How a woman ruined my life

a reply to: HassenBinSobar

I've been hanging out with her the past few days and she's been honest with me and shown me everything she is doing. She is doing the two worst ones together...

I am definitely more stable then her right now.

If I wanted to hurt her and take the kids there's a good chance I could.

But I don't want to do that to her, she's trying to quit, and we still might get back together........she has to fight the temptation to use and get rid of this dude though.

a reply to: GoShredAK

Let me ask you a question,

How has the experience of 'losing everything' served you?

Now you also state that you didnt know what you had until it was gone, so this experience you had was a necessary evil was it not?

originally posted by: GoShredAK
a reply to: HassenBinSobar

I've been hanging out with her the past few days and she's been honest with me and shown me everything she is doing. She is doing the two worst ones together...

I am definitely more stable then her right now.

If I wanted to hurt her and take the kids there's a good chance I could.

But I don't want to do that to her, she's trying to quit, and we still might get back together........she has to fight the temptation to use and get rid of this dude though.

Step back for minute.

Everything you've been talking about is about YOUR FEELINGS. You've been given an excellent opportunity if you'd only realize that this is not only about you! What about your kids mental and physical safety? What about them??

The two of you are adults and can make your own choices. Your kids cannot make their own choices and are depending ON YOU to make the right ones FOR THEM, and for you and your wife.

Don't you realize that you are hurting her by not being the father to her children that you should be?? Yes, at first she will be "hurt", but really, in the long run, it may help her become the mother of YOUR children that SHE should be!

Grow up! Your family is in tatters and all you care about is how the two of you "feels".

a reply to: GoShredAK

Except now there is hope! She is drifting apart from her boyfriend and we have been hanging out quite a bit lately....she says she wants to stop with the negative habits and be a family again.

You are setting yourself up for more heartache, disappointment and, in the end, being right back where you are now. She threw you away for someone else and now that it's not working out, she knows she can run right back to you. She knows she can manipulate you and that is exactly what's happening. If you have kids together, go to court, prove she's a drug addict and get custody. If you can not financially support them, at least get shared custody with reasonable visitation.
You KNOW this is a bad idea, but you're lonely, miss your kids and looking for a way to fool yourself into thinking it'll work out.
It won't. If they cheat once, they WILL do it again.
You're going to do what you want, but you'll be back here within months telling us what a disaster it was.

No way to tip toe around it, if she is using and has the kids, thats got to stop immediately. That isn't good mom period. Your responsibility isn't to her or yourself but those kids. You both might be unhappy the rest of your lives but give your kids a fighting chance at a better one.

Been there ... thankfully my kids turned out great but we had tremendous support from both of our parents and siblings. Addiction is addiction my ex's was alcohol, but you got to own your responsibility 100% of it just like she has her 100% responsibility.

This isnt advice its just how my situation was. Do whats best for your children, whatever gets them out of a toxic situation the quickest and gives them some security is a good place to start.

For the second time I should say... We split up for a year before once already for exact same reason

her cheating on me and lying, having another man around my kids and using drugs with them in the house,

She is not an easy woman to deal with

My son is already obviously affected by this

Yeah. Wonderful woman and Mother figure. How could you possibly stay away.

The 2 worst ones together - speed balls?
If she's sharing needles with this "tweeker" you best get that woman a clean bill of health before you do anything.
How long has she been with this scum bag? It's odd that he would feel the need to scrap it out, when HE is the one imposing here.
If anything you should be the one Feeling that way.
If a dude moves in on a married woman, that dude knows he's in the wrong and deserves a full scale arse spanking.

She's done this to you before you said, what makes you think this time around will be any different.
You need to tell her to get treatment. You'll be there to support her every step of the way, but she needs to prove to you that she deserves YOU.

You said your depressed right now, so your not thinking correctly either. Do you think laying in bed beside the woman and mother that threw your relationship out the door, thinking at night all the crap she did to you behind your back, all the crap that has no doubt effected your children with.

No homie, that B needs to prove to YOU that she's worth it and committed to you.
Otherwise, your better off getting your feet on the ground by getting your own place, and either waiting for the news that she's OD'd and you can pick up your kids, or going through court and you can pick up your kids.

I'm a recovering addict also, if you need to talk to keep your S^** straight send me a message. No judgement towards you my friend, I've been through and done it all.

1. Get those kids away from both of you addicts. Find a family member, friend, whatever-you can't be a good parent right now and neither can she.
2. Get yourself clean, sober, get a job, a place to live.
3. Stay away from this woman. You are poison together.
4. Forget ever having a loving relationship with this woman-you feed off each others need for drugs- and yes, it will always be like this.
5. The ONLY thing that matter are the kids. They need to be away from you both-you are horrible examples as parents. They'd be better in foster homes than with you two.
6. You need to be stable, clean and sober before ever even considering your children living with you. She should never have them again. You both have blown parenthood.
7. Try to start life again-away from this woman and all women for at least two years after you are clean sober have a job-steady paycheck and can take care of yourself.
8. Life is hard. Accept it. Work hard to find that peace that only comes from doing the right things-which is right now getting your children safe-pronto. Or they'll end up like you two-be an example of how to overcome these obstacles and make them proud of you.
9. Show your children, not just talk, how hard you will work for them and that they matter and you love them more than anything-don't denounce their mother but stay away from her-she has her own work to do to ever be a good mother or partner.
Best wishes. I know it must be hard but if you want it you can do it. Do it for your kids-leave the mom alone.

Give her another chance. Do you with your kids. Help her by finding the support and help she needs. Be a night in shining armor.

I hope things work out for you and your kids.
I wish you wellness and a calm head and heart.

###SNIPPED###

As to the OP don't do it, get yourself squared away.... it's better for children to come from a broken home and have at least one good parent. Rather than a home that's constantly breaking and is toxic

originally posted by: cyberjedi
a reply to: GoShredAK

Let me ask you a question,

How has the experience of 'losing everything' served you?

Now you also state that you didnt know what you had until it was gone, so this experience you had was a necessary evil was it not?

Yes it was in a sense. It is easily the worst thing that has ever happened to me so it has changed me forever.

Now I know how to be a husband and a dad. I've learned my lesson.

If I do get her back I'll never take her for granted again.

If I don't, I don't feel like I will ever be truly happy again.

originally posted by: Iamonlyhuman

originally posted by: GoShredAK
a reply to: HassenBinSobar

I've been hanging out with her the past few days and she's been honest with me and shown me everything she is doing. She is doing the two worst ones together...

I am definitely more stable then her right now.

If I wanted to hurt her and take the kids there's a good chance I could.

But I don't want to do that to her, she's trying to quit, and we still might get back together........she has to fight the temptation to use and get rid of this dude though.

Step back for minute.

Everything you've been talking about is about YOUR FEELINGS. You've been given an excellent opportunity if you'd only realize that this is not only about you! What about your kids mental and physical safety? What about them??

The two of you are adults and can make your own choices. Your kids cannot make their own choices and are depending ON YOU to make the right ones FOR THEM, and for you and your wife.

Don't you realize that you are hurting her by not being the father to her children that you should be?? Yes, at first she will be "hurt", but really, in the long run, it may help her become the mother of YOUR children that SHE should be!

Grow up! Your family is in tatters and all you care about is how the two of you "feels".

I do care about how my kids feel deeply.....

It's just so heavy and emotional I don't know how to process it or put everything into words..

originally posted by: DAVID64
a reply to: GoShredAK

Except now there is hope! She is drifting apart from her boyfriend and we have been hanging out quite a bit lately....she says she wants to stop with the negative habits and be a family again.

You are setting yourself up for more heartache, disappointment and, in the end, being right back where you are now. She threw you away for someone else and now that it's not working out, she knows she can run right back to you. She knows she can manipulate you and that is exactly what's happening. If you have kids together, go to court, prove she's a drug addict and get custody. If you can not financially support them, at least get shared custody with reasonable visitation.
You KNOW this is a bad idea, but you're lonely, miss your kids and looking for a way to fool yourself into thinking it'll work out.
It won't. If they cheat once, they WILL do it again.
You're going to do what you want, but you'll be back here within months telling us what a disaster it was.

Ugh, I know.........

She has a lot of power over my heart.......

This was easier for me when I was mad.

If you've ever been around someone using meth or heroine for a large amount of time you will quickly see that they should not be ANYWHERE near children. Those drugs make you hallucinate, rip your skin off, choke on your own vomit, etc... that is NOT a place for children man. You have every right to get a divorce , get the courts involved, get custody of your children, and build a new family and home in a healthy environment.

Not to mention her boyfriend is threatening you? How could you allow that near your children. You NEED to take control my friend. Whatever that means to you. Do it. Take control. Might want to purchase a firearm for self defense if a tweaker is threatening you. They are irrational and will try to stab you in your sleep. Be careful friend and take control of your life again. It's gonna be hard but we believe in you. a reply to: GoShredAK

originally posted by: Macenroe82
The 2 worst ones together - speed balls?
If she's sharing needles with this "tweeker" you best get that woman a clean bill of health before you do anything.
How long has she been with this scum bag? It's odd that he would feel the need to scrap it out, when HE is the one imposing here.
If anything you should be the one Feeling that way.
If a dude moves in on a married woman, that dude knows he's in the wrong and deserves a full scale arse spanking.

She's done this to you before you said, what makes you think this time around will be any different.
You need to tell her to get treatment. You'll be there to support her every step of the way, but she needs to prove to you that she deserves YOU.

You said your depressed right now, so your not thinking correctly either. Do you think laying in bed beside the woman and mother that threw your relationship out the door, thinking at night all the crap she did to you behind your back, all the crap that has no doubt effected your children with.

No homie, that B needs to prove to YOU that she's worth it and committed to you.
Otherwise, your better off getting your feet on the ground by getting your own place, and either waiting for the news that she's OD'd and you can pick up your kids, or going through court and you can pick up your kids.

I'm a recovering addict also, if you need to talk to keep your S^** straight send me a message. No judgement towards you my friend, I've been through and done it all.

Yep exactly, that is what she is into.

She has been with him ever since we broke up, probably a little before, so about 6 months now.

I definitely want to destroy him, it's agonizing that I've let him get away with this..

I'm working against him though so their will most likely be a Confrontation. As long as he has the guts to fight like a man and put his guns away, I'll fight.

originally posted by: wheresthebody
get your kids back and run

Best advice so far.

DO NOT CALL AUTHORITIES unless they are in imminent peril. Once the kids are in YOUR PHYSICAL CUSTODY contact a family law attorney (there are most likely free resources in major metropolitan areas). If the courts have not already made a decision as to which parent has custody rights, there really isn't much the mother can do (beyond having police do welfare checks). But, by the same token, if she doesn't want to let you have contact with the children, you can't do anything either (until a judge makes a determination).

It can be complicated and messy, but do your best to think clearly about what you want for yourself and the kids. I wouldn't really listen to any advice on the internet including mine, other than to heed my suggestion to contact family-law resources.

Get your life in order ASAP, I mean... you may have to undergo drug testing/psychological analysis and the courts will scrutinize your life. You want to have a way to support the children AND provide care for them while you are at work.

originally posted by: GoShredAK
a reply to: cyberjedi

I was taking her for granted and I really didn't know what I had till it was gone.

That is the #ty part about break ups..it makes you think over your years together how you could have been the stronger person or what you could have done differently to change the course of your relationship.

Sometimes if there is not enough excitement in one's life it will kill the relationship. If it ain't growing, it is dying.

a reply to: GoShredAK
I hear you when you say how hard it is to deal with losing what you didn't realise you had and that you took her for granted. I did the same thing, and also for me that was the hardest part to deal with after the loss.

But like another poster said, you need to focus on what you can get out of this experience. I did exactly that. I stopped being lazy. Let her buy me out of our home, found a small beat-up brick house for cheap, and spent a year and a half in poverty building the crap out of it, even through the winter in below freezing temperatures. I was on a mission! At first, besides our two sons, it was my anger towards my ex for breaking up our family that kept me going (anger is a very valuable emotion if you direct it towards something productive), but gradually that turned into pride, and that's how I got my self-esteem back. It's stronger now than it ever was.

And here's the kicker: Now that I have my pride back, I realise that my ex wasn't nearly as great as I thought at the time. She was not the be-all and end-all. I can now see that we didn't really make a good match. That also became obvious through my relationship with my sons, which is much better now. The atmosphere is no longer toxic when they are with me. I used to think that a good relationship with a woman was the best thing on earth, and couldn't imagine being happy without that. Now, I know that what really counts is a good relationship with YOURSELF! Without that, you won't be capable of love, and with it, you won't need love from others to be happy.

So my advice to you is to find a project, a mission to put yourself on that is directed to growing as a person in exactly those aspects that you failed in before. Focus on becoming that better man, BEFORE you focus on what you don't have right now!

And in the mean-time, as you seem to already be experiencing, know that your greatest power is in your greatest depths. Sometimes you gotta hit rock bottom to find it. You are now in that position, and it feels like a matter of life or death, which it basically is!

Now is the time to grab life by the balls. Just f*cking DO IT! In the end, you will be thankful for this whole dilemma you find yourself in now. When I reached that point, I cried tears of joy.

soulwaxer