Night and Day

Hello again ATS!

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes, I'd like to discuss a subject that is pretty boring and selfish... I'd like to just talk about me.

If you've no interest in that subject - now would be the time to close this window and move onto more exciting things! Though, for the life of me I can't imagine why you would want to because, as far as I am concerned, "me" is one of my favorite subjects.

Yes, I know, tack and terrible... What can I say? It's kind of my thing.

Anyway...

Some, who have followed my posts, might be aware that I was off of anxiety medication for a very protracted period of time due to bureaucracy and BS. Roughly ten months went by with me literally hanging onto what's left of my sanity by the skin of my teeth. Some days succeeding... other days failing miserably.

That all came to an end a week ago today ( the fifteenth ) as I finally made it through all of the hassles and got to see my doctor. I was prescribed a mind anti-depressant and an anti anxiety medication ( which is normal and customary in my case ).

During those ten unmedicated months I barely went outside for any reason. I only went out if I absolutely had to and avoided almost all human interaction while out. Basically I grocery shopped once or twice a month, keeping my head down and eyes averted the entire time. I did not respond or acknowledge people if spoken to.

I was lethargic and had to fight myself just to do a few basic exercises on a rowing machine every other day... missing more days than not.

Also I suffered chronic insomnia. I would stay awake for 40-60 hours straight and then finally pass out for 12 -18 hours... Every single time I slept - without exception.

During that period my self-esteem withered and was totally gone. I felt no sense of self-worth at all and spent most of my time online trying like Hell to disguise and hide my insecurities and anxieties. I was absolutely miserable.

Well... What a difference two pills a day and a week make!

Today, for example. I woke up at 8 AM. I cooked breakfast, ate and went for a jog. It was only about a half mile, but I was lethargic for a very long time and am having to ease my way back into being active. After jogging, I showered, dressed, began doing laundry and logged on to the Internet to check messages and start posting here to ATS.

Then I went back outside and laid in the sun for half an hour as I've decided that my pasty "monitor tan" needs to GO!

I've been to the local grocery store three times today, happily chatting-up several of the cashiers and managers, smiling and interacting without the least bit of stress. Actually being a bit flirty with one and having a really comfortable and good time with it all.

I've done more housework just today than I would have accomplished in a week before getting back on meds.

The difference is amazing and I am so damned happy about the way I feel right now that I had to share it!

It's so unfathomably good to feel like a human being again! It's incredible!

Other than bragging / celebrating my newly found happy state... I wanted to take a moment to thank this community, very sincerely for all of the emotional support and patience you all have shown me during those dark days. I realize that there were definitely days when my "slip was showing"... when I was obviously not doing very well emotionally - and you people never called me out on it or mocked me... Instead you showered me with support and positivity.

So for that, each and every one of you have my unconditional and absolute thanks. I applaud this community for being the best of the best. You people freaking rock!

Again, thank you! ( Saying this through a sincere smile... something I have not had in a very long time )

~Heff

What are you taking?
Youre one of the most level headed, intelligent posters in this place, I had no idea you had those kinds of issues.
Is your anxiety caused by being around people? Im known to be a bit agoraphobic. I dont freak out in crowds or anything but sometimes im uncomfortable being around people I dont know.
Hell, sometimes im even uncomfortable being around people I do know

reply to post by Sharingan


I am taking a very low dose of Trazodone and Klonopin - treatment for PTSD and Bipolar II. My actual diagnosis is 7 items total, but I only have issues with those two.

reply to post by Hefficide


Oh ok.. thats good that a low dose of those two drugs give you relief, they are among the weakest of the benzo class drugs.
My doctor had given me Prozac for my anxiety issues. Yea it did help with anxiety but it also takes you away from who you are, I was neither happy or sad, I was just a drone, my personality disappeared and the rebound effect that it caused when i quit taking it was crazy, I did some pretty wild things and it seemed to take about 6 months to clear my system.
Anyway, I dont wanna hijack your thread, since you can ban me
Im glad your meds helped but i think ill just self medicate with coors light

gl heff, from what ive seen, youre a pretty good dude.

Yay!
So happy to hear you are better! There are so many threads where people frown upon prescriptions meds. They just don't seem to understand that for some people, it actually does improve the quality of their lives. I am on someting for anxiety. Nothing strong, but it is needed and does help.

I have always found you to be a wonderful and interesting person and love reading your threads.

reply to post by Sharingan


As with any medication, it is all trial and error. What may work wonders for one may not do anything at all for another. The trick is finding the right med at the right dose.

I am on something for anxiety and have tried different meds for depression but they all seemed to make me feel sort of zombie-ish. LOL Too out of it. And with my physical problems and those meds combined I get tired a lot. So for now I have nothing for the depression. Also I just got accepted for disibility but won't get medicare for two years. Got to see what I can do for medical coverage in the meantime. I still have too much in the bank to get any help from anywhere.

So yeah, try to get the right med at the right dose and you will be fine.

reply to post by Hefficide


I had absolutely no idea you were going through all that. You hid it well.
You seemed every bit as sane as me

I'm glad you've gotten what you need to make your life a happier place to be.

Originally posted by snowspirit
reply to post by Hefficide

 

I had absolutely no idea you were going through all that. You hid it well.
You seemed every bit as sane as me

I'm glad you've gotten what you need to make your life a happier place to be.

There are plenty of people with the same or similar problems as Heff and you would never know they were on any meds at all. People are always shocked when they hear I'm on meds for anxiety and when I was also on an antidepressant. I myself have been shocked by other people. We are legion.

got to say i explained the exact same feelings on a post yesterday about how after going through chemo and stuff i had become a recluse and not wanting to really leave the house.never mentioned that the girlfriend suffers from anxiety attacks and how i,ve never really thought about what shes going through.

mean shes tried to explain it to me but always just dismissed it as basically nothing,that she needs to man up and stop taking pills just for the sake of it.always get on to her for taking pills but reading your post i see i may have a lot more understanding to do,fact i,m so hard on her is the fact she gets pills online for it cause she won,t go to doc.

to me buying any medication online is a no no.

reply to post by Hefficide


A teacher once told me that the secret of good writing is to be self-revealing without being self-indulgent. Nice balance, there, guy. As always....

Heff -
I am fairly new here -- as a registered member anyways -- but in that short time I have come to really enjoy your posts. I echo the sentiments -- from your posts, you seem to be so strong, clear, firm yet kind, smart, a great writer, and someone I know I'd really like in non-cyber world. You also have posted some very honest, transparent threads and comments -- a peek behind the avatar so to speak -- and you are never "self indulgent" in my mind.

Just wanted to say -- you are awesome and one of my favorites here on ATS. When I see it's your avatar -- I think to myself "what's Heff got to say?" and I am never disappointed.

While I'm not a big fan of docs, meds, etc. for anything -- they do serve a purpose and do help some people. Smart, careful, judicious use of mainstream medicine is beneficial. I also believe some "alt" therapies can help in a general way to support people mentally, physically and emotionally. Knowing one's self and what works for them is most important.

I wish you hadn't had to go so long in such a state. And I am so glad you are feeling good again.
Sending cyber smiles and hugs to you!

Glad that you're feeling better.

I'm not a fan of the drug-and-pharmaceutical companies and the drug traditions that seem to be underpinning our society at the moment. But I do understand that in certain instances the medication is truly necessary, and that it does provide much-needed relief at times.

But hey - only the most special people in this world have depression and anxiety problems, and you do know that, don't you? I am very sincere when I say that you are one of my most favourite here on ATS - your posts and points are always very salient and thought-provoking, and your beautiful soul shines through your words!

Go well, and have a marvelous weekend!

reply to post by Hefficide


I offer you this gift which may help you see depression in a slightly different way and it may lift your spirit. It is an invitation to look deeper into depression to see what it might mean.

I have been there (but I am out now) and this video is spot on.

Originally posted by Night Star
Yay!

So happy to hear you are better! There are so many threads where people frown upon prescriptions meds. They just don't seem to understand that for some people, it actually does improve the quality of their lives. I am on someting for anxiety. Nothing strong, but it is needed and does help.

I have always found you to be a wonderful and interesting person and love reading your threads.

Also, many people don't realize that we are MADE of chemicals, and what we perceive as 'normal' is determined only by how the majority are regulated by those chemicals. Some need more chemicals, some need less. It should be no big deal.

Heff, glad to hear your chemicals are balanced now.

I"m so sorry to hear about your issues ....
But I'm so glad to hear that they are under control now!

Seems that everyone is suffering from something.
So much for us being 'intelligently designed', eh?

I've got some serious issues with whoever engineered the human body.
The dude must have had a hangover at the time or something ... we are all a mess.

glad to hear you are feeling better heff and have a smile back on your face now go get the ladies send one over to me i need my bedroom cleaned to

Today I hit hiccup number one... Mowing the yard.

Even though I only take my medication at bedtime ( unless I need an extra half dose during the day for panic attacks ) - the Klonopin has a pretty long half life.

Ever try to mow an acre yard, with a push mower that is not self propelled, in 90 degree heat with strong sedatives in your blood stream? Oh and a yard that is on a steep incline?

Yeah... it did not go well at all.

At two different points I found myself laying in the yard, waiting for the world to stop spinning and for my lungs to begin working correctly again.

Oh well... live, learn, and adapt. From here on out I'm going to have to skip my meds for a day or two before doing the yard.

God it was ugly.

I have to echo many of the others in that from reading your threads which are always a highlight,I would never have guessed you had any issues.

Again,many believe the pharmautical industry to be evil but many of us do need medication.My life would be a lot,lot harder without my meds for asthma.

I'd end up in a similar state mowing the garden if I didn't have them