I Just Found Out You're Free!

I consider what just happened as abusive, deceptive, immoral, unjustified, and a violation of my sensitive fully open and honest Heart by someone who really only cares about themselves and fakes being nice towards others.

But I'm sure I'm the only one that gets that treatment.
I'm special.

And no laws or rules apply to me that apply to the rest, just a special set of laws and rules that only apply to me just in case I watched others and thought I had it figured out.

Well I don't have anything figured out.
I don't know anything at all, except that I have two choices.

Roll over and die, or go get $$$
That way I can just buy fake love like everyone else does.
That's all that matters in this world.

God's meaningless, philosophy and principles are meaningless, you know what it's all about right?
Looks and $$$. That's all that matters.

If you got that, you win.
You don't? You lost.

There is no valuable human virtues. There is only $$$.
I hope yall get it now. I'm proving it.

She even laughed at me.
Heartless and cold to the core.

a reply to: muzzleflash

You are overwhelmed right now. Take it slow. Forget about love for a while. Maybe love will find you when you aren't looking. Money doesn't buy happiness, but you already know that don't you? You are angry and disappointed as hell right now and probably angry at the world. Be a warrior and fight your way through this. You have it in you, you've risen above it before and you can do it again.

originally posted by: Night Star
a reply to: muzzleflash

You are overwhelmed right now. Take it slow. Forget about love for a while. Maybe love will find you when you aren't looking. Money doesn't buy happiness, but you already know that don't you? You are angry and disappointed as hell right now and probably angry at the world. Be a warrior and fight your way through this. You have it in you, you've risen above it before and you can do it again.

No idea what you're talking about.

a reply to: muzzleflash

Sorry it is 3:14 AM in the Morning and I haven't slept yet. I may have misread something.

a reply to: muzzleflash

i am not free - i am very VERY expensive

a reply to: muzzleflash
I'm so sorry Flash. I hate that this has happened. I hate that you once again are seeing the cruel face of humanity. I know how hard you've tried so it will be hard to believe but there does exist people that don't care anything about looks or money.
People that will fall in love with your soul. It hurts so bad to not have the love you give returned. But you will find someone that completes you. It may not be easy and it might take a while but I do believe it will happen. Please don't give up on life or love. No matter how hard the struggle it is always worth it!

originally posted by: Martin75
a reply to: muzzleflash
I'm so sorry Flash. I hate that this has happened. I hate that you once again are seeing the cruel face of humanity. I know how hard you've tried so it will be hard to believe but there does exist people that don't care anything about looks or money.
People that will fall in love with your soul. It hurts so bad to not have the love you give returned. But you will find someone that completes you. It may not be easy and it might take a while but I do believe it will happen. Please don't give up on life or love. No matter how hard the struggle it is always worth it!

No one could ever love me.
No one ever has.

I'm not lovable.
I'm a joke.

Everyone go ahead and laugh at me.
I know they want to.

a reply to: muzzleflash

Everyone go ahead and laugh at me.
I know they want to.

I don't think anyone is laughing...sympathizing maybe, but not laughing.

I've known you since 2008 on these boards, and gotta tell you man, you seem like you need counseling big time.

An ATS thread ain't gonna do it; as a matter of fact, you should probably take a LONG break from this place, as it seems to be dragging you down.

Pull yourself together chief - it can only get better from here...

originally posted by: BestinShow

I don't think anyone is laughing...sympathizing maybe, but not laughing.

I've known you since 2008 on these boards, and gotta tell you man, you seem like you need counseling big time.

So you're going to insult, belittle, and denigrate me?

Counseling will do nothing except waste my time and give an opportunity for backstabbing liars (who know hardly anything about life or history or science) to try and find a reason to either get me locked up again or force medications down my throat and ruin my brain and other organs and then insult me with labels that society will always see on me everywhere I go.

And not only that, the only time I ever went to jail in my entire life (and then got put in a mental hospital) was when my therapist decided to cover up her negligence and malpractice by inventing a string of lies about me (which I have evidence is not true). I told her "I should turn you into the board and have them review your license" and then what happened? Handcuffs and false accusations that created the greatest most painful disaster in my life.

Maybe you need counseling, maybe you need medications, maybe you live in denial and cannot handle reality so fall back on all of these easy outs?

Me? I need people to treat me with respect and to recognize my dignity as a human being. I need a bank account loaded to the brim with money.

And especially what I need is for people to stop judging my character and psychology to the degree they feel the need to preface their insults and personal attacks with lies like "no ones laughing at you" then proceed to make fun of me.

I definitely don't need people telling me what I need. I'm the judge of that, and I'm actually an open person that's honest about my problems and has no problem admitting what I'm dealing with. I don't need people who know less than 1% of the content of the story of my life telling me what they think's wrong with me or that they think someone who knows even less than they do, which is hardly anything at all, can somehow help me.

Why don't you just say "give up on your dreams, accept defeat, go take pills, and waste the rest of your life begging fake 'professional' people to give you worthless attention and make irrational suggestions"?

Why can't I just need a hug and a friend? Why are you convinced that a corrupted institution full of people that only care about themselves and $$$ can help me at all? They have no interest in helping me, in fact their interest is to trap me into self-destruction and waste the best years of my limited lifespan becoming dependent upon their system and their pills.

Don't you understand all their drugs destroy the human body? They destroy and deaden the mind. They don't help you face your problems constructively. They don't provide you with income and affection.

You think I'm some sort of incompetent mentally challenged fool? Well I think you're a judgmental prejudiced and pretentious person that needs to get a real education and read some books and think about things more deeply.

You thinking posting on the internet isn't helping me? Wrong. I just had a very therapeutic and satisfying moment making this post.

I'm the only one with the balls to make my life an open book, to show myself naked. My purpose was to teach others important lessons, to show them what a real human being has to go through in a very difficult challenging life. I'm the counselor here, my expose will teach you more about yourself and how to handle yourself than any 'fake professional' or bottle of pills ever will.

And besides, if you had bothered to read you'd notice that I consistently remind people that I had two panels of psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists, social workers etc (24 'highly educated professionals), give me a month long evaluation while trapped in their insane asylum with truly troubled and psychotic individuals who don't even know how to speak English properly half the time. I saw the reality of all of this, I saw what really goes on in those places, I saw the abuse and threats and violence. I saw the gritty reality at the bottom.

If those individuals whom you would likely hold in high esteem due to their credentials and decades of experience cannot nail me with even one single diagnosis, why cannot you accept that? After I got out I went back twice for further check ups and even met completely different people, speaking to several on each visit - and they too agreed "he cannot be diagnosed".

I'll remind you what their assessment was - they said "He is misunderstood".

Why would they say that? Maybe it's because I'm a very complicated and highly educated person that needs 20 paragraphs to express one simple little idea? Maybe I'm artistic and express myself in symbolic ways that will require you, the viewer, to dissect and analyze in depth by utilizing all of your skills and talents to even begin to hypothesize what the hell I "might mean"? Maybe I'm way over your head with most of the stuff I might say? I always tell everyone I'm willing to explain in depth what my riddles and statements actually mean - but no one ever bothers to ask me - they just assume from a position of excessive ignorance and poor educational background. And yes and PhD doesn't quantify a good education, it's just an opportunity to begin a good education, it doesn't guarantee you'll figure anything out, you gotta do the legwork yourself and almost everyone is too lazy or ill-equipped to even get close to that.

They read tons of my threads and investigated my history here. Then I had to defend myself, defend the things I said on this forum to them. And I succeeded explaining it. I had to take tons of exams of all types. I achieved absolute perfection from the moment I went into that facility to the moment I walked out, at least in their eyes.

I was skilled enough to cover up my mistakes and to hide any flaws that I myself quietly recognized. Those flaws are what I'm working on right now because I understand only I can handle them, no one else is going to be able to rationalize it all away and then turn around and walk off going back to their life and think they gave me good advice. It's like a conflict of your own conscience. You will feel like you need to 'do something' after you witnessed a train wreck. You essentially walked up to a mangled corpse and said "maybe you need to see a doctor?". Gimme a break, I need to see the undertaker, let's be honest and real here.

Now, I'll boil all of that down into a simple straightforward explanation of what I actually need. Let's say I don't want to go get cataloged and examined by a mortician? What could I possibly need?

Oh I know - I need to get LAID!
I need a hot chick to screw me till I'm better.
It's that simple. I cannot believe people are so lost in their illusions and delusions that they cannot see that simple one sentence prescription to heal my wounds. I just need to get laid.

That was what was in my head the entire time all of this transpired. That's all it was. I wanted to bang some chicks. Because I'm not getting that it turned into books worth of words that everyone is failing miserably at analyzing properly.

Thank God the actual 'professionals' everyone is so reliant upon actually understood that. Thank God most of them were geeks in school and didn't get the hot chicks and so understood what the hell I'm going through here.
I just need a girlfriend.

And to all the people starring that person who insulted me?
You're insulting me too.

You're laughing at me. I don't care what you think you're doing.
I interpret it into it's base reality, while you likely aren't aware of what you're actually doing.

You're pretentious, prejudiced, simple minded people.

Yall are the people that instead of giving someone a hug, that you'll turn around and try to take the easy way out and just go get meds and sit and blab to someone who honestly doesn't care and will just trap you into institutionalization and destroy you even further.

I am the type of person that realizes that's all a delusion.

No wonder the 'mental health system' if full of otherwise normal people who are losing their minds.
Look at how you treat others. Look at how you pass the buck as a knee jerk reaction. You are relying on completely unsubstantiated gibberish in your minds to justify this.

I challenge each and every one of you.
Substantiate your reasoning. Explain why you're selfish and insulting opinions are somehow valid and defend it when I come and eviscerate it. None of you have a chance.

I've seen the real world. I was locked up in the madhouse and got out without a blemish. I was in jail next to murderers, dope dealers, thugs and gangsters that tried to rape me multiple times, that wanted to punk me like I was a little girl, and I defended myself every time and protected myself. How many times have you been cornered without anyone to help you and had multiple large men attempt to sexually assault you???

I lived on the street and was outside all night without protection of any sort, no weapons or anything. I was around hundreds of completely insane and highly dangerous street bums that will rob you blind for nothing. People that walk around screaming to themselves like madmen.

I was there and I survived it. And all I'm doing here is complaining about how I essentially need to get a girlfriend and get laid, and yall want to try to say (from your completely uneducated non-licensed unsubstantiated opinions) that I need a counselor? And yall want to gang up on me too as per typical herd mentality?

Who's laughing now?

God this thread is becoming such an almost half-decent work of art. Slowly but surely.

Granted that it is a little demented like surrealism, but that's because expressing the subconscious via consciousness is very challenging. And like impressionism I'm trying to challenge the status quo and depict a scene of real life while breaking the rules everyone else has been following.

I'm trying to capture a vision of reality with both immediacy and motion, and retain a dynamic quality of how insanity is the only sanity and how sanity is clearly the real insanity.

I didn't mean to actually do this, though originally I set out wanting to do something like it. I didn't realize what I was bargaining for. I didn't understand at the time that I'd have to become the work of art, that I'd have to go through hell to find the way to heaven. I'm learning that as I go though.

And I am finally starting to understand what Mozart was going through when he created so many of his timeless pieces. Sometimes he didn't even write the music until hours before he had to play it in front of everyone.

Do you have any idea how exhilarating it is? To go completely off the hook and express something real and challenge everyone's concepts about everything they thought they knew?

It's like getting up there and screaming "Damn all of you!!!" and knocking things over in a rage, and then turning around and saying "I love all of you, thank you" and throwing flowers at them and bowing gracefully.

I'm going to challenge all of you and I will change your lives by showing you how I changed mine.
I'll be a complete jerk and I'll be a complete gentlemen, depending on the mood. I'm gonna be "ME".

You're gonna hate me and shake your head, and then you're gonna love me and cheer.
And I'll be damned if no one appreciates my creations before I die.

I admit I'm still an amateur but I'm learning as I go.
I'm trying to do something new here. It's never easy and I have to immerse myself into the lunacy in order to understand it and express it properly.

I didn't mean to do this, though I did want to do something like it. That's really important to point out. The Universe threw me a set of really bad circumstances (almost seemingly as Fate) in order to ensure that I would have the necessary material and depth required to achieve the goals I wanted to.

Problem is, I'm certainly not happy with those circumstances and I'm not happy with my art either. I wish I could have more time to refine and organize, I can envision a far higher quality and much more contentious and surprising revelation to share and I am still falling very short of that. I'll keep working on it.

I promise I'll stay in the fight and try to produce something truly mind blowing that'll screw with everyone's heads and cause them to screw up their own lives by choosing to be themselves and defy all the conventions and rules they are accustomed to. I just want to please everyone (after I upset them).

Right now I'm very pleased with where this is going.
All the pain and suffering amounts to something.

Don't let that fool you into thinking it's not real. It's all too real. It's all too #'d up to be fiction.
It's a real life naked human being going nuts in a world that's certifiably insane and fundamentally unfair.
It's romantic and passionate, it's troubling and enlightening, it's frightening and yet heartening and encouraging, it's inspirational and depressing, it's totally appalling yet sincerely beautiful, it's outrageous over the top and melodramatic while at the same time being 100% real.

I want to change people's lives with this. I want to give you this bright idea and then let you crash and burn while trying to make yourself better, and that's how it works. If you want to build a new modern high rise that will testify what you really wanted in life, you gotta demolish that old run down disaster that was standing there all these years.

What I'm doing right now is showing you how to take a wrecking ball to yourself, how to plant the explosives and incinerate your life. Soon I'll show the architecture of something majestic and solemn in it's resplendent awe-inspiring glory. In other words I'm about to get rich as hell and get a hot girlfriend. In fact I want 3 hot girlfriends, at once.

originally posted by: muzzleflash

originally posted by: BestinShow

I don't think anyone is laughing...sympathizing maybe, but not laughing.

I've known you since 2008 on these boards, and gotta tell you man, you seem like you need counseling big time.

.

Thank God the actual 'professionals' everyone is so reliant upon actually understood that. Thank God most of them were geeks in school and didn't get the hot chicks and so understood what the hell I'm going through here.
I just need a girlfriend.

In other words I'm about to get rich as hell and get a hot girlfriend. In fact I want 3 hot girlfriends, at once.

Mayhaps you should lower your standards a bit. You go on and on about love. Then boil the whole thread down to banging hot chicks. Sometimes the hot chicks are just not into you. In such cases. Money will just make the hot chicks dig your money, not you.

So maybe move on to the average chicks. Real woman who do not conform to some adolescent spank bank fantasy. You might think I am "laughing" at you, but I am not. I've been where your at. Losing something you love. Fixating on it. Writing paragraph after paragraph after paragraph about it. Thinking you can write your way out of misery.

Knowing the only way to mend a broken soul is to fill it with the love of another soul. Spiraling. Rising. Spiraling. Rising. More writing. More misery. More justifications. An endless dance with inner turmoil. An endless dance with self. Pity is in the eye of the beholder. A boulder worthy of Sisyphus. Deceitful.

You feel me Ghost Writer. L.O.V.E, Long Overdue Vaginal Entrance. Is a symptom of the problem. And an antibiotic. But you got to finish the regimen. Otherwise the virus comes back. Then it burns all the way down. To hell and back. Then you gotta sign on the dotted line.

But what do I know. LOVE is a battlefield and I have PTSD. Or had. One or the other. I sometimes forget. I have to ask my better half.

a reply to: muzzleflash

Surely I wish I could give multiple Stars for this from You,

" It's all too real. It's all too #'d up to be fiction.
It's a real life naked human being going nuts in a world that's certifiably insane and fundamentally unfair.
It's romantic and passionate, it's troubling and enlightening, it's frightening and yet heartening and encouraging, it's inspirational and depressing, it's totally appalling yet sincerely beautiful, it's outrageous over the top and melodramatic while at the same time being 100% real.",

as THAT is truely a work of Art!!!

a reply to: muzzleflash

I have a perfect song for you...

a reply to: Jdennis10

I don't find it funny.

I was sincere, honest, genuine, and I tried my best.
I was then led on by someone who probably planned all along to shoot me down but instead wanted to watch me get my hopes up and build up some intense feelings just so my Heart would be shattered and to see how tasty my tears were.

That person laughed at me when they said they changed their mind. They insinuated they changed their mind many days prior but never had the Heart to inform me as I requested to be kept informed multiple times.

Then that person decided it clever to come post some insulting song to rub it in. Basically saying to me "hey who cares how you feel Jason, you're just a punching bag and I enjoy being abusive."

Well I was hurt pretty bad there, but if that person would like to apologize to me I would accept it and forgive them. I would also apologize for being such a hardcore admirer of them and giving them everything I had in my open Heart.

Once I decide to allow myself to have feelings for someone I will always have them, though later in life I may not think about it as I have other things going on. But I will always have those feelings for that someone and I'll always remember how unfair and mean they treated me, though I do very much forgive it and still like them.

That person also said it's over, and so I acquiesced and did as I was told. But yet they didn't let it be over, they came back to beat me up more. Why? Because I was right all along about what they felt in the first place? Or because I was wrong all along and I misjudged them as good when I was instead too blind to see the bad?

I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at me.
I choose my feelings and reactions and my words.
I am responsible for the consequences to a large degree, though admittedly it does take two or more to tango.

a reply to: Jdennis10

And God I wanted very much to kiss her so bad. I still do.

Though she's surprisingly far more callous and capricious than I originally anticipated based on all available evidence, I got it bad for her and actually enjoy telling her that.

I was just so vulnerable and unguarded, letting it all out and refusing to defend myself from anything that might hurt me. I was too proud because I am very sensitive and delicate. I wanted to show her I was a divine flower just like I saw her to be.

But I must have grabbed at her too clumsily, because she has many thorns. And though my skin was pierced and I bled, I want to smell the sweet fragrance of that gorgeous rose still...

a reply to: muzzleflash

ATS is not a dating site. Go find one on google. Peace!

a reply to: Jdennis10

I realize that but I'd prefer someone like me for who I am and be an intelligent person with character. You cannot find that on what you call 'dating sites', which are not even viable actually, especially if you want something fulfilling and lasting. This thread's in a forum called 'relationships', and it's about relationships. I think it's possible to meet someone nice anywhere I go and I keep my eyes open.

I would have to say that that certain people should probably not play games when they realize someone's taking an interest in them, like why would someone offer another person a job after getting hit on? And then why would they text them letting them have their phone #, knowing full well what was going on?

It would have never happened had that person not taken such a strong interest in me by saying all of these compliments and reading along, then sending me their own experiences hoping to relate with me.

I guess I just am very poor at interpreting signals and I read too much meaning into things that in reality must not have much meaning at all and are shallow comments rather than genuine heartfelt messages.

I have a really bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them a lot of chances, though I am discovering that they will be merciless and relentless in being cruel and brutal, almost as if they are willfully causing me pain and suffering and won't let it go though they asked me to let it go.

When someone asks me to let it go, I might not let it go initially and I'll try to deal with it and work it out (usually by going through the 5 stages of grief, denial anger bargaining depression acceptance) - but one thing I definitely do is not contact that person directly and I leave them alone like they asked.

If that person changes their mind and still wants to communicate directly with me, I'd expect it would be conciliatory and friendly. I have no idea why it'd be abusive. I guess I have a lot to learn about this world still.

Look I'm not naming names or anything, she knows who she is.
She knows she's just beating me up more, and that she deceived me for unknown reasons.
Maybe I'm so complicated that she didn't know how to handle me and just tried being nice when they knew all along they were going to have to say 'no' and yet this 'being nice' thing somehow turned into 'being really mean' and they didn't want that to happen it just somehow happened?

Well I definitely forgive them for that. # happens.
But I'd certainly want that person to stop hurting me, it's uncalled for.
I've had enough # as it is.

If she wants to be friends, that'd work. That's fine.
But the communication needs to be more clear and direct and open.
I'm not good at translation or interpretation apparently and will need help.

I'll go into a little more detail, what can it hurt? I'm already so thoroughly embarrassed and feel so belittled and gutted that it won't really matter to tell more of the story.

In the last year or so I tried like 4 or 5 'dating apps', and I probably attempted to speak to roughly 2000 women. I experimented with all sorts of ways to say hello, from very simplistic to highly intricate and eloquent.

My response ratio was way lower than 1%.
And when they did respond, it was half the time just a cruel insult about 'my looks' to a very deceptive game where they'd trick me into thinking something 'might work' and then proceed to treat me the exact same way. That's why I call it a curse.

There were perhaps 3 or 4 that seemed to like me but played all these games (games being a bunch of lies and tricks to deceive me into being super nice to them only so they could be a jerk to me and make it hurt, probably as punishment for their past bad relationships as if I was to blame).

When I say 'hot chick' what I mean is just an average looking (or better) girl. I think most females are very attractive between ages 22 and 50 in general. I'm not super picky or anything. That should be apparent already considering that I went after a female I didn't even know what she looked like just because I liked her.

Now, to continue in another post...

Since I wrote this to someone here maybe two weeks ago I'll just quote what I said because I think I covered it decently well.
And having those women on the dating sites just straight up insult my appearance, being insulted in real life, and having women overall treat me like complete garbage most of the time only reaffirms it and makes it more upsetting.

"In retrospect I think it was a complete mistake to show anyone what I looked like.
Although I don't show it I am actually really sensitive about that and it ended up really hurting my feelings.

It's really complicated but I'll explain quickly:

I was abandoned by my parents when I was around 6 months old and adopted by my grandmother who was never affectionate at all. All through my childhood, teens, and adulthood no one ever compliments or notices me.

I feel like women think I'm very unattractive and that's a curse, and it's maybe the worst thing psychologically for me.

Posting my pic only supported my underlying belief that it's true that I'm very unattractive and that is very depressing. Maybe I should just remove them though I realize the damage has been done. I'd rather go hide in a cave.

There's nothing that'll make it better so don't worry about it. I dunno why I'm even crying to you, I don't really have any serious friends so at least I get it off my chest and vent I guess.

You have no idea, my belief that I'm unattractive (based on how others treat me, especially women) has scarred my entire life. I've only been with one woman (my wife of 12 years) and she even told me I was ugly and never once complimented me.

That's why I come off as a grumpy old man, and why I would rather be thought of as a miserable cursed skeleton on fire...

I'm sorry I admitted this to you."


So now can we understand why my opinions about $$$ changed so drastically in just two years? Maybe a little bit? I didn't want to change, I have to adapt to a reality I cannot change and that I just gotta deal with. That I'm just born ugly and that even my own mother didn't want to hold me.

I don't want anyone's pity. I want all your nice comments about how personality and character and how "beautiful my soul is" to be the reality though everything I see proves it's just a lie we tell ourselves when we are not attractive physically. I wish it was true, but I don't want to live in denial either, I like understanding what's happening to me and why.