Moody, miserable teenagers. Parents, How did you cope?

I'm at a bit of a loss. I have a very moody, hateful thirteen year old who knows everything(just ask him).

Our home rules are pretty straight forward. Chore wise, I expect him to make his bed, fill or empty the dishwasher as needed, take the garbage cans to the end of the drive twice a week, and recently, we have asked him to mow the lawn every 2-3 weeks. He is expected to make his lunch for the next day each evening and to eat something healthy with protein for breakfast.

We cook homemade meals for supper each evening. Always have healthy foods and snacks on hand. We make sure that his laundry is always done, and we do all of the cleaning other than his supposed tidying of the dirty dishes. We shuttle him to sports, and social activities and have repeatedly tried to give him more and more rope so he can learn to be a productive member of society.

We ask that he treat members of our house with respect. Unfortunately, he is miserable with everyone. He's got a big mouth and runs it off at everyone. Telling us all how much he hates us. Swearing at us and calling his siblings every name in the book. No matter what we do or say, he argues with us. I can't stand the fighting! I don't even want to go home each day because I don't want to deal with him and his sister.

Has anyone found a good way to deal with teens like this? I'm afraid of what it's going to be like by the time he's 16. I don't want to take him to a psychologist because, honestly, everyone I've ever known professionally is bat guano crazy and I don't want my son to get labeled with anything that could impair his career at some point. I don't think psychotropic drugs are the answer either.

Has anyone gotten through this successfully with their devil spawn?

reply to post by rimjaja


Forcing him to have protein is a bit extreme.

Let him make his lunch. How he wants too. Ask him what he wants.

I'm not a parent and I never will be after dealing with the spawn myself.

But, I sent her to her father's with no option of mom for an opinion. Now I got my peace back and I can do what I want.

I would also look into interment explosive disorder.

Good Luck.

reply to post by rimjaja


hmm..I only have a seven yr old. I would suggest books on adolescence.

My best friend has a 13 yr old boy. He is a jerk somedays and an angel others.
They do educational punishment...if he cusses...thats money he has to give them. They make him write definitions, he hates it. Or they make him do push ups the minute he mouths off.
I am sorry you are having such problems. Going through puberty sucks!!

peace and love
~nat

reply to post by rimjaja


My question, and this is a legitimate variable in why perhaps he is becoming this way:

Does he have an xbox, and specifically do you let him play online?

Well,at the age,yes it can be miserable.
You gave him to much rope,time to reel it in for a reality check.
But if he is being that disrespectable,you can take privileges away.
Does he have a phone or any games and such?
Extra-curricular activities?
Take them away away till he understands he can not behave that way.

Explain that to them what their job is to help the family and that everything they have is a privilege.
It has to be earned.
Worked for my 14 year old daughter when we took her phone and tv away.
She had to earn it back.

It's tough,but that is what parenting is about.
It will work out in the long run.

Originally posted by Twix404
reply to post by rimjaja

 

My question, and this is a legitimate variable in why perhaps he is becoming this way:

Does he have an xbox, and specifically do you let him play online?

No Xbox. He had a game boy ( restricted to use it 3 hrs each on Saturday and 3 hrs on Sunday) but we took that away when his grades and attitude started tanking. I didn't even install Internet in the new house when we moved because I didn't want him sneaking on game sites when we were not around.

reply to post by rimjaja


I'm thinking back to when I was a little bugger, and my main thing was that I got annoyed with having to do unexpected chores. Even of they were expected of me, if I was asked to perform them at different times, o got angry. My advice would be to make lists. Very, very specific lists with times. That keeps everyone on track and knowing what to expect. Have scheduled down time, where no one can bug anyone.

At that age, structure is key. Serious structure. Set punishments and consequences to minimize arguing. Basically write the book and follow it as closely as possible. The kids should fall into line a little more.

you literally just described my house....i was that teenager at one point and trust me he'll grow out of it

try to use reason and logic when asking to do somthing....like how small amount of time it really is to do those things.

Dont go to a psychiatrist thats the route my parents took and i can safely tell you they wasted money. they drugged me up and did sorry attempts at family meetings to "solve" issues.

Eventually i matured and realized that if i kept my mouth shut at home i was left alone and free to do whatever i want. plus i realized my parents are the ones with serious personal issues.(thats just my family though)

reply to post by rimjaja


No idea, but I have a 17 y/o son who openly talks about slitting his mother's throat on FB. Never had contact with him till now. He'll be coming to stay for a couple of weeks... My guess is today's kids are nothing but self-entitled spoiled little brats.

Originally posted by kdog1982
Well,at the age,yes it can be miserable.
You gave him to much rope,time to reel it in for a reality check.
But if he is being that disrespectable,you can take privileges away.
Does he have a phone or any games and such?
Extra-curricular activities?
Take them away away till he understands he can not behave that way.

Explain that to them what their job is to help the family and that everything they have is a privilege.
It has to be earned.
Worked for my 14 year old daughter when we took her phone and tv away.
She had to earn it back.

It's tough,but that is what parenting is about.
It will work out in the long run.

edit on 20-3-2013 by kdog1982 because: (no reason given)

The phone is what we take away now for punishment. That is the only "currency" on his radar that matters to him. Hiss last extra curricular activity is tae kwon do, and I'm stuck paying for it for another year and I figure its a good activity for him since he has to listen to other adults teaching about respect. He doesn't care about anything else, and the second he gets what he wants out of you-he reverts to arsehatdome.

reply to post by DankKing420

try to use reason and logic when asking to do somthing....like how small amount of time it really is to do those things.

There is no reason and logic.
I was there in that point in my life and I am currently dealing with it with my kids.
You have to stand your ground and be the authority they need in they're life .
Structure and tough love..

The answer as being one of those kids you described would be to make him read what you just wrote.

That would seriously hit him where it hurts where it doesn't usually and might smack some emotional sense into him..

reply to post by rimjaja

The phone is what we take away now for punishment. That is the only "currency" on his radar that matters to him. Hiss last extra curricular activity is tae kwon do, and I'm stuck paying for it for another year and I figure its a good activity for him since he has to listen to other adults teaching about respect. He doesn't care about anything else, and the second he gets what he wants out of you-he reverts to arsehatdome.

So,what is really bothering him other than the teenage blues?
Do you know what is going on at school?
Those things can remain hiding till something happens.

reply to post by kdog1982


structure yes but you do need to attempt to reason with him. dont get me wrong my parents cracked down when i was bad to the point where i sat at the house with absolutely nothing to do with weeks on end.

but the ultimate goal should be to attempt to reason and find common ground so he in his own mind comes to the conclusion that it would just make it his life easier to do those simple things.

until he comes to that conclusion in his own mind by his own logic there will only be resentment and more fighting

reply to post by kdog1982


He says he shouldn't have any rules because none of his friends parents care what their kids do.

He has gone from an A/B student to a C/D student this year. His guidance councillor says that he is not handing in homework assignments.
We set aside homework time every day but he lies and says he doesn't have any. I even leave the office an hour early every day so I can pick up kids and make sure I'm there to help them with homework.

reply to post by rimjaja

This thread is probably going to garner a lot of advice, which is what you asked for. Unfortunately, having personally lived through having two moody, miserable teenaged sons and a moody, hormone filled step-daughter, my opinion is that I can't offer you any great advice.

I think some people will tell you to be firm, some people will tell you to be flexible, and some people will condemn you for not already having it all figured out (because they do). Some of them will probably end up giving you good insights, and some will really tick you off.

The best advice I can offer is to be honest and straightforward with your son. When you are angry, tell him why and what you see as him taking advantage your your good humor and generosity. I think our kids today are very aware of hypocrisy and they respect when we are up front and honest with them. They still argue and push back, but they can tell when we are being genuine and not just saying stuff because "that is how it should be".

it is very difficult, when your kid is being a jerk, as a parent. Ours are stubborn as heck, but we are also very lucky when something really matters, and we try to make it clear that we are not just posturing, they have listened to us.

reply to post by rimjaja


you can always tell him his friends are all going to be failures

my friends parents were all the same way and a few years out of highschool now sure enough.....they're all failures

Originally posted by DankKing420
reply to post by kdog1982

 

structure yes but you do need to attempt to reason with him. dont get me wrong my parents cracked down when i was bad to the point where i sat at the house with absolutely nothing to do with weeks on end.

but the ultimate goal should be to attempt to reason and find common ground so he in his own mind comes to the conclusion that it would just make it his life easier to do those simple things.

until he comes to that conclusion in his own mind by his own logic there will only be resentment and more fighting

edit on 20-3-2013 by DankKing420 because: (no reason given)

I still remember that rage,that anger as if I was a caged animal.
And when I was let out,it most likely turned out bad.
But that was my personal experience.
My family were conservative Christians.

I don't think reasoning is the answer as much as guidance and showing them what your life could become if you chose a certain path.
Taking them down to the homeless shelter gave them awareness of what could be.
A little extreme,but effective.

Originally posted by rimjaja
reply to post by kdog1982

 

He says he shouldn't have any rules because none of his friends parents care what their kids do.

He has gone from an A/B student to a C/D student this year. His guidance councillor says that he is not handing in homework assignments.
We set aside homework time every day but he lies and says he doesn't have any. I even leave the office an hour early every day so I can pick up kids and make sure I'm there to help them with homework.

Rule number one,he is not one of his friends and he does not have those parents who don't care.
You care.

When working with teens, I've found the "Yes, but" policy works out well for some personalities.

"Yes, but" is a paradigm where you never use the word "No".
You give them the option to have, get, obtain, do, practice, anything they want, BUT, at the immediate sacrifice of something else like, their time and effort doing something, precious personal items, favorite clothes, a haircut, or anything arbitrarily creative that can be cooked up as payment.

They want to go to a party? Sure, tell them they can go, but, they first have to do X, Y, Z, and 1, 2, 3, as well as giving up several surprise items which they'll find missing from their room on their return home that are at your discretion to decide on based on their performance in doing X, Y, Z, and 1, 2, 3.

You can make the trade as difficult as you want, but, for the program to work out all the agreements need to be obtainable. If disgruntled self entitled teen wants something, then, they need earn it through payment and sacrifice.

Schedules, lists, arrangements, agreements and long-term deals can get 'forgotten', or ignored.

Lots of Teens live in the now, the immediate.
Give them the option to have what they want in the now, in the immediate, but, they need to do X, Y, and Z, or give up something else they cherish and covet, all at your arbitrary whimsy as to what they're going to need to do to realize whatever goal they might set.

Tasks for trade can be teaching tasks, like; the more melodramatic noise they make out of frustration over the deal, the higher the cost will be. The more passive aggressive attitude, profanity, and verbal abuse exhibited over the course of having to perform ank task, the more it will cost them.

Yes, they can go to the party, or stay out all night, or whatever they want, but, each and every little thing will cost them something. It could be their Ipod, their favorite clothes, a shaved head, the task of doing any X, Y, Z task immediately before hand.

This doesn't work for all teens, and it's not a program regime meant for use at all times, but used with some important issues, it can facilitate a less disruptive household.