I Just Found Out You're Free!

Muzzle, I just wanted to say that this thread is one of the most touching and heartfelt things I've read. You seem to be such a deeply caring and emotional person, your words seem to come easily to you but I know how easy they come when it is the heart speaking...

I am sure whoever it is you are writing for, is reading.

I wish I knew god's plan, or the universes plan, for us. In my case it seems to be a never ending trek away from myself to give myself for others. After I had posted previously in this thread, the next day I was talking with my ex fiancée, and she has just found out her new partner is less than what she thought. Intending to cheat on her, using her for his own financial support. Spent most of last night consoling her, and to hear her cry is like feeling my heart break all over again. My intuition was once again right, he did exactly what I had been trying to express to her as soon as I felt unease at his presence in her life, even before he took her from me.

I could write a million words describing how I still love her, but they would not affect how fate has destined us to remain apart. And in feeling so much for her, it is wrong of me to dwell on my selfish desires at the expense of her happiness. Perhaps this is my lesson to learn. Letting go. Such a hard lesson for someone who would fight so hard for things destined to be. Perhaps in the next life... forever and beyond is after all, infinite...

I say this because how you wrote that maybe god will one day allow you to be with the one you love, also.

And for someone who can write their feelings and thoughts as you do, I know that will be the case. Honesty is a virtue that outweighs most others.

Keep writing brother. Your spirits will embrace, I feel it...

a reply to: savemebarry

I am very sad to hear you say that you believe you are destined to not be with the one you love.
That sounds so terrible to me, I just don't understand.

Why would you discount the entire future and accept a destiny of that?
How could you know?

You admitted that new surprising things happen, even yesterday one did.

Can't it still be possible that even you can win too?

a reply to: savemebarry

Now I realize I don't know your situation or any of the details, but I want to ask some questions and make suggestions (which you should at least think about and devise your own unique personal approach to a solution).

Have you told her how you feel?
If not, why not?

I think you should tell her about your Love for her.
In fact, I don't think just telling her face to face is good enough, there are too many variables involved and you will probably (as we all tend to do) say things wrong.

I think you should commit to writing her a Love letter and expound upon all of this in detail. If it has to be 20 pages long so be it, she will read all of it. For me personally I needed to write hundreds of pages at length and still want to write hundreds more pages to explain to my Love how I feel about all of this.

If you write it down you can edit it and make it exactly the way you want it said. You should organize it and cover each relevant topic (like the past, present, and future). Make it as big as necessary to cover everything. This way you can give her the letter and some flowers or whatever and let her mull it over and then you'll just play the waiting game to see what happens.

Make sure to remind her that you sincerely value your friendship and if she's not into it you'll drop it and just stay friends and you'll ignore it so it doesn't screw your friendship up. That's important to distinguish I'd think. That way you can buy more time just in case she responds negatively to your advance.

Now - don't get me wrong here - I'm not saying do this. I'm saying that's what I think you ought to consider doing. If you feel like there are better approaches than take those. This is all up to you. What you feel is best will be best.

But under no circumstances should you sit back and let all the other guys get her while you sit back crying. # that! No way! This is just unacceptable and I cannot bear to think you'd allow this. In fact my natural reaction is to want to slap you around till you stop letting this slide and commit to a war for her hand.

If you honestly think you're in Love with her like this, than you must also realize that you're going to be the best man for her as well (because you can ensure she's treated right and gets the Love she deserves so she can be Happy). If you think that you are not good enough for her, well I guess you don't Love her that much.

Having a true Love for someone is extremely rare and probably a once in a lifetime thing. That means something. You need to go to the drawing board and develop a warplan. You need to put your warpaint on and begin fighting the battles.

You are going to lose some ok? That's part of war, you cannot win them all. But if you approach this strategically you have a chance of winning no matter how bad the odds are stacked against you. You have got to fight for this, bottom line. Stop letting the world dominate you - and instead face the odds and don't surrender easily.

Even if this blows up in your face (which it probably will over and over) you gotta think through it and understand that there is always an opportunity to reach final victory. You need God to help too.

God is the master of our Hearts and God decides who falls in Love with who, God directs and guides this. That free will stuff is an illusion, because God is Almighty. That means God is the final say on virtually everything. God "allowing" this or that is actually God planning that this or that happens and in fact scripted it before the Universe was even born. God tells Cupid-Eros where to fire the arrows ok?

I found out over and over again that I have control over only one thing - Me and my thoughts/reactions - and even then I'm unsure if God controls that too (which I'm pretty sure God controls me 100% including writing this for you right now word for word). You can only "influence" things around you, so get to influencing and creating action. Start pushing the dominoes over and see what happens. Living a life of regret and remorse is NOT ALLOWED! Hell no!

You MUST ACT.

I don't know what you've done, I don't know any of the details - only you know this stuff - so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt and figure out your own directions based off what your Heart says. Do not let this woman slip away without you giving it your best shots (plural). Try everything you think is best, invest years into it if that's what it takes.

If you really truly Love her with all of your Heart and Soul, you'll get up, dust off, and get back into the ring and fight like a madman (who is madly in Love).

Why are you even alive ? Why are we here ? What's the point to all of this ?
Cmon man!!! Give her your Heart!
Saying "I Love you" is will define your Life - your entire Life till the day you die.
Scream it from the mountain tops man! Go ALL OUT, no holds barred.

All is fair in Love and War.
Follow the Spirit,
Listen to your Heart,
and Talk to God.

Then Fight for this.

((( Keep in mind this is how I personally approach this issue and you can take from it what you need and add your own unique flair and do this YOUR WAY - not MY WAY - and handle this the way YOU know best! )))

originally posted by: muzzleflash
a reply to: savemebarry

I am very sad to hear you say that you believe you are destined to not be with the one you love.
That sounds so terrible to me, I just don't understand.

Why would you discount the entire future and accept a destiny of that?
How could you know?

You admitted that new surprising things happen, even yesterday one did.

Can't it still be possible that even you can win too?

I don't discount it, but there are barriers in our way that make the potential so hard. I have already crossed an ocean for her. Journeyed to the other side of the planet. The struggle for us, despite years of friendship and commitment, lies with the futility of barriers in place that intent cannot break.

We've looked into each others eyes and seen our future. But when the world, the universe denies us, how does it become complete? I was ready to do anything. She needed more. and yet now, I would leave my place in a moment to be with this woman. a heartbeat away.

You know, I do think it is possible. but at my age, it will be the last leaf to fall from the tree. I know this - I am not giving up. Our hearts belong together. But I cannot stir the water between us, only cross it. and hope that perhaps fate will grant me the same wish you wish for. I will love this woman till my last breath. I will stand by her through her hardest times. and she knows this. circumstance is the one thing I have to defeat. it is me striving to be next to her, she is trapped in her own life and until I can find a way... life will be as it is.

so I know that there will be things between us. I often think, had we met 30 years ago, how different it would have all been. We are kindred spirits. and all the pain before may have been replaced with joyousness. no loneliness, no failed marriages, no wondering... had we met as teenagers, who knows.

Shame, that life does this. so when I say I accept my fate, I don't necessarily accept it.. but it has lead me to a point where I look back, and see all I have done is help others find their path. I am not sure if it is right or wrong to fight any more, for something I wish so much for. What if I am stealing from someone else, their future. their soul mate.

it's a conundrum to me, I will never know a woman like her. ever again. don't want to. her passion, her patience, her desire to help others, her devotion, all of her. and now I see who she left me for, is treating her like an object.

yet should I say anything, I appear as if I am forcing a wedge into the problem, for my own benefit. I have to sit back, watching. seeing her almost excuse his behaviour.

out of blind need to be comforted.

I am better off being the tree; that people can be consoled by, resting in the shade, waiting for the cool breeze to come, and then be left behind. the shade comforts you from the burning sun. and cooler winds blow on better days, where us trees are simply walked passed.

she has my heart, and always will. so I will always be the shade to comfort her, regardless.

a reply to: muzzleflash



I have told her how I feel, to the point she stopped talking because she felt I was not letting go.

Now she says that she wouldn't let go had things been different. I've told her my feelings so many times. but the words fell away. I made too many mistakes. The one truth left is that I know she still cares, because we still can talk. She considers me her best friend. what an acrid thing, so close yet so distant.

I can't act on things any more. Just pray. watch from the outside. She deserves to have happiness. and as her friend I will always be there. We still talk. and for that, at least, I am grateful.

so right now, as she is feeling betrayed by the man she left me for, I cannot take advantage of that. would not.

pains me to hell and back. I miss her so damn much

a reply to: savemebarry

I understand that I cannot change your opinion about all of that, and I don't really want to.

I also admit I don't understand your reasoning or perspective or know anything about any of it.

One thing I do feel like telling you is to be careful not to sell yourself too short.

You said:

yet should I say anything, I appear as if I am forcing a wedge into the problem, for my own benefit. I have to sit back, watching. seeing her almost excuse his behaviour.

You should benefit yourself at least sometimes, though I'd caution to be moral and ethical about it. Cheating and being deceptive is wrong and likely will create a negative reaction down the line.

But still, you could at least tell her she deserves better and that she should stop settling for 2nd best and that she can have what she wants if she's willing to be honest with herself and be courageous and strong.

Saying something like that is both true, moral, and will probably cause her to have second thoughts. And if she can think through all of it and rationalize everything sufficiently than maybe she'll work things out and be happier for it. You claim you want her to be happy so sometimes throwing a wrench here or there is for the better. It's all a matter of perspective anyways right? If it's the right thing to do than I don't see why not.

Of course being cautious, thoughtful, and utilizing much discretion is important.

But I believe in one thing and cannot think any differently:
Where there is a Will there is a Way (and even then you should still Pray).

Whoa!

She just took her 'blog' down.
Like, it doesn't exist.

Either I'm having an error or she definitely found this and is sending me a message without sending a message.
I'm mind blown and terrified all at once!

It cannot be a coincidence!

I am freaking out.
Major jump in blood pressure, heartbeat, everything!

I need to run and I'll be back later.
Oh and....
Hi! Please do not be mad at me again!
I've been punished enough haven't I?

It said "no user of this name found" and I quadruple checked the address. All the other people's accounts I checked were there undisturbed.

But now her account is back like normal.

So either it was a fluke and a website error (which I'd never seen happen before), or she somehow did it on purpose till I posted that I saw it and somehow put it back up.

I'll never know either way.
So if you did that on purpose it left me as confused and unsure as I normally am.

Just post a rainbow gif with a quote please. Let's make this simple. If you want me to know just let me know. I don't wanna play games it's not fun it hurts.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to believe about anything happening around me.

I have no choice but to just stick to my principles because that's the only thing I know is True. My core values. Even if somehow things go wrong when I follow them, I knew I made the right decisions because I made the moral choice.

I really wish I could learn how to be more mature and stop being so foolish, but what is maturity anyways?



Ok, so I'm going to try to understand other's situation when they hurt me.
It's so hard, sometimes almost impossible because all I want is to hurt them back in my agony of suffering.

But I'm going to keep trying even if it is the hardest thing to do.
I'm going to try to do the Right thing.

I Forgive everyone for hurting me.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Can't we just have a good life? That's all any of us wanted.
We need wisdom.





That's so hard.
Maybe the hardest thing of all...

How could I let this world, this life, beat me?
It almost did, time after time, but...

I'm Strong! I CAN DO IT!
I'm going to make it one more day!
Nothing about it is easy, not this day.

But God's got me.
I'm being carried because I can't even walk on my own, not today.
I'm so tired, exhausted, bewildered, saddened, defeated.
I can't handle anything today.

So...


For this...

This is such a...

To anyone looking at the last few posts, it might seem like just a few pics I posted and might even seem sorta silly and meaningless, but in it I expressed myself Truly and Fully.

I was (and still am sorta) in tears...
It's just flowing out...

It's so hard not to think that my life has no meaning, no purpose.
But I'm going to believe for just one more day...



I'm so sick of it all sometimes!
The physical, mental, emotional, and Spiritual suffering!
The lies and the abuse!



What the hell?
It's so hard to Trust YOU sometimes!
I always end up feeling abandoned and rejected and left for dead.
Will you please do something soon?
I hate being drug on for nothing!
It's pointlessness on top of pointlessness!



Fine!
I'll Believe YOU again!!

Show me that YOU are GOD and YOU keep YOUR Promises!
That's ALL I ask!



And I'm a Selfish, Immature, Clingy, Needy, Foolish Idiot!!
So USE ME TOO!!!

I'm so tired of having no purpose in this awful world.
God it's so hard...

I do feel better after crying for an hour though.
Thank YOU

I'm so screwed up today.

I cried for hours, still feel bad.
I dunno why, everything's weird.

I'm so sleepy and tired.
Only got like 3 hours of sleep last night.

I need to quote myself from earlier,

"I feel so disconnected. I'm out of touch...
I've always felt I had no place in this world.
I try so hard and get nowhere.

The depths of my sorrows are so dark and cold sometimes.
It is truly the void of hell."

I just wanna go to bed and sleep 12 or 14 hours.
Ugh...

I don't know how to "Heal" ok?
I keep thinking I need a hug.
A real physical hug.

Why does everyone play all these weird games and act these ways?
Why can't we just be real?

I try really hard to respect others but I know when they cannot do the same for me.