I need help.....please, page 1

I am fifty, but live in a similar situation (very embarrassing to admit.) But there it is. Sigh.
My best advice is try to disassociate in a healthy way by separating what part of this communication issue is you and what part of it is him. In other words, this is his problem, it's not yours. It becomes yours by your reaction, which it seems like what he is looking for. As you describe, he seems to be "baiting" you in a way, or trying to get a rise out of you....I suppose because it entertains him. I only describe it that way because you included your mother in your description as being in a similar predicament to communication exchanges with him.

First, know this is not rare at all, I don't think, in families and communication. I remember being your age at reunion type situations, and there would ensue a huge debate about what a particular aunt was wearing on a particular occasion....silly stuff like this, seemed like just to have an argument about basically, nothing. I guess a way of asserting "rightness," or superiority or just to get under each others' skin...... My way of dealing with it was to either walk away or start humming a tune to myself.

Whatever, so much for my anecdotal attempts, here. My point is basically that you can't change your dad. There's probably zero hope for that. You may at some point find you can earn his respect, or change the way he views you, but changing his perspective about life philosophies or beliefs is probably unlikely. But don't allow him to "suck" or drain your energy with this, because this is the game he's playing with you, and when you let him get that rise out of you, that's the result.

I had a therapist put it this way to me, once....stop dancing. It takes two people to do that dance, so just stop dancing. You are too young to leave, but also too young to let an influential loved one in your life take up that much of your mind, and involve emotions that could too easily start to make you feel undermined and let it affect you by undervaluing yourself, allowing it to become some kind of self fulfilling prophecy that shapes you, your behavior or how you feel about yourself. He's just another person in the world, and part of our growing up no matter how old we are, is learning how to not let others define who we are to ourselves, not giving them that power over us. If we don't learn how to do this, the world will chew you up and spit you out.

I've been rambling too long, but I hope I've been at least a little helpful. I am certainly very compassionate about your situation, and hope the best for you. Let it roll off your back. Smile, serenely, even if you don't feel it at first, and just agree with him....whatever will leave him speechless in the most unreactive, non argumental way possible, is my suggestion. Refuse to butt heads with him, in the most peaceful, kind way that you can---not as though you are laughing at him or making fun of him, but just as though it doesn't matter all that much, you are you and refuse to let who he is get to you that much.

Hope that helps a little. Take care.
Tetra