Need some support, light and inspiration in the face of grief

a reply to: Galadriel

Tell me about how you found your reasons to laugh and have a great life after tragedy. Remind me of the beauty of this world. What could I do, where could I go, what could I experience that is deep, spiritual, joyful, and would make me glad to be alive.

We can't Its your path not ours. I can tell you this, it will diminish. Grief will pass. Different for different people, don;t fight that you can't feel happy right now. The strength of your grief and unhappiness shows how strong your love was is. As we grow we become ever deeper in our ties with others and feel the loss more.

So be glad you're sad, if that makes any sense.

a reply to: Galadriel

Do you remember the feeling you had when you first realized you were in love with the person you were with?
It's an amazing feeling and better than any drug could ever be. As long as you have a breath, you can experience that again. Don't loose sight of that fact.

hidden in the words of a song, is the key to it all.

Troubles will come, and they will pass.

When they pass, you can start to live again, and when you do, that person who needs you will show up, just be sure you are able to recognize them.

a reply to: Galadriel

My very deepest condolences first. Things just don't seem to make much sense some times. For what it is, I offer many hugs and and open line of communication! If you ever need to talk about anything!

I've always appreciated your posts here, your point of view on this world, and it saddens me to hear you are going through this.

Grief is a terrible monster some days. My suggestion to you would be to travel somewhere. Changing your scenery, even briefly, can often help. We just got back from a two week trip for just that reason. It has performed wonders. Maybe just stepping away from where you spent time together can give your soul a breather from the reminders. It seems rough, but placing reminders in a safe place out of immediate view might help too. Go see something pretty instead, that was my order from my doc that sent us out of state. I will even offer my little spare bedroom to you, I'm in Alaska, anything to change the patterns.

I'm personally also dealing with the after effects of grief compiled with more. Please find someone to talk to! I'm still trying to figure this out five years later. Don't let it fester and take over your living, because that's what you still have to do is live. That means finding something in this life to entice and interest you. Find joy somewhere, however fleeting. Don't just go through the motions. We know what people expect of us and we somehow find a way to accomplish just enough on auto pilot to get by. The thing is that you deserve better than auto pilot. Six weeks out I'm sure you will need that ability plenty of days, but you still deserve better. Take the time you need to grieve your own way, don't feel bad about that either. Just know that there is still so much beauty in the world for you to enjoy, he would want you to I'm sure.

I'm not kidding either about the invitation. It's even getting pretty here. We are even a full month ahead of things as far as summer staring goes. The trees are green and the birds are coming back, I even found a crocus yesterday.
Many many hugs to you sweetheart! I truly wish you the best in this world.

BO XIAN,
Thank you for your response. AAAARRRGGHHH and Sigh is my everyday it seems.

You mentioned writing, journaling, and my friends have told me that as well. I think it was too raw and I was in shock at first. Now I think I want to, so maybe it's time to get a big fat book and a smooth pen and sit outside to write, to savor the memories and to write out the pain.

Art is in my soul, and my high school dreams were to go to art school. I think that our love of nature and the earth can translate into eco-art, which I have longed to pursue. Maybe now is the time. I can honor our time spent in the woods and meadows with art reflective of the patterns and textures and light of nature all around us. That resonates. Thank you.

I have been thinking about getting a dog, as you mentioned, because I have always wanted one and never did adopt one because I work long hours. Still do. But I think a dog to go for walks in the forest with so I don't have to be alone without him would be good. I love cats, always have had one or two, but since my last two died of illness and age, I didn't have the heart to "replace" them. First time I've been "petless" and it's hard.

One of my sons lives at home, so I am not truly alone. My parents are still alive and kicking and live five minutes from me, so I am lucky. And I have a few very close friends who have been there for me - but they have lives and families to tend to.

I am forcing myself to make plans to walk with friends, meet for tea, coffee or dinner, and to volunteer. I am reaching out to acquaintances also - to make more plans to connect. As I said, I've kinda been a bit of a loner but have never felt alone or lonely. Enjoy tranquility, the woods, the water, reading, writing, meditating, exercising, walking. My sweetheart, he was a loner too, so we didn't have to talk or we'd talk our heads off -- no matter what, we were at peace with one another every moment. I miss that.

I've had my son and my mother both sort of tell me to "buck it up" so to speak. That's been a hard thing to hear. Six weeks is long and short, depending on how I'm feeling. Hard to buck it up.

Thank you.

originally posted by: BO XIAN
a reply to: Galadriel

WOW!!! THUD! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Sigh.

Sounds like you've covered most of the bases.

It may be too soon . . . to start putting boundaries on your grieving thoughts and time. But at some point, it could be useful.

Until then . . . there may be some merit in writing in your journal such thoughts and feelings in all their rawness.

And, you could paint, sculpt, draw, sand castle . . . whatever . . . the contrasts--the dark horrible loss stuff . . . and the bright shining sparkles from the relationship. Both will ultimately impact who you are even now becoming.

And, there are times to be alone--maybe too many for comfort.

However, there are probably times, also, when you may well need to FORCE yourself to connect with other living, kind souls--whether your adult children or neighbors or book club members or even well known shopkeepers and clerks. Or, perhaps folks in old folks' homes who are also grieving and could support you in yours as you support them in theirs.

And, sometimes in some of my long dark nights of the soul . . . I HAD to FORCE myself to go out of my way to do kind loving things for folks who'd have no way to repay me. It was incredibly redemptive and encouraging to do that even though initially I had to force a given trip or action to do so.

I hope you have a dog or maybe a cat. Or maybe could borrow one.

I'm NOT one to say to someone grieving--"OK, stop crying. Buck up now. Get on with your life." Nope. Not me.

Those things can come when they come. Until then, cry buckets if that's what flows. Evidently some poisons leave the body with tears that don't leave nay other way.

Be kind to yourself about all the things you are doing right.

Be kind to yourself period.

Do you have another friend or maybe one of your children that you can be really vulnerable and candid with? Force yourself to be so at least once a week or so. Quit rationalizing that you don't want to trouble their lives. They may have a need to fill that role in your ultra competent life.

When I say "force yourself" I don't mean in some sort of harsh, heavy handed way. I mean in a firm, kindly way that one might 'force' a young child to take another step or to tie their own shoe laces after repeated demonstrations.

Anyway--please keep us posted.

Pulling for you.

BTW, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE your screen-name. It's one of my favorite things from Tolkien.

Dear BFFT --
I have read your posts for some time, my friend. Thank you for your response.

"This too shall pass" is a mantra of mine since I was a kid and my little brother puked on me in the backseat of the car. I thought I was going to throw up or scream, because as a kid of about nine, vomit was way too much to handle! But this grown up voice in my head said, "This too shall pass" -- and I was able to breathe through it and I decided that it was my mantra. It has helped me through many tough times - very big, nasty things that happened to me or my family. Thank you for the reminder.

I wanted to sign up for a spring grief support group, but was told I had to wait three months. I guess they don't want fresh grievers in the group, too raw maybe? I hope to go in summer, if I feel the need.

Your mom sounds like an extraordinary woman to walk through the other side of such losses. Thank you so much for sharing.

Today was actually foggy where I live. I drove through it, wondering why the fog comes in our lives. Maybe it is a blessing, not a curse. Maybe it takes the sharp edges off of everything so the pain is less than what it could be if we saw in every direction. What I think is grey fog of pain, maybe it's a grey blanket that muffles the pain that I could not even imagine?

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
when my grand dad and dad died within 30 days of each other, and an uncle died 2 weeks before, my mom (who was always a rock for everyone) was in a similar gray fog.

i can't offer you much, but i can say that 'this, too, shall pass". Not the memories and fondness you hold those memories in....but the gray fog of sorrow. It'll pass. It'll take awhile, a long while, but it will.

Until then, make BTS a home. Join us here. Or find a support group (thats what helped my mom, as she found another group where she could provide support to molestation victims, using her own experiences to touch people positively)

Im sorry to hear about this. I've seen you around for years, and you are good people.

Teapot --
"hollowed-out hurt heartsore" -- a brilliant description.

I do know, as you said, that it will get easier. I know this. And I hold on to this. Some moments, I don't believe it, but I still know it, if that makes sense. I just can't feel it in those moments. My heart hurts, and I can't feel it.

There is some drama with his family members, so it is also adding to my stress. Death seems to bring out the worst in some people and their behavior. Wounds, anger, resentment, pain -- they come out. I find it hard to understand that. But it is so for others I suppose.


Thank you for that beautiful thought: When your grief is spent, you will look back and know love held you through the storm to peace.

originally posted by: teapot
a reply to: Galadriel

Ouch -

Go with the flow. Grief is a process. It involves shock, disbelief, helplessness, rage, acceptance and sometimes forgiveness. All the while, hollowed-out hurt heartsore.

You know it will get easier, sap less of your energy.

The love you shared will never die. When your grief is spent, you will look back and know love held you through the storm to peace.

CranialSponge - I love your posts. Thank you.

You are right. I lost my dear sweetheart in 1998 in a motorcycle accident on a beautiful summer evening. I howled like a lone wolf, literally howled when I cried. But I had to go on and take care of my kids who were hurting so much. I stuffed that grief down deep and it would jump out unexpectedly, and it did so for years.

And then, after so much time, I meet an even more lovely sweetheart, one who was so incredibly kind, supportive, brilliantly smart, fun and funny, romantic and my best friend. And handsome, beautiful. We didn't have a lot of time together, but the time we had was so much fun and blissful. I never dreamed that a relationship could be so easy and so without drama. Just authentic, true, honest love and support. I think that's why it hurts so much. I can't imagine that will ever be the case again in this life. Some people never find what we had.

But you are right. Joy did find me. I may not find joy in a relationship like that again. But I have to hang on to the belief that joy in living and creativity and in giving compassionately to others will grace me with its presence once again.

originally posted by: CranialSponge
a reply to: Galadriel

I am feeling like there will never be joy, bliss and a reason to be excited about living again

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Galadriel, my heart goes out to you.

You described how many loved ones you've lost in your life, and yet joy found its way to you when you connected with this wonderful man that fell into your lap.

And joy will find its way back to you again one day.

It always finds its way back to us eventually.

Always.


You just have to keep reminding yourself of that.

ClownFish,
Your story is incredibly moving and touching. Thank you for having the strength and love to share it with me and with others. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

I lost a very dear friend to suicide, and had another friend's husband do the same. I almost lost my older son to suicide as well. One of my closest friends who is supporting me through all of this has rushed her husband to emergency several times with suicide attempts due to severe depression. The strength of the human spirit is amazing in those left behind.

By sharing the story of Molly, Molly will stay in my mind now for always. Little does she know that strangers she will never meet will think of her positivity after such a mind-numbing loss, and gain strength.

Thank you for sharing such a difficult story.

Galadriel

originally posted by: ClownFish
I am so sorry for your loss. You are living my worst nightmare.

I don't know if this might help. It seems lame in comparison. We spent some time in Yugoslavia, just at the cusp of the war. But before the war, when things were tense but as strangers we couldn't tell. We just felt alone there. There were only 5 Americans in our city and being American just wasn't enough to fill the void.

One day, we met a visiting couple from America and we four hit it off and were like children, best friends, for an entire week. What stood out to me was that I had never met such a happy person before as this young woman was. Her name was Molly. And once, when we were washing dishes, she mentioned "before my Dad's suicide..." ...I didn't hear how she finished that sentence. My head was still trying to make sense of what I had just heard her say.

Now, I was so uncomfortable in that moment, that I just listened to the rest of what she said, when I was able to get out of my own head. But inside, I was silent and confused and continued to be uncomfortable. I looked at her to see if I could see something different, as if this new revelation had somehow changed her, but she was the same sweet wonderful Molly. And then they returned to the States, and that was that.

A year later, my own mother committed suicide. I won't go into the details as that is not my point on your thread. What I do want to share is that the one thing that gave me strength was remembering Molly. I didn't think I could ever smile again or be happy. But I knew it was possible because not only had Molly become such a happy person, but she was truly the most positive person I had met, to date. And this little inner thought, gave me hope and gave me the ability to trust that I, not only could, but I would be happy also some day.

I know that pales in comparison, but it's all I've got. If you can find a support group, go there, not that ATS is lacking in any type of support. This place is heaven on earth to me. But a support group for what you are going through will be full of "Molly's in the making." I remember going to a group for people who knew people who committed suicide. It was uncomfortable to be there, listening to their stories. Even this morning, I was still remembering a lady speaking of her son... BUT, the group was also full of people who could smile and laugh and reach out to each other and to me. And when the meetings are over, don't forget that ATS is open 24/7 and there is always someone here to talk to.

None of us know any more than you do, how you are going to get through this. But you got this far. I think that's amazing. You've gotten five weeks and six days further than I think I could. That shows how strong you are already. But strength has nothing to do with grief and the pain you are going through.

I do know that you are here, at ATS, and you have shared your story with us. That took courage and love on your part, and trust, which you already knew would not be trampled on. And the moment you hit Send, you had better believe a whole lot of people read your story. It doesn't matter that they may not reply. I said nothing to Molly, but inside I was weeping for her. You now have many people weeping inside for you, and they will continue to think about you and send you all the love and good wishes they can muster.

So, please, whatever you do, allow this energy to embrace you and comfort you and help you find your way through this.

SyxPak,
I cannot fathom the amount of pain you walked through that year and beyond. I don't know that I would have the strength to keep getting back up. You found a way.

My other sweetheart, he died in 1998, and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, and sometimes I am in disbelief about his passing. Time is strange when it comes to our loved ones who have passed on. Just when I think I am in a really good place about his death and life, something will surprise me and I will be troubled by the what ifs -- what if I had done one thing differently, maybe he would be alive today.

Same thing is happening for my love, my beloved. I think, what if I had done this or that, been more alert about his symptoms that seemed innocent enough and explainable. What if I had insisted and gotten mad about his lack of urgency around seeing a doctor for his vague complaints.

But I told him I loved him, forever and always, over and over. I told him that I loved him unconditionally, completely. I told him that he was incredible, that there was nobody like him. I am so glad I had been able to be so vocal about my feelings and what he meant to me, and he was able to express his feelings about being with me. We were both almost completely amazed that the universe brought us together. It may sound a little corny, but it was the deepest kind of love. I know I am incredibly blessed to have had that experience.

Thank you and you are indeed a beacon of light.

originally posted by: SyxPak
a reply to: Galadriel

I wish I had the magic You seek. Sadly, I do not...
After 5 funerals in 11 weeks back in '99, 4 of them Family members,
and a loved teacher of our kids, We stayed around our loved ones, and those who love Us.
After a time it got a little better.
Still hurts to think back, so I try not to.
I wish the Best for You! Keep Your head up! It will get better!!

Hi my Elven Sister and Dear Friend,

You told me to reach out to our ATS family, and I was hesitant to do so. But for some reason, the six-week mark just made me completely fall down from any hill I thought I had taken in this "battle" with pain.

My thread post was my attempt at reaching across the web, literally via ATS site, and spiritually across our connected spirits. I may not feel connected to anything at the moment, but I still know that I am and we all are. I just want to feel those connections fully again.

You have personally helped me on this "roller coaster" of emotions. I am forever in your debt, truly.

Galadriel

originally posted by: Night Star
I am so glad you finally opened up to your ATS family my Elven Sister! They have been here for me through some of my darkest hours. You will feel a roller coaster of emotions and at different times. It's all to be expected and it's all normal. Never ever allow anyone to set time limits on how long you have to grieve. He will always be a part of you and the deep pain will come and go. For me when things weigh me down emotionally, I can only take one day at a time.

Read my signature. It is simple but means something to me.

You still have an open invitation to the shed, which is now shed 5. When you feel up to it, please join us there. Elves live there. You will feel at home in our magical kingdom. I have left the doors unlocked and the lights on for you.

You know my message box is always open.

I know that people here will help you through this and stand by your side.

Much love and light to you dear friend!

a reply to: Galadriel
I don't know what to say. Sorry doesn't seem to be enough. You will get through this. It will take time. The pain never fully goes away but it does lessen.

ccbears...
The "little steps" you speak of, I can't imagine how you were able to take them, given all the losses in a row that you experienced. Your personal losses, so much, too much, for one person, one family to bear, yet you all did somehow. Your mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa -- I am so sorry that you had to experience that without time to grieve deeply for each one. Such a traumatic time. You must have angels or guides or some strong sense of joy that sustained you.

Thank you very much for your response to me in my time of need. Take care.
Galadriel

originally posted by: ccbears
I SO KNOW HOW YOU ARE FEELING..LOSING A LOVED ONE..ITS VERY HARD...BUT YOU HAVE TO GO FORWARD AND TAKE LITTLE STEPS YOU CAN GET THROUGH ALL THIS..MINE ALL START IN MAR OF 99 TEACHER,THEN MY MOM IN APRIL,THEN MY GRANDMA IN MAY,MY DAD IN JUNE AND THE DAY WE PUT MY DAD TO REST SYX GRANDPA PASSED AWAY IN JULY...I SO COULDNT GET OVER ONE THEN ANOTHER ONE..I COULDNT HANDLE MUCH MORE...BUT I HAD TO FOR MY FAMILY AND HUSBAND...IT WAS HARD..BUT IF I CAN DO IT I SO KNOW YOU CAN...I DONT THINK I EVER MEET YOU BEFORE BUT I AM SO SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSE...KEEP YOUR HEAD TOGETHER..TAKE CARE...

a reply to: Galadriel

I was just logging out and saw that You just replied! Glad I caught it now!

You are most Welcome!

DO NOT DO THE WHAT IF'S!!! Please!!!
You will beat Yourself up, and still be in pain.
Been there, done that over several other issues in the past, and it did no good. It didn't change the outcomes, that had already happened, so Please, do not go there!! Just a little advice from a beat up, worn out ole Dragon... LOL!!

Just hang in there. And cherish the memories of that great Love You shared. It sounded amazing!!
The stuff of top selling books, and block buster movies!

Do hold on Galadriel! Believe Me, it will get a little easier.
And that's better than not any easier at all, in My book anyway.
I have decided to settle for that...

If You want to, or Need to, just U2U Me. My inbox is open for You.
Or maybe better yet, drop a line to CCBears, My wife here.
She lost more than I did that year...
Syx...

geezlouise,

First, thank you for your thoughtful response.

I agree about the art -- and the pets. I mentioned earlier in another post that I've been tossing around the idea of getting a shelter dog, who will rescue me far more than I will rescue him/her.

I recently looked into volunteering for an art therapy nonprofit. While I am not sure I have the time to do two volunteer activities with my job and other things, I do believe strongly in art as therapy for physical and emotional (and spiritual) issues. I have always loved art and wanted to pursue it as my career. I put it away in a quiet place inside me, and perhaps it's time to let it back out again into the light of day. My sweetheart loved art, loved Monet (as do I), loved writing and poetry and great, romantic old films, loved music, and adored photography (was excellent at it). I would like to pursue photography as well, having been at his side as he pursued his art.

I went to a grief counselor who helped me through my other losses. She said exactly what you spoke of -- to set aside "grieving time" -- to tell myself, when I'm at work, I work. When I'm exercising or walking or shopping, I am doing those things. But when it's okay to cry, then I can cry, or feel sad or mad or empty. But to compartmentalize it and to give it a set time, and then move on. But not to bottle it up or put on a brave front.

Thank you!

originally posted by: geezlouise
It's so nice to see everyone's caring responses.

You sound like a strong lady and I'm just here to reinforce some points others have already brought up.

Being surrounded by people(or a pet as someone mentioned) who need you, because they remind you that... your life has value. You mean something to them. Without you they would be sad or not get fed or the plants will die, and etc.etc.etc.

Journalling and art is a biggy (and get as dark and horror as you want, no holding back, no pretending to be strong, no acting like you feel any kind of hope, being a monster if that's where it takes you and lots of crying, etc).

I will sometimes play out the rest of my life in daydreams, with the most dramatic plots... usually focusing on revenge or revolving around self-vindication. Like what would I do if there really was no hope left for me? Well I'd maybe seek out the happiest couples I could find and stalk them and break up their relationships just for fun because if I can't have it then neither can they and also maybe I might even be a serial killer and suicide at the end, but I wouldn't go quietly in the night so I'd have to plan it out in such a way that my death would gain as much attention as I could hope to attain so I could successfully traumatize the world with my loss, etc.

I once wrote a novel once doing this very thing... that's a fifty thousand word count daydream, lol. It's really quite therapeutic and I realize it's not for everyone but if you enjoy writing... it's something. The end (finally getting your revenge) is what pulled me through all fifty thousand words. I couldn't stop until I reached the end. And I think from what I've read here, you've got a knack for writing. Also, part of my writing about things is kind of a revenge in itself, like getting back at the world for what it did to me... and I share my writings with family and friends and complete strangers, too. Unpublished right now but it's a small goal. I do want to leave some things behind for my family.

Also... remembering the times you felt anything like this before and realizing that you not only survived those moments but the joy of life came back after those times, too, is so key. Like someone else already pointed out, it's brilliant though. You know you got through it before and so... you'll get through it this time, too.

Thank you for sharing part of yourself here, I hope you feel better soon!

ps: someone else mentioned this also but I think it's so important. I have to literally set aside times to feel bad and sad. For example: Tuesday I'm allowed to feel bad because nobody is really around then and I'm not needed(and I'll look forward to Tuesday in some sick way, lol) but Friday I have a family event so I can't be sad on Friday. But Saturday I can stay in bed all day if I want to and cry and that's probably exactly what I'll do (I can't wait). Then Sunday I have to go to church so I'm not allowed to feel bad for at least half that day, and etc. It's pretty wild but this is kind of how I operate to this very day, since I'm still going through stuff myself.

Dearn lostgirl,
Funny, I feel like your name - "lost girl" -- although I am not quite a girl anymore, I feel like a lost girl. Not quite like a "grown up" at the moment. Just a small, wee frail bit of dandelion seed being tossed about on the wind. That's how I feel.

Thank you for sharing about the C.S. Lewis book. I will most definitely seek it out. I know about the "compelled" feeling - I've followed my intuition and gut feelings throughout my life. I have even had a book literally fall off the library shelf for no apparent reason at my feet, a long time ago after my first sweetheart died. It was Grandfather, by Tom Brown.

I have always had license plates and bumper stickers and signs appear in front of me at just the right moment when I was deep in meditation or thought, as well as signs or symbols in nature, just when I needed guidance or hope.

Haven't had much in the way of that since his death. Which is hard for me. But I was driving to the beach to walk and meditate the Sunday before last, and I came up to a van with a flurry of bumper stickers all over the back end. I saw Life is Precious. Life. Stay Alive. Life is Beautiful. This came after I had just had thoughts about what is the point of living for me now. I smiled. And then the next car over had the license plate "Nazir" which struck me as important somehow. Later that evening I looked it up. It said that it means: Luminously beautiful; observer. Which stunned me, as I called my sweetheart, "my beloved, my beautiful one" and he always said he was an Observer of this world, this dream. Observing his form, the Maya, aware of the illusion. Maybe it is just all a coincidence or meaningless, but at that moment, I felt he was there.

I knew about Tolkien and CS Lewis and their religious background. Their work and writings are beautiful. Thank you.

originally posted by: lostgirl
Dear Galadriel,
I can't begin to express how sorry I am for your loss - my heart aches for you..

This may not help, but I feel 'compelled' (in the 'spiritual' sense) to suggest that you read the book, "A Grief Observed", by C.S. Lewis...

...please don't let the fact that Lewis was Christian turn you off - he was the loving kind of Christian, not the judgmental kind...

...the book was actually a journal he had kept after the death of his wife -

- as he struggled with terrible grief and sorrow, while trying to come to terms with feeling no sense of comfort from the loving God he believed in.

I know how hard it is to bear the 'darkness' you feel, and that you are desperate for the pain of it to be over -
- but six weeks (though it may feel an eternity) just isn't enough time for such grief to resolve.

Like you, I am a very spiritual person - and though not 'religious', I do find value in the writings of some people who are 'religious' (did you know that Tolkien was a staunch Catholic?)...


...C.S. Lewis is one of the few 'Christian' authors that I have liked, and I pray that reading his journal will not only help you in your grief 'process' -

- but that it will also help you reach a point (as he does in the end) where you begin to see 'light' breaking through with a glimmer of approaching hope.

Hi OpenEars...

I do not wish to feel like a victim. I feel that victimhood is a cop-out, an excuse, a way of blaming the universe or God or others. But I probably sound like I am wallowing as a victim. I apologize if I do come across that way.

I think with shock and open wounds, it is easy to say "woe is me." I know, and I keep telling myself, just as Siddhartha set out beyond the palace walls to see that death and illness and pain come to everyone at some point, I, too, know that it is so for everyone. But somehow that doesn't console me or comfort me at the moment.

Part of my sadness is not just for me. It's for him, for what he wanted to do and experience still in this plane and dimension. It's for the joy he brought to many others, not just to me. It's about his art and writing and his wisdom.

While it's only been six weeks, I've already researched and reached out to a nonprofit group that supports homeless teens. I wanted to find something meaningful that would impact people in a tangible way. I commend the work you do for the cancer center. You are strong and giving.

Thank you for sharing your story here.

originally posted by: OpenEars123
a reply to: Galadriel

You're brave for reaching out to us, that's the 1st hurdle jumped already.
I'm sorry for your loss, I too have lost the most important people to me. I used to (like you) feel like a victim, why me!?!? But I got fed up with being the victim, I chose to face my fear and be there for others. I lost my mum, my last partner, and 2 course friends to cancer. Now I volunteer at Macmillan cancer hospital, and have learnt how to be there for people who are about to die.
Don't get me wrong it's really tough, and I still question myself if I'm reallt strong enough. But at least now I am facing what has hurt me most, and I don't feel like a victim any more, my priority is to help people in the same position as my nearest and dearest.
It might not be for you, but please consider giving your care and support to others that need it.

Good luck with anything you choose, the pain doesn't go away I'm afraid, but it does get easier to deal with.
X

Thank you Raxoxane. Thanks for the hug and for your thoughts. It means more than you may know. It's been a tough spell for me. You'd think I'd be used to it, but I found myself saying out loud as I cried, "everyone I love just dies on me" -- which is really a self-pity party, but I just couldn't believe this happened, again.

From what I've read thus far, there are many, just as I suspected, here on ATS who have experienced more than their fair share of heartache and losses.

originally posted by: Raxoxane
a reply to: Galadriel

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and sorrow.Some people have really more than their fair share of heartache in this life.I don't even know what to say,please just know that as i write this i am sending you a huge big hug.My sympathy from my heart,i shall be thinking of you.

Hi boozo,
Your 2-step plan here is what I am aiming for. Not live in grief, but to live in light and love and joy again, somehow. And to move on, in joy and expectation. And, of course, stay sane in the process

originally posted by: boozo
Step 1. Do not live in Grief.
Step 2. Move on. Be sane.

Dear "Moon" --
My mum and I were just talking yesterday about how odd life and death are -- seemingly so crazy and without reason and rhyme sometimes. And how crazy our lives have been, with family dramas, deaths, illnesses, troubles. It feels like we signed up to get through all our karmic debts (if you believe that way) in one lifetime.

Without death, we wouldn't know life. Life is precious. My motto now is -- The purpose of life is to live.

I just gotta get myself to a place where I believe that wholeheartedly and infuse my life with joy and bliss.

Best of luck to you.

originally posted by: DarkestConspiracyMoon
It's posts like these that get me wishing we humans didn't have to go through such an upsetting process. I've experienced miniscule loss compared to yours and others, but I know the day will soon come when I have to go through this myself in a big way. I just wish this didn't happen to us, even though it's a process of life and whatnot.... I can't exactly say you will get through this, it's a 50/50 chance, but I really hope you do.

Dear dreamingawake,
What a beautiful name.

Awakening in the dream is the goal for me. I thought I was almost there, almost awake. Then - bam! - I'm hit on the side of the head and heart and I am asleep again.

I am sorry to hear of your recent loss and hope you are able to help your family members who are affected by this.

Your idea of travel hit home. I am going to Portland in summer, where we were planning to go. It will be extremely hard now to go alone. I reached out to ATS a couple weeks ago, asking if there were any folks who could give me hints on do not miss places near Portland. I even "met" an ATSer who invited me to look him and his wife up for coffee. That kindness made my heart sing and I hope to meet them there.

Thank you.

originally posted by: dreamingawake
Sending positive vibes your way. First off always remember they are with you. Comfort during the grievance process is very crucial, hope the comments can help and make sure you stay in contact with those who are close to you for that.

I've made a of things that my loved one wanted to do and have fulfilled some already. It may be difficult at first but relive a special memory the best you can(view pictures to even revisit a place) that you both had together. Maybe take a journey to a location you both had wanted to go but didn't get around to.

Sorry, I don't have much more as I'm still dealing with a loss I've recently been alerted to and in the grieving process myself-more so worried about other family involved than myself.

Regards