I was lost in a beautiful delusion

I am the biggest idiot that I know. I trusted the man I fell in love with 16 years ago. We have had a good relationship. We were best friends. We were inseparable. We were unstoppable. We were fooling ourselves.
I found out a couple of days ago that the guy I thought I knew everything about had a deep dark secret that he has kept from me for all of these years.
A little history for you. He and I are both 45 years old. We were from a small country town. I worked in law enforcement and he worked for his families restraint. He was raised as a "naturalist". I was raised in a traditional setting. I was married at 18 and soon had two children. Was married for 9 years then divorced. He lived very simply and had no responsibility other than the family business and his few chores at home.
After my divorce I was working three jobs. One of those jobs being third shift at a convenience store. He came in one night at about 2 am. Purchased some orange juice and fuel. I told him that I liked his old Ford truck. I guess that hooked him. He came back several times over the next week then finally asked me out. We spent all of our waking hours over the next year with each other or trying to get to one another.
My two boys loved him. He was such a breath of fresh air to us. My little hippie. We decided to live together after two years. Things just could not have been more wonderful.
After the third year I told him that I was going to go to work for my sister who managed an apartment complex that had new additions under construction. We were living on meager earnings and could not get ahead, so he agreed. He stayed behind. We commuted back and forth to see each other for months. 10 months later he calls me to tell me that he couldn't stand it anymore and was on his way to be with me. We were married that summer. A small ceremony with my family and the 60 or so elderly residents that lived in the apartment complex. It was beautiful.

I'm making myself sick as I type this. I caught my husband of 16 years doing illicit drugs a few days ago. He gave every reason in the world to be doing it. He has been doing it for all this time. The person that I thought I knew is no longer here. The person I have given everything to is no longer worthy. I was lost in a beautiful delusion. Now I am hit with the harsh reality of the lie that I have lived all this time.
Where to go from here?
I feel that I must be the most stupid, oblivious, naive idiot in the entire world.

stupid .. not really

unforgivable .. not really

u love him ? .. not really ?

EDIT:

the level of affection and love I read you have for eachother

you said you were unstoppable

will this stop you?

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

You don't want a partner....you want someone you can control!

He's better off without you....

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

I think you're in shock. Trust is of utmost importance in a relationship. And real love is unconditional - so maybe there is room to help him and forgive him and move on?

My question - why is he doing these drugs? Find out why. Not that it is going to make everything better but is he self medicating?

Good luck!

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

I would understand the feeling of betryal

"my little hippie"

I absolutel love that


EDIT:

I do admit.. personally .. i would chuck a hissy fit

don't get me wrong it's not what I am saying you are doing
just being honest how I would react

if he is good extra hella good I would let it be soon
but not just yet ..

You clearly didn't have all that much of a connection with him, if your prepared to just drop him off like he was nothing over such an benign issue.

I mean, for your sake I hope he was wasting the babies bottle formula money on something extremely heavy. Otherwise you're clearly just completely over exaggerating.

But each to there own, I suppose.

originally posted by: Subaeruginosa
You clearly didn't have all that much of a connection with him, if your prepared to just drop him off like he was nothing over such an benign issue.

I mean, for your sake I hope he was wasting the babies bottle formula money on something extremely heavy. Otherwise you're clearly just completely over exaggerating.

But each to there own, I suppose.

To you drugs are benign , for others not so much.
I dont smoke, drink or do drugs and would not be in a relationship with someone that did.
Sounds like the OP is probably less bothered by the drug usage and more bothered by the lack of trust.

Apparently he still is the same man you thought you knew. It obviously didn't change him in to some monster. He remained a man you felt safe with, loved and wanted to be with. If he's been doing it all this time, how have you not noticed? Or is it that you just didn't want to? After being married for 20 years, there's no way I could have been doing drugs all that time and my wife not know it.

If those "illicit" drugs are contributing to the joy you feel, what difference does it make?

Suppose you found out he was a "diabetic" and was using insulin every day without your knowledge. Or was going to the Church of Scientology every time he said he was running out for an errand or to the gym. Or liked to dress in your undies while you are out.....
or is a chocolate fiend and hides chocolate from you in his sock drawer....

If he "quits" the drugs, he WILL become a different person. If you love him, shouldn't you give him some respect for managing his life and your relationship in HIS OWN WAY? Shouldnt you try to understand WHY he uses?

Most "illicit drug users" find some comfort in their DOC (Drug of Choice), and it makes their lives "better" subjectively. If it makes their relationships more pleasant for ALL PARTIES, and makes the person happy or able to cope with what otherwise would be too painful, I have trouble condemning it.

I understand the feeling of betrayal (having recently been shocked to learn about a behavior in a loved one that I'd not known about) - and I've gone through all the stages of "grief" - denial/panic, catastrophizing they would die any day, blaming their friends, anger, bargaining, etc.

It won't help you OR him to just shun him and tell people he ruined your life.

I don't have any answers for you - I'm interested in the situation due to a proximal issue I am dealing with now. I've decided that (at least for now), I'm going to trust that person that they know how to be careful and smart, and realized that in the end, I cannot control them and pitching a fit would be of no use.

Maybe you could ask some questions about how he got involved, how cautious he is about "responsible" drug use so you can have a little faith that he knows what he's doing. Not that you should enable, just that you could try to be understanding of how it came about, how "dangerous" and awful it really is, etc. Suppose the drugs keep him from doing atrocious things TO OTHERS? Helps him with severe anxiety or depression or thoughts of suicide that you ALSO have no idea about.

"Illicit drug use" is ALWAYS self-medication unless it is purely recreational.
Good luck with the shock and pain and grief that I know you are enduring. If it's too much for YOU to bear, then you need to take care of YOU - is getting rid of him better than being with him as he is?

What are your plans right now?
Also - if you need some nonATS support, you can go to MDJunction where they have forums (moderated) about dealing with this kind of thing. There's LOTS of help out there (real help). You're not alone. Don't get hysterical (like I did); that just adds to the family distress; instead, look for support from others who are dealing with a same situation. But remember that EVERY person is different. No matter what others say, your mileage may vary.

a reply to: refined
I have attributed a lot of moments that he was messed up to his ADHD and workaholic tendancies. Yes I feel stupid for not knowing what he was really doing.
It is a forgivable thing. I guess I need to think about it some more.
I love him with all of me.
I guess I cant get past the deceit. If he had flat out lied about this it would be easier.

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

It is a forgivable thing. I guess I need to think about it some more.
I love him with all of me.
I guess I cant get past the deceit.

Exactly. Can you ask him why he thought he needed to keep it secret? Did he know you would flip out and dump him if he did? Was he worried you'd judge him? How much do you know about the particular drug?

If he had flat out lied about this it would be easier.

No, it would be worse. Trust me.

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

In my opinion it's the ADHD. Being a workaholic is one symptom.

MAYBE if he gets the proper meds to handle his ADHD he wouldn't feel the need to self medicate. I hear what you have said and I understand.

My hubby is severe ADHD and it wasn't until he went on ADHD meds did his life take a turn for the better and he finally was able to cope with all the chaos in his head. That was at the age of 38. Most of his crazy behaviour and irresponsible behaviour has cleaned up.

Proper counselling would be of benefit to him as well so that he knows he is not alone, isn't a bad person and can find the right techniques to handle his thoughts and actions before letting the ADHD control him.

I wish you all the best.

originally posted by: sassymcsnickerson
a reply to: refined
I have attributed a lot of moments that he was messed up to his ADHD and workaholic tendancies. Yes I feel stupid for not knowing what he was really doing.
It is a forgivable thing. I guess I need to think about it some more.
I love him with all of me.
I guess I cant get past the deceit. If he had flat out lied about this it would be easier.

I am smiling .. all i am hearing is that you have fire in your heart... love with passion.. still after this long and obviously the fire in your heart is inexhaustible ..

and he sounds mad for you but mainly commited to you

a reply to: ccseagull
I kind of feel like I am in shock. Im not just going to give up on him. I will keep on trying.
He says that he started doing this to feel better and have more energy. He is in a very physically demanding line of work and feels like he needed the edge to keep up and keep doing it.

If he has been doing drugs for 16 years and has not escalated why not talk to him about it, why through 16 years and some thing good away if its not harming you , him ,the kids. If I have got this wrong let me know.

a reply to: Subaeruginosa

What you apparently don't 'get' is it is NOT a 'benign' issue to everyone.

Especially, a single mother with children to consider in their future upbringing and role models.

I hazard to guess, you and other critical posters of her response are users yourselves. Perhaps also dishonest to your spouses.

Overall, though, it is a good thing you and your ilk post your objections, that makes it far easier to scratch them off of any 'potential' list she may have for the future.

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

Good for you. The shock is horrible. I was terrified.
So, here you go -
www.mdjunction.com...

a reply to: nwtrucker

Overall, though, it is a good thing you and your ilk post your objections, that makes it far easier to scratch them off of any 'potential' list she may have for the future.

Right. Because walking away from a mutually loving, working relationship is FAR better than staying in one.

/sarcasm

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere might be happy.
H.L. Mencken...

a reply to: nwtrucker

I suppose according to you at least, it would have been more benign if he was tapping some blonde 22 year old little cutey, rather than just simply performing the evil immoral act of stimulating a few brain receptors?

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson


Of course you're in shock. The kind of love you have described doesn't get shut on and off. You'll get through this and I'm willing to bet you'll be stronger together than ever before when all is resolved. I'm not condoning his behaviour, just so you know, just trying to help you see it in a way you may have not considered before.