What is your FUNNIEST boot camp story?

Hey all!!!!!

I thought that it would be fun to have a different thread that is geared to make one laugh as opposed to shake in their boots in fear or scream out to the skies in anger. So, I figured that a thread on funny boot camp stories would be a nice change of pace and add some humor to this place.

With that said, let me the start.

The sad part of this story is that it begins even before I GET ON the plane in Phoenix

In September, 1996, I enlisted in the Marine Corp here in Phoenix. After going through all of the preliminary tests it was learned by my recruiter that a friend of mine had already enlisted and was DEP'ed for October. I was DEP'ed for December, but with some juking and jiving by my recruiter, my friend and I were added to the "Buddy Program" and my DEP was changed to October so that I could go through recruit training with my friend.

So together, my friend and I went to the MEPs station, went through a slurry of tests, took our oath and then attended a briefing an hour before heading to the airport. At the briefing I was designated as the "Guide" (probably because I was the oldest in the group at age 22). As the Guide, my duty was to keep on my person everyones tickets, boarding passes and orders for MCRD. This packet that I was to hold and protect with my life was in a very large manilla envelope.

Fast forward to the airport........

Once checked in, my friend and I thought that we needed a little something for our nerves, and with an airport bar in sight, we headed to grab a bar stool and commence to getting one last buzz as a civilian. As we sat drinking I noticed a very large man walking back and forth in front of the bar's entrance and he was giving us the stink eye something fierce!!!!!! My friend and I, being the loud mouths that were are got a little mouthy. The large man just smiled. A smile that could have suggested that we were to be dead people very soon.

Well, time ticked by, and we decided that we had better get our butts back to the others and be ready to board our flight. Unfortunately, the big man stood between us and the others. As I approached, the big man cut me off and spoke to me through his teeth, telling me to get with the others and to stay there. He also told me to make sure that all of us boarded together.

"Who in the hell are you, man?" I spat out.

"Derrick Johnson" he replied.

Then he said something that chilled my THROUGH my soul..........

"I am Sergeant Johnson, one your drill instructors at MCRD."

Well, to say that I felt like I have just been kicked in the stomach at that moment is an understatement. And I spent a short hour flight to San Diego nauseated, even though the rest of the recruits that were traveling with me tried to assure me that this gigantic, and squared away man was just full of crap.

After landing, we all assembled at the gate to get counted. Sergeant Johnson was the last one of us. He told us to go to the USO and gave directions to where it was. Then he got right in my face and hissed, "I'll see you in a week!".

So, the short walk to the USO, the bus ride to MCRD with our heads in our laps, yellow footprints, Moment of Truth, haircuts, medical tests, receiving all of our issue and the rest of processing went without a hitch and out processing drill instructors left us.

As all of the recruits stood online in the Bravo Company squad bay, in came the loudest group of men I have ever heard. We were now being introduced to our drill instructors. The 3 men that we will fear for the next three months.

Shouting, kicking, throwing things, more shouting, some shouting directly into our ears, up our noses and into our mouths all at the same time!

And when the introductions were over and the dust settled, there stood Sergeant Johnson. As he stood like some greek statute looking upon the mess of disheveled recruits, racks laying on their sides and all of our gear strewn everywhere, he bellowed like only a Marine Corp Drill Instructor can...... "WHERE ARE MY ALCOHOLICS FROM PHOENIX???!!!"

After alerting my presence, the rest of the platoon were now receiving a lesson on one of the MANY sadistic tactics in recruit training, with me as their guinea pig.

That lesson was "quarter decking", and just how much of this a recruit can take before he throws up.

I will NEVER forget training day 1.

I was pretty much a zombie through basic, but I do remember one time we were out in the sun it was at Lackland and on of the guys was shivering, it was like 90 (not sure if it was a black flag day or not). The drill instructor said, "Are you cold boy, where are you from, the sun?" Everyone started cracking up and well all the exercises we had to do till we ate was worth it, you don't laugh much in basic.

reply to post by azbowhunter

Some recruit ate two Mennen Speed Stick deodorants.

Why? I am not certain, but I do know that they sent him home shortly thereafter.

I'm thinking that he decided that he didn't like the military and found a way out. It isn't for everyone.

I was never in boot camp but I was on the National Guard program called "guard For A Day" when I was 17. At that time I was very serious about joining the military. I never did, but I have personal reasons that I'm not comfortable talking about.

Anyhoo, one guy was teaching me how to clean an M16. And he told me that the rifle cleaning fluid was called "come" because that's what it looked like. He also told me that everybody used that word.

However, that is not a word that i would use. Because I imagined that if I were to call that rifle cleaning fluid by that word, I imagined a guy whipping out his male member and doing something nasty.

So to this day I will never call rifle cleaning fluid by that word. EVER.

That's my sordid tale. I apologize in advance if it's offensive to some people.

reply to post by azbowhunter

We were about 7 or 8 Weeks into our Basic at Fort Knox. Tanker training is 16 straight weeks and that's it. So by that time we new who the scrubs were. It was orienting day and we had the worst scrub in the platoon with us. After the second marker he kept whining about being tired, he fell back and we stopped for a quick water break. We left our ruck sacks on and he sat down and took his off. After a couple minutes we said let's go. We were sick of him by this point and just started walking. He followed and we just kept going not looking back for him. We could hear him breathing so we knew was there. About two miles later he says "Hey guys I forgot my ruck sack!" We were about to kill him and say he got lost(not really). We were already way behind because of him so we decided to keep going and let him get chewed out and smoked by our drill sergeant. It was worth the risk of getting smoked with him for letting him forget. So we finally get back and walk passed our DS . I motioned to my back pointed at the guy and shrugged my shoulders. He pulled me aside and asked what happened. Luckily he didn't take his frustrations out on me and the other guy. Instead he smoked him in front if everyone. Then or other DS walked up with his ruck sack, filled it rocks, and smoked him again. Later our DS told him if he didn't shape up, he would get himself and other soldiers killed if his own platoon didn't kill him first to avoid him screwing up. We took satisfaction in watching that guy get smoked by himself because he was the reason we got smoked nine times out of ten. So that is my favorite story from Basic Training.

reply to post by azbowhunter


I did my BCT at relaxin jackson, Fort Jackson south carolina. My tail begins after we get all our issue and are about to get loaded on buses to leave reception battlion to go to our training batallion. The drill sergeants show up and get off their respective buses, everyone in my basic had a secret clearance or higher so we had a small "class" we couldn't even fill all four companies( companies sound weird to me becaus I was artillery and we have batteries not companies.

Any way, the ds's get off the bus and I instantly can see one of them drill sergeant Wise was not the guy I wanted, suprise suprise I get to go with Drill Sergeant Wise. Ugh.

So our very first morning they wake us up with a metal trash can and a baseball bat.....AAAHHH WTF. IS GOING ON?????!!!!!

We toe the line recite the pledge of allegiance, the Army values. Loyaty, Duty, Respect, Selfless service, Honor,Integrity and Personal courage ( LDRSHIP) SINGLE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AND THE army song, failure to comply is ......well you guys know the drill, you will comply or wish you had.

So after we get "smoked" for about an hour the male ds leavve and a young good looking female ds( I swear Drill Sergeant Wise I wasn't eyeballing one of your females, plz don't make me beat my face)comes in, and in the nicest nicest mommy voice I have ever heard in my life says" soldiers, we know the military isn't for evveryone, you have had a day now to see what it like, if at this time you feel it isn't for you just say so and we will do everything in our power to correct the situation" I am thinking OMFG NO!!!! Plz nobody say yes, so what happens.
A chinese immigrant named AO raises his hand. I just look down at where I am about to beat my face, and before I can even finish the thought, all 3 male ds come rushing back in to ruin our lives. I believe we only did PT for W hours the first time.

The next morning, same thing happens, and I'm like yah right, noby is dumb enough to....brfore I even finish the though, poor AO once again raises his..lol

This continues pretty much daily until our last day in basic before shipping out to AIT. On the last morniing, the same thing happens, but this time when AO raises his hand, to our utter disbelief, she walks across the bay and pats him on the head, and says AO, I have never met a man as hard core for PT as you in my life, I can't believe every single time, you raise you hand soldier. AO responds, I just don't think it will matter what I say, your gonna smoke us anyways, I figured I might as well piss you off in the process. All 4 ds about hypervventilated laughing so.

Drill Sergeant Wise, the most hard core man I have ever known, gave AO an Arcom (army comindatin medal) for his PT work ethic in making his fellow recruits( now soldiers) the fittest group he had ever trained. We had 100% pass the PT test after first time goes after the second test, I was one of the lucky few that was already in great shape, from track cross country and strength and condition class in highschool.

While serving my time at Parris Island we had many pranks we would pull. Boot Camp was actually alot of fun for me and many of the Marines I know. It was also the easiest time spent in the Corps., at least for us infantryman. My favorite thing to do was to walk around the squad bay on firewatch and send the bolts home on recruits
M-16s. The cable locks would jam it up and they wouldn't be able to get it open in time in the morning and it always made things interesting. Half the squadbay would be struggling with their weapons and the DIs would end up smoking us all morning for it.

reply to post by inverslyproportional


I saw AO nce more after about 6 years, he was not only still in, he had decided to become a lifer, he originally joined to do 2 years for citizenship, he has since been promoted to Sergent Major from what I heard from a friend a few years back.

reply to post by azbowhunter


I got another couple good stories, here we go, these are shorted and sweeter.

So one day about 4f weeks in, we are all tired and hot as we just got back from a road march to the ranges a day at the ranges and a march bag, ending with drag ass hill, you guys know what I'm talking about. About a 100 yards high, and so steep. It breaks your heart just to think about it.

So we are back in the baracks and in walks Drill Sergeant Wise ( the most hard corfe guy I ever met) with a huge smile on his face, he says" well soldiers you guys did pretty good today, if I compared you to my 3 year old daughter. So for your hard work, we decided to do you a favor! Who wants to go to the beach!!??" Once again I am like plz God no do raise your hands, well like half the platoon raises their hands. He orders us into our full PTs and to be down on the drill pad in the next 3 minutes.

We all hurry and change and fall in on the pad, theyh call us to attention and begin marching us, into the biggest sand pit I have ever seen.

After we are in the middle I hear the words I feared most. Extend to the left..march! Aaahhh we spread out in PT formation and begin the smoking of a lifetime in the sand........I don't think I need to elaborate on the details, suffice to say I had sand in places I didn't even know I had.

Once back at the barracks, some of the other soldiers tell me they honestly thought we were gonna go to the real beach to go swimming, lol..its true what they privates will believe anything.lol

My other tail is the grenade range, we get told at least a thousand times when we throw the grenade get down don't watch, so what does my ass do? Yep you guessed it I throw the grenade at watch, marvelling at my beautiful perfect arc and accuracy of my throw...before I even watch it. Fly 20 feet the instructor grabs me by the flack vest and drops me HARD, landing on my cussing you dumb sonofaBOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!! There was a tire out on the range we were supposed to aim for, it came down and landed on the bunker and hit mee in the helemt knocking me back down. Drill Sergeant Wise walks up and says see what happens when ya do listen Karmas a Bitch boy!!!

Lol I loved that #, now that its over and I get to look back on it.

Originally posted by inverslyproportional
reply to post by azbowhunter

 

Lol I loved that #, now that its over and I get to look back on it.

I feel the same way.

Funny how time heals all wounds. Even wounds called "Drill Instructor"!

Haha,these are funny man.....every time i read one i read it aloud in my head in the voice of sergent hartmann from full metal jacket lol

Okay, I arrived at Reception at Ft Jackson around 1 or 2 am, and immediately taken to a large room where you immediately start filling out all the paperwork that will follow you thru your military service, and get the start of the MANY briefings you will get in basic by the Drill Sgts.
Being this was in the 1990's, the US Army was an all volunteer army, no draftees since the early 1970's. Irreguardless, the drill sgts still ask us recruits were any of us forced to enlist, did anyone put a gun to our head and make us enlist. I raised my hand and saud, my mom and dad forced me to enlist. You know they say dont make a name for yourself in basic, stay under the radar, needless to say, I didnt...
Fast forward to AIT, Ft Lee, VA. The dorms there are 4 men to a room. It was me and 3 others, my 'batt'e buddy' was this geeky we all called Beeker, due to his resemblance to the muppet Beeker (tentativeequinox.files.wordpress.com...) had Beeker had a crewcut and joined the Army. This guy was a COMPLETE screwup, and since everything was teamwork in the military, when one person screwed up, EVERYONE in the room paid the price. needless to say,. this guy had ATFU (if youre military, you know what that means) written across his forehead, he never had his locker squared away, never did his bed correctly and threw tantrums every time we tried to correct him. One day, after training, we're in our room, the 4 of us, so Beeker decided to take a shower, so he took his hygene items, locked his locker, stuck his keys under his pillow and hit the showers. I looked at my other 2 roommates and grinned. I grabbed my Polaroid, unlocked his locker, climbed INSIDE and had one of bthe other guys lock me in. About 5 minutes later, Beeker comes back, unlocks his locker, I jump out yelling, and snapping polaroids. This guy damn near WET himself and screamed like a girl. The pics I got were him with this INTENSE look of terror on his face (I gotta find those pics to scan). So he starts yelling at me while the 3 of us are laughing so hard we cant breathe. Oiur Drill Sgt comes into the room to see what was going on. as Beeker explained and he saw the pics, you can tell he was trying not to laugh while chewing me out, after he walked out, you can hear him laughing on his way down the hall.

Fast forward to my first duty station, Ft Wainwright, Alaska. its late spring, and about 2 AM. Something woke me up out of a sound sleep. As I lay there, I hear a slight noise, coming from the room next door to me in the barracks. As I listen the noise got louder, then realized what it was: my next door neighbor had brought someone to his room, and the sounds were coming from her! They got so loud to the point I hear doors opening up and down the hallway and other sleeping soldiers poking their heads out. I then informed them that it was from the room next to mine. Being in Army barracks, you werent SUPPOSED to have overnight visitors, we knew eventually they'd have to leave, the dozen or so of us that were woken up, positioned ourselves by the ONLY door out, and we sat there, drinking beer and making lewd jokes about my neighbor. About an hour later, the door opened and they both stepped out. As she stepped into the hallway and saw us, we all stood up and applauded, hooted & hollared, pretty much being juveniles. She ducked back into the room, and after about 10 mins of coaxing, my neighbor got her to leave with him, her face was bright red and kept looking down, not able to look at ANY of us.
As my name here is Homer, it was my nickname in the Army, how I got it, I am not too sure, but it was meant to be my nickname, because eventually EVERYONE knew me as Homer. One day, during an awards ceremony, I was receiving my second Army Achievement Medal, and our XO was reading the citation, and as we were pinned, he would read off the names. When he got to me, instead of saying Specialist Joseph , he said Specialist Homer . Everyone, INCLUDING the CO laughed. The XO was like what? The CO had to explain it was my nickname, not my real name!

reply to post by usmc0311

Ha ha. That's funny. Boot isn't hard enough for some people. You have to make it an even uglier experience.

Are you proud?

reply to post by aaaiii


Dude, what are you talking about! Ever done Marine Basic?