a drugged viewer

I would like to first state that those of you who are going to laugh at me or re-label me, don't waste your keyboard...many, many more intelligent people have tried. This is my past:

I grew up in an unusual environment. My father worked for various government agencies, and I grew up attending DODDS schools (Department of Defense Dependents Schools) in fenced-in villages that weren't even on the map. They tried to make the school curriculum as "normal" as possible, and I excelled at standardized tests. By the third grade, I had a college reading and writing level. I was also a prodigy on the piano, so I wasn't by any means dumb.

But as a young child, I would have night terrors. Not nightmares, but night terrors. My father would pull my rigid body out of bed as I screamed, take me into the kitchen, and throw a cup of cold water on my face. It was the only way to stop the screaming. Other nights I would sleepwalk downstairs while he was still awake, and would refuse to go back to bed, even if it meant a spanking. This is how the insomnia began.

When I was eight, I had my first experience. We owned a cat back then, and I remember laying in bed at some early hour of the morning (my father removed the clock in my room to try to deter the insomnia), when the cat started growling like a dog at the foot of the bed. I could see the room clearly because the damn street lamp was right outside my window. I turned my head to the right to see what the cat was growling at, and saw a demon-like person wearing a black business suit with tie, and sitting casually in the sole chair in my bedroom. He had positioned the chair two feet away from my bed. I was not afraid, not at all, because I knew he wasn't there to hurt me. Most children would have flipped out screaming, but I stayed calm. He had a lizard-like face, two horns, but dressed like a human. Looking back, I would say the suit was definitely tailored, as he was the size and proportion of a professional football player.

He didn't vocalize , but he was able to talk into my head. He told me that we were going to play one hand of poker. This is strange because at the time I had no idea what poker was, or how to play. He told me that if he won, he would take me "somewhere else where I'd be safer" and that if I won, I would "get a present that only I could see." He laid out 5 cards, and I remember asking him what mine meant. In truth I don't remember what my 5 cards were. He thought to me "don't show them to me yet." So I sat up, staring at 5 cards. He never dealt any more. I'm guessing this is because he already knew what my hand was. I didn't care at all, because at that point in my life I didn't give two splits where I ended up.

I know that I won the hand. The only reason I knew this was because he quietly stood up (the cat still growling and hissing, but remaining completely still), picked up the deck of cards, smoothed out the creases on his pants, and without a noise walked toward the door. As he reached the door, he turned around and thought to me, "You're a very lucky girl...." And then he ducked under the frame of the door and made no noises as he left. This experience changed my entire life.

After that night, the terrors stopped, but the insomnia continued. My mother, a clinical hypochondriac, took me to every children's hospital and every psychiatrist she could find. Most of them would shrug and say, "She can't die from lack of sleep." One of them suggested that my parents buy me a notebook to "release stress." And my father would let me stay awake, as long as I remained in my room.

So I would draw and write. One night, I decided to close my eyes and see what happened when I wrote. I don't know how many minutes passed, but when I came back, the words "Hello, I am Sayrna." Were written several times on one page. When I came back, I felt wonderful, a similar feeling as though I had slept.

I got addicted to "disassociating" (one of the words the psychiatrists used to describe my episodes). I would wake up and see things I didn't understand in the notebook. I remember seeing "You used to be a jester before you were you." I didn't even know what a jester was !..(years later I was voted "Class Clown" in my senior year of boarding school)... All of this time, my parents were asleep, so I felt free to write and draw at my leisure. The words and drawings became more complex. By the time I was nine, I was obsessively drawing people's faces, people I did not know. They were not high-quality portraits, but they were all different people.

At ten I was drawing people and their bodies, without clothing. It was then that my 3 year-old brother went through my room and found the notebook. My mother freaked out when she saw the nude drawings, phrases, and names I had written down. That was when my notebook was thrown away.

I don't know if it was because I was "discovered" by my mother, or if it was just a lapse, but my obsession with drawing and writing erratic phrases stopped. I took up a new obsession: closing my eyes and letting myself "drift." I can't think of any other name of it. I would see myself in third person flying just inches above large bodies of water. I would literally hear voices of varying volume, gender, and language. The voices started going 24/7. I would drift hours at school, and eventually I was sitting in the school counselor's office, being grilled about problems at home, etc...was my father's career affecting me...blah se blah...She determined I needed more mental stimuli in my life and placed me in GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) at the age of 12.

I was in GATE for two days, because I inadvertedly thought it was a place for people like me. I talked to the teacher about drifting, about my watcher, Sayrna, and about the man-thing who showed me at a young age how life can be a big gamble. The teacher expelled me from the program, and again I was sitting in the counselor's office. She called my mother in, and it was decided that I was too imaginative and trying to manipulate others to conform to my beliefs. It would be best if I were separated from the other students, but still be able to study. So, by the time I was in middle school, my schedule was not like any other student's. My first half of the day was spent in the very front of the teacher's desk in the classroom, getting the essentials (math and english) out of the way, and the second half was to be spent in the library, writing research papers that the teachers would review independently. The subjects of my papers ranged from an analysis of Beowulf to how primal human instinct continues to affect our daily lives.

I was allowed to come and go as I wished from the library, which was a good thing because by this time I was smoking a pack of Reds a day (didn't get carded in the United Kingdom) to calm me down. I was allowed to go smoke near the football field on the bleachers unescorted, though the school admin knew I was doing it.

I thought life was grand at this point. I was being educated in a semi-Montessori method, and getting credits for it. I learned to keep my mouth shut about the voices and visions I saw, but when I reached puberty everything changed for the worse.

The voices and images became louder and much more distracting. Though my parents were acting like everything was just fine, I began to know what was going to happen before it actually occurred. At the age of fourteen, I got to talk to my father during a rare opportunity (he was always "on the field"), and I told him that my mother was going to leave him someday. I couldn't tell him the year, but I told him it would happen in autumn, and that I saw diamonds in the picture. This was his boiling point. He made a few calls, and my confused mother and I were on the next "hop" to a children's unit in Atlanta, Georgia. My mother cried the entire flight, and when we stepped off the plane the next morning a group of non-uniformed orderlies were waiting for us. We were whisked to a private hospital in a tinted van, and I was then placed in a locked unit. My mother was taken to a very large residence for parents of the children in the hospital.

I was not suicidal nor homicidal. I did not do drugs. But I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. How could I live life without expressing my emotions and thoughts without being locked away? Yes, we were all treated like gold in this place...it wasn't state-run...it was very private with Ivy-League doctors. When I would see my doctor, if I told him who was talking to me, he labeled me as hallucinatory. If I remained mute, he labeled me as dissociative. This was when meds were put into the picture.

Sinnequan and Stelazine. I took them and pretended they worked. Everything was just fine. Meanwhile, the voices would tell me secrets about the hospital staff...that my doctor had a problem with doodling while seeing patients, that a certain hospital aide would leave one of the doors unlocked at night (I was behind three locked doors in succession), and that I could go into an empty office and make long-distance calls back to my only friend in England every other night (she was five hours ahead, so she was just waking up). After 30 days, I was released.

For two years I endured the torture of having to keep my mouth shut about what I knew that others didn't. If it became too overwhelming, I would tell my parents or a teacher, and I'd get hospitalized locally in a unit for military members. I would be separated from other patients because of my age and who my father was. Half-insane from the impasse I was stuck in, I would tell my physician that I knew he liked scuba diving with his wife. He was dumbfounded. I just couldn't "contain" anything in my teen years. I didn't know how to tame them.

My mother left my father October of 1994. Autumn.

I was accepted into many universities at 16, but I couldn't decide on a major. I attended Univeristy of Michigan, University of Maryland (European Division), and George Mason University. I majored in Mathematics and Pre-Med most of the time. Very rarely would I tell people what I knew, because by this time I knew where I'd end up.

After attending George Mason in Fairfax, VA, I became an independent contractor for the government and civilian sectors, though I received more jobs from the government, mostly short-term positions. Of course, they knew everything about my childhood through the present. My father was disappointed that I chose not be a full-timer like him, but I knew deep down I would never be accepted into his "company" because of my record.
They still contracted me, though, and made sure I made more than enough money to keep me clothed, fed, and sheltered in an exclusive environment.

After 9/11, I met a wonderful man who I trusted (and still trust), and closed up shop. Because of my total trust in him, I was able to tell him what I see and hear. He has an open mind, so he listened intently. We became lovers, and three months later I began hearing, "Do not smoke...do not smoke..." It became louder and louder that I was covering my ears when he came home from work. He was scared when I told him what was going on, and he took me to the hospital. We found out I was two weeks pregnant. I was so happy. I was buying baby clothes and converting my office into a nursery. Two months into my pregnancy they were back, not very loud, whispering, "I'm so sorry M....., I'm so sorry...." One week later I had a miscarriage. I was devastated.

Seeing the attacks on the Pentagon, and losing our child, we both needed a change of pace. So we moved west. For 8 months I would not leave my bedroom. My s/o tried very hard to help me, but all I heard was how sorry everyone was. He gave me a month to try to help myself, but I couldn't so he took me to a well-known clinic in Minnesota. I told them everything that I'm telling you now, and am now ordered to ingest an overdose of :

Seroquel (an anti-psychotic: for the voices...it doesn't work)
Restoril (a tranquilizer: so that I get 3-4 hours of sleep a day)
Valium (long-acting hypnotic: so that I don't talk as much)
Ativan (a fast-acting hypnotic: so that I don't respond to what I see and hear)
Zoloft: (an anti-depressant: so that I don't cry when I see bad visions)

I still have visions of the future and of the past. I still hear voices telling me how to not get hurt (e.g.. yesterday I almost got hit by a car when he ran a red light, and a voice told me to wait, even though my light was green)...stuff like that. It ranges from the mundane to the very important. And I'm drugged to supress it. I wish I could live a normal life, but it never has been normal, so I'm figuring it never will be. Anyways, that's my story, and that's why I'm here.

Dot.

[edit on 26-9-2004 by dotgov101]

Thought I'd reply to myself to tell you about my controllable "gifts":

- I can sense the presense of another human being who is outside of my sight and sound range, and determine if they are male or female

- I don't need to wear a watch, because I am able to tell the time within a 5 minute +/- scale, without sunlight.

- Animals, wild and tame, are not afraid of me and will come up to me and "greet" me when I'm outdoors (especially sparrows and crows). If they are dangerous to humans, they simply acknowledge me and walk/crawl away. I've had this happen with a rabid rottweiler and rattlesnake.

- Twice in the past year I have been able to detect tumors and their locations in my body, without any pain to indicate them. They were removed promptly to prevent malignancy.

Hi dotgov quite a tail to tell you have . I understand what your going through as the things that I have had happen were simmler in my life .
As a matter of fact the only reasion im wrighting back to you is so that you relize your not alone with how your are.
My abilitys are in a more power full range as well and like you I started using them befor i knew what they were getting things seeing things and so on .( If details you want pm me .
when I was 13 I had and extream eppsode in wich I relized I was doing something wich I dident understand . So being highly intellgent I did what I aloways do when confrunted by something I dont know.
I went to dozzens of libaries and even found a few very few people that had an understanding of these things . At this point of my life I know more about this area then any scientest or sycolgist .
When I was 16 the thing (gost? demond? showed up of corse this guy dident leave for years he followed me around the country once i left home.
finly got the better of him . Now im 39 marred with 6 boys nice home the works.
Ill tel you the way to deal with this is to learn how and what you have to control it .
It can be brought under control to the point were you can live a (normal life? what ever that is . alest to the point were it doesent hound you every minit of the day.
My advice is to go to the libary find books on ESP or mind over matter .
Wile most are usless there is some understanding of these things written here and there.
Rember its your brain and your abiltys wich means you can control it if you learn how its like breathing you do it without thinking of it but you can hold your breath if you want.
ps pm me if you want.

Wow you have led an interesting but painful life at times. I'm very glad you are here. Do you think that maybe these voices you hear telling you to destroy yourself by taking an overdose is due to the loss of your child and not due to the voices you normally hear, they have always told you things to protect you and keep you safe. Right now as hard as it is to resist the destructive voices you need to tell your significant other how you feel and allow yourself to let go of some of your grief, come back to your SO, you have found something very rare someone who you love very much and someone who is a friend and confidant at the same time. Plus you may not like hearing this but you are being very selfish not to try and pull yourself through this and be there for him, he is grieving too and needs and loves you. Talk to him he needs you to and you need to tell him how desperately sorrowful you are right now. Talk to him please.

wow dotgov, that is a fascinating life story!

Have you ever considered going into the paranormal field? Find people that study the paranormal and tell them what you know or even get a job with them and add your gift to their work.

It must be painful to have everyone just assume that you are hallucinating and treat you with medication. I hope that you can find others who have similar experiences.

Thanks for sharing your amazing story!

Jemison

Originally posted by goose
Wow you have led an interesting but painful life at times. I'm very glad you are here.

Thank you. I'm very glad to be here. This is my last chance at determining whether I should believe in science or in myself. I studied psychology for several years, and it is not an exact science, which makes my dillemma even more challenging.

Do you think that maybe these voices you hear telling you to destroy yourself by taking an overdose is due to the loss of your child and not due to the voices you normally hear

Oh, no no no. It was the clinic and my current team of "mindologists" that have me well over the regular adult dose. I've had my regular physician tell me that I shouldn't even be alive by now, with the dosages I'm on. Lord only knows how my disposition would be without them! I even limit my sugar and caffeine intakes, am a vegetarian, and exercise at least 2 hours a day. My only vice is my cigarette smoking...but who wouldn't smoke with a life like mine? Incidentally, I take all pills as directed. I do not abuse them in any way. I am also street-drug and alcohol free.

Right now as hard as it is to resist the destructive voices you need to tell your significant other how you feel and allow yourself to let go of some of your grief, come back to your SO, you have found something very rare someone who you love very much and someone who is a friend and confidant at the same time.

The voices are rarely destructive. They are, however, bossy. They tell me to do everything, and start just as I'm waking up from my daily nap. From brushing my teeth to writing my life story, they are behind everything I do. I am grateful for them, because nearly everything they tell me is geared toward improving my life, and those around me. Sometimes they make me paranoid, because I am able to tell what some people are thinking and feeling on occasion, and I just have to try to ignore those aspects, because telling someone you know what they think of you has negative consequences.

Plus you may not like hearing this but you are being very selfish not to try and pull yourself through this and be there for him, he is grieving too and needs and loves you. Talk to him he needs you to and you need to tell him how desperately sorrowful you are right now. Talk to him please.

We've always been together, through thick and thin. He thinks it's an illness, but just to throw him off I'll occasionally tell him insignificant things, like his truck will need to be fixed in two months due to a mechanical problem with the windshield wiper motor. He usually laughs it off, but always scratches his head when it happens in this world. We all exist in more than one world. ... maybe I'll write more about that someday.

dot.

Originally posted by Jemison
wow dotgov, that is a fascinating life story!

Thank you. It's actually a condensed version, but all of it is true.

Have you ever considered going into the paranormal field? Find people that study the paranormal and tell them what you know or even get a job with them and add your gift to their work.

Because I'm not "trained" to sort through my visions, I don't think I am qualified to perform any duties. At midnight last night I had a vision of my very abusive ex using heroin. I flowed outward from the room he was in, into the building he was in, into the city he was in, and finally, into the state he is living in. I now know where he is and what he was doing at the time. However, I didn't sit down and think his name over and over again. Both the visions and the voices are uncontrollable and inconsollable. My brain is trained to tell the time of day, yet it has a problem with differentiating the past from the present, and the present from the future. Maybe in time it will correct itself.

I also have no control over who I will see. I've seen celebrities and I've seen felons. Most of the time there is no speaking. I am literally just "viewing." I can not stop what they are doing. I can only watch.

It must be painful to have everyone just assume that you are hallucinating and treat you with medication. I hope that you can find others who have similar experiences.

The most difficult part is speaking out...either way we're going to get labeled. Thank you for your comments

Dot.

Dot said:
"After attending George Mason in Fairfax, VA, I became an independent contractor for the government and civilian sectors, though I received more jobs from the government, mostly short-term positions."


MY Questions:
DOD independent contractor in term positions, that's 6-13 months positions.
"Received"? You have to apply for DOD positions, even term positions... I know that for a fact.
What type of work, and where, bases?

Originally posted by LL1
MY Questions:
DOD independent contractor in term positions, that's 6-13 months positions.
"Received"? You have to apply for DOD positions, even term positions... I know that for a fact.
What type of work, and where, bases?

I was never given a GS rating. I was an independent contractor who provided comp/com activity several times and then helped conduct training at the FBI training academy near Quantico, Virginia. I resided in Quantico town, and if you've ever been to the training academy, you will know that Quantico town is the only township in the WORLD to be surrounded by a guarded Marine Corps Base. This base is also where the Marine One (the Presidential Helicopter) is kept, and is also the Officer Training School for Marines fresh out of boot camp. There is also a golf course I'd drive through (a crappy one) to get to my house.

Is that enough for you, or would you like to know about Sam's, the one of three pubs in Q-town (as the town is called by the locals), that's got a chitty pool table and sells unmeasured shots? From what I hear back home, he's currently renovating the place. There's also The Command Post pub, which is infested with cockroaches and run by a town councilman named Al.

Please don't question my creditentials. It wastes my time, and yours.

Dot.

I am a little confused and would like to ask a few questions, please.

If there is nothing wrong with you, why do you take all the medicine the physicians prescribe? Couldn't this be contributing to your predicament?

May I ask approximately what age range you are?

Do you know that you have control over how you feel? You can choose to let this run your life or you can choose a different path. It's all up to you hun.

I just get the feeling that you are letting others determine your path instead of taking a proactive approach.

I hope I didn't offend as it is not my intention.

I am of the belief that if you give out positive energy, you will receive positive back. You can change your destiny, it is all up to you.

Bless.

Rokgodes

You should not have a problem being questioned, if you put it all out there for questions...

I asked: type of work... never about your residence.

You answered first paragraph, what I questioned GS/work....
Never asked for a posted resume residency, you offered.
Gosh! You don't have to get so up-tight about it!
Why!? post if you don't want to be questioned?
About wasting time..
You have already indicted in another thread how addicted you are to here...
So let's waste time....

I know for a fact that:

Some DOD positions are not acquired by submitted resume's.

Some DOD positions are acquired by word-of-mouth from reliable sources, including (but not limited to) family members.

I have been briefed and debriefed in "public" looking buildings located well outside base perimiters, some of which were in housing and industrial zones. Hence, what base I was at (though I lived in Quantico) is redundant.

The DOD contracted me for an undisclosed length of time to collect data which I can not, and will not discuss.

edited to insert "can not"

Dot.

[edit on 26-9-2004 by dotgov101]

Originally posted by Rokgodes
I am a little confused and would like to ask a few questions, please.

Not a problem. I'm used to them by now.

If there is nothing wrong with you, why do you take all the medicine the physicians prescribe? Couldn't this be contributing to your predicament?

I wrote my story in order to get comments from this forum as to whether or not my situation was medical or paranormal. I take the medication because numerous physicians have recommended it. It does help with giving me a few hours' sleep, and it keeps me more focused on this world.

May I ask approximately what age range you are?

I was born in 1976.

Do you know that you have control over how you feel? You can choose to let this run your life or you can choose a different path. It's all up to you hun.

I'm learning to have control my feelings, as they differ throughout the day. The meds make me numb most of the time. However, every feeling is triggered. I can be removed from the present and inserted into the past, and some the past bothers me.

I just get the feeling that you are letting others determine your path instead of taking a proactive approach.

I don't let anyone determine my path. Not even my father could. My path has taken me from Europe to Idaho, and I don't regret one minute of it. My proactive approach was going to see doctors, and to see if there is a medical remedy for me. I was sleepless, and I felt like I had 20 talk-radio stations going on in my head, most of which came true, and continues to come true.

I hope I didn't offend as it is not my intention.

Not at all. I appreciate your input. God bless!

Dot.

Originally posted by LL1
You should not have a problem being questioned, if you put it all out there for questions...

I am sorry. I thought you were going to try to call me a fraud.

I asked: type of work... never about your residence.

You asked "What type of work, and where, bases?" I collected and occasionally analyzed data for the Department of Defense. Where I brought the hard data was not located on a military base. It was located just outside of Washington DC. Your question was vague, so when you mentioned bases, I told you where I had lived (Quantico, VA). In addition to my independent work, I assisted in recruit training at the FBI Academy.

About wasting time..You have already indicted in another thread how addicted you are to here...
So let's waste time....

Because you're looking at a part of my career field rather than the post in general, trying to get information that I can/will not provide.

Dot.

Hi I've read your post and have some questions for you.

This person you call Sayrna. Have you ever met him or her? Do you think that this is your "higher" self?

You say that you don't get a lot of sleep and the med help you get sleep. Do you remember the dreams that you have?

Do the voice come to you when your mind is in at relaxed state?

I think that you have a very interesting story ( even if it is condensed) and a special gift.. It seems that you have mastered the art of what they call Astral projection /out of body experience. I have been learning about these thing and really don�t claim to be an expert. I think in the society the things we don�t understand scare us because we can�t define or control it. Life is a creative process and as I see you creativity have expanded to the realm we/you live in.

There are some genuine people on this board that have helped me understand what the hell been going on in my head this past year and a half. I thank all the people that have replied to my dream/obe post. Unlike you I brought a lot of what has happened to me upon my self.. I truly see why they say ignorance is bliss. I don�t know what you view is on spirituality but I think that this is your first step to really look within your self to find peace and harmony. A lot of the �creatures� you see are sometimes reflection/manifestations of your �self�.

I kinda feel that you don�t want to live a �normal� life. Where�s the challenge in that. I think that only you can solve the problems that you are having. I don�t have any meditative technique, or �magical spell� to share with you so you can stop what is happening to you. All I can tell you is to look within in your self and face your �demons� because you�re the only one that has to deal with you. Not those closed minded overeducated doctors.

Originally posted by DaTruth
Hi I've read your post and have some questions for you.

This person you call Sayrna. Have you ever met him or her? Do you think that this is your "higher" self?

She called herself Sayrna. I never named her. I met her once, when I was a child. At that time she was my only protector. She has since moved back in the "heirarchy" of what I see and hear. My higher self hasn't been determined yet...I have an undetermined amount of:

present-protectors who tell me the mundane, like how and when to drive, brush my teeth, eat healthy, etc.
future protectors who tell me to do something I would not normally do, and then I find out later that it was for my own good, like taking a different route to work, only to find out later that there was a chemical spill on my normal route. They have also told me where two tumors were in my body.
"the therapist" I can't think of a better name for her. She talks to me when I'm under extreme duress or in a crisis. She provides ingenius help and ideas to get me through the crisis. The only repercussions of the therapist is that I can only vaguely remember the crisis itself. Her, and the protectors take over my body and mind to keep it from harm. For some reason I weep uncontrollably when she talks to me. I think it's an outlet of her presence, as it is the only time I cry. That is not an exaggeration. I will only cry when the therapist is talking me through a crisis.

You say that you don't get a lot of sleep and the med help you get sleep. Do you remember the dreams that you have?

I get around four hours sleep a day. The only time I got eight hours was when I was taking restoril, ativan, valium, depakote, seroquel, and zoloft at extremely high doses every day. This was before I met my current doctor. I did not dream back then. They would only paralyze my body for 6-8 hours. I would wake up with muscle contractions from not moving in my sleep. My doctor told me at the time that most people would be dead from the dosages I was on, and has started to wean me off of the heavier tranquilizers.

I dream sometimes. I know they are dreams because they are about silly stuff...but my mind enjoys using the darkness and lack of noise to go into "viewing" mode. Half of my prophecies are shown to me at night, after my 4 hours of sleep are over.

Do the voice come to you when your mind is in at relaxed state?

They come at all times. The therapist comes when I'm not relaxed, though she enjoys to override the protectors. The protectors are there even before I wake up from my 4 hours. They're not as pronounced as the therapist. Her voice is loudest.

I don�t know what you view is on spirituality but I think that this is your first step to really look within your self to find peace and harmony.

I am a born-again Christian. It's tough because the Bible preaches against
"false prophets." God is with me throughout all of this, but the Bible tells me not to believe that I am like God, or to pretend to have God's powers. That's reason #2 as to why I keep quiet about all of this in my outside life.

A lot of the �creatures� you see are sometimes reflection/manifestations of your �self�.

I'm 50/50 about that. The entities I see and hear call me by my name, and refer to me in third person. Like, "M....you better take the elevator because the stairs are wet halfway down."

I kinda feel that you don�t want to live a �normal� life. Where�s the challenge in that.

I moved to the midwest to get more "normalcy," but a geographical change didn't do anything except cut my time spent in traffic. Life is definitely more simple, but it's far from "normal." I always prayed to be like everyone else, but both my parents have pointed out to me that I've always been different from my peers. I'm glad to be different, but it's only on this forum that I can explain why I am different. I can't even tell some of these things to my S/O.

So...thanks for the questions and comments. It helps me a lot to know that I'm not the only person who might believe that this could be real. I have a monthly evaluation today at 3:30, so I get to hear how science views me.

Thank you...
Dot.

I honestly don't know if I have anything quality to add to your thread, aside from My sincere wishes for you to be able to get some normalcy, and also I am vastly intruiged by what you have to say.

In a limited respect, I have one similar gift yours. I have an uncanny accuracy with guaging time, even without a clock. I've had this for as long as I can remember. It amuses my friends, lol.

A comment I would like to add, is it may be in your best interest to put aside the rigid structure of Born-Again, and embrace God in your own way. It may give you a little more solace, to free-form your relationship with God, than follow words written by Men on behalf of God. God knows you are still true to his/her/it, so the only people upset by your decision would be other humans. This is like the anaolgy, when you know how to to ride the bike, that is how you know God. When you have to use training wheels, it is you holding onto the safety of precedent, like knowing God through the safety of falling back on the fail safe, your religious community.

Ack, what a sentence.

Back to your anomolous life, The anti-psychotics. Would you rather be on them to numb you up? As you had suggested they only work to the point of doing just that, not actually stopping what happens to you. Why not just stick for a sedative for sleep?

I don't imagine you will ever have the voices stop. Do you want them to? Would you know what to do with yourself without them? On that thought have you ever asked them to leave you be? Would they listen if you did?

Do you feel "crazy" or do you feel sane? Do you just have a very "crazy" multitude of gifts, and you are an normal, albeit exceptionally intellegent woman?

One Final note, your anti-pschotic cocktail is a dangerous mix. Of course you probably realize this.

Recently, My Aunt passed away from such an anti-psychotic cocktail toxifying her body.

Well without further ado, I look forward to more, and thank you for sharing your story.

-ADHDsux4me

I had just finished answering your post when my cat hit the sleep button on the keyboard. Maybe she's trying to tell me something...lol. So, I'm sorry but my sentences will be short as I need to go to work in an hour.

Originally posted by ADHDsux4me
I honestly don't know if I have anything quality to add to your thread, aside from My sincere wishes for you to be able to get some normalcy, and also I am vastly intruiged by what you have to say.

Thank you for your sincerity. I was expecting a different response from members..I never thought they'd be curious.

A comment I would like to add, is it may be in your best interest to put aside the rigid structure of Born-Again, and embrace God in your own way. It may give you a little more solace, to free-form your relationship with God, than follow words written by Men on behalf of God. God knows you are still true to his/her/it, so the only people upset by your decision would be other humans. This is like the anaolgy, when you know how to to ride the bike, that is how you know God. When you have to use training wheels, it is you holding onto the safety of precedent, like knowing God through the safety of falling back on the fail safe, your religious community.

I'm born-again in the sense that I have accepted J.C. as my personal saviour. I'm not an evangelist nor a "holy roller." The church I belong to is located back home...McLean Bible Church. The minister is really laid-back, and the sermons are solely based on picking the King James Bible apart, verse by verse. On Sundays, we listen online. We do not put on our Sunday best and sit in a pew. Most of the people out here can't believe that I won't do that. lol. The sermons help me in that my past actions have been forgiven, and how to be spiritually fit. The Bible notes two things about people like me...it says Blessed are the Meek, but it also says Beware of False Prophets...

I guess I'm blessed and cursed?

Back to your anomolous life, The anti-psychotics. Would you rather be on them to numb you up?

They keep me from acting out negatively with what the voices tell me to do. The voices usually tell me everything I need to function in society, but before I was on Seroquel I would do strange things...like wake up in another state in a 4 star hotel room, or I would wake up with burns on my arm in the shape of a cross.

I want to add that the dose I am on is TWICE the maximum adult human dosage. There are no clinical trials for the amount I am on...but my endocrine system was checked last week, and according my blood tests, my liver and kidneys are functioning quite well.

As you had suggested they only work to the point of doing just that, not actually stopping what happens to you. Why not just stick for a sedative for sleep?

I'm on three tranquilizers. At night, I have to take them all at once. They put my brain in black mode. The voices are still talking and singing to me, but my body is paralyzed. This is the closest I get to sleeping. Visions still occur, and I rarely dream.

I don't imagine you will ever have the voices stop. Do you want them to?

Not anymore...they are my best friends and my worst enemies at the same time. Kind of like having a family reunion over and over again. I am alive today because of them, but then again I don't have a normal life because of them.

Would you know what to do with yourself without them?

No. I instinctively "see" that if they were to completely leave I would become catatonic.

On that thought have you ever asked them to leave you be?

Yes... they were extremely loud and dominating twice. Both times were when I was in two different psychiatric hospitals and unmedicated (when you're first admitted, they don't give you anything..not even a cigarette...you have to wait at least 3 days just to get your clothes).

Would they listen if you did?

No. They are within me and external at the same time. If all of these meds don't "kill" them, nothing will. Besides, I've become accustomed to them. I know most of the time, they're looking out for my safety.

Do you feel "crazy" or do you feel sane?

It depends on the time of day and where I am. If I am in my home, I feel sane because I maintain the house's aura, and my brother and husband are usually here with me. If I am at work, The Protector comes out of me and filters what I should and should not hear. When she comes out, I do feel crazy. I have to control my breathing and lower my heart rate so that I don't have an actual "episode" that I can't control.

Do you just have a very "crazy" multitude of gifts, and you are an normal, albeit exceptionally intellegent woman?

Thank you for thinking I'm "exceptionally intelligent!"
I believe I have gifts, but with them comes the damage they cause on my psyche. This damage is controlled by the pills. If I were physically normal, the pills would have killed me long ago. In normal people, even small doses Seroquel causes tardive dyskenesia, which is extreme twitching and shaking of the arms and legs. I'm trying to pinpoint my situation..for now I believe that I am gifted, but the gift has caused my brain to form differently, and that the meds help balance me out.

One Final note, your anti-pschotic cocktail is a dangerous mix. Of course you probably realize this.

Yes. Especially the Seroquel. . .but so far body is doing well, according to my lab results.

Recently, My Aunt passed away from such an anti-psychotic cocktail toxifying her body.

My condolences. I hope I can assure you that she is now in a better place.

Well without further ado, I look forward to more, and thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you for your interest, and God bless!

Dot.

You know, it's funny... just a few days ago, I was sitting in my Geology lecture, doodling, and I drew an uncharacteristically good picture of a horned lizard wearing a tailored business suit. I thought it was funny, but I really didn't know why at the time... I guess just because that's what most lawyers really look like?

Very interesting story, though; I have to wonder what agency employed this dapper fellow with the gambling problem, though; was he demonic, extraterrestrial, or otherwise?

Keep us posted if anything new happens... you're telling the truth here, and that makes this genuinely interesting

In regards to the biblical verses, the meek, and false prophets.

I can understand, why you would aside from the sideways glances, want to keep quite publicy about your gifts and predictions, but to play devil's advocate. I see you not going against god for having the gift, and using it for small personal things.

Now if you were to go on public TV, and unlock the secrets of the universe for everyone, that could be perceived as false prophetism. However, You could clearly state how conflicted you are about it. You don't want to outshine the creator, but you feel you were given this gift to do work in his name, and that you are a just a conduit, and no more special than your everyday person. Also explain, to those who would listen keep the bible in their hearts, in no way do you want to overshadow Jesus or God. They chose you to have this, but their teachings are far superior to what you have to say, and take their word above all things.

As far as meek goes, I think humble would be a better explanation. Jesus was humble. But Old Testamet God Sure wasn't lol! BOOM Fire and Brimstone! New testamet, love and turn the other cheek. When did the paridigm shift happen? LOL

You were chosen to have what you have for a purpose. Is it to suffer with it silently, or is it to bring help to others through you gifts in the spirit of love your neighbor?

On that note, If I were to ask for some of your wisdom could you, and or would you help me? I could use a little re-assuring on some things, and I would be honored and humbled if someone would. At many points in the last 10 years up to the now, I feel a futility, and could use a little help divining whether this is supposed to be this way.

My thanks,

-ADHDsux4me