Softball with AugustusMasonicus

After careful consideration and much contemplation I arrived at the unavoidable conclusion that Above Top Secret desperately required a thread that drew inspiration from the great investigative journalists of our era, the Bob Woodwards, Carl Bernsteins and Seymour Hershs. Which then combined their talents for ferreting out the truth with the masters of the art of interview, the Howard Sterns, Diane Sawyers and Barbara Walters of the world, giving you the choicest details on each guest. A marriage of information and titillation. A truly marvelous portal into the psyches and ambitions of your fellow members. Bringing them to you on a human level and exposing their true selves in an intimate format with an effort to foster community and entertain the masses. Expository journalism at its finest.

This is not that thread.

Instead, you have me.

It will be a thread where I am teeing up beach ball-sized questions that my guests can hit out of the park while I simultaneously carry their water. In short, just another Main Stream Media-style interview minus the crass commercials for cheap products you do not need. Except maybe the ones I choose to insert into the posts due to my guaranteed Illuminati-Corporatist paycheck.

Each interview will be conducted via the sites Private Message system and posted here so you can devour every salacious morsel with voyeuristic avarice. You are then free to ask follow up questions to our guest in an effort to either better understand them personally or ridicule them for not agreeing 100% with whatever it is you think they are being a rock-head about. Preferably the former.

Our site is graced with many long standing members who have contributed greatly to what makes Above Top Secret unique. People from all walks of life and beliefs whose contributions you may recognize but never knew what made them who they are on a personal level. There are many to choose from and hopefully this ongoing thread can cover as many of them as are willing to participate (and if they mail me $50 I can move them up the list). But everything needs a beginning and I was fortunate enough to get an approval on my first request.

The inaugural member that was gracious enough to agree to this potentially rude and vile treatment is none other than the Minister of Mirth, the Raja of Ridiculousness, the Prince of Preposterousness, our very own DBCowboy.

AM: Well DB, you are certainly well known on this site, your wit and style are legendary. What brought you to Above Top Secret?

DB: What brought me to ATS? Simple. I was looking for porn sites. (Kidding. Or am I?) Government cover-ups. Government lies. I spent some time working for said government and I know that it (as an entity) tells fibs from time to time.

AM: So when you say 'fibs from time to time' are we talking the Post Office said it lost your mail but the letter carrier chucked them in a stream type fibs or we are really hiding aliens in Area 51 type fibs?

DB: [DB’s previous government involvement redacted to prevent him from being suicided.]

On the record; government has gotten into the habit of telling us what they want us to hear, not necessarily what we need to hear. I think there are a multitude of things we don't know about. I was stationed in England (Rendlesham Forest) in the early 80's, for example.

I, like anyone else, am curious about what really may be out there.

AM: Fair enough. So, what do you think is out there?

DB: Aliens. Really pissed off aliens. We have been portraying them in books, films for decades. We've made them evil, benign, ugly, green, grey.

#AlienLivesMatter.

We stereotype aliens. We never show the softer side of aliens. We use and abuse their technology.

The aliens that try to destroy the White House in movies? They were actually trying to help us.

And what do we do?

We always end up blowing them up.

I'm not an "alienist".

On a side note, when I hear of illegal aliens congregating in the parking lots of Home Depot, I imagine tiny creatures with antennae smoking cigarettes waiting for work.

AM: It truly is sad that they get such a bad rap, hell, we would not have the Luxor in Vegas if it weren't for their earlier handiwork. Are there any other conspiracies you believe in or find plausible?

DB: The only other big conspiracy, one I hesitate to bring up...is why Ben Affleck was tapped to portray Batman.

(Now I'm afraid. I should have never opened that can of worms!)

AM: Another truly puzzling conundrum. You are a rather prolific poster, what does your Significant Other or friends think about your borderline unhealthy obsession with this site?

DB: I used to dance naked in parking lots for spare change. My therapist thought this might be a better use of my time.

My wife thinks that as long as I'm not randomly painting mailboxes in my neighborhood, it's good.

AM: You recently referred to your self as a 'partisan asshole'. The regular members and even the casual poster has a good idea of your political views. Would you consider yourself more an avowed Trump supporter or more of an anybody but Hillary type voter?

DB: Anyone but Hillary. I was for Ben Carson initially. I am partisan in that I don't compromise my beliefs on rights and freedoms. I don't like the idea of ever compromising on a right, because it then stops being a right and becomes a negotiating point.

I believe that a legally married gay couple should walk into any bakery (armed) and order the cake of their choice while their transgender child uses the bathroom they feel most comfortable in.

Oh, and Obamacare sucks.

AM: So which politicians, past and present, do you feel represent or best espouse your views?

DB: George Washington. It's been going down hill since then.

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AM: Let's switch it up a little. What makes DB tick? When you're not posting here you're...?

DB: Usually drunk and naked. But then the public library told me to stop using their computers.

I've been on many sites over the years. I enjoy pontificating. Doesn't matter if it's an audience of 1 or 100. My views are just as annoying and irrelevant as anyone else's.

I used to think that if I could just reach out and touch one person...but Anthony Weiner told me a better way to do it.

I'm someone who likes to smile and have a laugh. Whether it's writing something funny or pushing a politician down a long flight of stairs, I'm in it for the fun.

It's been a pity lately. There hasn't been much to laugh at with the current political season.

AM: Here's a few of the promised softballs. Favorite film?

DB: Evolution with David Duchovny

AM: Television program?

DB: Battlestar Galactica (the new one, not that Lorne Greene crap).

AM: Book?

DB: Coloring. Or anything with monsters, car chases, babes, saucy verbage. But not the "50 Shades of Kinky".

AM: Accomplishment you are proudest about?

DB: My greatest accomplishments include;
Inventing the Rubik's Sphere
Re-usable toilet paper
Fart-scented candles
Sculpting Mt. Rushmore. (That one was great until some park rangers ran me off)

I invented the male-pattern-baldness-Eagle. For AMERICA!

But my best accomplishment is staying married to the same woman for decades and raising children to be just like me!

AM: Your poor wife, I see sainthood in her future. You previously mentioned in posts you travel quite frequently. Which destination do you enjoy visiting?

DB: I enjoy places off the beaten path. Places no one has heard of. Places no one really plans on going to.

Like Chicago, America, and The United States.

I wanted to visit Canada once, but I found out that it really doesn't exist. It was a meme created by two guys (both named Steve) in Montana a few years ago.

AM: Okay, the really pissed off, mis-portrayed aliens are coming. Which historical figure would you invite to dinner and what's on the menu for your last meal?

DB: Lady Gaga and sushi.



DBCowboy has been married for nearly 30 years, he and his wife have 2 children and reside in the Pacific Northwest. DB was raised in a variety of places (his family are gypsies) and is currently in the engineering field.
His hobbies include:

Screaming at kitchen utensils at Bed, Bath & Beyond
Writing obituaries for the imaginary friends he used to have
Stalking celebrities on the "D" list to boost their self-esteem
And Crayons.

Well folks, that wraps up our first interview. Hopefully you have gained a little more insight into what makes the Cowboy who he is...besides his penchant for being drunk and nude while playing with coloring books. Lest any of you think that's an issue, he's typically 1,001' away from a school when he's doing this.

DB, thanks for participating, it was a real treat and I appreciate you wasting your valuable time on my talentless and dumb ass. As a thank you I will have a pack of Pall Malls® and a 750ml of Four Roses Bourbon® left outside the front door of the sanitarium for you. Minus the bourbon of course which I intend to keep for myself.

Thank you all. Until the next time.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

This is not that thread.

Hopes crushed.

FTR, I don't think Ben Affleck is a bad Batman. I could never get over Christian Bale's horrible Batman voice.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

I really dig this idea. And i now have a newfound appreciation for dbcowboy.

originally posted by: theantediluvian
Hopes crushed.

Sorry. My mom always said to find something I am good at and do it.

Since you are not a small child standing near a mud puddle I can't push you in, the next thing after that was hope crushing, so I got that covered right now.

FTR, I don't think Ben Affleck is a bad Batman. I could never get over Christian Bale's horrible Batman voice.

He should have done it with his Southie accent instead, 'Hey, get the Bahtcah, the Jokah is bahk!'

originally posted by: AgarthaSeed
I really dig this idea. And i now have a newfound appreciation for dbcowboy.

Cool on both counts.

The idea was to turn it into a semi-regular series.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

My (slight) opinion of DB has vanished.

Who, in the name of all that's devilish, prefers the newer BSG over the originals?!

What the hell did I just read?

originally posted by: Cobaltic1978
What the hell did I just read?

A hard hitting piece of journalistic effort worthy of a Pulitzer.

originally posted by: TerryDon79
My (slight) opinion of DB has vanished.

Who, in the name of all that's devilish, prefers the newer BSG over the originals?!

People that like good special effects and semi-naked female characters?

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Worthy of a Pretzel perhaps, here, catch.

a reply to: Cobaltic1978

*nom nom nom*

I'll take what I can get.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: TerryDon79
My (slight) opinion of DB has vanished.

Who, in the name of all that's devilish, prefers the newer BSG over the originals?!

People that like good special effects and semi-naked female characters?

They're overrated.

The original BSG would still be better, even if it was sock puppets.

originally posted by: TerryDon79
They're overrated.

Semi-naked female characters are overrated? Hmmmm.

I may have to do an interview with you to find out who delivered the debilitating blow to your coconut at some point in your youth.

originally posted by: TerryDon79

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: TerryDon79
My (slight) opinion of DB has vanished.

Who, in the name of all that's devilish, prefers the newer BSG over the originals?!

People that like good special effects and semi-naked female characters?

They're overrated.

The original BSG would still be better, even if it was sock puppets.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

It was a semi-naked woman with a monkey wrench that had the light shining off of it in just the right way, aided by special effects, that hit me over the noggin and made me as durpy as I am today.

That it beer.

No, I can't blame beer. Beer is good.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: Cobaltic1978

*nom nom nom*

I'll take what I can get.

I suffer from misophonia.
Did you really have to eat the pretzel on the thread?

Eat your snacks in your own office.

originally posted by: InTheLight

originally posted by: TerryDon79

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: TerryDon79
My (slight) opinion of DB has vanished.

Who, in the name of all that's devilish, prefers the newer BSG over the originals?!

People that like good special effects and semi-naked female characters?

They're overrated.

The original BSG would still be better, even if it was sock puppets.

Keep those special effects away from me! You'll set off my ptwwwsd. (Post traumatic woman with wrench specialeffects disorder)

originally posted by: butcherguy
I suffer from misophonia.
Did you really have to eat the pretzel on the thread?

Eat your snacks in your own office.

Sorry. I'll put it back. Hopefully you're not a emetophobic too.

originally posted by: TerryDon79

originally posted by: InTheLight

originally posted by: TerryDon79

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: TerryDon79
My (slight) opinion of DB has vanished.

Who, in the name of all that's devilish, prefers the newer BSG over the originals?!

People that like good special effects and semi-naked female characters?

They're overrated.

The original BSG would still be better, even if it was sock puppets.

Keep those special effects away from me! You'll set off my ptwwwsd. (Post traumatic woman with wrench specialeffects disorder)

Sadly, my half-naked days wielding an adjustable wrench are over now, but it was fun while it lasted.