How a woman ruined my life

originally posted by: cyberjedi
'HOW A WOMAN RUINED MY LIFE?'

How about taking some responsability here? title should read 'How I ruined my life'.

I think the more accurate statement would be "How my ex and I ruined the lives of 2 innocent children by bringing them into a world that we couldn't handle on our own and had no right subjecting them to the trauma of having to go through ther parents addictions".

Don't get me wrong... I have a profound respect for the OP for getting himself clean. But once that happened, he allowed her to stay in the home and relationship with their children while she continued to use, and by his own words, in the house while they were home. Once he was clean and sober, he is equally complicit in what is essentially child abuse, by allowing her to stay in the home knowing that she was using. That isn't cool at all. The kids have no recourse, no choice, nothing.

a reply to: GoShredAK



I'm sorry OP, but getting back with your ex "for the sake of the children" isn't going to do anybody any good. Find a free legal aid clinic, Get some advice on the options you have available, file for custody and the court will request you both take a drug test in most cases and states. If you care about the kids, secretly record her using drugs or talking about her use of drugs. I don't know the full extent of your situation, only the limited info in this theead but you need to get yourself into some counseling and seek some good legal advice on how the laws in your corner of the world work and what your chances are of getting custody. Because the way your posts read to me is that you're in a homeless shelter, kiss your kids and are willing to get back together with someone who is in the throes of full blown addiction and playing you against the tweaked boyfriend trying to get what she wants from both of you. Maybe I'm way off base and that's why I'm suggesting seeking legal advice and some counseling/therapy to help with your depression do that you can be in a god spot mentally to be a good dad to your kids. Sorry if I come off as a jerk, but I've been in your kids position and know how F'd up things are going to turn out for them if you don't get your s# together asap.

If I do get her back I'll never take her for granted again.
If I don't, I don't feel like I will ever be truly happy again

a reply to: GoShredAK

Lies or at best wishful thinking. What are the facts about her.
Cheater
Drug addict
Manipulative

This is what you want back in your life?

The small percentage of good things about here are not tangible but are in your head. They are wishes. Non existent.

You have a responsibility to your kids. Bring her back if your okay with your daughter writing a book someday about how to handle toxic relationships. I think your kids deserve more than that.

Think of the legacy that you will be leaving for your kids. Pour into to them, they want and need you just as much as you feel you need this woman. You need to be their knight in shining armor. The love you receive from them will help you plow through this tough decision.

remeber your not alone and don't go this alone. For help I honestly say go to a church, surprisingly they are full of broken relationships. While on the outside they look their Sunday best, their a many there who have dealt with similar situations like yours. I recommend a local nondenominational church. Sneak in and see if the offer counseling.

I'm praying for your right now.

a reply to: peter vlar

The lives of these children are far from ruined, if anything, it will make them strong. Adversity is a bitch but they will be prepared come adulthood.

originally posted by: cyberjedi
a reply to: peter vlar

The lives of these children are far from ruined, if anything, it will make them strong. Adversity is a bitch but they will be prepared come adulthood.

Nope, I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

If the ship is sinking give me the life boat and kids you get to swim. Don't worry any fears of abondoment and lonlines will make you strong. And the bitterness that you will feel later is quite a treat, it really lifts you to higher level. Let me say it now incase my boat springs a leak, Your welcome.

a reply to: cyberjedi

My point has apparently gone way over your head. The OP was based on how the ex has ruined his life. My point was that he needs to take responsibility for his actions and that not only did she not ruin his life, he's ignoring the more important people in this equation who, whether you want to agree or not, are going to be profoundly affected by daddy living in a homeless shelter while mommy moves her dealer into the house and brings him to bed in exchange for drugs.

If you don't think that's going to have any effects on the kids, you've never been an addict or the child of one. I've been those kids and I know all too well what the cycle of addiction, cleaning up and inevitable relapse does as well as having strange people coming in and out of your house, one absentee parent and the other one out of their mind from being intoxicated.

Sorry, but you're wrong, this isn't the type of healthy adversity that leads to properly functioning adults who know how adults are supposed to act.

a reply to: GoShredAK

Nope... don't do it...

a reply to: peter vlar

Fair enough, I have not experienced this, you have, and i'll take it you are correct here.

a reply to: GoShredAK

brother, I was attached to an addict for over 14 years...nothing you can do to make her change....and any relationship you have while shes clean will be centered around that monkey lurking in the background waiting to jump on that back. You seriously may want to consider just moving on with another more stable person, regardless of what you think you see in her that has redeeming qualities, trust me. To get over that hurdle alone you will only be met with disappointment.

Think about the child first, and her later. She made her choice...and apparently what she is doing is not in the childs best interest. If you can offer the child stability and love, then get the child away from her first...chances are if she loses the child it may motivate her to get and stay clean. Then you can work on mending the fence between you, but not before.

Dont let emotion overshoot principal in this or you will only suffer more heartache. Been there, done that, think about the child. If given a choice between the child and her....there should be no question who you should choose.

Kids first dude, imo, don't give her an inch with the habit. Any sign dumb her ass and get custodity. Her an the kids will thank you much later.

There no mercy in this Dojo!!! Don't even let her breath without you knowing if she has a huge chance of relapsing.

Women...

I consider myself a wise man for having avoided their clutches for so long.

I just hope you can drive the darkness away in your life and your family. I find peace of mind by thinking about God, Jesus and Mary sometimes with prayer, how they are good and like a light that makes darkness go away.

I read about addiction, didn't see what exactly or maybe I misread. If it's harddrugs, perhaps you can exchange it for cannabis, still darkness because nobody should need substances to be happy in life but less dark than most drugs.

Sometimes, very practical things also help a lot which doesn't have to cost a lot except perhaps your time; security like work and income, cleanliness like having a clean house and clean clothes to live in. Plants in the house, not only for air climate quality but also as small reminders of nature.

Somehow I think you might have a chance if you really think about a plan and executing it. Like if you can get her back waiting for awhile making sure to avoid angry exbf's, maybe talk to the police if you can about your situation and what you plan to do about it with, it is after all threats have been made.
You would also need a lot of understanding and realize how the situation got to this point and how to prevent it in the future. You already said you were acting like a slacker, you need to get your # together first and become stable before you can try to get her back and then also get her stable. But I would if I were you, despite it all simply for the children. If you made them with her it's your responsibility to do anything you can to be sure they will grow up and become healthy, happy and succesful individuals. And like others said if you get her stable, keep her on a tight leash, she will probably like you for it, mind you I mean respecting her also, just to take care of her and be sure she is safe at all times.

a reply to: spliffster

Apologies for the short post, I keep deleting long replys on accident............

I am hopelessly in love with this girl, so as far as we have come I cannot let her go, she will have to break my heart again.

I'm sure if I snapped out of my selfish lazy ways and started to make being a great husband and father my top priority, she would be haply and not consider drugs.

Though I won't get my hopes up, things are looking good;
.we talk every day, she always calls me babe or love or similar
.shes not getting along with the pos dude and plans making him pack his # and leave tonight
.sne kisses me
.beyond that, she has cheated on him with me three times
.we have plans to hang out all day tomorrow, so tomorrow will be another day
.she even drove me all around all day, helped me movie out of this terrible apartment I was living with, back to the friendship mission. ........after all that she drove about 45 minutes to pick me up from McDonald's at 11PM.



I don't wanna jinx it but within a few months I may actually have my beloved wife back, and my kids around everyday......

When it happens I can swear to God with no doubts, I will be the happiest person alive........ill be beyond ecstatic I could accomplish anything and nothing could get iny way.......

a reply to: GoShredAK

When it happens I can swear to God with no doubts, I will be the happiest person alive...

Sigh.

originally posted by: AlienOutlaw
Women...

I consider myself a wise man for having avoided their clutches for so long.

I can't believe someone found a way to say that with pride.

OP needs to quit whining about his life and llife with his wife. Give
those kids a life no matter who gets in his way. Be the hero not the zero.

a reply to: randyvs

You right.........i woke up this morning at the mission and a pretty Cool guy named Gary gave me basically that Same advice........

This is a Godly place that is meant for broken men to rebuild their lives..........

So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna stop worrying about her so much and focus completely on bettering myself.....

I'm gonna save my money until I can afford a place of my very own......

That way no matter what happens I'll have a place to take my kids.

If she decides she wants to take me back I will happily accept that, if not I'll be fine on my own and just put all my focus towards my kids........

I did not think I was whining bit I guess I was........I was very unhappy living in that apartment so all I did was dwell on my misery.

Now that I am back here at the mission I can truly start working on myself.

originally posted by: thesaneone
a reply to: GoShredAK

When it happens I can swear to God with no doubts, I will be the happiest person alive...

Sigh.

Your right, my priorities were all messed up........... I'm getting it now though

I need to find my own happiness by working on myself and being the best dad possible..........i need to not depend on her in order to get my happiness back.

I know the more I say and the more I show my depression the more I am pushing her away.....

I am making big changes today....

Now everything I do is for my kids...

If she is not clean by the time I can afford a place then I will have solid foundation to fight for their safety....

www.kenaifriendshipmission.com...

This is where I am staying now.....

originally posted by: GoShredAK
a reply to: randyvs

You right.........i woke up this morning at the mission and a pretty Cool guy named Gary gave me basically that Same advice........

This is a Godly place that is meant for broken men to rebuild their lives..........

So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna stop worrying about her so much and focus completely on bettering myself.....

I'm gonna save my money until I can afford a place of my very own......

That way no matter what happens I'll have a place to take my kids.

If she decides she wants to take me back I will happily accept that, if not I'll be fine on my own and just put all my focus towards my kids........

I did not think I was whining bit I guess I was........I was very unhappy living in that apartment so all I did was dwell on my misery.

Now that I am back here at the mission I can truly start working on myself.

Now nothing can stop you.

There's a good man inside of you that only needed direction.

But remember life can throw you a curve ball at any point along the way.
What matters is how you handle it.

originally posted by: GoShredAK
a reply to: spliffster

Apologies for the short post, I keep deleting long replys on accident............

I am hopelessly in love with this girl, so as far as we have come I cannot let her go, she will have to break my heart again.

And she absolutely will. She's shown repeatedly that she has no self respect let alone respect for you, your feelings and mostly importantly, your children who she cis bromides to keep in the same house as the guy she sleeps with for drugs. You're so blinded that you're willing to continue putting your kids through a cycle of mental abuse to give yourself some temporary happiness. I'm sorry but you come off as pretty selfish you n this context. It's about what you want,
Not whatnyur kids need. Get a grip on reality.

I'm sure if I snapped out of my selfish lazy ways and started to make being a great husband and father my top priority, she would be haply and not consider drugs.

Has she sought treatment or counsel By? If the answer I say no, then as I stated above, your selfish and delusional and are willing to continue putting your kids in harms way because you are incapable of letting go of someone who completely disrespects you and more importantly, your kids

Though I won't get my hopes up, things are looking good;

Your hopes are already up and in a rather unrealistic way. Hopefully one day, your kids become the priority and not y He wants.

.we talk every day, she always calls me babe or love or similar

Yet you're living in a Jesus pushing homeless shelter and she's still living in your home with another dude. When are you going to get some perspective and more importantly, self respect?

.shes not getting along with the pos dude and plans making him pack his # and leave tonight

Sure she is...

.sne kisses me

And does much more with at least one other guy in exchange for drugs

.beyond that, she has cheated on him with me three times

And you're bragging? That means she will do the same thing to you the first time it's convenient. You're getting played and don't even know the rules of the game. Wake the hell up man.

we have plans to hang out all day tomorrow, so tomorrow will be another day

Wow... when are you going to worry about your kids as much as this tramp who used you and threw you away?

.she even drove me all around all day, helped me movie out of this terrible apartment I was living with, back to the friendship mission. ........after all that she drove about 45 minutes to pick me up from McDonald's at 11PM.

You do realize that even a s# apartment is a stable place to live that would enable you to get legal visitation with your kids and a homeless shelter completely rules that out right?

I don't wanna jinx it but within a few months I may actually have my beloved wife back, and my kids around everyday......

Or you could get your head out of your ass, get your own s# together and still have your kids around everyday. You need
To get your priorities straight my man because you are whipped on this girl who treats you like a B# and consistently screws you over and you prioritize getting back with her over being a great dad to your kids. I'm really sorry, I know I'm coming off as confrontational and harsh, but your F'ing over your kids for a woman who isn't worth the quarter it would cost you at a pay phone to call her. You need to get your priorities straight while your kids still have a chance at normalcy. I just don't see it happening because all you seek to care about is getting back with their mom but not so much the kids.

When it happens I can swear to God with no doubts, I will be the happiest person alive........ill be beyond ecstatic I could accomplish anything and nothing could get iny way.......

And what about the day 5 months later when you come home from work early and she's got pinned pupils and a freshly smoked pipe next to her and the guy she's supposedly kicking out is zipping up his pants while your kids are in the next room? Because that is exactly the cycle you are setting in motion if you think that you're going to magically get her off drugs without her getting treatment. It doesn't work that way and the stress of walking into something like that puts you a millimeter away from relapsing yourself.

You need to forget her until she completes treatment. End of story. You need to make your kids the priority, not her. You need to get some counseling for yourself while you're at it to deal with your self esteem issues and learn why it is you're willing to screw your kids up permanently for someone who used you, still uses drugs and has never made your kids a priority either. I'm sorry, but it's getting hard To empathize with you considering that you are so willing to put your kids below her in terms of importance.

Those kids NEED you. She wants something from you, for right now. Those kids will always need you but they're not
Your priority. I'm going to be sick now because that's what Reading your posts does to me at this point. I want so badly to empathize with you but your priorities are completely screwed up and your kids are next if you don't get your crap together ASAP. I sincerely wish your ur kids the best of luck and thst you figure out what's more important before it's too late.

a reply to: peter vlar

I'm not upset with you for being so real.......

I've had that change of heart today....

I met a guy here at the mission who is going through the exact same thing and he has been giving me this same advice all day.

I have opened my eyes and I feel stronger already, I'm done playing her games and my kids are my number one priority. They always have been I was just temporarily blinded by love and like you said my own self esteem issues....

Unfortunately I couldn't stay in that apartment anymore, the roomate and I were completely incompatible and the way I felt there rendered me unable to make any progress.

Now that I am here I have a solid plan in place. I'm going to work as many hours as possible, ignoring my ex the entire time, and soon enough I will have enough money to move into a place of my own.

At that point I will do what is necessary to get my kids out of this toxic Situation.

Chances are she will still be using at that time and I will end up with full custody.

Moving here was the right decision, I have had a complete 180 degree change of heart.....

I'm letting her go......... I don't ever need another woman, all I need is my kids.

While she is swirling down the drain, I am making forward progress....

God put me here for a reason, in just one day I have had such a radical change in my thinking...

I appreciate you keeping it real with me, I needed to read all of that...... You're absolutely correct.