Life Without Love, Life Without Life

Hi Guys,

Feels like forever since I authoured a thread on here, and I wish it was under better circumstances. Well, here goes....

My life has felt like an uphill struggle since I was around 14/15 years old. Due to depression and anxiety I never really enjoyed anything in life. It's sapped my ability to be happy. Negativity is the automatic feeling my brain returns in any given moment. I'm currently on meds to try and stabalize my mood enough to allow me to build on - I'll be making a conscious effort to be more positive in all aspects of life.

So much damage has been done already though, I'm worried that I may never be able to return to, what seemed like, the happy existence I had 15 years ago. I say worried, but in actual fact I feel nothing; that is the point in my thread.


Numb

I feel devoid of emotions. They can sometimes come bursting out of the blue when I'm watching something that is especially touching or heart breaking, however 99% of the time I feel almost nothing. I am emotionally numb.

The worst of this is that without those emotions dictating your responses and opinions, it's so easy to just not care at all about things. Without emotions I've become a logical machine, efficiently doing my work and getting through life.

Work

I have a great job for a global leader in managed cyber security services and have a lengthy and interesting career mapped out ahead of me, but I really just don't care. To me, it's just a job.

Despite the stresses and the crazy learning curve the job has been both satisfying and challenging.

Love

I have been going out with a girl for three and a half years now. We also moved in together about 18 months ago. It was a hard time as her mother passed away suddenly and she was basically a broken mess. We got through that, but things have sort of just gone downhill from there. Occassional fights, power struggles over who does what housework, etc.

I don't care.

I feel guilty writing that, but there is just nothing inside of me urging me to take interest or to have any interest any more.

Life without Love

I don't think I really understand what other people talk about when they say they love someone. I think I loved a girl once. We were ecstatic with each other, shared so many interests. It was this girl that sparked the first genuine tears of joy I ever shed.

That happiness lifted me up a little and I can say that I loved her greatly.

Now though, I feel as though I lack a capacity for love. I don't even love myself. Examining everything I can recall in my memory, speaking to people, spending time with family. I don't care. I feel almost nothing for these people - no attachment, no intimacy, no love.

Due to this I'm finding it very hard to co-exist with my girlfriend. Up until 9 months ago I'd never really opened up to her about depression, which saw me essentially faking life with her and it was fine. Now that she knows now, it feels as though hte pressure to pretend is off and I'm just being me - she doesn't like and is constantly afraid I don't love her. I don't. That's not to say I'd be deeply sad for a long time if we broke up, but I just can't eek the sensation of love from the mordant recesses of my mind.

Life without Life

Death has been a constant in my mind since as far back as I can remember. I began self-harming (cutting, breaking bones) at 14 and only really stopped physically harming myself in my late 20's. From there on out, self-harm got far more sophisticated and drawn-out - starving myself, chain smoking until I could barely breath, shutting people out of my life for months at a time.

I will never kill myself. The thought of hurting my friends and family by doing something so selfish just isn't something I would do. This hasn't stopped me from wishing I was dead though.

I lost count years ago how many times I genuinely thought "I wish I was dead". Could be after a massive argument, could be after a short conversation with someone I don't like. It always returns; I wish I was dead.

The End...

...of this thread, of course. Sadly, my miserable existence will continue on. I've dedicated an exhaustive existence to just surviving so I know there is nothing in life that will push me over the edge to actually end it.

This thread has sort of turned in to a personal rant, and reading back it lacks focus or anything really interesting at all, but if anyone has any advice, ideas, stories to share, feel free to chip in


Thanks for reading,
Smurf

p.s. I'm not sure what I expected from this. What I have typed out isn't really what I menat to put down when I had the idea to post. Time will tell. I know it isn't healthy to think these thought, but some of you won't be able to imagine what it's like to have no emotions guiding your instantaneous reaction to things.

a reply to: Thundersmurf

I have been there.

What helped me was finding a good counceler that listened and could point me in the right direction to see a differant perspective.

Which basically led to understanding what happiness is and how to obtain it, generally all the interest and vigor come back with feeling good.

I kind of fell in love with life and let go, And honestly I think there are a lot if not all folks that go through times like this at some point in there lives.

Changing your perspective changes nothing except how you feel about it at first but it comes.

Good luck in all things to you and yours!

Cheers

a reply to: Treespeaker

Thanks Treespeaker,

I really appreciate your words, it's great to hear frmo someone who ahs been through something similar.

I'm convinced that allowing myself to feel this way is the most sophisticated, yet simple, way of harming myself to date.

I understand the cyclical thought process, and know that by making a dedicated effort to quell the negative thought I usually have, they will eventually be slowly replaced with positive ones.

I'm really struggling to get past this feeling of being emotionally numb though. The road to recovery looks as though it's going to be lengthy, like a baby growing up and running marathon as an adult - I know this won't change overnight.

This is a lot more common than you think, it's pretty close to the perception I've had of my own life since I was a teenager, but I've learned that bliss was exactly that, a teenage wasteland. You're surfin on a wave of optimism and wonder and your doing it along side all your friends and peers. Eventually that wave breaks and f's a lot of people up. So we sit on the beach, drinkin, smokin, f'n with girls and watchin other people ride the waves. Weather it's become cliche, scary or just flatout jaded. You gotta get back in the water.

In other words, you have to quit every single bad habit you have, including meds, start eating real food (no sugar or bread) and get into a few good habits like spending time outside, exercising and productively creating something (hobby). As far as women go, if you don't feel like she's the reason you're alive, there's no reason in pretending.

Hello

I know exactly how you are feeling - or not feeling.

I've been through the same thing, except I didn't self-harm. Tried to top myself a few times, fortunately I didn't really know what I was doing.

I felt as if I went right over the edge - Life over the Edge of Despair, I called it. I got comfortable and stayed there as it was a very manageable state to be in.

I felt as if I was looking at life through a pane of glass and thought I was the only person who ever felt like that. Apparently, though, it's not unheard of.

I spent a small fortune getting myself well, and opted for unconventional methods. All I can say is that not all therapies and treatments suit all people. But you might want to look at getting some help that doesn't involve medication.

What's in your mind is something you have to recognise and work through. Trying to switch it off or behave as if it's not there won't solve the problem.

At my worst, when I wasn't even suicidal any more because it made no difference if I was alive or dead, my survival mechanism kicked in and I bought myself two pet rats.

I knew that I would live for them, if not for myself. I have beliefs and worry that suicide will be detrimental to me in the afterlife. I'll happily drop down dead on the spot, but think perhaps I'd best not help myself along too much.

Anyway, my heart was dead and I couldn't love anybody with it but I could remember how love felt. So I simulated love using my head and my pets were delightful and a great joy to me.

It's animals and nature that have really brought any feeling back into my life. I've had pets and I've watched wildlife. I now live away from the city and am surrounded by trees, which are very healing.

One day, I realised that I was loving again. But not with my heart, this time. With my Soul. Feelings from the heart are a sham and can't compare.

I don't have much in the way of emotions, either. Generally, I'm contented enough. I can manage a bit pissed off or a a bit happier than my normal contentment. I don't see the harm in it. I like to be quiet and I don't need emotional drama.

I hope this will be of some help to you. Life over the Edge can be survived and improved upon. I had a lot of help which you may not have access to, but you might respond to different therapies anyway.

I'd urge you to try something other than medication. Be careful though, you don't want to see someone who lets you talk for an hour and then let's you go with nothing resolved.

I've been through that and it's like emptying all the cupboards in your living room and then you've got all the junk on the floor. The therapist says 'Time's up' and you're left to go home with all this stuff that you try to put back in the cupboard. And just as you get most of it put away it's time for your next therapy session. So you have to drag it all out again...

Try and find something in life that you can delight in. Each day, look for a little golden moment. Watch an animal, look at flowers and trees. Try and see the beauty in the World.

Every now and then ask yourself 3 questions. Am I warm? Am I comfortable? Am I hungry? If you can answer yes, yes and no then your life has brought you to a point where you are warm, comfortable and well fed. Be grateful for that.

Oh man you are in a bad time mentally. I'm sorry you feel the way you are feeling. I am sending you buckets of love and understanding. Sometimes med can leave you emotionally drained and dull , I'm not telling you to stop your med but I am just stating. Have you ever look at your diet, I hate to be a gluten free pusher but sometimes diet can really change your emotions or depression. I figured out I have to be gluten free after going to the doctors for depression and the doctor trying to tell me to take Prozac or aropax which I told them to F off, turn out I was severely malnourished and dangerously low in iron due to being allergic to gluten. I'm not saying that you are the same as me. It could be some ting else like my friend who was suffering from panic and anxiety attacks, after a hair test she found out she should not eat citrus or dairy and her panic attacks stop when she cut those foods out of her diet. Anyway it's worth thinking about. Also another thing you could look at is are you getting enough vit D, having an inside job is not so good for vit D intake.
Anyway I really hope you can sort yourself out. Drink some water breath and fake a smile as that can help even in a little way. Lots of love to you even if youight not feel it through the airwaves.

Its very very important that you talk to your doc about your meds, the systims you describe are common side affects of some meds, change of meds might help, PM me I will send you some info. The fact you cant get on with your GF is also a common problem with some meds

Hey there, when I read your post I felt compelled to finally join, if not just to say don't lose yourself in what "has happened" try to mastermind what is "yet to happen". My apologies if I am wrong, but I get the feeling you may be dwelling on something from the past. I did this up until recently and your post resonated with what I was going through. Keep your head up, your smile wide and remember that our present always dies in past memories. )x€

a reply to: Thundersmurf

I'm glad you see this far.

It's a time in the wilderness, a time to reflect.

I think you will be amazed at what's on the other side of this, and once on the track it keeps on chugging.

Try not to judge yourself through it, and yes consider it another coming of age.... A speed bump like the rest of them, every so many years.

After this bump you will likely understand how to change this cycle as well, and stop it all together if you want, even reverse it.

Walking out of it takes almost as long as in sometimes, but time can be funny and you'll decide.

Much peace.

This thread is like looking in a mirror soo many things I can really relate to especially about love , maybe I share my story and how i cope with it later.

yeah, it`s kind of like you aren`t really participating in life your just an observer watching other people living this thing we call life and trying to mimic them without having any emotional understanding about why they are doing the things they do.

a reply to: Thundersmurf

To me it works as follows;

I must work to earn a living.
I must sleep to recharge the body.
I must socialise to be balanced

Work:
Half of my 24 hour day – Getting ready to back at home

Sleep:
± a ⅓

Balance:
Love
Activities
Hobby

The perfect solution lies in your socialising activities to plan them within the little hours left. It works for me. However lost of love or a loved one is painful where only time brings some sort of closure. But never forget “Hobby” because if you need two of the above you are in trouble.

Wow, thanks guys.

I wasn't expecting anywherer near the response that this thread has received. A few of you have touched on a number of things I believe to be contributing.

Diet, exercise, dwelling on the past.

I guess I am dwelling on some things. I'm not the guy I was 5 years ago. I went through a horrible relationship and man, did that girl teach me how to hate. So much so I can't love anymore.

And diet, yeah it's not what it used to be. I was toying with the idea of doing the fruit/veg/meat/fish diet. Seems very simple, healthy, and natural.

I am determined to fix myself though, and although I don't think medication will cure me, I do trust it to level me out a little and afford me a more stable existence to build on so I will continue on the meds for a little while. Ideally I'd like to be put on the waiting list for CBT. I think speaking to a trained pschologisy/psychiatrist will help a lot as I no longer have any kind of emotional compass telling me what is right and what is wrong.

Thanks again for the replies, people. It gives me a strange feeling of hope that this won't last forever.