just need to vent on my unknown condition

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

I was hoping you be in the Vancouver area, I would of liked to meet up.
I know you're tired but don't give up, also don't think you are a burden to your fiance, when you love someone, you fight together.
You have touched the lives of some people here.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

I'm blown away.

I can just look at your Xray and tell how ripped up you are mentally and emotionally and Spiritually.
You're devastated.

Need to dry my eyes...what a powerful experience to witness you in your plight....so overwhelming.

I love you so much, my Heart is definitely forever yours.
Goodnight Ghosts

Well-
I think you have a ton of people rooting for you and I'm sorry your in the ICU again,
I just want you to give your everything, even if it means there's no change. Have hope-
the people on here may be divided in terms of politics but every one of us will do whatever
it takes to help you. Be it through a positive posting, a visit or through any form of help we can give.
I don't know you but I'd like to and I'm pretty sure others on this site want to as well.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

Oh, one last thing then goodnight...

If she ain't leaving you than you need to follow through, marry her, and have that crazy wild romance now.
This is your chance. Love her with everything you got!! Make sure that woman thinks you've got the best Heart of all of us! Do not delay, tell her everyday and don't forget to play and have fun k?

Alright ttyl,
Nite

@CramItClown Im glad you signed up! I’m so glad your dad won his battle, he sounds like an incredible guy, and a good fighter. I hate the idea of putting my burdens on others. I already feel like a burden to my girl, and the hospital; they should be focused on someone who isnt...in this state.

@Onlyyouknow Thank you for your kind words. That would be hard for me to do. I died twice during my surgery and in ICU, and I felt, and witnessed, nothing, pure, nothingness.

@muzzleflash yes, its true I dont have a pulse. My Aortic valve is stitched open, so therefore no pulse is created. So I have no blood pressure, I have a MAP (Mean Arterial Pressure)

@vonclod Thank you, but I have felt like a burden since this happened, on her, my folks, the health department and resources, the psychiatrist I now see... I just see myself as a strain on everyone.

But I must sleep, its 1am and my nurse is getting pissy because I'm not sleeping...as usual

Goodnight,
We will check in tommorow.

oh, for those interested in the equipment side.

On the xray you see a wire coming from the pump out to the side. that is the drive line, the power line from controller to pump. It comes out my rib cage (see pic) and into my controller (see pic)

So my pump is running at 3100 RPM and pumping 5.6Litres of blood a minute and using 6.2 watts of power.

The reason Im in the hospital right now is due to low flow alarms where my blood flow drops to around 2.1Litres a minute

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

This world is beautiful, don't give up. Stay on this rock (earth) for as long as you can. Think positively and f$&k the voice telling you it is time, it is not.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog


I pray that you get a transplant. I pray that you will do something amazing, and remaining optimistic through this would certainly qualify.

God might use this to perform a healing wonder for you even if your left side doesn't spark up again.

Hang in there, and don't be afraid, you're not alone in this.

Blessed are you for sharing your situation, that's a type of prayer.

Try to focus on the positive, and on what's possible.

Somehow, everything will be ok.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. My delima is in the brain and happened in the same month as your experience. I really hope you feel better and get your heart transplant. With me nothing is the same anymore. I want to go back to work but my boss won't let me because she thinks I will have a relapse of a ruptured brain aneryrusm.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

Haven't you gotten it yet? Your girl is there, we are there too! My dad became pissed off and maybe that's what brought him through, besides luck and those around him. He's still here and will probably out live us all. You too can do the same, even if they tell you there's no hope left or there's nothing left they can do. I consider that BS, they said the same crap to my dad- he only had weeks left to live and he pulled through with luck and a partial donor for his left ventricle at the last minute but I believe he would have still made it without it because he was pissed about leaving his family behind. Get pissed, take comfort in your family and friends, and realize there's still much more for you to do! Sorry if this came off the wrong way but I believe we can fight for what matters, even if the odds are stacked against ups.

Thank you for posting and sharing your personal story. Your sharing and my own mother being in the hospital now the past 2 weeks are teaching me about how fragile our lives are and how everything can change in the blink of an eye. I will include you in my prayers and wish you the best of luck.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

Hey GITF. Do you know the story of the frog that fell into a pit?

Well: deep it was indeed. As he tried several times to jump out, a crowd gathered around the top of the pit.
The crowd yelled at him to just give up, and that he could never make it out. It was just too deep!
"Better to just make your peace, and die calmly there in the bottom" yelled the crowd.
The more the crowd yelled for him to stop trying to hop out, the more he kept trying.
Until finally with a mighty leap, he somehow managed to jump out to safety!
Someone in the crowd asked him: "Why did you keep trying, the more we tried to discourage you". "What?" said the frog.
Again: "Why did you keep trying, the more we tried to discourage you". "What?" said the frog.
Somebody clued-in, and signed him the question. So the frog replied: "Oh! I'm deaf, and I thought everybody was yelling to encourage me to jump higher".

Ghost,
I think everyone here has already said it, but were hear for you.

Im also in Canada - But in Ontario.
Miracles happen everyday, and you are proof of that.
Stay strong and please keep this thread updated with your progress.

Everyone here is at your bedside.

-Mac

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

God your story is a tough one.

as for doing something great, well, you probably ain't gonna out sprint Usain Bolt, but only you can make the decision not to try and do something amazing.

The vent you just did may be the first step on that road. I wish you luck and look forward to seeing what you make of the hand life dealt.

Hi Ghostsinthefog,

I am so sorry that you are facing such an enormous challenge. I truly hope that one day soon you will see that life isn't about the quantity of time we have here, but the quality of the time we have. Make the most out of what you have now and in the future.

Life is full of challenges, some far more daunting than others. Use this as much as you can as an opportunity to learn and to rise above what you 'think' life is and come to know 'what' life is. It is said that there is a reason or purpose for everything--perhaps this is to open you to understanding what your purpose here really is. You will make an enormous difference in this world if you allow yourself to.

I am not sure if you might find this information useful, but I thought I would include it here. Perhaps this is something that can be researched a bit more: www.sciencedaily.com...

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

I just want to scream...but instead I just breakdown.

For all the mistakes I made...i regret...

You are exactly where you are supposed to be going thru exactly what you are supposed to experience. Didn't sign up for this part of life, did you?

Its working, keep on sharing, especially the sorrow for the past. Everyone would be helped by it.

It's hard not to feel like giving up when you are going through such a tough time. I am also going through a tough time but they can never be compared. Yours does have hope. That word that seems so elusive when we need it the most.

It sound like you are getting great professional care-and a new heart is certainly a positive these days. Being so young, the prospects for a positive future sound great. Having your fiance with you is also wonderful - nothing better for the soul.

Your biggest battle is with yourself-and you already know this. Keeping a positive attitude is what you need the most. Don't give in to negativity of any sort. There are solutions and yours is coming-after all, you will be marrying, getting stronger and hopefully telling your grandchildren about your amazing miracle which they might need to hear in their lives one day.

You do have much to look forward to. Find that fight in yourself and that will to continue to believe in that new heart, new life and all the joy you will have. Hopefully, this will just be a blip in your life-you are young-lots ahead for you.

As you can tell, you have touched many of us here and made us think. You do have a purpose, you do matter and you have things to do in this life. Hang in there- help is coming-try to think of a future where you are healthy and productive again-don't go to a dark place-that's too easy. And you do have hope. I care.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

Very best hopes that your body gets what it needs.

But don't be so hard on yourself--you never have any true idea of how you've touched people in your life. What you measure as "great things" may not be life's definition of "great things," and you may have already achieved more than you could ever know.

A little something for your day:

My sincere wishes that this song is accurate for you.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

Sorry for the state youre finding yourself in. Objectively? Maybe this is reason youve survived at all. A message to spread, to inspire someone else to go get medical treatment, not to wait....Never should anyone think things cant happen to them as in "Im ONLY 40...or 25...or..."

Medically speaking...from experience (and Im not qualified to give medical advice, only experienced opinion)...I can think of a hundred questions and even more reasons that finds you in this situation. This in itself can be defeating and confusing to the patient. Im so sorry...but think you have a chance to inspire others....

And if its only that? Then you have great things to provide by encouragement to others by telling your story. But sometimes in life? The problems can BE the answers...by providing the inspiration to others who are experiencing the same things but in denial.

Take each day 1 at at time....pray for clarity and hope....God speed, good health to you...don't give up...and always talk out your feelings. At the minimum...youve got 300,000 ATS members here to listen! I wish and pray you well and that you find your answers.


Peace, Love n LIght always....

M.S.
EMT/ERT