Being Married To An Alcoholic... My First Rodeo

a reply to: YayMayorBee

I grew up with an alcoholic family member and can certainly feel your pain. About 75% of the time I would come home from school to them black out drunk / stumbling around the house. My entire childhood was filled with embarrassing moments because I was always the kid who would show up to events, party, out in public, even at school, with a drunk family member and our entire town knew it.

Like others have said there is no reasoning with an alcoholic... it just doesn't work. My parent hit rock bottom multiple times, was forced by the state to move out of our home for a year, loss of license for 5 years, in house breathalyzer to stay out of jail, and none of it worked or even put a dent on it. This parent ended up in jail/state rehab for over a year and got out just a week before my high school graduation.

I agree with others that there is something deep inside that could be causing it. My parent would always repeat the same sad stories from 20+ years ago every time they were drunk... but when they were sober they wouldn't mention anything about those stories. The stories were usually depressing or negative in nature, which lead me to believe that they are drinking to try and hide or suppress something.

Don't give up the fight, it seems like you may be her only hope. Have you talked with any of her friends/family about this? Have they offered assistance? Or are you pretty much on your own?

a reply to: YayMayorBee I think you should get her treatment.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

Sorry for your troubles. Something is her trigger. The sooner you find out whats bothering her, the better you can understand and find ways to help her.

Check around her family and friends and see if you can find out. Just ask if they noticed anything different about her of late.

Do it discretely when you ask others, and quickly change the subject so it doesnt get back to her that you are asking around.

God bless you and your trials...and maybe call Ala-non. They discuss reasoning behind they loved one's issues and how you can learn to help her dealt with them. You too.

You can start at the link below...

alanonphonemeetings.org

a reply to: YayMayorBee

My opinion: Run!

When she is in a state where she has to drink to get over withdrawals, that s a serious sign.

Drop her, run. Maybe she realises something and starts to think about her actions and addictions.

It may sound harsh. But it comes from experience with all kinds of addictions in my social circles.

Addicts have one thing in common: they deny reality.
So they need to het a reality check. I dropped some of my friends, told them exactly why.
Told them as well, that it's not their persona, but their addiction/behaviour that puts me off.

Some have overcome their addictions and are back in my social circles.
Others did not. I don't miss them.
Especially the alcoholics. They are often worse than hard drug abusers.

a reply to: visitedbythem

Sometimes it's nothing.

I am betting she never drank like the 'typical' person who casually drinks. I think this is a case of alcohol is creeping up on a person to the point of dependency.

I went through sort o the same thing. I got into a routine, and caught myself drinking way to much on my days off. It started with just a few after work to full out drunk mowing the lawn, and cooking dinners on the weekends.

In order to stop this it will take a lot of work. But it sounds like she's bored and she fills her bord filled days with the booze.

You deserve a medal for all you've went through, I've never been an alcoholic and never will be but hopefully I can be of use to you. Benzos are addictive and can cause a serious physical dependancy just as bad as alcohol, not saying she should not use them, just something to watch out for.

When will people learn, Alcohol is the worst way to treat any sort of pain. When I see people trying to treat their pain with alcohol this is what I tell them, then I ask if they have tried Cannabis. Your biggest obstactle with alcoholics is that their brain function is impaired when their sober as well. When you binge drink hard for a long time is when your brain cells will actually die/ shut off permanently, and the effects last some time however dont lose hope cause they bounce right back once the persons abstained for long enough. But this is the problem, how do you communicate with someone who's brain is in that dense of an Alcohol fog? If only there was a way to snap her out of it and put her in a different state of mind. Cannabis increases neural activity and makes you feel euphoric, its worked well for me in the past at parties or wherever I drank too much and needed to straighten my head out, this is the only reason I thought I'd mention it. When I was in high school before I started smoking, I would binge drink with my friends, and I didnt even realize how much I dont like getting drunk. It was only when I started smoking weed I realized I could have a good time and get high instead of drunk, drive home fine, go to work next morning fine, not ruin my life. Honestly if it wasnt for the weed I might still be binge drinking on the weekends, or doing something worse.

I'm kinda on the fence when it comes to treating addictions with psychedellics, but I cant deny that for certain people Ibogaine therepy has been effective. Its worth looking into, best wishes.

www.ibogainealliance.org...
www.maps.org...

I really feel your pain, I've lost my sister last year because of this.

For her it all started about 5 years ago after she had an operation (gastric bypass), because she had put on an enormous amount of weight in mere months, probably because of anti-depressants she took. After that operation she was never the same again.

She did exactly what your wife does, binch-drink till she passed out in her bed the whole day. After a while she didn't even get out of the bed anymore to release bodily fluids. More then once I got a call from her panicked boyfriend in the morning on his way to work, which she had bought a house with, to go find her lying in her bed covered in filth.
We succeeded in admitting her to a hospital about 6 or 7 times, for about a month and a half each time. She got out sober everytime, but started picking up the drinking again mostly after a day or so and then relapse into her previous situation.

Now, she had psychological problems ofcourse, mostly concerning our mildly abusive father back in the day, but she took on more and more problems the further in she got, basically every little things got worse and worse in her mind the further along she went. Eventually it reached a point where because of the operation she went through, her liver was about toast and she was warned that at any time she started drinking again she could die. This helped her maybe a fair amount, as she eventually seperated from her boyfriend and went on to rent an appartment close to me. Everything seemed to be going in the right direction till one day, while still moving into her new appartment, I got that dreadfull call from my mother, who also lived close by, screaming that she had not been heard of in 3 days and that I had to go check on her.
To make this short, I had to call police to bust in the door, only to find her there lying in her sofa, void of life. I couldn't even see her because as they stated, it was a hideous sight to see and they did not wish for me to have to watch her like that.

This probably doesn't help you, but it might be usefull in finding parallels.
Antabuse did help her at times when we took her in our home ourselves but it seems it lost efficacy after a while because she just started drinking through it, even after us mildly forcing her to take the pills.

I can offer no simple advice, other then to be there for her every step of the way, as opposed to what other people say to leave her to fend for her own. That is something I still blame myself for to this day, not being there enough for her.
I suppose it'll all be relevant to the deeper psychological problems your wife may be having. Tantamount is to find out what it is ofcourse, although I can admit that this is no easy matter if she won't open up. My sister never opened up to her psychologists neither, and only in little amounts to me and my mother.

Alcoholism is a very very very tough project. If you can, without losing your own job or income along the way, I would suggest spending as much time with her as you possibly can to find out the deeper problems and offer her all the love she needs. One of the problems my sister had was that, as a midwife, she worked very different hours from her boyfriend, which led to them not really being able to spend enough time together. This loneliness was probably one of the main catalysts to her going for the bottle.

Also try and include as many of her friends as possible in the process, not so much for prying out the problems in her head but just to make her feel wanted and needed and loved. I remember times when she was asking for hugs and I denied her, stating that she had to clean up her act first, but that only seemed to work against the cure.

I sincerely hope, from the bottom of my heart, that your wife can pull through this. Seek as much advice as you can get because as I said before, it's a very very nasty disease. Also don't neglect yourself, because it takes a huge toll on you as well.

Best regards

a reply to: strongfp

This here is a really big deal- BOREDOM. Some scientists are starting to find the the most common denominator in all addictions is boredom. It makes perfect sense. Not that there aren't other factors at play, like depression or trauma, but it does sound like she chooses nothing to fill her time with, aside from drinking.

Good luck man. I can only imagine what you are dealing with. I commend you for sticking around and wanting to help her. I hope all works out well!

I've had some experience with addicts and one thing I've noticed is that they tend to have a propensity for sabotaging their lives.

I wonder if, in a perverse way, it is a control issue? They see things going well, maybe too much so, so they step in and screw it up themselves before another person or random event can do it for them.

As to enabling - if you're in any sort of relationship with an addict there will be an element of enablement.

Anything you would do for a friend, such as giving them a meal or a lift, will be seen by the addict as an opportunity to take another step towards their next 'fix'. Any money saved on food or fares will immediately be earmarked for their substance of choice.

But, as a friend, you can't abandon them to die in the gutter. Even if it means 'enabling' to a degree, you help to keep them alive for another day.

Because each day they survive can be seen as an opportunity for them to seek help. Or for help to find them. It's not just about another day's drinking.

It can take years, I know that, but there is always hope that you can keep them afloat until the cavalry can take over.

Just don't expect any gratitude afterwards. Whatever they may say once they've sobered up, there's no guarantee that they'll genuinely appreciate your efforts. They may even resent you.

I'm sorry to say this but it's unlikely that you'll get your marriage back to the way it was. You'll have to decide if you want to help your wife regardless of the fact that there may be no hope for a proper future together.

ETA - that last paragraph isn't meant to be cruel but the reality is that you're going to need to be incredibly strong and may have to give up a lot.

Force the rock bottom scenario. Surely you have dreams, aspirations for your marriage. She has ruined your future. I'd be pissed off since she's done this before and didn't tell you. Threaten to leave then do it if she doesn't seek help willingly.

Drinking like this shows one clear thing: she can *never* be normal around alcohol. Ever. So either she abstains for life and comits to treatment and continued therapy or it's gotta be over for you.

She hid her past. She's drinking with a death wish. Throw her the ultimatum that's she's sabotaged your marriage and needs detox now with treatment and follow-up therapy or it's over.

The silent treatment is useless... You and her have a lifetime problem here. It must be dealt with medically or you must save yourself and your future.

Good luck.

ETA: I know you're a new to this, I'm just trying to save you years of uncertainty, lies, ups & downs, and broken promises.

You can get 'experienced' on this #ty topic like many of us, and you may since your heart is in the right place, or you can save your future early-on and force the hard conversations now by dealing with this monster-of-an-issue in the cold, harsh light.

This ain't no walk in the park. She's always going to have a problem.

Thanks everyone... as you can imagine due to this situation, sitting down to write responses is tough. Even if I don't act on any of your advice, just being able to share this with people has been a huge help FOR ME. So I thank you for that.

Here is my current course of action for at least the short term:

1. Number one and most important (I believe) is I have decided to completely give up alcohol myself. I do this for a few reasons. First, I believe I need to lead by example. Second, never being exposed to alcoholism, I never knew how damaging it was. This situation has made me self-reflect my own actions. No matter how this ends, my house will be a sober one moving forward. Lastly, my hope is she overcomes this (obviously) and if its going to stick, having a dry house will be the only way it can happen.

2. For those who say "Run"- Sorry, I love my wife. We all have demons, including myself. I feel running away from her is no different than her running away from her problems by consuming alcohol. I feel if I "run", then I am a hypocrite for asking her to face her problems. There will be a breaking point where I distance myself almost completely and I am hoping it doesn't come to that.

3. In response to those asking about family and friends. Admittedly, we are both loners by nature (which is the primary reason why we fell in love to begin with). Friends and family are scarce. From what I gather from her family is, "this is just the way she is". Not in a mean way but I believe they have already gone through what I am going through and they hit their breaking point. I am pretty angry they have essentially let it become "my problem", but at the same time, I cannot blame them.

4. I am continuing my silent treatment method. I am pretty mellow mannered guy and I can keep my cool for the most part. Basically, I am communicating that if she wants help, I am more-than-happy and more-than-willing to facilitate that help. But if she is going to choose to drink, I will not help her.

5. For those saying, "Get her treatment"... trust me when I say if I could, I would. For one, its not cheap and the cheap methods mean some REALLY terrible places. But overall, I learned you can force someone into treatment BUT one, its VERY difficult to do so and two, forcing someone into treatment (others who have experience this can confirm) when they don't want it never works.

One thing she has expressed in all this is the bombardment of everyone who knows about the situation (including me) is NOT helping. The constant, "Get help" "You should try this" perpetuates in her mind and makes her feel even more depressed/loser whatever.

I suspect that if she was to "sus out" or deeply explore her own psyche she'd find that somewhere, deep down she feels powerless about some aspect of her life.

Doing drugs or drinking is an attempt by the addicted to take back power.

When I drink, *I* am doing something for *ME* that changes how *I* feel. I am in control of my state of being. This is another reason why the addict will ignore other people's pleas to stop. To them, "I'll have my drink and I'll be damned if anyone else is going to stop me!" ... And also this is another reason they'll freak out when they are prevented from having that drink.

Feeling powerless over one's life is often times hard to uncover, as it usually lies underneath a lot of other surface issues.

I haven't read the other responses here yet -- I wanted to address your OP first before going on to see what others have said.

I know for me, personally, AA wasn't the answer. AA is a bunch of people all leaning on one another because they are told they can never manage their own lives ever again, and someone else is going to have to tell them what to do for the rest of their lives. That, to me, just perpetuated the powerlessness over my life.

I needed to learn how to have control over my life, feel in charge of my direction and purpose. I needed to know that what I was doing was a choice, not some kind of magical mumbo jumbo. That bottle did not hop off a table and force itself into my hand. I, at all times, was making a choice.

I also am a firm believer it is NOT a disease. Are people that smoke cigarettes "smokeaholics" for life? Are they born destined to be addicted to cigarettes no matter what?

The fact of the matter is a drug is a drug is a drug. Nicotine, alcohol, heroin whatever. They're all substances that change your brain chemicals in order to change how you feel.

What's weird is that in society certain drugs are socially acceptable. Booze and smokes for example. You can be a "social drinker" and no one thinks anything of it.

Anyone ever heard of a "social meth smoker" or a "social heroin user"?

AA is fine if it works for you. To me, it was to cult like. Sponsors often times take this air of "large and in charge" and order their sponsees around, even getting them to do crap like paint their houses.

I knew a woman that had to call her sponsor every night after reading the same 5 pages from "the big book" (not the good book, mind you) and praying on it. Yes, every night. She did this for months. When she asked, the sponsor told her, "I'll know when you are ready to stop".

What kind of mental power trip is that about? Seriously? These are grown-ass people here.

Any way to stop is a good way I guess. I just have a lot of fundamental problems with AA. Consider that it's founder Bill Wilson was a morally corrupt guy who cheated on his wife constantly, and demanded whiskey on his deathbed...the entire thing was dreamed up in the 30's and hasn't been revised since.

Would you let a doctor from the 1930's operate on you today?

Anyway, I hope you can find some way to get things worked out -- you may want to look into codependency stuff for yourself, living and dealing with a problem drinker like that takes its toll on YOU, and you need to also be looking at what you can do for yourself as well as her.

I have to check (hang on, grabbing smart phone) --- Here's my stats:

Sober since: August 18th 2014:

-599.43 days

-4,875 drinks not consumed

-$12,291 saved

-472,920 calories not consumed

Wow, I haven't checked that app in a long time. Honestly I have so much other awesomeness going on in my life these days I forget about it.

It's possible to recover. Remember, we didn't emerge from the womb craving booze. Hell, 99.99% of us hated the way it tasted the first time we tried it. Remember that? Remember wondering how in the hell adults drank the stuff? That's because it's a poison, and your body was telling you it was bad for you. It's a solvent, made from decaying/dead plant matter.

We have no nutritional need for alcohol in our lives. We don't need it to survive. Heavy/problem/alcoholic drinkers lived just fine before booze, and if they want to and try -- they can live just fine without it.

That's the thing -- you have to WANT it.

I wanted it, and now I have it.

I was a cross addicted substance abuser and alcoholic for most of my adult life. Functioning but confused and afraid of life and self medicating to dull the pain.

My time in Jail and going thru the court system was the epiphany I needed to start making responsible decisions.

The pain of being incarcerated is a fantastic learning tool and motivation factor in getting clean and sober.

Oh, and I highly recommend this book:



Amazon. The guy has seriously impressive success rates, and a lot of celebrities have quit drinking or smoking from reading his books.

It basically reprograms your brain to not see any value in drinking.

When you value something, not being able to do it anymore makes you crave it.

If you find no value in doing something, it is a lot easier to move on with your life and not miss it anymore. That was a huge part of AA that never sat well with me.

I'd hear SO MANY "old timers" carry on about "how good that beer on TV looked". Seriously? You've been sober for 10 years, and you're still missing it? You're still torturing yourself and feeling a longing for something?

When you hold yourself back from something you still want, that craving only builds and builds and builds. You have to eventually some how destroy the value that thing/behavior holds for you.

Do I value smoking crack? No. Never have. It's not an option for me, and never held any kind of value. That is probably why I never have tried it, or want to try it. I have reprogrammed myself to treat booze the same way. If other people want to do it, fine -- they're just playing with fire. It's something for other people, but not me anymore. There's nothing of value there for me, it doesn't do anything positive for me. Booze doesn't help me in any way reach my goals or make me any better of a person. It's a toxic poison that costs a ton of money and wastes my time and health.

It's one important area of recovery I think never gets addressed that would go a LONG way to helping people. That's why that book is a good addition to any recovery effort IMO.

I've dabbled with writing my own recovery program book ...

a reply to: MystikMushroom

Thank you for all this advice. I will respond in length a bit later but the book has been purchased.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

Even if you yourself don't have a huge problem with alcohol, if you finish the book you'll probably find you just don't have any desire to drink anymore.

There's really no benefit. We just tell ourselves booze has all these wonderful benefits.

"It helps me relax!" ... No, it just makes you forget about things you probably need to be taking care of. You can relax with a hot bath, meditation or reading a good book.

"It makes me braver!" ... No, it just makes you dumb and forget to be afraid, which can be dangerous

"It makes me funny!" ... Really? Maybe videotape yourself drunk and then watch yourself sometime when sober. It'll probably be cringe-worthy..

I could go on and on...

originally posted by: olaru12
a reply to: YayMayorBee

She needs to be admitted to a Treatment center....now!

Treatment is the only answer...

Great advice above...So sorry for you OP.

a reply to: MystikMushroom

When my friend got cleaned up he had a lot of support from AA and NA and even gave 'talks' himself to help others with their recovery.

It all sounded very positive and worthy until I realised that drinking and drug taking was still a huge part of his life.

He was hanging out with exactly the same type of people as before except now they were all sober and cleaned up. Talking about drink and drugs instead of 'doing' them.

Those would always be the sort of people he felt comfortable with and could relate to.

Well done to anyone who can completely break away from it.

a reply to: berenike

Getting sober is really the only thing that matters. How you go about it is a personal journey, and there isn't a "one size fits all" recipe. I give AA a pass because of that, but those in AA would disagree with me and claim that their way is the best way.

We only hear about the successes of AA, not the failures. The fact is that spontaneous remission (quitting on your own one day) mirrors the success rate of AA. AA takes all the credit for people's successes, but neglects to mention how many enter and leave through their revolving door.

There's a fairly good test one can take called the AWARE test by a guy named Terrence Gorski ... he's sort of the accepted "guru" of relapse prevention. It's called the AWARE test.

It helps let you know what your risk for a relapse might be. The important thing is to answer honestly.

In fact, in any kind of recovery -- being honest with yourself and others is probably the biggest thing. It's also one of the hardest things. Alcoholics and drug addicts have spent a lot of time not being honest, and learning to hide things about what they do and who they are. Learning to look at the ugly parts, admitting them to yourself and others is hard. It's also one of the only ways you can really ever move forward.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

It sounds like she is trying to cope for some stressfull situation. Did she have inapproriate things done to her when she was a young girl? Did she just discover a dark family secret? If you ask her, be VERY careful how you approach her about this. Prepare yourself first.
I understand the situation as I went through this when my father passed away. Just talk to her. Be supportive.