An Open Letter to My Three Step-Sons, The Truth Hurts.

Originally posted by zedVSzardoz
reply to post by steppenwolf86

 

have you ever even seen or known a burnt out, tired, and jaded person who had to deal with a family member who is a junkie?

The OP is also a victim to the situation you know. This is his right and it is also healthy. He is going to feel this way no matter what after all the grief he has probably been through. Writing this letter probably let him vent all those things he felt instead of bottling them up and exploding one day.

You have to deal with your feelings, not pretend you are "nicer than that"....7

Junkies play on your every emotion and make you lose a little bit of faith in people with every instance of abuse form them and disrespect in the endless stream of such abuses until they die.

That F´s you up pretty bad. The OP needs support, not scolding for not being Mr.PC perfect....

Do you even know a junkie?

edit on 1-2-2013 by zedVSzardoz because: (no reason given)

From personal experience, I was saved from heroin addiction by loving parents. I have seen myself and people I know abuse the love and trust of their family, but those who recover did so because our families never lost faith.

Originally posted by GmoS719

Originally posted by Destinyone
reply to post by GmoS719

 

There is the love to let them go. To bottom out, so they can start to pick themselves up and rebuild their lives.

Or, would you let them into your life. To steal from you to feed their addictions. I had to cut off a Sister who stole everything she could get her hands on from my home. Even to breaking in while I was at work. I don't call that love on her part.

Maybe, when those 3 sons realize that their Parents love them enough to say enough is enough....just maybe then, they'll see how destructive their *chosen* lifestyles have been. You do an addict no favors by being codependent with them. That kind of love kills.

Des

Who said anything about being codependent?
A drug addict can't get better on their own.
Left alone to make the right choice they will always use the drugs.
Kicking them to the curb is not the answer.
He didn't give up on his drug addicted wife, why give up on her children?

My Mother who did not do anything to cause it but ended up with my brother a drug addict, tried to help over and over. he tied the old woman to a chair and left her on the patio in the rain with a gag in her mouth at one point.

He died of his abuse, that may not have happened if she did not always let him have a place to come and someone to abuse! he may have gotten real help as she could not get him to get any!

I don't even smoke and have never tried any drug, can't blame my mother for what my brother became!

Coming into the kids lives at 17, 14 and 12 was just too late to do any reprogramming. Some say it's too late by the age 4. Needless to say they were set in there ways.
The youngest step kid might be savable with intervention but doubt it. The older two are a not going to improve unless they take the first step. Meth is bad, bad. Current method has not worked. Nor will an ATS post.

If the granddaughter is in harms way you should get CPS or whatever agency to do a wellness check. If any of them still live with mommy and you, time to evict them.

Props to you for righting this even though they probably wont see it. mrkt wll crsh

You can't force someone to see the light or do what's right for their kids let alone themselves. Be there for your grandchild, she's going to need you & your wife. An addict doesn't see they're doing wrong, they only see where the next fix is coming from. I was with an addict for 3 years. I was, and am, clean. A year to the day after I took our son & walked out he OD'd on a combination of alcohol, coke, morphine, weed & valium. Yes, he's dead. I don't care how stupid you are you don't ingest that much & expect to live. Sometimes tough love is the only way to get a message through to someone, when they hit rock bottom, when they have absolutely nothing & no one, when everyone who ever cared about them & who they ever loved have washed their hands. OP, you do what's best for you & your wife, even if it's the toughest thing you've EVER had to do it honestly is the best thing for those boys. They need a slap in the face, a very rude wake up call & I hope they get it before it's too late.

Seriously and honestly there is SO much PAIN in this post.
It hurts me to read this - I wish solace to the injured broken souls on both sides of addiction.
Those that watch in horror as it unfolds and those that slip away to the demons that take hold.
I hope all of you can find some measure of peace, restoration and healing.
Life should not be this hard . . .

Originally posted by openyourmind1262
reply to post by Evil_Santa

 

Look as if I that guilt is still in full form with you, as you can allmost wipe it off the computer screen as we read your post's. Like it's pouring out of every pore. Seems as if your parents spent years & years and tons of money to get you to the respectable place you say you are now. And it seens as if that's your biggest beef with this thread is " parents" are to do for their offspring no matter what. Yours may have, these two are not.

Your parents may be proud of you, we certainly arent proud of these. Glad it worked out for you & glad your parents are proud, I really sincerly mean that. Each situation is different, as much as it's the same it 'not. Stop comparing your bad decisions of your life, with the piss poor decisions my step sons are making. They may get the help they need when rock bottom is achieved, or they may die in this life they created for themselves. Either way, our time of enableing it is over.

edit on 1-2-2013 by openyourmind1262 because: (no reason given)

First off, i bolded a section above, because in that section you're once again trying to tell me how to feel - in addition to making an attack directly at me. I imagine that you did this with your step-sons as well, and you, nor anyone else, ever had the right to tell another person how-to feel.

My experiences are shared with others, because I choose to share them. Most of my posts in this thread haven't even been directed at you, but towards another poster who was asking for further information about my past and experiences. My life has not been easy. If the sharing of these experiences can help others to understand their own troubles, or the minds of the troubled around them - even if it's just 1 person who reads this thread, and doesn't reply - then my goal has been met.

I still maintain my initial opinion that you're very narcissistic and can go back through your posts to bold every single statement that you've made which supports that hypothesis. From calling your step-sons "little people" to you not willing to accept that your role in their life over 10 years left a mark on their development. It's not all that uncommon to be the dominant personality trait for someone in our society.

There is a lot of wisdom in this thread if you take the time to understand what is being said to you. The other poster (ErgoTheConclusion) is most likely a licensed counselor, or someone working towards that end, as they understand the dynamics of really helping another person. Him and I are essentially stating the same thing, however I'm sharing my own personal experiences, and he is a lot more eloquent at presenting the argument then myself. I still let myself be governed by anger when I perceive narcissism in others, because it is so damaging to relationships and our society as a whole.

reply to post by Evil_Santa


first post but did anyone mention what happens when folks dont grow up with out a dad...problems lots of them....

This is for " retirednature" I noticed that you did not post in the thread, instead you decided to U2U me a pretty harse e-mail. I will ask this openly in my thread for ALL to read. I want an apology to the statement you made about my wife.

I ask you respectfully and openly. To respond in U2U vs openly in the thread, speaks volumes about your charactor. I posted a thread in the RANTS section about MY rant of the problems my wife & I are having. I never knew so many would go total ape shat over the stance we have taken. I am not on power trip nor do I have a damn rescue complex.

We are two normal parents with kids with drug problems doing what WE feel is best for US because we have exhausted all other outlets. I await the apology. Thank You all. PS. And those who say Ive outed my stepsons in this forum . That's ridiculous.

I should complain about you to the forum staff "retirednature" But I digress.

My little brother battled with drug addiction for years, what finally allowed him to get clean was a job opportunity in another state away from his normal stomping grounds. This offer was provided by a family member, who helped him make the transition with little to no out of pocket expense.

Addicts can't say no when the opportunity is there, unless they have the support of friends and family, people who want to see them get better. Throwing an addict out on the street is only going to make the matter worse. Tough love is not the same as no love. Tough love is saying what needs to be said, and doing everything in your power to get the addict in the right direction. You cant just disown someone and call it tough love, it doesnt work like that.

Tough love is being 100% clear on what the problem is and not sugar coating it. Addicts are addicts and they need to be constantly reminded of this. They are not fine, they can not make it work, and tough love means you have to keep them in check. Dont put yourself in a situation to be taken advantage of, while still providing options they can use to better themselves.

To the OP, I fully feel where you are coming from, i have been there many times with my brother. There were times when i wanted to beat him to a pulp thinking that would somehow magically make him think straight, but you and I both know that will only cause resentment and additional hardship for everyone involved, including your wife.

Keep calling, keep writing letters, keep being the voice of reason. Don't be a dick, just be firm and consistent. It will sink in, and one of these days they will try something different and it could just be the thing that allows them to get out of the slump they are currently in.

If you and your wife give up and disown her children, are you sure you will have zero regrets on your death bed? Something to think about.

DC

reply to post by xDeadcowx


I'm glad your brother finally saw the light but to some that type of opportunity is simply a means to take advantage of yet another kind heart. It's quite possible your brother was ready to change, he'd hit his rock bottom but there comes a point when those who have been used, taken advantage of, stolen from & cheated have to say ENOUGH for their own peace of mind, health & mental health. Some addicts truly don't want help, they don't see they have a problem, they think YOU'RE the problem & the one with issues for not allowing them to continue their path of destruction. I was also there & you're right, an addict doesn't deserve to be abandoned but they do need a firm hand. They made a conscious decision to snort that line, to shoot up, pop open that bottle & they also need to see the consequences of that choice. If any member of my ex's family had opted to stand up to him rather than stand side by side with him on that path maybe he'd still be alive but that wouldn't have been best for my son. You live by the sword you die by the sword & at some point an adult decision has to be made, one way or the other.

God Bless You Sir !

I went through the same situation; my problem was the mother was, and still is, the ultimate enabler. She would always take sides with the crack head(s) because they used the famous "you'll never see the kids again" almost every day. LOL Thats a f-ing joke. The losers will never go away. They will always come back for the money.

I have to say that I reached the end of my rope when I discovered money missing from my (our) account. Then when I started really checking into the situation I discovered it was far worse than that. She had opened accounts in my name to feed the sorry crack heads.

I left all the whole bunch of losers to die without me.

Flame me if you like fellow ATSers but if it were up to me we would have public executions in the USA! It would stop a lot of our problems.

But I'm not bitter or anything! LOL

Still ridin without the bit#h!

I applaud the OP and the others here who have drawn the line. Addiction is a powerful thing but why let them destroy you along with themselves. There is one thing to love them, but to enable them and help them justify their behavior is wrong. To take the stand against the addict is very hard.

reply to post by freedomSlave


I think what the OP actually wrote was that he had hidden the guns, so they weren't there when the step son broke into his home. At least, that's the way it read to me.

Des

opps yes i did miss read it sorry comment retracted sorry


ETA I do and did agree there is only so much one can do to help some one especially if they are stealing from you

reply to post by openyourmind1262


I can tell that over the years you grew to love these young men; and I believe that you still do; you just cannot be supportive of their current (drug user) lifestyle's and all the inappropriate behavior that goes with it. I think you are practicing (tough love).

There are many young people that have had good and loving upbringings; and they get involved with drugs; become addicts; and their behavior changes for the worse; stealing, lies, cruelness etc.

I had a relative that had a drug problem and I let him know that I still loved him but that I would not condone nor support his drug habit and lifestyle; but that when he was ready to stop, get treatment and get better; I would support him in that. Well he hit rock bottom pretty hard; showed up on my doorstep and asked me to take him for help; I did and that was 20 years ago; he is till clean and sober to this day.

My point? Let your sons know you still love them and will be there for them when they are ready to get help.

By the way...all that you have told to us in this rant of yours; have you told them the same?

Originally posted by ridin2live
...public executions in the USA! It would stop a lot of our problems.

Like it did back when we did have them?

Sure, continue the punishment/retaliation cycle. I'm good to go for another round of a rise and fall of an empire, aren't you?

Why would you wait for DDS or whatever to come get that child. You really need to man up and get that child out of that situation as quickly as possible. If your on this website then you probably already don't trust the government to do the right thing so why would you trust them to get that child out of a harmful situation in time? And i don't care if it is 1am either get a K-9 unit to that house or just go pick that kid up yourself. It's #ing foolish to even be wasting time writing this if there is an innocent child in that kind of situation and you know about it.

Think of the difference in how you react if someone says to you:

- You must never do this. Ever. Under no circumstances will this be acceptable and you will obey this because it is my expectation for you.

Versus:

- You are naturally free to do that if you wish as an individual being. However if anything negative happens as a result, I will not offer you any support or help get you out of a bind.

In the second example the person is relieved of being worried they will be judged if they decide to do something "bad", but are informed and understand and have no cause to complain if it goes poorly and nobody is there to help. The first... well... we know why we culturally have the cliche joke about the button that says "DO NOT PRESS!" It wouldn't be funny if there weren't truth to it.

Tough Love is actually about admitting your mistake up to that point and admitting you will not continue to make that mistake anymore.

Standing up to an addict should be the easy part (but I recognize it is in fact very hard). Learning how to not be and continue to perpetuate your own half of the dysfunction is often the hardest part though. It doesn't mean going all the way and taking blame yourself... that's just a whole different dysfunction.

It means not being afraid to acknowledge that none of you would have gotten where you are right now without you. For better and worse.