Need some support, light and inspiration in the face of grief

Berenike - how many posts of yours I've read these many years!

I have been on a mission to "get over it" quickly and return to the experience of life as I had before I met him, and while I was with him. I know, too, that that makes no sense and is harmful to me actually. But, because the darkness and pain I walk in seems endless and like quicksand, I am trying to "accomplish" this instead of experience it and going with the flow of this river of pain and sorrow.

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Five years - fifty years -- it doesn't make a difference. I know that my brother's death is still fresh, although it was more than 10 years ago.

I believe it's time to write. I think I am ready to try that.

Thank you for responding. My appreciation.
Galadriel

originally posted by: berenike
Try not to be too hard on yourself and don't have any expectations as to how long the grieving process 'should' take. Or what form it should take.

Go through it - don't try to get over it.

My last loss was nearly five years ago and I found that it helped a lot to write everything down. It's still heart-rending to read.

But, I also tried to stay strong and keep myself together. I hardly cried because I felt that if I started it would never stop.

Now, all this time later I'm holding back those tears as I write. They're still there, waiting to be shed.

If you feel the need to, get yours out. They will be a release.

Just Mike --
He told me I was a mystical being, and sometimes I wasn't, so it drove him nuts . I could be quite centered and awake in the world, and then I would fall asleep and get caught up in my mind about something and he'd tell me to relax, breathe, meditate and not let my mind and thoughts take me off center. Yet that is what I am doing everyday since passed. Being off center. He told me often that when he died, as he felt he would (intuition or knowing, I am not certain), that I should not cry and I should go live a happy life. But I do cry, and I can't fathom a happy life, but I do still want to feel good about being alive. And I know I will get there.

I put a lovely photo of him on my desk at work that my dear friend printed and framed for me recently. It makes me sad and happy to turn and look at his lovely face. Sometimes when I cannot bear it, I look at my phone and enlarge a photo I have of him to the point where it's just his eyes and smile -- and I mentally, psychically speak to him for a few moments, just saying I love you, I love you, I love you. And I go back to working.

My heart goes out to you, Mike, and to your lovely wife. You are enduring a loss on such a grand scale. I don't know if I could bear it. You must be a strong person to be able to do what you are doing each day.

Moonbeams through the mist -- that is beautiful and sad. My heart goes out to you. I will PM you and I hope you feel that you can do the same, at any time. Stay strong.

I appreciate your post

originally posted by: JustMike
a reply to: Galadriel
There's so little I can really offer to help you, because this is such a deeply personal thing. All I can really say is that he will always be with you, within your mind and being. Can you find a way to take the memories you have of your times together and even use them to add to your daily life now? Include him in your life, still, but in a nearly mystical way? Maybe that could help.

I am already having to do something like that, because my wife of more than 20 years is dying from a brain disease. It moves slowly but inexorably, so that while she is still with me and we are together every day, her real inner self is practically gone, except for very brief glimpses that sometimes shine through for a few moments, like moonbeams through the mist.

More and more, I need to think of her as she was, as her mind and spirit was, rather than as she physically is now. My love for her does not change, but I grieve for her every day. For what has gone and will not return. So, the only way I can manage is to by holding on to those memories, even as she slowly fades further and further away.

I find this helps a little, but sharing with others and allowing the grief to come out also helps. You are doing that now and it is the right thing for you to do.

Mike

PS: please feel free to PM me any time.

I am so glad that you took my advice to reach out to your ATS family. I knew it would make a difference. I knew the people would rush right in and try to lift your spirits and share their compassion and love.

You are a beautiful soul Galadriel and I can see that in the things you say and how you say them. You are philosophical, wise and wonderful. And like your elf avatar, you are just enchanting. Much love and light my friend!

And when you are ready, remember the shed is there waiting. The doors are unlocked and the lights are on. HUGS my Elven Sister!

intrptr - thank you. I have read many of your posts and appreciated you here on the boards.

You are so right. The path in front of me is only my own path. I cannot walk your path or anyone else's. But many of the posts here have made me, for a small moment, realize more fully the pain others feel and the burdens they bear is heavier than what I think is heavy for me.

Grief will pass. I know it will. I just don't want to get stuck in that place and not get out. That is my secret fear, to be honest. I've never gotten stuck before, as evidenced of my continued life and love and happiness. But I am a bit afraid of this one. I hope that I can ride through the storm and see the dawn.

Thank you.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Galadriel

Tell me about how you found your reasons to laugh and have a great life after tragedy. Remind me of the beauty of this world. What could I do, where could I go, what could I experience that is deep, spiritual, joyful, and would make me glad to be alive.

We can't Its your path not ours. I can tell you this, it will diminish. Grief will pass. Different for different people, don;t fight that you can't feel happy right now. The strength of your grief and unhappiness shows how strong your love was is. As we grow we become ever deeper in our ties with others and feel the loss more.

So be glad you're sad, if that makes any sense.

Hi network dude,

Here's how it happened.

I walked past him in the woods. My entire being felt like it rushed out and over to him, very large and expansive, and my entire being said "I love you" to him and to everything around him. That is before I met him. Before I consciously loved him. I was startled, and didn't know what had happened to me. The booming "voice" of my self (Self?) was so strong and loud that I thought perhaps he actually heard it for a moment -- as he had turned suddenly toward me.

The next day we met for the first time, when he stepped out right in front of my path. We began talking and found we shared the same spiritual beliefs (and shared conspiracy theories!). I loved him before I knew him. The most strangest, most magical encounter I've ever experienced. And my spiritual self recognized him in some way. He often said it was destiny that we met, destiny that our paths crossed. Several weeks after we met, I told him how my whole being leapt out and loved him that fateful day. He understood completely. He was one in zillion, that man.

originally posted by: network dude
a reply to: Galadriel

Do you remember the feeling you had when you first realized you were in love with the person you were with?
It's an amazing feeling and better than any drug could ever be. As long as you have a breath, you can experience that again. Don't loose sight of that fact.

hidden in the words of a song, is the key to it all.

Troubles will come, and they will pass.

When they pass, you can start to live again, and when you do, that person who needs you will show up, just be sure you are able to recognize them.

Dear woodsmom,
Thank you for replying. I LOVE your posts! And thank you for the virtual hugs. All hugs welcome.

I get what you mean about changing the scenery and getting away. My instinct is to run though, and I'm not sure that is healthy. And certainly isn't financially sound for me at the moment.

I was in shock, truly in shock, per my doctor. His death was not instant, so it was very difficult to experience on my end, and horrific for him. Like a very bad nightmare. It was actually the trauma of the experience that kept me from grieving properly at first, as I was just all anxiety and fight/flight response.

I still have the urge to run, to get in my car or get to the airport and just go away where there is no memories of us together and no routine imagery. Because the pain is so intense, that I see running somewhere "blank" in memories to be a soothing balm or bandage.

I am going to Portland in summer, but he and I were going, so now I am going alone. That will make me sad I'm sure, and it is also where I was when my first sweetheart was killed in an accident years ago, so a double pain. I am attending a program there, and already paid, so I hope to have the guts to still go by myself.

A friend said maybe I could come down for a long weekend in Florida to visit at some point.

But I wish I had the $$ to go somewhere fresh and new to me. Just a simple getaway where there is natural beauty and I could take stock of my life a bit.

My spiritual foundation always kept me from falling in the past. I feel the foundation got washed away this time. I am in the water, and it's rough and deep, and scary. I want to get out of the water, but I think it's like being in the riptide, you can't swim directly to shore, rather, you let it take you so far, and the swim parallel. Maybe that's what I need to do.

I may PM you at some point here. I suspect this will be a long process of healing and my family will tire of my breakthrough bleeding of tears. I do cry sometimes, usually not very long, but I do have jags for 5-10 minutes some days. But other days, I manage to get through.

I do laugh. I do smile. I do care about the quality of my work at the office. I do walk in the woods or the beach. I do read inspirational books, affirmations, and such. I even watch hulu comedies to laugh when I'm too tired to even cry. I am trying, and yes, sometimes I am going through the motions, trying to "fake it til I make it" to a more centered place. I could cry a river and it won't help him, and it would change the fact that our life will never be. My life will be, until it's not, and I want to be sure I am fully present and embracing it.

Thank you so very much,
Galadriel

originally posted by: woodsmom
a reply to: Galadriel

My very deepest condolences first. Things just don't seem to make much sense some times. For what it is, I offer many hugs and and open line of communication! If you ever need to talk about anything!

I've always appreciated your posts here, your point of view on this world, and it saddens me to hear you are going through this.

Grief is a terrible monster some days. My suggestion to you would be to travel somewhere. Changing your scenery, even briefly, can often help. We just got back from a two week trip for just that reason. It has performed wonders. Maybe just stepping away from where you spent time together can give your soul a breather from the reminders. It seems rough, but placing reminders in a safe place out of immediate view might help too. Go see something pretty instead, that was my order from my doc that sent us out of state. I will even offer my little spare bedroom to you, I'm in Alaska, anything to change the patterns.

I'm personally also dealing with the after effects of grief compiled with more. Please find someone to talk to! I'm still trying to figure this out five years later. Don't let it fester and take over your living, because that's what you still have to do is live. That means finding something in this life to entice and interest you. Find joy somewhere, however fleeting. Don't just go through the motions. We know what people expect of us and we somehow find a way to accomplish just enough on auto pilot to get by. The thing is that you deserve better than auto pilot. Six weeks out I'm sure you will need that ability plenty of days, but you still deserve better. Take the time you need to grieve your own way, don't feel bad about that either. Just know that there is still so much beauty in the world for you to enjoy, he would want you to I'm sure.

I'm not kidding either about the invitation. It's even getting pretty here. We are even a full month ahead of things as far as summer staring goes. The trees are green and the birds are coming back, I even found a crocus yesterday.
Many many hugs to you sweetheart! I truly wish you the best in this world.

a reply to: SyxPak

Thank you!!! I will drop you both a PM and I appreciate the kindness!

Indeed, I don't how I got so lucky to meet, get to know, love and be loved by such a great guy. When I was younger, I had my share of dating and relationships, all types, funny, smart, cute, responsible, irresponsible, difficult, whatever. Somehow, I lucked out to meet someone wise, strong, smart, vulnerable and open, compassionate to everyone, deep and seriously funny, and talented. He was flawed, so don't think I'm building him up to be perfect . But he was so loved by everyone he met and he was really a joy to know and be with. Maybe he wasn't always that way, but in my life, and what I observed in the way others in his life felt about him, he was something really special.

a reply to: Galadriel

I just returned and read that. That denotes pre-destiny, at least an all when and probably all where, if that makes any sense. So beautiful to hear others tell their tales of spirituality.

a reply to: Galadriel

Grief will pass. I know it will. I just don't want to get stuck in that place and not get out. That is my secret fear, to be honest. I've never gotten stuck before, as evidenced of my continued life and love and happiness. But I am a bit afraid of this one. I hope that I can ride through the storm and see the dawn.

But you are stuck forever, in true love, measured now by the pain of separation. I guess the alternative is not missing him? How menial would that be? You will always be in love and one day, together again. Presume he is 'around', watching, waiting. Maybe to dream of him and togetherness. Ah sweet, torturous love, I am so in envy…

a reply to: Galadriel

You are certainly very Welcome! Don't rush on the PM's. Just write, when You are up to it. We will be here...

intrptr - you sound like a wise soul. Your posts are brief and yet seem to speak volumes.

You are right, in that I am stuck forever in true love. I am grateful that I had the experience of such a bond. I see a holistic counselor for grief, and she told me that he was not my "soul mate" that people speak so casually of. She said soul mates are those we incarnate over and over with, to work out stuff, and that the relationships are generally difficult, unpleasant. She said it was likely he was my "heart mate." I have never heard of this before.

A heart mate is one to whom you are connected and you are even better together than apart. Together, you commit to helping one another grow and be in joy. You recognize one another.

What makes me sad is that I waited my whole life to find him. I looked for him in the eyes of everyone I encountered, for the recognition. To see in someone's eyes the light I saw in his eyes. It defies words and logic. I had relationships, lovers, "boyfriends," partners. I cared deeply for many of them and they for me. I used the word "love." But I truly loved only two of them in pure, unconditional sense - my "husband" who was killed in an accident long ago, and my sweetheart and husband to be who just passed. He was the one I had looked for in others eyes, but never saw anywhere else. But the fact that he is now gone, so soon after we found one another, is like a bad dream. That is why it is so hard for me to think that joy and hope will return. Because I know there's no more looking into others eyes hoping to find him, to see him. Because he is no longer here - and there's no other.

There are like 7.5 billion people maybe on the planet today, and I know in my bones and in my heart that there is no one there for me, because I had already found him, and now he's gone. If that makes sense.

I may meet a nice guy someday, date, and even live with him. I may love him. But, I know that my heart mate is gone from the planet, from this plane. It doesn't seem fair to even ever have another relationship, because I won't be able to give myself fully to that person. My love, at it's core, will always be with my sweetheart.

I know we can love more than one person. I know we can love the whole universe of beings. When I was pregnant with my younger, I wondered how I could ever love this new baby like I loved my older son. I loved my son so much, so deeply, that I wondered how I could have enough love for the new child. I know it sounds odd, but I wondered. And then when my little one was born, I thought - wow - the love is like an endless ocean. I could love them both, and it was measureless an unending.

But a heart mate? Only one. I know it doesn't make sense with the whole "oneness" theme. I knew he was here on the planet in some form or another. I looked. I waited. I hoped. I lost hope, thinking I had "missed" him while I was here. And then we found one another, recognized and remembered one another. Became close friends almost instantly, became lovers and more than lovers in short order, just fell into a relationship without dating actually. Just became a couple, as it was as easy as breathing. No games, no wondering how the other felt, no uncertainty, no shyness, no uncomfortableness, ever. No need to impress or be inauthentic in any way. It was completely natural and very freeing.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Galadriel

Grief will pass. I know it will. I just don't want to get stuck in that place and not get out. That is my secret fear, to be honest. I've never gotten stuck before, as evidenced of my continued life and love and happiness. But I am a bit afraid of this one. I hope that I can ride through the storm and see the dawn.

But you are stuck forever, in true love, measured now by the pain of separation. I guess the alternative is not missing him? How menial would that be? You will always be in love and one day, together again. Presume he is 'around', watching, waiting. Maybe to dream of him and togetherness. Ah sweet, torturous love, I am so in envy…

Redecorate/rearrange your living space, paint a room or two colors you might have always wanted it/them... might sound mundane, but youll be surprized at the difference. It likely wont be easy from attached memories, but as it progresses it will become its own therapy and transition you into moving forward.

a reply to: Galadriel

I don't know about that holistic interpretation, I've never heard of it either.

A mate is a mate… such a true friendship in love, a deep fountain of love is what you have, for your husbands, children, that is so cool. Many people are incapable of this it is a truly special gift. Along with that intensity of feeling in a loving joyful way comes the feeling of loss from sudden or untimely separation. You needn't fear that though, embrace your sadness as you do your joy, both are part of love. Like two sides of the same coin.

Its okay to cry when you're sad, let it flow so it doesn't get pent up, don't feel bad because you're sad, let it wash over you and dissipate. It comes and goes subsiding over time. Two years isn't that long to be still grieving, I was sad for two years over my dog dying. People with more sensitive natures, (read that stronger, not weaker) grieve longer than others. Some people stuff their feelings, remaining in denial, thats the road to embitterment and or ill health.

Some might even go so far to suggest they are present during these times, talk to them. Say I love you so much, I miss you so much. If you can resolve the grief thing in your mind as part of the whole package of love it becomes less of a negative thing when it occurs. You don't have to fear or run from it.

Lots of people wished they had that strength of love.

As there are only so many ways to reach friends here on ATS I am using this thread to wish you a pleasant holiday and a better next year. I have sent you another PM if you are interested in reading it.

Take care.

a reply to: Galadriel

It is only a loss for a little while as you will meet again. I have lost many relatives and a really really close friend.

We only morn the people we loose because it hurts us. I know that sound obvious, but when we think of life in it's totality we may see that the pause from those we loose is painful, but not forever.
I look back at my friend and remember working with him in our early 20's at a pizza joint and doing all the things you do as you grow out of being young and start to get older. Some truly funny and good times. Sure I wish I could just call dead friends/relatives up. But that isn't possible. So I just reflect on the time I had with them and smile about the times we shared. What else are we to do?
You will start to feel better, you have done this before. I hope this passes fast, but it will get better when you are ready. Take care.

a reply to: BO XIAN

You are being very stong even though you are may feel you are not. Reaching out to us is a strength not a weakness. You are allowing others to help you.

As another poster has said, you have just about said all you need to hear, just repeat it to yourself.

Life will serve up all that we need to learn the lessesons that we set oursleves to learn before we were even born into this world.

I believe there is a passage in the bible which reads "....(person) was cast down into hell." This world we live in now is that hell. Our natural home is what christians refer to as heaven. Its a far, far better world than this one.

Know that, as you are finding now, we hummans only learn through pain and rearly do we learn through love.

This is because we are a crummy lot really. I hope that in saying this that I am not tempting you to suicide becasue that is the worst thing we can do. If we do that we will be 'cast down into hell' to expereince the same challenge again and again and again unitl we successfully over come the challenge.

I certainly dont believe you would want to came back here into this world again any more times than you absolutely need to.

To give you some inspriation, go the the TED site where there is a talk by a lady on "how to be strong in the face of adversity." It was on this ATS website in recent weeks. The lady presenter is in an identical situation to yourself.

Thank you for allowing me to help you .... if thats what I've done.