Feels like forever since I authoured a thread on here, and I wish it was under better circumstances. Well, here goes....
My life has felt like an uphill struggle since I was around 14/15 years old. Due to depression and anxiety I never really enjoyed anything in life.
It's sapped my ability to be happy. Negativity is the automatic feeling my brain returns in any given moment. I'm currently on meds to try and
stabalize my mood enough to allow me to build on - I'll be making a conscious effort to be more positive in all aspects of life.
So much damage has been done already though, I'm worried that I may never be able to return to, what seemed like, the happy existence I had 15 years
ago. I say worried, but in actual fact I feel nothing; that is the point in my thread.
I feel devoid of emotions. They can sometimes come bursting out of the blue when I'm watching something that is especially touching or heart
breaking, however 99% of the time I feel almost nothing. I am emotionally numb.
The worst of this is that without those emotions dictating your responses and opinions, it's so easy to just not care at all about things. Without
emotions I've become a logical machine, efficiently doing my work and getting through life.
I have a great job for a global leader in managed cyber security services and have a lengthy and interesting career mapped out ahead of me, but I
really just don't care. To me, it's just a job.
Despite the stresses and the crazy learning curve the job has been both satisfying and challenging.
I have been going out with a girl for three and a half years now. We also moved in together about 18 months ago. It was a hard time as her mother
passed away suddenly and she was basically a broken mess. We got through that, but things have sort of just gone downhill from there. Occassional
fights, power struggles over who does what housework, etc.
I don't care.
I feel guilty writing that, but there is just nothing inside of me urging me to take interest or to have any interest any more.
Life without Love
I don't think I really understand what other people talk about when they say they love someone. I think I loved a girl once. We were ecstatic with
each other, shared so many interests. It was this girl that sparked the first genuine tears of joy I ever shed.
That happiness lifted me up a little and I can say that I loved her greatly.
Now though, I feel as though I lack a capacity for love. I don't even love myself. Examining everything I can recall in my memory, speaking to
people, spending time with family. I don't care. I feel almost nothing for these people - no attachment, no intimacy, no love.
Due to this I'm finding it very hard to co-exist with my girlfriend. Up until 9 months ago I'd never really opened up to her about depression, which
saw me essentially faking life with her and it was fine. Now that she knows now, it feels as though hte pressure to pretend is off and I'm just being
me - she doesn't like and is constantly afraid I don't love her. I don't. That's not to say I'd be deeply sad for a long time if we broke up, but I
just can't eek the sensation of love from the mordant recesses of my mind.
Life without Life
Death has been a constant in my mind since as far back as I can remember. I began self-harming (cutting, breaking bones) at 14 and only really
stopped physically harming myself in my late 20's. From there on out, self-harm got far more sophisticated and drawn-out - starving myself, chain
smoking until I could barely breath, shutting people out of my life for months at a time.
I will never kill myself. The thought of hurting my friends and family by doing something so selfish just isn't something I would do. This hasn't
stopped me from wishing I was dead though.
I lost count years ago how many times I genuinely thought "I wish I was dead". Could be after a massive argument, could be after a short conversation
with someone I don't like. It always returns; I wish I was dead.
...of this thread, of course. Sadly, my miserable existence will continue on. I've dedicated an exhaustive existence to just surviving so I know
there is nothing in life that will push me over the edge to actually end it.
This thread has sort of turned in to a personal rant, and reading back it lacks focus or anything really interesting at all, but if anyone has any
advice, ideas, stories to share, feel free to chip in
Thanks for reading,
p.s. I'm not sure what I expected from this. What I have typed out isn't really what I menat to put down when I had the idea to post. Time will
tell. I know it isn't healthy to think these thought, but some of you won't be able to imagine what it's like to have no emotions guiding your
instantaneous reaction to things.
edit on 22-7-2015 by Thundersmurf because: Added a couple of lines