How would you correct a 20 year old child for this?

at 20, its a renter or roommate and not a child.


There are rules of the house hold, they are to be followed, if he was renting an APT and his PO showed up and found drugs, what would the consequences be?

Could he have his PO revoked, could he lose the apt?

Put in those terms, your already being way to lenient on him as is, give him a warning the loss of the drugs is getting off lite, next time its a report to his PO.

LadySkadi
He's 20 - Enabling him isn't helping him.

After a search turned up nothing, he asked my wife if she had seen the drugs. She said she knew nothing about them.

Is your wife afraid of him? Are you? I don't understand this part at all...

edit on 15-3-2014 by LadySkadi because: (no reason given)

She said she knew nothing about them because she did not yet want him to know she found the drugs. No one is afraid of the kid, that would be silly.

Folks.. the drugs in question is an ounce of weed. i didnt want to mention this because of ATS's T&C but you guys need to know it's not some hard drug we are talking about.

I cannot kick him out for several reasons.

1) We need him where we can keep an eye on him.

2) He was running from trouble when he moved here at first, not having been allowed to speak to or see his mom in the past ten years..Thats a long story and one for another time but she don't want to lose her kid again so soon. She has known him again for only about a year so it's like a new beginning for them both.

3) the whole idea in my view of letting him stay here is to help him get over his problems. He doesn't have anywhere to go and if I or his mom kicks him out after her not seeing him for ten years, would cause all manner of resentment towards his mom.. we dont want that.

Oh yeah.. Folks stop telling me he's not a child at 20. He's a messed up kid living under my roof and rules. If he acts like a child I certainly am going to refer to him as a child. I dont care if he's 45 I'll still call him a child. The shoe fits.

benrl


Put in those terms, your already being way to lenient on him as is, give him a warning the loss of the drugs is getting off lite, next time its a report to his PO.

Gee. and here I thought I was heartless. No can do - that will land him back in jail which no one wants or needs.

*********

Also folks I didn't search the sofa. my wife came home from work and laid down on the sofa. The bag was sticking half way up between the sofa cushions.. She tells me it would have been real hard to miss anyway. Yeah.. he wasn't very smart or good at hiding the stuff.

Just some thoughts...sounds like you don't want to put him out which you should or he will continue to walk all over you and your wife .

Sounds like you want to give him one more last chance , if so then give him a long list of jobs to do around the house , anything and everything he won't want to do and let it be known that this is absolutely his last chance to stay in your house and let him know you found his stash .
Explain to him you want to help him but will not continue if he doesn't want to help himself. And you have to stick to your word from here on out otherwise you look like the chump in this .

Keep him so busy that he won't have time to do drugs and it might help keep his mind off of them too .

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


it seems as though even though he is 20, he wants you to find out and do something about it... he wants to be punished.

if he is going to act like a child, that means he hasn't developed or grown into the adult he is today...so punitive measures or any kind of reaction is what he wants and needs.

Ground him, increase his board etc.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


yeah that is the post I got the feeling he wants help so does the wrong thing and leaves it somewhere it will be found.

he is needing help so anything you do that keeps that in mind will benefit him

Stop being sneaky and lying to the kid. Tell him you found his stash and it's gone. Then sit down with him and REALLY talk to him about the stuff he's doing in his life. But be honest with him or he's not going to be honest with you.

This one's easy.

Be honest. Don't flush the drugs and hide it.

Present the drugs the moment he arrives home. Tell he can have
them and move out, or flush them and stay.

Explain to him that life is his own and if wants to continue do use
drugs it is up to him, but he will have to do it without your support,
and without bringing any illegal substance into YOUR home and
thereby implicating you in a crime.

GiulXainx
If it is weed I don't mind it anymore. If it is anything else I oppose it. I know lsd, crack, heroine, and crank junkies. They can't ever get rid of that addiction.

Just keep throwing it away. If he acts up then CALL THE POLICE. Eventually they learn better methods of hiding it. But still.... shame on you for searching the sofa.

He's embarrassed enough already.

By consistently searching you will end up making him go insane.

It is one thing to call a bluff. It is another to take away his cards.

This is my opinion. I don't support rogue government and unlawful legislation. On the other hand house rules do apply as well. And asking him to be far more respectful of house rules about things is important. Help him start a business so he can move out soon.

But i don't support rogue government and their unlawful legislation. Slavery is crimes against humanity an violates common law. All the herbs and resources of the planet, in healthy non GMO, heritage state, belong to everyone!

JohnPhoenix

benrl


Put in those terms, your already being way to lenient on him as is, give him a warning the loss of the drugs is getting off lite, next time its a report to his PO.

Gee. and here I thought I was heartless. No can do - that will land him back in jail which no one wants or needs.

*********

Also folks I didn't search the sofa. my wife came home from work and laid down on the sofa. The bag was sticking half way up between the sofa cushions.. She tells me it would have been real hard to miss anyway. Yeah.. he wasn't very smart or good at hiding the stuff.

edit on 15-3-2014 by JohnPhoenix because: addition

LOL ... Me and benrl have grown fond of calling each other naive ... but, I admit when he's right.

I think you may achieve some success with this approach. Tell the kid he broke the rules. Tell him ... with his mom standing right there (she's part of this too) ... that the next time it is a call to the PO. Then go for a walk with him. Explain to him there's a hundred other ways he could have stashed his baggie, and using the confines of your home was unwise.

When my son could no longer obey the rules in my house I kicked him out. I didn't tell his mom it was going to happen. I came home from work with a plane ticket back to the States and handed it to him the next morning. Shock and awe is not always good in a family setting.

FWIW, he knew he was a burden for us. It was time for him to become responsible for himself. I had an old Army buddy pick him up at the airport and take him to the recruiter's office. That was six years ago. He's all grown-up now, got himself a steady job, and (with some occasional financial support) is standing on his own two feet.

Here's the tell: When we talk, I can hear the pride in his voice.

Good on you for thinking this through!!

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Your house .... your rules. He broke them which is disrespectful to you. He's out.

Side note - your wife should have told the truth about what you guys did in getting rid of the drugs. If you lie to him, he'll continue to think he can lie to you.

reply to post by FlyersFan


You don't kick children to the street. Ever. That would be me, dividing assets and divorce. By the way, raised with safety first, and respect, my kids aren't like this, hiding substances. But then I don't have quite the same house rules, almost but not quite the same. But safety to me is rule number one, and that includes, home and food. Dealt with too many homeless and group home kids.

Bad economy, no jobs, kid living there. Start a business for him. Not a 20 000 plus business, something small and yet capable of making 500, then 1000 a month, gradually, so he never has to be on the system.

Unity_99
You don't kick children to the street. Ever.

You do if that 'child' is an adult and is doing illegal things in your home even after being warned not to.
There comes a point in which a parent has to protect themselves from the illegal activities of adult children.
Otherwise, the parents can get in trouble with the law.

Only the OP knows the extent of the illegal activity. He/she needs to be careful.

JohnPhoenix
Folks.. the drugs in question is an ounce of weed. i didnt want to mention this because of ATS's T&C but you guys need to know it's not some hard drug we are talking about.

I cannot kick him out for several reasons.

1) We need him where we can keep an eye on him.

2) He was running from trouble when he moved here at first, not having been allowed to speak to or see his mom in the past ten years..Thats a long story and one for another time but she don't want to lose her kid again so soon. She has known him again for only about a year so it's like a new beginning for them both.

3) the whole idea in my view of letting him stay here is to help him get over his problems. He doesn't have anywhere to go and if I or his mom kicks him out after her not seeing him for ten years, would cause all manner of resentment towards his mom.. we dont want that.

Oh yeah.. Folks stop telling me he's not a child at 20. He's a messed up kid living under my roof and rules. If he acts like a child I certainly am going to refer to him as a child. I dont care if he's 45 I'll still call him a child. The shoe fits.

edit on 15-3-2014 by JohnPhoenix because: addition

Ok this makes more sense and puts things into perspective. I can understand you wanting to do as much as you can, even going over and beyond what would be expected. But at 20 he's not a kid anymore, thats not just my opinion.

I have known some people around this age and much older, who are not mature enough to take care of themselves . If this is the case and you may have to accept him being around on a permanent basis, then keeping cool and just rehashing the rules over and over, will prob be the best path, you will be doing this the entire time, so dont burn a fuse.

If you take care of him his whole life, he will never be forced to learn how to do it on his own. And build a basement cause thats where you'll find him 20 yrs from now, smokin out.

reply to post by FlyersFan


There is no age I would ever do that to my child. Love is what is lacking here, dog eat dog, division of people, horrible fascist laws, that you guys accept, I've been waiting all my life for a whole bunch of people like me, cause this would never happen, first trangression of freedom laws, use of resource laws, and we'd have met in the town square, bullhorns and not sat down till they said uncle and with tears running down their face, were the minions serving the freedom and equality of humans, both dad and mom and all the kids energies, that they are supposed to be, paid very well to be, given huge pensions to be, and dental as well as medical, to be.

You do not ever do tough love or adopt the world's values. you don't follow but show the way. And due to this, we have all sorts of problems this world gives to people in our family, but love people, have not this level of problems, communicate fully, don't have the same house rules, even have someone who was homeless living with us. Take crapola at times, err on the side of love, never ever the other way.

Would never live with any man who was on a different page than that. Because saving the kids is NUMBER ONE RESPONSIBILITY.

JohnPhoenix

One of the House Rules (my house, my rules) for him is to Not get into trouble with the law again, and not to bring illegal stuff into my house.

What good does it do to have rules if you don't enforce them?
I understand you are trying to help him
Letting him slide is not the way to do it.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Is he already attending NA meetings? It is an offshoot of Alcoholics Anomonous. I would think it would be mandatory for a parolee, but if it wasn't in this case, perhaps you should make it one of your house rules. At his age, it is difficult to control who he 'hangs out' with, but ensuring that he meets up once a week with others who understand what he is going through, may be more eye-opening to him.

I know a friend of mine whose employer had initiated this prerequisite of attendance as a chance for him to keep his job and not be fired. He wasn't happy at first about going and thought it was stupid. It helped him immensely by realizing that the 'addiction' was just a 'side effect' of his own personal issues.

If NA is not available in your area, certainly personal counseling should be considered. Almost all mind altering abuse, stems from a subconscious need to escape one's perceived self and perceived world. From what you posted, it sounds like he may have a lot of emotional issues to deal with in regards to his mother and early childhood. At the age of 20, he will not make this decision on his own unless it is mandatory. Your house, your rules, so make it mandatory for him. Your wife, his mother, may very well need to come to terms with her own emotional state and guilt too. A guilty parent will usually cause more harm through enabling bad behavior and make excuses, out of unfounded fears.

I wish the best for you and your family. Hope if my post is not helpful to you in the least at this moment...it will at least get you in a more creative and logical action mode to deal with the real issues behind the household authority battles.

Edit Add: just did a quick search on New Orleans...perhaps this link will assist you. www.noana.org...

Seriously....For a flower?

You should of sent it directly to my house for further evaluation.

As long as he's not doing it in your house, what's the biggie.

At 20 if this is all he is doing. Sounds like you have a pretty good kid.

Could be way worse my friend...please don't overreact.

He could be getting falling down drunk and then driving.

Your house your rules....but, lighten up a little on the kid.

Guess Michelle was right after all.
Twenty-year-olds can be real knuckleheads.