The Most Ridiculous Quotes in the Bible

Numbers 22:28-30

28 Then the Lord opened the mouth of the donkey, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?”
29 And Balaam said to the donkey, “Because you have abused me. I wish there were a sword in my hand, for now I would kill you!”
30 So the donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your donkey on which you have ridden, ever since I became yours, to this day? Was I ever disposed to do this to you?”
And he said, “No.”

Then again. There is Mr. Ed.

reply to post by mrperplexed

On the Pentateuch laws, you need to consider the social context, and then you can see the justice of them.

On the question of the raped virgin; the fact that he has raped her means that she can't marry anyone else, which means that once her father dies, or before then, she will be forced into prostitution against her will, or else starve to death. If the rapist is made to marry her, that means she won't starve to death, which is a good thing, yes?

If a man is punished for beating a slave to death, that is a vast improvement on the laws of some other societies, where he would not be punished even for that.
Why does not the law try to get rid of the idea that slaves are property? For the same reason that you don't go into an infants' class and try to teach them Einstein's law of relativity. If you're a good teacher, you start from where the pupils are, and work upwards from there.

Originally posted by 3NL1GHT3N3D1
reply to post by Akragon

 

Or a 450 foot boat carrying billions of animals. A Carnival cruise ship has enough trouble with a few thousand people, much less billions of animals, some being as large as elephants.

That's assuming it was a global flood. It wouldn't have been necessary to have a global flood. And if it was local then it wasn't that each of every species was present on the ark. In a local sense, all animals endemic to the local region would have been present. In that sense, it could be said that all were there, especially when the story is being passed down to people who are geographically rather confined to a particular region.

What politicians do is they don't answer the question that they were asked, they try to answer the question they would have rather been asked. You're doing this here. Instead of sticking to the story itself, you create a straw man of the story you would have rather been presented and attack it.

Originally posted by jiggerj
reply to post by mrperplexed

 

Cain said to the lord: I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that finds me shall slay me.

Where is the passage before this where god said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in the beginning I also created a bunch of people not related to Adam and Eve. I know I mentioned creating the birds and the fish, but creating these people must've slipped my mind. My bad!"

Do you know where the story originates? It is within a family that was descended from the children of Adam. It was passed down as an account of family origins and so it would not be concerned with other family origins. Certainly there were other families who were not related to this clan descended from Adam. Why would the children of Adam be concerned with writing about their neighbors and their families? They wouldn't. Therefore they wrote about their own. You're imagining a plot hole where none exists.

reply to post by Witness123


The context within the bible makes it pretty clear the flood was global. God said that he would kill everything except for what was on the boat.

What next? You're going to point out the most ridiculous quotes in the Lord of the Rings also?

Both are written by men so... I suppose they're both subject to the same judgement.

Stop beating on a dead horse and stop attacking people's faith and beliefs seriously. I have no religion, actually I'm not even a spiritual person, a believer or anything close to that, but I understand and respect people's beliefs. And I expect the same from them towards my lack of faith. I'm not an atheist but lets just say I'm not "religiously inclined" or that "during my 24 hour day I couldnt care less".

But this trend of senseless attack towards religion and utter disrespect is nothing but an ironic atheist version of indoctrination - an irrational attack and programming against religion, in this case, Christianity and all that surrounds it including its very foundations. Basically this and religious fanatics are the 2 extremes of the very same spectrum.

This, by concept almost makes atheism seems like a very aggressive religion that is itself anti-religion.

Just let people believe whatever they want to believe, if that brings them comfort, let them be. Just like my guns wont shoot me when left alone there on the table, believe me, that bible wont convert you or eat you alive by standing next you - it wont poison you or infect your brain with some sort of religious highly contagious virus that will make you "spread the word" and turn other people into mindless "bible zombies". By the way... you can read it... I've read it - nothing happened. Its actually a good read.

To keep it short: show some respect.

Originally posted by FraternitasSaturni
What next? You're going to point out the most ridiculous quotes in the Lord of the Rings also?

Both are written by men so... I suppose they're both subject to the same judgement.

Stop beating on a dead horse and stop attacking people's faith and beliefs seriously. I have no religion, actually I'm not even a spiritual person, a believer or anything close to that, but I understand and respect people's beliefs. And I expect the same from them towards my lack of faith. I'm not an atheist but lets just say I'm not "religiously inclined" or that "during my 24 hour day I couldnt care less".

But this trend of senseless attack towards religion and utter disrespect is nothing but an ironic atheist version of indoctrination - an irrational attack and programming against religion, in this case, Christianity and all that surrounds it including its very foundations. Basically this and religious fanatics are the 2 extremes of the very same spectrum.

This, by concept almost makes atheism seems like a very aggressive religion that is itself anti-religion.

Just let people believe whatever they want to believe, if that brings them comfort, let them be. Just like my guns wont shoot me when left alone there on the table, believe me, that bible wont convert you or eat you alive by standing next you - it wont poison you or infect your brain with some sort of religious highly contagious virus that will make you "spread the word" and turn other people into mindless "bible zombies". By the way... you can read it... I've read it - nothing happened. Its actually a good read.

To keep it short: show some respect.

Some of us might be not showing respect because we feel that almost every human religion has been corrupted away from the spiritual truth it should point towards and sometimes point towards but hiddenly so that you have to ponder like Einstein to get it. I am not an atheist. In fact I know things are very different than what we are told both by religious dogma and the atheist scientist.

Faith is for the souls who cannot eat solid food who only can drink. For the souls who can eat solid food (can handle the uncertainty of not knowing everything) there is paranormal (normal that human have not quantified in science yet) guidance to help that soul. If you empty the cup (mind) of conditioning and ego then the cup can be filled with something real.

Respect is earned. Small minded views should be expanded to become closer to the truth and not be respected. Respect for the old flawed knowledge is what is keeping humanity from really growing and having a golden age unparalleled in human history.

reply to post by Klassified


A lion, infirm with age, lay sick in his den, and all the beasts of the forest came to inquire after his health, with the exception of the fox. The wolf thought this was a good opportunity for paying off old scores against the fox, so he called the attention of the lion to his absence, and said, "You see, sire, that we have all come to see how you are, except the fox, who hasn't come near you, and doesn't care whether you are well or ill." Just then the fox came in and heard the last words of the wolf. The lion roared at him in deep displeasure, but he begged to be allowed to explain his absence and said, "Not one of them cares for you so much as I, sire, for all the time I have been going round to the doctors and trying to find a cure for your illness." "And may I ask if you have found one?" said the lion. "I have, sire," said the fox, "and it is this. You must flay a wolf and wrap yourself in his skin while it is still warm." The lion accordingly turned to the wolf and struck him dead with one blow of his paw, in order to try the fox's prescription; but the fox laughed and said to himself,

"That's what comes of stirring up ill will."



A very hungry fox walked into a vineyard where there was an ample supply of luscious looking grapes. Grapes had never looked so good, and the fox was famished. However, the grapes hung higher than the fox could reach. He jumped and stretched and hopped and reached and jumped some more trying to get those yummy grapes, but to no avail. No matter what he tried, he could not reach the grapes. He wore himself out jumping and jumping to get the grapes.

"Those grapes surely must be sour," he said as he walked away,
"I wouldn't eat them if they were served to me on a silver platter."


It is easy to hate what you cannot have.


A wolf was chasing a lamb, which took refuge in a temple.
The wolf urged it to come out of the precincts, and said,
"If you don't, the priest is sure to catch you and offer you up in sacrifice on the altar."
To which the lamb replied,
"Thanks, I think I'll stay where I am. I'd rather be sacrificed any day than be eaten up by a wolf."

A kid strayed from the flock and was chased by a wolf. When he saw he must be caught he turned round and said to the wolf, "I know, sir, that I can't escape being eaten by you; and so, as my life is bound to be short, I pray you let it be as merry as may be. Will you not play me a tune to dance to before I die?" The wolf saw no objection to having some music before his dinner; so he took out his pipe and began to play, while the Kid danced before him. Before many minutes were passed the gods who guarded the flock heard the sound and came up to see what was going on. They no sooner clapped eyes on the wolf than they gave chase and drove him away.
As he ran off, he turned and said to the Kid,
"It's what I thoroughly deserve.
My trade is the butcher's,
and I had no business to turn piper to please you."

I was just saying that this thread isn't really about anything so the only substance is just being mean and poking fun.

reply to post by Cuervo


Mean? Don't you laugh when comedians do it?

Ricky laughs at religion

Carlin on religion

reply to post by mrperplexed


I'm quite surprised your OP is 1200 pages long

Originally posted by Abstruse
You're right those fictional books have interesting stories.

The saddest thing is needing a book to find the creator.

Even sadder is when when persons who don't even believe the words of the Bible devote their time to mocking it and attempting to refute it. One would think that since their time on earth is limited, they wouldn't waste it with attacking "fairy tales", and yet ATS members can't resist besmirching the Bible? I don't think some of you realize that your mocking words only give credibility to the book you hate so much. You are doing exactly what was predicted 1000+ years ago. I've got a challenge: write something down and see what if any impact it has on the world. With all of the "wisdom" and education today, one would think they could outdo the words of a poor uneducated carpenter, that kept the old testament to the T.

reply to post by kingofmd


Kept it to a T?

Are you serious?

Deuteronomy 22:28-29
This is usually interpreted as a provision for the rape victim. In the culture when it was written a woman who had lost her virginity consensually or otherwise would find it exceedingly difficult to find a husband. In 2 Samuel it is expressed by Tamar that being left without a husband is a greater wrong than having been raped. Without the ability to divorce the woman would be provided for financially without necessarily following the will of her husband. The 50 shekel price is generally considered to refer back to Exodus 22:16-17. If this is the case the father of the woman can if he so chooses deny her the right to marry.

John 14:13-14
The most common explanation of this passage within its context is that "through his name" requires the request to be in accordance to his will and in order to be fulfilled it must be something which will glorify the father. It is similar to when one acts as an ambassador in that only things done in accordance to the will of the country from which they were sent can be done in that countries name.
John 14

Exodus 21:20-21
To me this works only as a law given to interject a semblance of order into a practice which was bound to happen due to man's fallen nature and the hardness of our hearts (similar to the provision of divorce). In a situation where slavery was going to happen this law maintains that murdering a slave is punishable just as murdering any other person. I believe the reason no punishment is required for a slave which dies after a few days is again to equate a slave to the average person. Killing (not murdering) someone in the old testament necessitated the payment of a fine to the person who was at a loss due to the death (akin to a wrongful death lawsuit). In this situation the slave owner would be the one at a loss, therefore the punishment is effectively nullified.

---Well I tried---
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Originally posted by mrperplexed
Deuteronomy 22:28-29
28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, 29 he shall pay her father fifty shekels[a] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

Today the word rape means to use force.

Looking at some of the words that "rape" was derived from it could have meant nothing more than made sexual claim to without using force.

en.wiktionary.org...

Etymology 1

Probably alternative form of rope (as originally used to mark out boundaries).

Etymology 2

From Middle English rapen, from Old Norse hrapa (“to fall, rush headlong, hurry, hasten”)

_________________________

Do we know that the scribes translated this correctly? Do we know that the meaning of the word over time has stayed constant.

Did the word come from another word that mean to mark out a boundary, in that case "marking a boundary" could mean a sexual claim without a use of force against a sexually curious young female.

Maybe the Bible isn't trying to justify rape, as there is a story of one of David's sons killing his half brother for raping his sister, but rather the Bible is trying to say that if a young man has cornered and submitted a sexually curious young female that he is obligated to marry her to prevent woman who was previously a desirable virgin from being present in the House of Israel with a child without husband.

reply to post by FraternitasSaturni


People don't base their beliefs and lives off of the Lord of the Rings. Why do people attack religions? Because religions attack men. Show some respect to religions? Religions can earn my respect, for the most part they have lost my respect and it is up to them to earn it back.

Another stupid thread to mock and poke fun..what a sad website this is becoming.

Originally posted by kijne
Another stupid thread to mock and poke fun..what a sad website this is becoming.

I saw them as valid questions.

It does appear ridiculous at first.

Originally posted by mrperplexed

John 14:13-14
And whatever you ask in my name, I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything of me in my name, I will do it.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Yeah...but Jesus only does those things asked of him by his chosen flock.

Makes it easy to find out if you're one of the chosen or not.

Ask Jesus for something. If you get it, then you're part of his flock. If you don't get it, then, sorry, you're just not part of the flock.

A lot of people think they are Christians, just because they attend church, or read the bible, or sing hymns. But, right there in that verse, Jesus gives you the test to determine if you are really one of the chosen.

If you ask Jesus, and he denies you, then you're just wasting time going to church. Better to go to the soccer game instead, or go see a movie.

Many people don't understand this point. Christianity is not for everybody. That's why verses like this seem humorous to outsiders.Because they know when they ask Jesus, nothing happens. So, they figure everybody must experience the same thing. But, some people do get a positive response. Those that do, don't find it funny at all.

It's a really ridiculous saying, to many people.

But, the chosen faithful see nothing ridiculous about it.

I think your ridiculous mrperplexed, how can you make judgment on the ancient past based on todays standards, your full of hypocrisy.

You cant prove a thing that God does not exist except looking and living negativity in the past pointing out all the things with the view of today. How false are you!

false man, not even a man.

Just because someone uses the word "ridiculous" does not mean that their questions are invalid or insincere.

I think it is better to address their concerns over the validity and logic of scripture than write them off as heathens.

You never know. They may very well turn out to be one of the God's chosen who is searching for truth, but because of some ridiculous failure of logic in the Bible can't find faith.

Originally posted by Akragon
reply to post by borntowatch

 

Thanks!

Heres another one...

Ever hear a snake talk?

You ever watched the movie Jungle Book, ?