Being Married To An Alcoholic... My First Rodeo

a reply to: YayMayorBee

Take her out to a restaurant (with no alcohol)? To a cinema? Let her have fun and then seize the opportunity to get (smoothly!) into talk with her?

A shrink is really your best bet. For her sake!

a reply to: YayMayorBee As A recovering alcoholic. (20 years sober) I know I cannot drink like other people. I used to drink until I was falling down daily. I agree that she has to want to get better. I was in and out of treatment
6 or seven times before I actually wanted help. She has to hit her bottom. As another poster has said, Get help from AA. They are there for you too.

originally posted by: YayMayorBee
a reply to: IAMTAT

I have looked into it. Quite frankly, being in the situation is so much different than the TV version. Professional interventionist are very expensive. Furthermore, we are the point where she drinks to curb the physical withdrawal of the alcohol. She is not a "functioning" alcoholic (which I believe is more appropriate of an intervention [but I could be wrong])

'Functioning' alcoholic is a relative term...but I believe that an intervention can be effective. I've participated in two with family members...they are helpful in getting them into treatment.

If you cannot afford a professional, I'd suggest an intervention with entry into a program set up ahead of time...and a loving gathering of family and friends to at least tell their stories as to how your wife's illness is effecting them...and how much they fear for her.
These can get ugly...but they can also work.

a reply to: BeefNoMeat

Yes, its absolutely ludicrous. She began to WITHDRAW at .37.

Trust me when I say I am more perplexed than anyone. I always imagined an alcoholic like they show on TV, just drinking all day but at least functioning. At this point, I would take a functioning alcoholic over this. As I write this, I havent heard from her all day long. Not a text message or a single notification. She literally could be dead at this very moment (not trying to be overly dramatic).

Am I wrong in thinking this is slightly different than a "typical" alcoholic? All of the stories I read online are of people whom have spouses that "drink too much" and get abusive or stupid...mine is literally awake for maybe 3 hours a day. CHUGS alcohol. Passes out and repeats.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.
If you were to take yourself away from her, let's just not go there...
Saying that, she needs help and she needs to learn skills that build her own self worth up enough that she can look at herself in a mirror and not hate what she sees. Are there ANY friends, family, anyone? If not, that could be part of the problem.

originally posted by: trontech
a reply to: YayMayorBee As A recovering alcoholic. (20 years sober) I know I cannot drink like other people. I used to drink until I was falling down daily. I agree that she has to want to get better. I was in and out of treatment
6 or seven times before I actually wanted help. She has to hit her bottom. As another poster has said, Get help from AA. They are there for you too.

Question still stands...is the silent treatment at this point the best route? From what I gather its basically:

If she passes out- Leave her wherever she falls

If she misses an appointment or something important- Dont Cover for her

If she is crawling around on the floor- Don't help her

Aside from a life threatening injury, do I just let her wallow with this until she asks for help?

originally posted by: swanne
a reply to: YayMayorBee

Take her out to a restaurant (with no alcohol)? To a cinema? Let her have fun and then seize the opportunity to get (smoothly!) into talk with her?

Taking her anywhere is pretty much out of the question. I took her grocery shopping with me a few weeks back to "watch her" she excused herself to go to the bathroom, purchased a bottle of wine in the self checkout, downed it in the bathroom, and found me.

I knew something was up when out of the blue in the middle of the store she started stumbling until I had to leave my cart to drag her out before she fell over.

a reply to: YayMayorBee Honestly, I don't want to tell you anything that may not be right. But give AA a call, They have dealt with thousands of people just like you. They can tell you what you should do in your situation. And it could make you feel better knowing you were doing the right thing.

originally posted by: YayMayorBee

originally posted by: trontech
a reply to: YayMayorBee As A recovering alcoholic. (20 years sober) I know I cannot drink like other people. I used to drink until I was falling down daily. I agree that she has to want to get better. I was in and out of treatment
6 or seven times before I actually wanted help. She has to hit her bottom. As another poster has said, Get help from AA. They are there for you too.

Question still stands...is the silent treatment at this point the best route? From what I gather its basically:

If she passes out- Leave her wherever she falls

If she misses an appointment or something important- Dont Cover for her

If she is crawling around on the floor- Don't help her

Aside from a life threatening injury, do I just let her wallow with this until she asks for help?

My feeling...from what you've said, your wife's life is in danger. She needs treatment and therapy ASAP.
Enabling her is a mistake...so don't cover for her.
She needs to hit bottom...but, again, it sounds like her life is currently in danger...so she may be there.

I'm sorry, it is pure hell living with and loving someone with this illness.
I wish I could offer you more...but you have to try everything you possibly can FIRST....then you need to walk away...as painful as that may be.
Try the intervention with close friends and family.

a reply to: IAMTAT

It is hard but the benefits are worth it in the long run.

Whatever you do, you can't do it on your own. You MUST have some help. Doctor, shrink, AA - someone with professional experience on how to deal with this. Call someone - NOW.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and my heart goes out to you and your wife.


There is no rationalizing with an alcoholic, so don't even try, it will just be a waste of time and energy.


The woman obviously needs help and I agree with the others who have mentioned going to those AA meetings for family members. If anyone can help you, it will be them. You need to do this for yourself as well as your wife. I am sure this must be overwhelming for you. I can see how frustrated you are and how much you desperately want to help your wife. My thoughts and heart are with you.

You have your ATS family here by your side. I'm sure it must be like a roller coaster ride for you right now. Hang in there Sweetie, we care. HUGS!

a reply to: IAMTAT

Intervention with close family members and friends sounds like it would be worth a try.

a reply to: Night Star

It can get them to admit to having a problem and needing help. That is always the first step.
It can also get ugly...but, in the end, some problems need to be confronted, rather than ignored or enabled...especially where the life of a loved one is involved. Feelings need to be expressed...but always from love and in a loving supportive, but honest manner...no matter how angry the alcoholic may become.
Strength in numbers...for the alcoholic, as well as those who care about them.

imo, from how you've explained it, she sounds dangerously suicidal, rather than just simply having a problem with alcohol consumption.

I don't personally have any idea how you would go about rectifying the situation... but goddamn! I feel sympathy for anyone who're in such pain that they would abuse themselves to such an extreme extent.

originally posted by: Subaeruginosa
imo, from how you've explained it, she sounds dangerously suicidal, rather than just simply having a problem with alcohol consumption.

I have felt its more suicidal than substance abuse as well. But...out of the Blue? Literally? We had (can't speak for her) a pretty near perfect relationship with really no "typical" problems (money, kid stress, etc).

I have known her for 3 years and I think I am a pretty sharp guy and I never once got the whiff something of this magnitude was secretly festering.

My theory...

1. An event happens that turns her to drinking again, perhaps even minor
2. Drinking cycle begins
3. Starts drinking to point where withdrawal symptoms begin
4. Goes to hospital multiple time for treatment (benzos)
5. Now withdrawal from both alcohol and benzos
6. Never ending cycle of alcohol>benzos>alcohol>benzos>alcohol
7. Now at the point where depression/brain chemistry is SO unwired, only drinking till blackout helps

I should have mentioned the benzos to begin with (the go to treatment for alcohol withdrawal are drugs like Ativan)

Has anyone ever had experience with "Antabuse"? I guess its a drug that makes you EXTREMELY sick when you ingest alcohol to curb consumption.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

Do you have a Community Mental Health Counseling in your area? In PA it is a state run agency, they may be called something different in other states.


Anyhow contact them ASAP and tell them of her habits and how you think she is trying to drink herself to death. They in turn with your help can put her in the hospital on a 72 hour mental health hold where she can be checked out and possibly be put directly from there into a rehab.


Tough spot to be in. I hate to even recommend that action, but from what you have described she might not (liver, kidney wise) have a whole lot of time left if she continues......

You know where she's buying her booze. Go down there and have 'a word' with them.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

I have a solution that may work for you, but I have no idea if you'll believe it, so I'll try.

In you post you mentioned GOD, and this is why I was compelled to respond.

Jeshua / Jesus is probably the most familiar icon that is associated, rightly so, to GOD. So I don't think Jeshua would mind me suggesting that you follow this path and see what it does for you and your girl.

Next time that you look at that beautiful being's face, see Jesus' face. Believe she is, because she is. Now, similarly, go to the nearest mirror and look into it - and, as before, see Jesus' face on you - you are Jesus.

Lastly call out to Jesus and ask for help. You will know what to do after that. Keep this in mind: when you help any being, you help yourself. This could very well be all about helping you, your girl , or us all.

Good luck - but you don't really need it. LOVE.

GTF OUT! NOW!
Or go down with the ship...your choice...there are virtually NO others of any consequence....sorry for your luck buddy...I really do empathize/identify with your situation....but GTF OUT!