I was lost in a beautiful delusion

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

A small point . "Trained".

One doesn't 'train' a truck driver. IF one goes to a truck driving school, somewhat analogous of your training, one is 'trained' to qualify for licensing.(of which, almost one for one, will be involved in some form of accident in the first year...just like you made mistakes in your profession early on).

One then 'learns' his craft, hands on.

One doesn't have to be a professional to learn the art of driving. One doesn't have to be a professional to learn the art of relationships either. many do learn both on a daily basis...

Maybe her husband wanted to get caught. Could be a cry for help... He's probably relieved that you finally know about it now. Best wishes to you both.

originally posted by: BuzzyWigs
If those "illicit" drugs are contributing to the joy you feel, what difference does it make?

Um.. What? The difference it makes is that those feelings aren't natural, real feelings, and unless someone wants to stay on the "illicit" drugs forever, coming off of them after extended use because it was contributing to their joy makes them far more miserable than they were when they even began using; and for the same reasons.

a reply to: nwtrucker

Okay, I'm done dealing with you. I have professional "training", advanced EDUCATION, lots of KNOWLEDGE, decades of FIRST HAND experience, and no matter how much you want to dismiss or ridicule me, nothing you can say takes any of my knowledge or skills or life experience away.

originally posted by: BuzzyWigs
Most "illicit drug users" find some comfort in their DOC (Drug of Choice), and it makes their lives "better" subjectively. If it makes their relationships more pleasant for ALL PARTIES, and makes the person happy or able to cope with what otherwise would be too painful, I have trouble condemning it.

It's enjoyed because it is needed to feel decent; no one gets away with using a "drug of choice" for very long without harsh consequences on their mind, body, and/or spirit. The longer they "hide" it, the more psychological damage done as well. Let's be clear that I'm not referring to simpler pleasures, even if they are illegal in most states. The longer they use it, the more they need to even feel a semblance of normal, much less good. That requires actually getting high at that point, not just using regularly.

"Illicit" is a strong word and if it denotes felonious drug use, we're talking about something much worse.

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson
Talk to him about it, and explain how you feel about it. Drugs really are no good, but not the end of the world either.

a reply to: r0xor

All depends on how you look at it.
Done trying to 'defend' myself. I know what I know.
You don't know what I know.

originally posted by: BuzzyWigs
All depends on how you look at it.
Done trying to 'defend' myself. I know what I know.
You don't know what I know.

Likewise. It doesn't matter, but I've been to hell in a hand basket several times, watched relatives, friends, parents, overdose and die. Took a stroll down that road, came back. Watched countless others ruin their lives, end up in prison, or permanently feeble.

But, whatever floats your boat, that is.. if you have an unending supply of brain neurotransmitters to burn for quick feelings of elation and pleasure.

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

I have said nothing, implied nothing or had any thought towards lessening or belittling you.

If you feel I am not placing you on a pedestal based on your 'training', so be it. On that score you'd be correct. With apparent justification. Therefore, equally, I'm done with you...

originally posted by: BuzzyWigs
a reply to: intrptr

Please don't try to "school me" on this issue. I know what I'm talking about in more ways than one.

Same here. I'm speaking from direct experience as a long tome user ( and long time clean) recovering addict, having worked with addicts in recovery and recovery homes.

I know exactly whats goiong on with her, her feeling of being deceived and run over with lies.
He is married to the dope not her, he is using her for support to maintain his addictive behavior, probably has been the whole time.

Not that the relationship isn't unrepairable, but that she is fooled by him for that long shows she really doesn't know about the insidious nature of drug addiction. The addict isn't in control of their decision making process, the drugs are.

The drugs are in the driver seat, everyone else is just along for the ride. Advise her to get out the car before it wrecks.

She can't work with him or listen to promises, he's been lying to her the whole time. Yah, common baby I'll quit tomorrow, I'll get help, just you wait and see. Thats the drugs talking. And of course she wants to believe it… keep trying, thats what he's counting on.

originally posted by: olaru12

originally posted by: sassymcsnickerson
a reply to: Subaeruginosa
Dude it wasn't weed! If you have no personal desire to get invested into some silly emotional debate about relationships then what the hell are you doing on my thread in the "relationships" forum. TROLL leave this place and take your smart assed comments with you.

You don't own this thread, you aren't a mod, and if you didn't want honest feed back why did you create this thread in the first place?

Now I see why your husband wanted to self medicate.....control freaks seldom have any thing but dysfunctional relationships.

How is her concern for her husbands well being make her a control freak? It doesn't. She's hurt and rightfully so! I've been in her situation with a relationship only he became abusive. I had no idea what he was doing and when I found out I reacted the same way she did. I helped him through rehab three times even and he still went back to his drug of choice. Our relationship wasn't anything like the OPs but I do understand her feelings, maybe you should have more empathy for another than just straight out judging them. She hasn't to,d a soul but this forum. She's not looking for negativity but answers or explanations from strangers who might Understand her situation!

Have a heart.

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

Well I imagine the part about your working in law enforcement had something to do with it. Maybe he just didn't want to burden you with the conflict of his leisure life and your professional life.

If you truly love him for who he is then love him for who he is

a reply to: intrptr

It really depends on the drug and the drug user. You are throwing someone you dont know under the bus by putting him in your shoes. Obviously this man is capable of responsibly using said substance if she couldn't even tell after all the years they were together.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic

originally posted by: r0xor

originally posted by: BuzzyWigs
If those "illicit" drugs are contributing to the joy you feel, what difference does it make?

Um.. What? The difference it makes is that those feelings aren't natural, real feelings, and unless someone wants to stay on the "illicit" drugs forever, coming off of them after extended use because it was contributing to their joy makes them far more miserable than they were when they even began using; and for the same reasons.

Try applying that logic to everything that brings you feelings of joy. Listening to music, unnatural! TV, unnatural. Coffee, unnatural. People will always have external avenues of pleasure regardless of what conduit you dictate are unnatural

a reply to: theyknowwhoyouare

Obviously this man is capable of responsibly using said substance if she couldn't even tell after all the years they were together.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic

If he wasn't 'addicted' for all those years, he wouldn't be defending it like she said. If he meant to quit or get help he would have told her and been honest about it. He got found out, got caught instead. Theres the difference.

He's already kept it secret that long because he knows she wouldn't approve, she also worked in law enforcement to some extent. My guess is she isn't completely ignorant of addiction and its basement hidden lifestyle of slow destruction of health, family and relationships.

I'm under no such delusions.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: theyknowwhoyouare

Obviously this man is capable of responsibly using said substance if she couldn't even tell after all the years they were together.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic

If he wasn't 'addicted' for all those years, he wouldn't be defending it like she said. If he meant to quit or get help he would have told her and been honest about it. He got found out, got caught instead. Theres the difference.

He's already kept it secret that long because he knows she wouldn't approve, she also worked in law enforcement to some extent. My guess is she isn't completely ignorant of addiction and its basement hidden lifestyle of slow destruction of health, family and relationships.

I'm under no such delusions.

You are making a whole lot of assumptions.

Fact of the matter is that he didn't display addict behavior throughout all those years and she only found out via circumstance. An addict is easy to spot, and if you are an addict those around you find out pretty fast.

I am a former addict as well, been clean 8 years.

originally posted by: theyknowwhoyouare

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: theyknowwhoyouare

Obviously this man is capable of responsibly using said substance if she couldn't even tell after all the years they were together.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic

If he wasn't 'addicted' for all those years, he wouldn't be defending it like she said. If he meant to quit or get help he would have told her and been honest about it. He got found out, got caught instead. Theres the difference.

He's already kept it secret that long because he knows she wouldn't approve, she also worked in law enforcement to some extent. My guess is she isn't completely ignorant of addiction and its basement hidden lifestyle of slow destruction of health, family and relationships.

I'm under no such delusions.

You are making a whole lot of assumptions.

Fact of the matter is that he didn't display addict behavior throughout all those years and she only found out via circumstance. An addict is easy to spot, and if you are an addict those around you find out pretty fast.

I am a former addict as well, been clean 8 years.

Pleased to meet you. You might be making an assumption, too. He hid his addiction, right? Thats why she didn't "spot it"? She also says that he did it all those years, and I am assuming that she may have had inklings, may have been in a certain amount of denial even (hoping for the best), but put two and two together after she caught him. The biggest tell is like I said, he didn't come forward like, Babe I think I got this problem and I need help, he got caught instead and defended his behavior, justifying it to her.

If you went through this too, you know what that means. Long term use is abuse, not recreational, covering it up, crafty ain't we, finally getting caught and downplaying it.

That is so obviously like every other addiction (not only drugs either). Addictive personalities are sneaky to say the least. They use cover of normalcy just as long as possible to hide it but eventually it comes out to loved ones and or the law. She could let it go and wait for that 4 AM visit, too. Or any dealers and dope fiend friends to come and steal everything they own, even harm someone in the family….

a reply to: nwtrucker

I hazard to guess, you and other critical posters of her response are users yourselves. Perhaps also dishonest to your spouses.

How does the world look from way up there? Can your horse breath at that altitude?

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

You are not stupid, not in the least. Everyone has some skeletons in their closet, and even the most through background checks can miss something.

I can't even say if you're making the right move at this point, mostly because on one hand, I have a friend that was so strung out on drugs that he ditched his wife just so he could keep smoking that junk; last I heard, he completely lost touch with reality. And on the other side, I did date briefly someone that did...well, other things that she shouldn't have, and to most eyes, she passed off as a normal human being (well, except for the weird laughing that sounded completely fake).

What I can say is think it over - you might find that in the long run, this issue is minor, or more important than you thought it was. If your children like him, he's not begging you for money to continue his habit, not harming you, and he's not taking anything away from you, I wouldn't ditch him. Good Luck!

-foss

a reply to: intrptr

We don't know what he's "on." What his DOC is makes all the difference.