I honestly don't know what to do... Not my typical thread...

This is honestly hard to do and for the longest time I've pretended that all was well, but recently I have something eating away at me and it's got me at a point where I don't know what to do.

I'm 28 years old, I've been dating my gf for just under 7years. We've had our fair share of ups and downs like any relationship has, but now I'm beginning to question whether she's being totally honest with me. We are both very close with each others family, I guess that's expected after 7 years, in a way, you can say she's my parents daughter-in-law and I'm her parents son-in-law. I'm beginning to suspect her of cheating on me and it's hard to even type that message out. The thought of her going behind my back like this is almost too hard to even understand. I guess to catch you all up-to-speed I need to help you with understanding the chain of events leading up to this.

It started on Halloween of last year, we were at a costume pub crawl and I was playing DD (designated driver) she was intoxicated, and later in the night I saw her paying a lot of attention to her cell phone. Soon enough I caught a glimpse of a guys names she was texting. I let it go and asked her about it the following day when she sobered up. She mentioned that she flirts with guys, its only harmless and she does it cause it makes her feel good. I didn't like hearing that my gf was proactively flirting with other men but i let it slide. But being curious, I saw on her facebook (under her listed friends) a guys name who matched up with the one she texted. Next I noticed her taking interest in a college football team that she had no business knowing anything about, it was very strange for her, and then I noticed that the guy she was texting that night graduated from that college... Things are beginning to feel a little iffy to me. About a month and a half later she mentions that she has a business trip in this texas city that she had to go to for this project she's working on and it fell on the weekend. Funny (or not so funny) thing is that the city her business trip was in was the same city this guy lives in (google is very helpful).

Next she is going through her mail, paying bills, etc. and she puts on the table her credit card bill. To this day I wish I didnt see it because now what I saw haunts me in a way. she purchased the flight on her own personal credit card. Mind you she has a corporate credit card for ALL her business expenses... So now I'm thinking WTF is going on, but I never said anything, and I regret it to this day not approaching the subject immediately.

So, I did see the Credit card statement on accident for the flight, but with my curiousity killing me I looked at her recent one (snooped around which I'm not proud of) and noticed she was buying liquor when she was there. Which is very strange to me because usually when you're on a business trip you go out each night to restaurants, bars, etc. you don't go to liquor stores (she's not a big drinker anyways). And I map quested the liquor store and it was 1.4 miles away from the guys house who I'm questioning (once again google very helpful)...

After she returns from her business trip were driving around running errands and I decide to test her. I say to her, "my company will allow me to buy business stuff on my own credit card that I can expense back to the company, can you ever do anything like that to get the rewards?" Her response, "we get the rewards regardless and I always use my company credit card."

Well, now i feel like a total POS because I have that feeling that she is cheating, maybe physical, maybe emotional, maybe both... The thought of either drives me nuts though. Last week she sent me an email stating she has to go back to that city for another business trip which is less than a month away. It makes me sick thinking about it.... I want to talk to her about everything I just wrote to you, but I'm confident that if I do that we will be breaking up. She thinks I question her too much and is getting fed up with it, and I feel that things are adding up too much. I haven't talked to my family about this because I don't want them to hate her if I was wrong. But all signs point to something going on...I've invested 7 years into this relationship and I want to make it work, but I don't want to be the only one trying. At times it seems that she's just going through the motions while I'm trying... I think I know what I need to do and maybe I just needed to write it out here first. I was cheated on before, it sucked, it seems that history has repeated itself yet again with me.

Question- How would you guys/girls bring it up? Should I just sit her down and talk calmly about it, asking her to be honest (even though she will likely deny)... Or do I just end it and let it be? When you snoop around and find something, how do you use that information? Because we all know once information comes out that you shouldn't have all bets are off...

And if this whole thread makes zero sense, I apologize, my thoughts are a little clouded right now...

Ask her.

reply to post by jhn7537


I don't wish to sound harsh at all, but I've been down this exact same road and it pretty much devastated my entire life before it was over.

So, from experience...

I think you are probably trying to make decisions that she's already made for you. My ex kept me around during her courtship with the guy she left me for - lying to me the entire time. In hindsight and from what others have told me, I now know that I was only kept around to serve as her plan "B" and to be used as a tool to manipulate the other guy... Don't make me angry or I'll just end this and go back to Heff....

You are in a no-win situation to a large degree. If you mention it at all she will likely become furious and tell you are being a creepy, insecure, jealous, pathetic person. Then, when the hammer does finally fall? She'll be apt to blame it on you based upon that... Oh, sure, I was having a fling. But I didn't decide to be dedicated to him until you got all jealous....

Again, I know I am coming across crass and bitter but it's at least honest. If you can't let her go on your own, right now... you're probably going to be at her whim for the duration. She might stay - she might leave... but I think she's probably not doing you right.

Originally posted by AnonymousCitizen
Ask her.

I'm going to have to, because the stress I'm putting myself through is very unhealthy, it's literally eating at me... I dread the conversation, the worst part is that a good 3 months ago I spoke to her brother about proposing to his sister and we were discussing rings, ways to propose, etc. and he was going to house me by his parents the weekend I was going to ask her father...

In a way, a mapped out my future with her, while denying all the signs in front of me... It just makes me sad to see things come to an end....

Yup just be honest and ask, no point dragging it all on.

Originally posted by Hefficide
reply to post by jhn7537

 

I don't wish to sound harsh at all, but I've been down this exact same road and it pretty much devastated my entire life before it was over.

So, from experience...

I think you are probably trying to make decisions that she's already made for you. My ex kept me around during her courtship with the guy she left me for - lying to me the entire time. In hindsight and from what others have told me, I now know that I was only kept around to serve as her plan "B" and to be used as a tool to manipulate the other guy... Don't make me angry or I'll just end this and go back to Heff....

You are in a no-win situation to a large degree. If you mention it at all she will likely become furious and tell you are being a creepy, insecure, jealous, pathetic person. Then, when the hammer does finally fall? She'll be apt to blame it on you based upon that... Oh, sure, I was having a fling. But I didn't decide to be dedicated to him until you got all jealous....

Again, I know I am coming across crass and bitter but it's at least honest. If you can't let her go on your own, right now... you're probably going to be at her whim for the duration. She might stay - she might leave... but I think she's probably not doing you right.

That's not harsh, that's very honest and I truly appreciate it... I brought this experience to ATS because there are loads of wise people here, you being one of them... I'm sorry that you went through what I'm going through today, it really sucks. But you're right, its a no-win situation in a lot of respects...

reply to post by Hefficide

I think you are probably trying to make decisions that she's already made for you. My ex kept me around during her courtship with the guy she left me for - lying to me the entire time

Yep, I too know from experience... They arent going to completely severe ties with person A (you) , until their minds are completely made up to be with person B and they know that they can secure a future with person B.
They dont wanna be caught holding the bag, with no place to live.

Man have you got yourself into a pickle. You probably won't like this but you asked. This dude could be totally an innocent thing, if it is a thing at all. Lots of speculation here. A childhood friend maybe? Would she tell you? I wouldn't if I were her. It seems like your past may be coloring your present:

I was cheated on before, it sucked, it seems that history has repeated itself yet again with me.

And the snooping is the worst. If there's no trust there's no relationship. What to do? Time to cut the BS imo. Cop to the snooping, ask for forgiveness(that was a crappy thing man) and ask straight out what's going on. Honesty really is the best way to go.

Dear oh dear oh dear

My heart goes out to you.

Although it's sneaky if you want the truth ask her boss about the trips seems obvious to me. If he says no then ask her and you will know if she was lying to you.

It may break your heart but better that than being played for a fool.

I know my gut instinct does not bode well for you and for that I am truly sorry, but then I could be wrong.

Hope it all pans out well for you

Cody

reply to post by intrepid


I agree, it wasn't one of my prouder moments, but when you're so consumed by the thoughts running rampant in your minds you do things without putting good thought into it. And in my case, i kinda found something, and I've kinda created the situation in my head... I told her on numerous occasions that the worst thing she could ever do to me was cheat on me. I said to her, before anything EVER happens, please break up with me. Not sure why it's so hard to do that, unless she feels trapped in a way....

It is tough when you have the same group of friends and your families are so close... We've lived together for 5 years out of the 7 and I feel that if we would break up its similar to a marriage in a lot of ways.... A cleaner breakup from the financial stand point, but with everything we built together its hard. 7 years is much longer than a lot of people today...

reply to post by jhn7537

OP, I read your other response as well plus the member replies and I agree: you need to talk to her.

If you can't sit down and talk this out after 7 years together, then you're never going to be able to. That's a bit brutal, I know, but that's the way it is.

Far better for you to know where things stand right now, rather than have this chipping away at you day by day. Sooner or later it's going to have to come out. It's better to get this sorted out as soon as you can.

But just a little advice from a guy who's got a few decades on you and maybe learned a couple of things, even if not a whole lot. Try not to be accusing. I know that's hard, but try to spell out how you see things but leave any blame aside. It's not about blame, it's about finding out what's going on. But when we hurt we start to see it that way, as if the other "did" this to hurt us. That can happen but many times it's not like that at all.

Even if she's fallen for this other guy, it's not likely she woke up one day and planned to, just to make you miserable. Sometimes stuff like this just happens. We're human and we're not perfect and yeah, we can change and fall for someone else. And to be honest she could be having some of the same gut-churning emotions as you are having right now, because after all, that seven years counts for her as well.

Whatever happens and however it all turns out, remember you are still you and you still have your own worth. Always remember that. No matter how rotten things may get, always remember it.

EDIT: and there's a big point that Intrepid made: tell her you snooped and ask her to forgive you. Don't just say "I'm sorry," I mean literally say something like, "I know I did wrong to snoop like that. Please forgive me."

You do that and maybe you'll see some of the same from her. And yes, it could be innocent. We can guess all we want but only she can tell you the truth.

Mike

reply to post by intrepid


But if honesty is the best way, shouldn't she be honest also? I doubt that OP would have 'snooped' without any gut feeling, which is usually right.

As to OP, trust your guts and ask her directly. You could write a letter to her, with all your concerns and as to why. This stops her throwing a fit and cutting you short. If she really loves you she won't mind and would understand but I have a bad feeling about this.
I hope it all works out for you.

Originally posted by jhn7537
She mentioned that she flirts with guys, its only harmless and she does it cause it makes her feel good.

Well, if I were in your shoes I would have dropped her like a box of tarantulas after hearing that. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I wouldn't put up with that.

Anyways, sorry to hear about your situation man. I had to walk down that long dark road a few years ago, and it wasn't fun at all Hope things work out for you.

reply to post by Hecate666

Yes, honesty is the best way, but when we don't know the whole story then it can be tricky to say when the right moment is for the other side to present the truth to us. (I hope that makes some kind of sense!)

But if one offers honesty and also asks for forgiveness if there is the need to ask it, it's far more likely that the other will also give the same in return.

reply to post by jhn7537


Any long term relationship that breaks up is a difficult thing. The ex and I parted 2 years ago after being together for over 20 years. It's not easy but things tend to work out. We're best of friends now. I wouldn't go back to that past for any amount of money. Things are too good now.

If it helps once went on a stress management course through work.

2 days of saying basically if you are getting stressed over it deal with it as soon as possible.

You may not like the outcome but at least it is dealt with

Cody

reply to post by jhn7537



Well I invested 22 years and raised two children. I was consider beautiful with below the butt length auburn hair green eyes and a great figure but I was not enough but had no clue.

I have always been consider nice caring and a good house keeper and Mother...not enough.

I found out by credit card charges which made no sense. I did the book keeping for our business so I had a reason to look. He lied each time I decided to ask about something but finaly I got the courage to LOOK.

There was telephone calls to several people always in a row and then my number always on the bills day after day he called these 4 numbers several times always in a row.

I called one and GUESS what she was my husbands fiance! there were many and it led me to find that some business properties with mobile homes were bought and household goods...there were many women and he supported them and their children (not his he had a vasectomy when we had our second child)

The thing is what they want..he had chosen all very wild women even prostitutes I was very moral and a non drinker, never having even been in a bar. Guess I was boring even though i thought we had a ton of fun and were personally and physically close and compatible.

You are never the same again when you have been lied to successfully this way, trust is always out of reach.

Why don't you go on the next trip with her to that town even if you call in sick to work? See if she LOVES the idea...I doubt it myself...sorry.

reply to post by jhn7537


all the classic "red flags" are present my friend, if i were in your situation i would hit the road, and move on... Pandoras box was released once she admitted that she openly flirts with guys...that right there was the line on the sand that was crossed....


she is clearly cheating by this point...you will probably deny it but you know its true...

at this point just start gathering all your evidence and present your case to her...

3 things will emerge from this...

1* you both go your separate ways and keep in touch every now and then as good friends..

2* you accept that she is cheating, and continue to stay with her, some people are into this sort of stuff

3* you keep it a secret, and it will tear you apart from the inside out

Originally posted by Hefficide
reply to post by jhn7537

 

I don't wish to sound harsh at all, but I've been down this exact same road and it pretty much devastated my entire life before it was over.

So, from experience...

I think you are probably trying to make decisions that she's already made for you. My ex kept me around during her courtship with the guy she left me for - lying to me the entire time. In hindsight and from what others have told me, I now know that I was only kept around to serve as her plan "B" and to be used as a tool to manipulate the other guy... Don't make me angry or I'll just end this and go back to Heff....

You are in a no-win situation to a large degree. If you mention it at all she will likely become furious and tell you are being a creepy, insecure, jealous, pathetic person. Then, when the hammer does finally fall? She'll be apt to blame it on you based upon that... Oh, sure, I was having a fling. But I didn't decide to be dedicated to him until you got all jealous....

Again, I know I am coming across crass and bitter but it's at least honest. If you can't let her go on your own, right now... you're probably going to be at her whim for the duration. She might stay - she might leave... but I think she's probably not doing you right.

Yeah this post all the way. Many people don't have the guts or the fortitude or what ever you want to call it, to leave a relationship that's not working for them for what ever reason, before finding someone else to hold their hand. It's a very dishonest way of dealing with things IMO.

OP your gut is telling you the truth and it's a shame you were put in this position. Seven years is a long time to be in an intimate relationship without taking it to the ultimate level. Maybe there were reasons for that, but consider it water under the bridge. Infidelity, if it's occurring, is difficult for both parties to overcome. May be best to move on, no matter how difficult that will be emotionally.

Consider the idea that if she did step out of the relationship once, there's a good chance it can happen again. Some people are cheaters. Some people need reassurance they're still appealing to someone else as it fill the need of the ego.

I feel bad for you, but you should feel fortunate in the idea that the separation is much less painful and costly without the legal aspects and children involved.

Originally posted by jhn7537

Originally posted by AnonymousCitizen
Ask her.

I'm going to have to, because the stress I'm putting myself through is very unhealthy, it's literally eating at me... I dread the conversation, the worst part is that a good 3 months ago I spoke to her brother about proposing to his sister and we were discussing rings, ways to propose, etc. and he was going to house me by his parents the weekend I was going to ask her father...

In a way, a mapped out my future with her, while denying all the signs in front of me... It just makes me sad to see things come to an end....

If you haven't come to that point before in seven years maybe it was never right. I never thought i would be able to survive my breakup but after 5 years of healing I met someone and we have been married a long time and we are way more compatible then my first marriage i just didn't see it. We like all the same things and agree on almost everything...I won't ever be 100% in the trust department but he knew this going in. I now require nothing is off limits if I want i can go through his wallet and it I feel the need someday I would snoop all I want, it was agreed to ahead.