I experienced messed my mind up.
Once I came out of it, I went up to recovery, where I spent a month before I went home...although I wasn't and still don't remain the same person.
everyday this LVAD works is a miracle, and I have been told it could fail me at any moment. I'm in and out the hospital, currently in; was admitted
I carry a controller around with me which tells me the rotations of the pump and blood flow....
I had so many hopes, and dreams for this life. I always thought I'd do something amazing, I don't know why, but I did. I always imagined myself as
someone who one day would do something great, when in fact, I have done nothing and achieved nothing and now...I am where I am. waiting for a heart,
or death. even with a heart, ill be a 35 year old heart transplant patient who likely wont make 50.
I have no meaning...my mind and sanity has been brutalized by the delirium in ICU, my body is tired, so tired, i just want the end to come. Its funny,
how life turns out. I don't want this anymore...I want my normal life back. I want to be normal...but the fact is, i'm going to die, I know I wont
make transplant..i feel it...my mind has given up, but my body hasn't.
I just want to scream...but instead I just breakdown.
For all the mistakes I made...i regret...
thank you for letting me rant.
edit on 28-9-2017 by Ghostsinthefog because: added