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Need some support, light and inspiration in the face of grief

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posted on May, 1 2016 @ 06:47 PM
Hello fellow ATS-ers,
I don't start threads often. I haven't posted much lately either. But I read often and have "met" some very kind, wise and supportive people here on the site over these past years.

I hesitate to even post this, as it is very personal. Please be kind... or just move on and don't post.

My beloved died six weeks ago. Unexpected. We were planning to marry soon.

I am grieving and in much pain and sorrow. I have experienced deep losses before, husband, brother, friends. All sudden.

I have always been a strong woman, fairly independent, worked myself up in my education, career, finances. Deeply spiritual, in tune with nature, the seasons, the earth and sky. Poetic, artistic, yet practical and do what I need to do to take care of my kids, who are now young adults.

Up to this point in my life, I never really felt lonely. I just like being alone a lot in nature. I meditate, I walk, I sit and read spiritual books outdoors. I write outdoors often. But without him here, without my sweetheart, I feel lonely. I feel lost.

He was a deeply spiritual person, and that is how we connected in the first place. Not religious, but keenly aware of our oneness, one consciousness.

But the reason for my post is this: I need some support.

Everyone has lost someone. Hell, I've lost several important people at young ages in my life. Much pain. But everyone loses people they love.

I am feeling like there will never be joy, bliss and a reason to be excited about living again. I think about all the things that might make me happy to wake up, feeling I have meaning and purpose, feeling I have something to look forward to -- but nothing seems to cut it.

I know grief takes time, it comes in fits and starts, it isn't smooth sailing. But I also know that I've been through loss before, and this loss is bringing the worst type of pain I've ever felt. It's so much to bear that I think that I cannot stand it.

I know somewhere deep inside me that there is reason to live life fully, reason to love others, the earth, the creatures of nature. There is reason to get up and be happy to breathe and be alive. There is reason to go on, and go on brilliantly.

I am trying to sleep well, eat healthy, walk, be with friends and family, volunteer, and focus on my job. I talk with a grief counselor. I do laugh and joke with others, I do get up and fix my hair, put on makeup, make an effort to put my best "face" forward in the world each day. But I have such a pain inside my soul. Of course, I miss him every moment, but there are times I just wonder if I will ever feel that joyfulness about this earth and life itself again.

But I'm so caught up in sorrow and grayness and fog. I can't see the way out. If you think you can beacon of light to help me find the way out, please share here.

Tell me about how you found your reasons to laugh and have a great life after tragedy. Remind me of the beauty of this world. What could I do, where could I go, what could I experience that is deep, spiritual, joyful, and would make me glad to be alive.

This is the most vulnerable I have ever been on this board and in life. But I know there are some kind folks here with loads of wisdom to share. Some of you are lurkers who no longer post regularly. I hope you will come out of "ATS retirement" and post if you remember me from past years and have something inspirational to share.

Maybe your replies will help others going through similar loss and pain.

In love and light,

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 07:08 PM
a reply to: Galadriel


Sounds like you've covered most of the bases.

It may be too soon . . . to start putting boundaries on your grieving thoughts and time. But at some point, it could be useful.

Until then . . . there may be some merit in writing in your journal such thoughts and feelings in all their rawness.

And, you could paint, sculpt, draw, sand castle . . . whatever . . . the contrasts--the dark horrible loss stuff . . . and the bright shining sparkles from the relationship. Both will ultimately impact who you are even now becoming.

And, there are times to be alone--maybe too many for comfort.

However, there are probably times, also, when you may well need to FORCE yourself to connect with other living, kind souls--whether your adult children or neighbors or book club members or even well known shopkeepers and clerks. Or, perhaps folks in old folks' homes who are also grieving and could support you in yours as you support them in theirs.

And, sometimes in some of my long dark nights of the soul . . . I HAD to FORCE myself to go out of my way to do kind loving things for folks who'd have no way to repay me. It was incredibly redemptive and encouraging to do that even though initially I had to force a given trip or action to do so.

I hope you have a dog or maybe a cat. Or maybe could borrow one.

I'm NOT one to say to someone grieving--"OK, stop crying. Buck up now. Get on with your life." Nope. Not me.

Those things can come when they come. Until then, cry buckets if that's what flows. Evidently some poisons leave the body with tears that don't leave nay other way.

Be kind to yourself about all the things you are doing right.

Be kind to yourself period.

Do you have another friend or maybe one of your children that you can be really vulnerable and candid with? Force yourself to be so at least once a week or so. Quit rationalizing that you don't want to trouble their lives. They may have a need to fill that role in your ultra competent life.

When I say "force yourself" I don't mean in some sort of harsh, heavy handed way. I mean in a firm, kindly way that one might 'force' a young child to take another step or to tie their own shoe laces after repeated demonstrations.

Anyway--please keep us posted.

Pulling for you.

BTW, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE your screen-name. It's one of my favorite things from Tolkien.

edit on 1/5/2016 by BO XIAN because: added

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 07:35 PM
when my grand dad and dad died within 30 days of each other, and an uncle died 2 weeks before, my mom (who was always a rock for everyone) was in a similar gray fog.

i can't offer you much, but i can say that 'this, too, shall pass". Not the memories and fondness you hold those memories in....but the gray fog of sorrow. It'll pass. It'll take awhile, a long while, but it will.

Until then, make BTS a home. Join us here. Or find a support group (thats what helped my mom, as she found another group where she could provide support to molestation victims, using her own experiences to touch people positively)

Im sorry to hear about this. I've seen you around for years, and you are good people.

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 08:05 PM
a reply to: Galadriel

Ouch -

Go with the flow. Grief is a process. It involves shock, disbelief, helplessness, rage, acceptance and sometimes forgiveness. All the while, hollowed-out hurt heartsore.

You know it will get easier, sap less of your energy.

The love you shared will never die. When your grief is spent, you will look back and know love held you through the storm to peace.

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 08:12 PM
a reply to: Galadriel

I am feeling like there will never be joy, bliss and a reason to be excited about living again

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Galadriel, my heart goes out to you.

You described how many loved ones you've lost in your life, and yet joy found its way to you when you connected with this wonderful man that fell into your lap.

And joy will find its way back to you again one day.

It always finds its way back to us eventually.


You just have to keep reminding yourself of that.

edit on 1-5-2016 by CranialSponge because: (no reason given)

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 08:18 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. You are living my worst nightmare.

I don't know if this might help. It seems lame in comparison. We spent some time in Yugoslavia, just at the cusp of the war. But before the war, when things were tense but as strangers we couldn't tell. We just felt alone there. There were only 5 Americans in our city and being American just wasn't enough to fill the void.

One day, we met a visiting couple from America and we four hit it off and were like children, best friends, for an entire week. What stood out to me was that I had never met such a happy person before as this young woman was. Her name was Molly. And once, when we were washing dishes, she mentioned "before my Dad's suicide..." ...I didn't hear how she finished that sentence. My head was still trying to make sense of what I had just heard her say.

Now, I was so uncomfortable in that moment, that I just listened to the rest of what she said, when I was able to get out of my own head. But inside, I was silent and confused and continued to be uncomfortable. I looked at her to see if I could see something different, as if this new revelation had somehow changed her, but she was the same sweet wonderful Molly. And then they returned to the States, and that was that.

A year later, my own mother committed suicide. I won't go into the details as that is not my point on your thread. What I do want to share is that the one thing that gave me strength was remembering Molly. I didn't think I could ever smile again or be happy. But I knew it was possible because not only had Molly become such a happy person, but she was truly the most positive person I had met, to date. And this little inner thought, gave me hope and gave me the ability to trust that I, not only could, but I would be happy also some day.

I know that pales in comparison, but it's all I've got. If you can find a support group, go there, not that ATS is lacking in any type of support. This place is heaven on earth to me. But a support group for what you are going through will be full of "Molly's in the making." I remember going to a group for people who knew people who committed suicide. It was uncomfortable to be there, listening to their stories. Even this morning, I was still remembering a lady speaking of her son... BUT, the group was also full of people who could smile and laugh and reach out to each other and to me. And when the meetings are over, don't forget that ATS is open 24/7 and there is always someone here to talk to.

None of us know any more than you do, how you are going to get through this. But you got this far. I think that's amazing. You've gotten five weeks and six days further than I think I could. That shows how strong you are already. But strength has nothing to do with grief and the pain you are going through.

I do know that you are here, at ATS, and you have shared your story with us. That took courage and love on your part, and trust, which you already knew would not be trampled on. And the moment you hit Send, you had better believe a whole lot of people read your story. It doesn't matter that they may not reply. I said nothing to Molly, but inside I was weeping for her. You now have many people weeping inside for you, and they will continue to think about you and send you all the love and good wishes they can muster.

So, please, whatever you do, allow this energy to embrace you and comfort you and help you find your way through this.

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 08:46 PM
a reply to: Galadriel

I wish I had the magic You seek. Sadly, I do not...
After 5 funerals in 11 weeks back in '99, 4 of them Family members,
and a loved teacher of our kids, We stayed around our loved ones, and those who love Us.
After a time it got a little better.
Still hurts to think back, so I try not to.
I wish the Best for You! Keep Your head up! It will get better!!

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 08:55 PM
I am so glad you finally opened up to your ATS family my Elven Sister! They have been here for me through some of my darkest hours. You will feel a roller coaster of emotions and at different times. It's all to be expected and it's all normal. Never ever allow anyone to set time limits on how long you have to grieve. He will always be a part of you and the deep pain will come and go. For me when things weigh me down emotionally, I can only take one day at a time.

Read my signature. It is simple but means something to me.

You still have an open invitation to the shed, which is now shed 5. When you feel up to it, please join us there. Elves live there. You will feel at home in our magical kingdom. I have left the doors unlocked and the lights on for you.

You know my message box is always open.

I know that people here will help you through this and stand by your side.

Much love and light to you dear friend!

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 08:56 PM
a reply to: SyxPak
In 1987 I lost 6 people in my life on flight 255. I know how you feel!

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 09:01 PM

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 09:05 PM
a reply to: Quantum12

OMG Man! So Sorry Bud! Wow... Life is so messed up.
Why didn't 'they' program eternal life into Us?!
(Will post more tomorrow. Sadly I'm logging out for the night...)
G'Night Bro.

Good Night Galadriel...

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 09:06 PM
It's so nice to see everyone's caring responses.

You sound like a strong lady and I'm just here to reinforce some points others have already brought up.

Being surrounded by people(or a pet as someone mentioned) who need you, because they remind you that... your life has value. You mean something to them. Without you they would be sad or not get fed or the plants will die, and etc.etc.etc.

Journalling and art is a biggy (and get as dark and horror as you want, no holding back, no pretending to be strong, no acting like you feel any kind of hope, being a monster if that's where it takes you and lots of crying, etc).

I will sometimes play out the rest of my life in daydreams, with the most dramatic plots... usually focusing on revenge or revolving around self-vindication. Like what would I do if there really was no hope left for me? Well I'd maybe seek out the happiest couples I could find and stalk them and break up their relationships just for fun because if I can't have it then neither can they and also maybe I might even be a serial killer and suicide at the end, but I wouldn't go quietly in the night so I'd have to plan it out in such a way that my death would gain as much attention as I could hope to attain so I could successfully traumatize the world with my loss, etc.

I once wrote a novel once doing this very thing... that's a fifty thousand word count daydream, lol. It's really quite therapeutic and I realize it's not for everyone but if you enjoy writing... it's something. The end (finally getting your revenge) is what pulled me through all fifty thousand words. I couldn't stop until I reached the end. And I think from what I've read here, you've got a knack for writing. Also, part of my writing about things is kind of a revenge in itself, like getting back at the world for what it did to me... and I share my writings with family and friends and complete strangers, too. Unpublished right now but it's a small goal. I do want to leave some things behind for my family.

Also... remembering the times you felt anything like this before and realizing that you not only survived those moments but the joy of life came back after those times, too, is so key. Like someone else already pointed out, it's brilliant though. You know you got through it before and so... you'll get through it this time, too.

Thank you for sharing part of yourself here, I hope you feel better soon!

ps: someone else mentioned this also but I think it's so important. I have to literally set aside times to feel bad and sad. For example: Tuesday I'm allowed to feel bad because nobody is really around then and I'm not needed(and I'll look forward to Tuesday in some sick way, lol) but Friday I have a family event so I can't be sad on Friday. But Saturday I can stay in bed all day if I want to and cry and that's probably exactly what I'll do (I can't wait). Then Sunday I have to go to church so I'm not allowed to feel bad for at least half that day, and etc. It's pretty wild but this is kind of how I operate to this very day, since I'm still going through stuff myself.
edit on 1-5-2016 by geezlouise because: (no reason given)

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 09:43 PM
Dear Galadriel,
I can't begin to express how sorry I am for your loss - my heart aches for you..

This may not help, but I feel 'compelled' (in the 'spiritual' sense) to suggest that you read the book, "A Grief Observed", by C.S. Lewis...

...please don't let the fact that Lewis was Christian turn you off - he was the loving kind of Christian, not the judgmental kind...

...the book was actually a journal he had kept after the death of his wife -

- as he struggled with terrible grief and sorrow, while trying to come to terms with feeling no sense of comfort from the loving God he believed in.

I know how hard it is to bear the 'darkness' you feel, and that you are desperate for the pain of it to be over -
- but six weeks (though it may feel an eternity) just isn't enough time for such grief to resolve.

Like you, I am a very spiritual person - and though not 'religious', I do find value in the writings of some people who are 'religious' (did you know that Tolkien was a staunch Catholic?)...

...C.S. Lewis is one of the few 'Christian' authors that I have liked, and I pray that reading his journal will not only help you in your grief 'process' -

- but that it will also help you reach a point (as he does in the end) where you begin to see 'light' breaking through with a glimmer of approaching hope.

edit on 1-5-2016 by lostgirl because: grammar

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 10:00 PM
a reply to: Galadriel

You're brave for reaching out to us, that's the 1st hurdle jumped already.
I'm sorry for your loss, I too have lost the most important people to me. I used to (like you) feel like a victim, why me!?!? But I got fed up with being the victim, I chose to face my fear and be there for others. I lost my mum, my last partner, and 2 course friends to cancer. Now I volunteer at Macmillan cancer hospital, and have learnt how to be there for people who are about to die.
Don't get me wrong it's really tough, and I still question myself if I'm reallt strong enough. But at least now I am facing what has hurt me most, and I don't feel like a victim any more, my priority is to help people in the same position as my nearest and dearest.
It might not be for you, but please consider giving your care and support to others that need it.

Good luck with anything you choose, the pain doesn't go away I'm afraid, but it does get easier to deal with.

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 11:06 PM
Step 1. Do not live in Grief.
Step 2. Move on. Be sane.

posted on May, 1 2016 @ 11:58 PM
a reply to: Galadriel

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and sorrow.Some people have really more than their fair share of heartache in this life.I don't even know what to say,please just know that as i write this i am sending you a huge big hug.My sympathy from my heart,i shall be thinking of you.

posted on May, 2 2016 @ 12:53 AM
It's posts like these that get me wishing we humans didn't have to go through such an upsetting process. I've experienced miniscule loss compared to yours and others, but I know the day will soon come when I have to go through this myself in a big way. I just wish this didn't happen to us, even though it's a process of life and whatnot.... I can't exactly say you will get through this, it's a 50/50 chance, but I really hope you do.
edit on 2-5-2016 by DarkestConspiracyMoon because: (no reason given)

posted on May, 2 2016 @ 01:49 AM
Sending positive vibes your way. First off always remember they are with you. Comfort during the grievance process is very crucial, hope the comments can help and make sure you stay in contact with those who are close to you for that.

I've made a of things that my loved one wanted to do and have fulfilled some already. It may be difficult at first but relive a special memory the best you can(view pictures to even revisit a place) that you both had together. Maybe take a journey to a location you both had wanted to go but didn't get around to.

Sorry, I don't have much more as I'm still dealing with a loss I've recently been alerted to and in the grieving process myself-more so worried about other family involved than myself.


posted on May, 2 2016 @ 03:15 AM
Try not to be too hard on yourself and don't have any expectations as to how long the grieving process 'should' take. Or what form it should take.

Go through it - don't try to get over it.

My last loss was nearly five years ago and I found that it helped a lot to write everything down. It's still heart-rending to read.

But, I also tried to stay strong and keep myself together. I hardly cried because I felt that if I started it would never stop.

Now, all this time later I'm holding back those tears as I write. They're still there, waiting to be shed.

If you feel the need to, get yours out. They will be a release.

posted on May, 2 2016 @ 05:56 AM
a reply to: Galadriel
There's so little I can really offer to help you, because this is such a deeply personal thing. All I can really say is that he will always be with you, within your mind and being. Can you find a way to take the memories you have of your times together and even use them to add to your daily life now? Include him in your life, still, but in a nearly mystical way? Maybe that could help.

I am already having to do something like that, because my wife of more than 20 years is dying from a brain disease. It moves slowly but inexorably, so that while she is still with me and we are together every day, her real inner self is practically gone, except for very brief glimpses that sometimes shine through for a few moments, like moonbeams through the mist.

More and more, I need to think of her as she was, as her mind and spirit was, rather than as she physically is now. My love for her does not change, but I grieve for her every day. For what has gone and will not return. So, the only way I can manage is to by holding on to those memories, even as she slowly fades further and further away.

I find this helps a little, but sharing with others and allowing the grief to come out also helps. You are doing that now and it is the right thing for you to do.


PS: please feel free to PM me any time.

edit on 2/5/16 by JustMike because: (no reason given)

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