posted on May, 13 2017 @ 02:53 AM
So I was having a really great day today. I woke up, posted a bunch here, and got a lot done I felt like, I felt like I really made some progress at
connecting with myself.figured out I missed work yesterday which wouldn't have been so bad but I had intentionally missed work a couple times two
weeks ago when I was feeling super depressed to where I didn't even want to get out of it though I couldn't stand it. So anyway I went in to work, got
fired, kept my positive attitude, I was really feeling magical all day today, like I was finally making enough progress. Went to the card shop to
play some games... Came home and just fell apart.
I literally can't help but feel like maybe the best thing for me to do is to just stop because it feels like the farther I go in understanding myself
the more it seems clear to me that I can't change. I find, in order to preserve what semblance of sanity I yet maintain, I have to believe myself
separate from this I have to see it as something that controls me and tries to influence me.
And no matter how many times I've said "bravery is acting despite fear" I can never seem to face my fears enough to defeat them, to absiove them. I
run from them, mostly, but I run to them when I write. Yet I can't seem to break past.... Like I came home today and I was feeling good, turned off my
phone because I was just gonna lay on my bed, think a bit and relax, maybe try and meditate... And I just fell apart, I felt a hollowness inside that
threatens to consume me.
And the worst part is the little story I shared with you guys today is the perfect solution to this very plight! I had it it was such an
accomplishment yet I ripped it away from my own fingers because it seems I would rather wallow than be happy with progress. But that is not me, I am
not that sadness! I am staring at it. I ask again: why can't I do it? What makes me not do it? And the answer is only ever myself.
I know I am a good person, no matter how much I feel like I am not. I know I deserve love and have a whole lot of it to give. But I fear I can never
live up to myself. I dear I will always fall back into this whole where I have not even the course to stand, to try and climb.
And yes I know star, courage is about trying again! I just feel so sperated even from that right now and it's slowly killing me.