An Open Letter to My Three Step-Sons, The Truth Hurts.

reply to post by ErgoTheConclusion


The question/comment I don't understand is, "I don't have any other choice".

What makes someone think that way? I can't help but think that it's the drugs themselves talking.

In all honesty, if I was in some kind of desperate situation and needed my family's help, the first thing that would cross my mind would be to make myself trustworthy of their assistance.

reply to post by Deetermined

You are presuming an environment of 1 unhealthy person and X other healthy people rather than an environment of X unhealthy people all in different ways. When the "help" is actually part of the sick dynamic (and not wanted or asked for), who are you suggesting they make themselves trustworthy to?

There are people who will never hurt any partner intentionally, and will spend most of their life alone and be a "loser". Others who will never NOT hurt one intentionally, and will be married for life and a pillar of the community. Social Functionality has no bearing on the healthiness of an individual, nor the harm they may or may not be bringing to those around them hidden from view and unable to be expressed.

Often in a family the "drug abuser" is the canary in the coal mine. When you have 3/3 come out of your coal mine... serious questions need to be asked about the mine management.

"I have no choice"... of course it's the drugs talking. And the panic, and pain, and fear, and anger, and uncertainty, etc. It doesn't make the behavior "right", but you don't just look at them and say "Don't do that". Again it comes back to when it's *you*... what is going through your head for your "poor" behavior? What was doing the talking? Did you have a choice or did you feel like it was your only viable option? If you really felt you had a choice why did you pick the "poor" one?

That's the entire point of stop treating the person like they are "healthy" and actually work *with* them the same way you don't argue with a person who has the flu about their symptoms. You understand them so you can treat the real issue, not the surface issues. Stealing from your family is a surface issue pointing to a deeper disease either in the person or the family. Usually both.

reply to post by ErgoTheConclusion

Often in a family the "drug abuser" is the canary in the coal mine. When you have three come out of your coal mine... serious questions need to be asked about the mine management.

I do agree with you on that point.

My first question would be about the genetics and mental history.

Originally posted by Deetermined
In all honesty, if I was in some kind of desperate situation and needed my family's help, the first thing that would cross my mind would be to make myself trustworthy of their assistance.

Now presume that failed? What would you do?

-------------

This is what I'm referring to regarding the listening stuff earlier. If the person had come to you and you said "Well if it were me... I would have been more trustworthy?"... if this person has legitimate complaints about their environment how are they going to feel safe talking honestly with you?

The only way we can listen is to ask: What options did you consider? Then talk through each one and ask why they rejected them? Had they already considered an open approach? It's a safe bet they have already tried that.

We can't go into it with a "well *I* would have" stance. That's not listening that's just perpetuating the guilt/attack cycle. We go into it with "what would I have to feel like to get here" and "what would I wish I COULD do once I was there?" and seeing if any bridges can be built from both sides.

We ask the person those questions. Honestly. And let them actually answer even if it is unpleasant. Because they have to trust us too that they can actually be honest without immediately being blamed for being the bad guy. And if we are truly trying to help, then we make an actual MUTUAL agreement and try it... not a "Well you're going to do this and if you don't get it right this time then no more help ever...". If we make a mutual agreement and it doesn't work, then we aren't obliged to make another and nobody can argue about the terms. They can try and they can be ignored (stopping the enabling/resentment cycle).

Listening means stop trying to come up with all the reasons why WE aren't them and why WE wouldn't have been them, but the reasons THEY are them and the reasons THEY have continued to be them and working with them on that level because we will expect the same when it is our turn in whatever form it is.

reply to post by ErgoTheConclusion


I married their mother. That's why I am around them.

reply to post by openyourmind1262

Fascinating reply choice.

Thank you for the thread, I appreciated the opportunity to discuss these topics.

reply to post by Evil_Santa


Look as if I that guilt is still in full form with you, as you can allmost wipe it off the computer screen as we read your post's. Like it's pouring out of every pore. Seems as if your parents spent years & years and tons of money to get you to the respectable place you say you are now. And it seens as if that's your biggest beef with this thread is " parents" are to do for their offspring no matter what. Yours may have, these two are not.

Your parents may be proud of you, we certainly arent proud of these. Glad it worked out for you & glad your parents are proud, I really sincerly mean that. Each situation is different, as much as it's the same it 'not. Stop comparing your bad decisions of your life, with the piss poor decisions my step sons are making. They may get the help they need when rock bottom is achieved, or they may die in this life they created for themselves. Either way, our time of enableing it is over.

This is sick. As others have said, why do you feel the need to post this on a forum? Do you want a pat on the back? Does this make you feel like you have more control? I am at a loss as to how this post can even massage your ego.

Originally posted by captaintyinknots

Originally posted by GmoS719

Originally posted by AwakeinNM

Originally posted by GmoS719
How dare you condemn someone because of a drug addiction?
Doesn't it tell you something that they are ALL addicts?
I bet your wife (the mother) had a lot to do with it, she was a drug abuser after all.
Children can't raise themselves you know.
You say you tried to be the father they never had?
This is real fatherly of you and is a testament to how hard you tried.

edit on 1-2-2013 by GmoS719 because: (no reason given)

Narc-Anon is for family members of addicts, not addicts. I have zero drug addicts in my family and still know this.

And AA is for family members of addicts? Wrong.
I know because someone close to me attends Narcotics anonymous.

He's correct, you're wrong. Narc-anon is for people who have people close to them that are addicts.

Then why are non user family members kicked out of meetings?

reply to post by GmoS719


F-that

do you even know a junkie?

I say good for you guy. Get your lives back. If you did try, then well, the rest is up to them. As far as your grand daughter, get her away from them if SS comes for her.

Other than that, people get what they earn. Life is not fair, or nice. WE are those things as a COURTESY. You have to earn it. It is worthless and a lie if you just say everyone deserves it. It is also a disservice to drug users if you enable them.

Most drug counselors will tell you that you need to make users realize that they could lose you. Be firm and if they care they will respond. If they dont, they will continue to suicide themselves and everyone around them.

some people just want to see the world burn....you need to cut them out of your life. Everything else is BS and a lie.

Good for you OP....it is hard, but necessary.

reply to post by steppenwolf86


why go into a box with a man in magic cloths to tell your secrets to which he will ask that you repeat certain poetry X amount of times for forgiveness. (confession)......

sometimes we need to just say the things we have inside, even to a stranger. It is a process of healing.

why judge? That is like confessing to a priest and him going off on you saying "Dafuq is wrong with you, I have never heard that before, you are a monster and are going to hell you F-ing weirdo".....

give the guy a break, he needs to vent.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Good on you! Let them know where they stand, how they have dissappointed everyone in their life, and that you will no longer be helping them in any way.

It is now their choice. It has been their choices that lead them there, let's see if they are smart enough to make the right choices to find their way back. I hope the little one gets taken care of.

No matter what the self righteous say on here, or the ones that agree with you, this is 100% your wife and your choice.

AND NO ONE KNOWS THE FULL STORY so quit acting like you know the life story of everyone discussed by the OP when responding.

Originally posted by zedVSzardoz
reply to post by steppenwolf86

 

why go into a box with a man in magic cloths to tell your secrets to which he will ask that you repeat certain poetry for forgiveness. (confession)

sometimes we need to just say the things we have inside, even to a stranger. It is a process of healing.

why judge?

He has admitted no error, revealed no fault and confessed no crime. All he did was complain about his stepsons, and show off how he is handling the situation. His letter strips each son of his humanity and shows no empathy. The OP comes off as a bitter and angry man who wants our approval. The thing about the needle and the damage done is that there is a little part of it in every one. But not this guy. He cares more about the money wasted than the lives thrown away. I am not judging his actions or the letter other than the fact that he posted it here. That is what bothers me.

Hey OP...

The truth can be painful to some people.

You put your feelings out there. I applaud your efforts and loyalty.

So anyway, are we by chance related?

reply to post by steppenwolf86


have you ever even seen or known a burnt out, tired, and jaded person who had to deal with a family member who is a junkie?

The OP is also a victim to the situation you know. This is his right and it is also healthy. He is going to feel this way no matter what after all the grief he has probably been through. Writing this letter probably let him vent all those things he felt instead of bottling them up and exploding one day.

You have to deal with your feelings, not pretend you are "nicer than that"....

Junkies play on your every emotion and make you lose a little bit of faith in people with every instance of abuse form them and disrespect in the endless stream of such abuses until they die.

That F´s you up pretty bad. The OP needs support, not scolding for not being Mr.PC perfect....

Do you even know a junkie?

Originally posted by captaintyinknots
He's correct, you're wrong. Narc-anon is for people who have people close to them that are addicts.

Originally posted by steppenwolf86
Then why are non user family members kicked out of meetings?

Because they are failing to realize they are writing Narc-Anon when they mean Nar-Anon.

The only "narconon" is also clearly for users, not family: www.narconon.org...

Or perhaps they wanted us to stumble upon this one even though... www.narcanon.net...

It's the most strange of internet mistakes... getting uppity about a relatively irrelevant point while making a glaring error of their own. Or the most simple of trolling to see who is silly enough to take the bait. *shrug*

reply to post by zedVSzardoz
Open Responses to The Step Father, The Truth Hurts.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


My statement might be a bit harsh, but truthful. Parents try to do what is right for their kids. Question is, what is 'right' when it comes to parenting? I was a parent and I had no clue on how to be a father. I just loved my daughter and spent a lot of quality time with her. My daughter has never used drugs, not even cigarettes, though I smoked all through her childhood. She doesn't drink, and most of the time she doesn't even eat meat. She's a real good kid (37 now) and it would be totally foolish of me to say it was all my doing. Especially since I don't know what I did right or wrong.

No one can be taught how to be a parent, but I'll tell you this: I would NEVER publicly betray my kid, or any kid for that matter. My gawd, I most certainly wasn't an angel while growing up, and I doubt you were. Yeah, you stated that these boys are in their 20's. Who ever said that growing up finishes at the age of 18? I'm 58 this month and I still have an immature side.

You need to have this thread deleted and just wait for your stepsons to grow up. If they do grow up, their drug experiences will probably make them wiser than you (and me, because I never had that addiction). I have a friend that was seriously hooked on heroin even into his 50's. He is now 70 and clean, and I would trust him with my life.

Don't let a public embarrassment such as this thread be the reason why these boys will never again see their mother.

This seems like a very childish and irresponsible thing to do for someone who seems to think so highly of himself. I don't know you but as a 25 year old, I am just about as disappointed in you OP as I would be in those guys. This really isn't public business in the first place, it's more of a private matter. What you have done is very immature for anyone, but especially so for someone old enough to be my father. You post this on a public forum, so you obviously desire the input of others and that is exactly what I have given. I will leave with one question.

If three adult children all turn out to be lowlife junkies, what does that say about the people who raised them? I mean sure... One bad apple of a bunch can sometimes happen and hell maybe another will follow in the other's footsteps but all three turning out so... What are the odds? I'm assuming they pretty much have to be incredibly low.