posted on May, 1 2016 @ 06:47 PM
Hello fellow ATS-ers,
I don't start threads often. I haven't posted much lately either. But I read often and have "met" some very kind, wise and supportive people here
on the site over these past years.
I hesitate to even post this, as it is very personal. Please be kind... or just move on and don't post.
My beloved died six weeks ago. Unexpected. We were planning to marry soon.
I am grieving and in much pain and sorrow. I have experienced deep losses before, husband, brother, friends. All sudden.
I have always been a strong woman, fairly independent, worked myself up in my education, career, finances. Deeply spiritual, in tune with nature, the
seasons, the earth and sky. Poetic, artistic, yet practical and do what I need to do to take care of my kids, who are now young adults.
Up to this point in my life, I never really felt lonely. I just like being alone a lot in nature. I meditate, I walk, I sit and read spiritual books
outdoors. I write outdoors often. But without him here, without my sweetheart, I feel lonely. I feel lost.
He was a deeply spiritual person, and that is how we connected in the first place. Not religious, but keenly aware of our oneness, one consciousness.
But the reason for my post is this: I need some support.
Everyone has lost someone. Hell, I've lost several important people at young ages in my life. Much pain. But everyone loses people they love.
I am feeling like there will never be joy, bliss and a reason to be excited about living again. I think about all the things that might make me happy
to wake up, feeling I have meaning and purpose, feeling I have something to look forward to -- but nothing seems to cut it.
I know grief takes time, it comes in fits and starts, it isn't smooth sailing. But I also know that I've been through loss before, and this loss is
bringing the worst type of pain I've ever felt. It's so much to bear that I think that I cannot stand it.
I know somewhere deep inside me that there is reason to live life fully, reason to love others, the earth, the creatures of nature. There is reason to
get up and be happy to breathe and be alive. There is reason to go on, and go on brilliantly.
I am trying to sleep well, eat healthy, walk, be with friends and family, volunteer, and focus on my job. I talk with a grief counselor. I do laugh
and joke with others, I do get up and fix my hair, put on makeup, make an effort to put my best "face" forward in the world each day. But I have
such a pain inside my soul. Of course, I miss him every moment, but there are times I just wonder if I will ever feel that joyfulness about this earth
and life itself again.
But I'm so caught up in sorrow and grayness and fog. I can't see the way out. If you think you can beacon of light to help me find the way out,
please share here.
Tell me about how you found your reasons to laugh and have a great life after tragedy. Remind me of the beauty of this world. What could I do, where
could I go, what could I experience that is deep, spiritual, joyful, and would make me glad to be alive.
This is the most vulnerable I have ever been on this board and in life. But I know there are some kind folks here with loads of wisdom to share. Some
of you are lurkers who no longer post regularly. I hope you will come out of "ATS retirement" and post if you remember me from past years and have
something inspirational to share.
Maybe your replies will help others going through similar loss and pain.
In love and light,