Any advice on how to be less socially awkward?

I'm somewhat socially awkward. Nothing too bad, but lots of little things that end up offending people or making them dislike me. I'm not sure how to fix these things. My biggest issues come in my sociology class, which I refer to as my "shady" class, because there's a lot of shady looking people in there and types I wouldn't otherwise affiliate myself with. I don't know why because I'm always nice to them, and my opinions of the class don't change how i treat them, but they seem to find a lot of issues with many of the things I say or my mannerisms and are very quick to judge.

-Today I was working in a group with a few african american people and I said "so what do you people want to do?" They found me saying "you people" offensive. I just don't get how that's offensive. It's one thing if I say a racist name, it's another thing to say something like this. I don't see how the words "you" and "people" are offensive.
-I have ADHD and have a hard time sitting still. Sometimes while working in groups, I'm standing up and walking around when talking to people. That's just me, I work best when I'm moving around and thinking and many times don't even realize i'm doing this. But my group members said they found this intimidating.
-My teacher sometimes gives me a hard time because while she's talking, she says I stare at her. I don't do this intentionally but sometimes stare off when I'm thinking.
-I'm an introvert and my group sometimes gives me a hard time because I'm not constantly talking like they are. They say I'm not contributing. I mean, I do. I'm just not constantly talking.
-There's this one girl in my group who seems to find fault with much of what I do and what I mentioned above, moreso than others. I'm sitting on my chair wrong, I'm not talking enough, I'm standing up too much, etc. I don't know why, but she has an attitude towards me and doesn't like me. Then again, she has an attitude in general so I'm not sure if it's just me.

It's little things like this that make people judge me and dislike me. I'm not sure how to fix these things other than experience, or if I shouldn't worry about people who are so quick to judge. What do you think?

Just be yourself and try not to worry so much about what other people think of you.

As for posing your question regarding social advice on an anonymous discussion board mainly focused on alternative topics, politics and conspiracy theories - let the reader beware.

Do people know about your ADHD situation? It could help reassure those who find you intimidating. I know its not funny to talk openly about some problems, but maybe it could help?

1 - pick up your favorite beer
2 - drink said beer*
3 - go into any public place
4 - talk to random people, you never have to see them again anyway

* - repeat this step when needed

How to speak hip by Del Close will help you.

reply to post by mossme89


The world wants everyone to fit in and if you stick out, they try and hammer you down. Be you and don't worry about fitting in. You don't need them for your survival. Be true to yourself and you will attract people and situations that suit you. If you try to fit in you will make your life miserable, you will feel awkward.

reply to post by mossme89


So I read through this and I honestly didn't see any problem on your part..
I have add so I understand where you're coming from about not being able to sit still and needing to move around, I feel highly uncomfortable if I am made to sit.

To the whole "you people" thing that is also their fault, you were just addressing the group as a whole and not anyone by race.. So once again this was just them feeling like you were singling them out because race is actually on their mind.

Being an introvert isn't a bad thing man.. The only thing that is bad is making yourself unhappy because these people don't understand you..

I always thought teachers wanted you to give them eye contact because it shows that you are paying attention and not drifting?

I think the reason why you would consider yourself socially awkward around these people is because you don't understand them, which is a good thing because you will never be like them in being so judgemental or hateful. Next time you're in class just relax and do what you can do.

You are not responsible how others decide to interpret you. You will drive yourself insane walking on eggshells like that. (i fall into the trap) You cant go wrong if you genuinely come from a place of being helpful to another with 0 expectation of return.

Besides we interpret through billions and billions of false paradigms and false beliefs. 5000+ years of it to be exact.

Embrace socially awkward...its a good change you are becoming less and less of the world and don't fit. Everyone is a divine expression of God....yes even what we consider bad. How may i best serve thee and your creation...thy will not mine be done.

I'm in AA and my sponsor uses the 10 rule.

In a room of 10 people, 1 you will hit it off with, there will be 1 that doesn't like ya one bit for whatever reason, and the other 8 aren't even paying attention.

reply to post by mossme89


Sounds like you have a classroom full of jack*sses, but then maybe it's because you've only detailed the negative stuff here. I'm probably the 55 yr old version of you, so when I tell you to just get through the situations that involve people that you just don't click with, I'm coming from decades of having learned that even someone like me (and you) have a "market", and that instead of working to become someone else, you should be aware of those folks that will actually like the kind of person you are.

I grew up with people who really didn't like me and it wasn't until I got far away from those people that I learned the truth that it's okay to be free to be yourself and to not dislike yourself. Anyone who criticizes anyone for insignificant physical expressions (like how they sit, stand, walk) or over awkwardly presented phrases within the context of simple communication (not speeches, of course) is a person who has their own self-esteem issues. People with healthy self-images simply don't engage in that kind of abusive behavior. That said, kids and teens wallow in that kind of crap, but then, that's because the whole bunch of them are writhing their way through the worst years of their entire lives, so what would you expect from them.

Never let anyone that you wouldn't let choose your tie choose your public personality. I guess that's as clean a way of looking at it as I can come up with.

reply to post by mossme89


It seems like the people in your class get bothered easily by small things. This is not healthy on their part, I dont see any problem with your behaviour. It wouldn't bother me at all, maybe because I dont get bothered easily.

They say you dont talk enough. Ive actually never heard anyone complain about "not talking to much", but it might be that our culture is different than the one you are from. I think some of your class mates have a very negative mind, which makes them look for faults in others. They dont see their own faults, only others.

Thats my opinion anyway.

reply to post by mossme89


It seems like the people in your class get bothered easily by small things. This is not healthy on their part, I dont see any problem with your behaviour. It wouldn't bother me at all, maybe because I dont get bothered easily.

They say you dont talk enough. Ive actually never heard anyone complain about "not talking to much", but it might be that our culture is different than the one you are from. I think some of your class mates have a very negative mind, which makes them look for faults in others. They dont see their own faults, only others.

Thats my opinion anyway.

Building confidence will help you, but you are what you are. Nearly everyone desires social value, and when we don't get it, we wonder why, and it definately affects our lives. It may be that your are fundamentally socially awkward and you're going to struggle with this for the rest of your life.

The good news is that so are a lot of other people, and they may be looking for that same kind of kinship. I suggest you study modern dating techniques... social dynamic type of stuff. You'll learn a lot about human behavior and may pick up some tricks to win some people (not just a gf) over instead of turning them off. Most people don't even realize how their behavior changes in social situations... the tone of voice turns neutral, even softer in many cases, various amounts of eye contact (and looking away at the right times), our words will usually be neutral and polite, neutral body language..etc.

In the end, nearly everyone except the extreme antisocial types care what other people think, so when you hear that line (don't care about what anyone else thinks), dismiss it. Nearly all of us walk out the door with our pants on. However, you may find later in life that you care less and less about what certain type of people think about you. The old saying comes to mind: Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. But even then that can be a bit faulty and shouldn't be taken completely to heart. As far as confidence building goes... if being in social situations scares you then you need to put yourself into as many social situations as you can until you are at least at a normal level of nervousness. Staring at people probably isn't going to win you many friends, btw. Might want to work on that.

reply to post by mossme89


Alcohol.



But seriously, there is a philosophy called, "Fake it til you make it." It works for some people. You observe and mimic the behavior you want to portray as yourself. You create a persona of the person you want to be, and you act out that persona until it becomes second nature.

And, a small bit of advice...... nobody respects political correctness. There are very few "African Americans." That would mean they were born in Africa and moved here. We have mostly Americans, that happen to be black. They know they are black, we know we are white, so trying to say things too appropriately makes one sound even more racist. Just be straightforward, and if there is something about another culture you don't understand, ask them straight up.

If a teacher is talking, and you are staring, isn't that what you are supposed to be doing? Seems odd the teacher would take notice of that, but it sounds like maybe you are perceived "creepy" in some way. This should be an easy fix, you probably were just never aware of it before.

When you listen, you should "actively" listen. Nod, smile, react to the words, shake your head, take some notes, etc. If you are picturing your teacher naked, then you probably shouldn't stare. If your mind is somewhere else entirely, then you are wasting time in the class. Listen to the teacher, and focus on the words, and the lesson, and make the class useful.

If you really are racist, then be racist, be honest, during sociology discussions, let your point of view be known, but also be open to other points of view and hopefully your horizons will be expanded and your racism will evaporate. If you are not really racist, but actually just naive, then let that be known as well. Qualify your statements with, "I don't really know much about black people, or the culture, but I have observed....x, or I have noticed....x, or I have heard..... x, is that incorrect?"

Let them educate you, that is the whole point of the class isn't it?

Fake it til you make it. Don't be embarrassed about trying this philosophy by the way. I've known many superstars that were extremely shy in personal settings. Everyone has a persona they hide behind. At least make it a persona you can appreciate and enjoy. Join a Toastmasters or Rotary Club, volunteer at a Children's Hospital, Shadow and Emcee or a DJ and do something way out of your normal character and see how it goes!

10 ways to Feel More Confident -- Let me also add, that even one week at a gym will make you feel like a stud! First off, the gym is intimidating, and you won't fit in, and you will feel even more stupid, but find a big guy, ask him how to get big like him, and you will have a lifelong buddy! Guys at the gym LOVE to share their secrets and mentor a beginner. If you work out a single time, and get sore, you will feel like you've already gained muscle. It is somehow psychosomatic, but I guarantee one good workout will make you feel more confident.


Fake it til you make it -- How confidence can make you successful.

reply to post by mossme89

you my friend are not the problem! it seems the people in your 'shady' class have there own insecurities,so they take them out on you! confidense is everything( i went a little further and turned cocky!!!)

i used to be a bit shy,and just assumed people were judging me. eventually i came to the conclusion that every human is equal,your no better than me,and i'm no better than you!
these people dont sound like cool people to hang with. forget about them socially,you wont know them in 10 years anyway. work on your own path
peace

Originally posted by kosmicjack
As for posing your question regarding social advice on an anonymous discussion board mainly focused on alternative topics, politics and conspiracy theories - let the reader beware.

Hahaha so true. But that's why I posted it here, because there are a lot of outside the box thinkers like myself.

reply to post by getreadyalready


Thanks, but confidence isn't my issue. I'm fine in that department. My issue is how other's perceive me. I have a very critical thinking oriented mind, so when someone criticizes me, my first response is "how do i fix it?" That's partly why I posted this here.

And no, I'm not racist. I'm actually a firm believer of gender and race equality, but I do think that many people get caught up in the "I'm a certain ethnicity, poor me! Everyone hates me!" mentality.

reply to post by mossme89


Mossme89,
Im going to go ahead and be honest & tell you I dont think its you thats socially akward, its your wack class. Also on a side note, who wants to be like the rest of the 'normies' anyways, I like being weird and if you are too embrace it, you are unique is a crowd of everyone who wants to be the same, one certain way, and thats dumb. (to me atleast)
Alright back to your class,
First, that is your classmates own insecurities & troubles taking that personally when all you said is 'you people'. If they took proper english growing up they would know you people refers to any and every race, its merely a matter of which group of people your directing to, not the color of the group. So take that one as it is and know you did nothing wrong and their reaction was ignorant and insecure.
Second, You get up and can walk around and talk? Do you talk with your hands? It might intimidate them because that is a good thing, it means you could talk to and keep a big crowd listeneing and you are an active learner, that to me is an ODD thing to get offended or intimidated over. Once again you are normal and thats your class being weird.
Third, the female telling you what to do, just sounds like a plain brat. Like a controlling girlfriend to b honest..does she like you by any chance? lol!
Smile & be happy youre not like your class my friend! They sounds like a bunch of odd balls bud!

reply to post by mossme89


Don't try and fix it. This is what will make you feel awkward. Let everything be.

reply to post by mossme89


You said you were "introverted."

You can't change what other people perceive, but you can change what you project.

If you don't have a problem with confidence, then why would you let that girl comment on how you sit in your chair? DId you tell her to mind her own f.ing business and concentrate on the project, or did you adjust the way you were sitting? When you said, "you people," and they called you out on it, did you fire back, or did you worry that you had said something offensive?

Maybe you don't realize it, but you do have a confidence problem if these situations are occurring. Never look outward for your problems, always look inward. You cannot change anyone else's reaction, but you can change your own actions. Even if you are perceived wrong, screw em!

My ex-wife used to have an extreme problem getting ahead at work. She is now a top notch bank officer making $400k per year! She went from High School dropout when I met her, to Advanced Degree from major D-1 University and Executive Position at a bank, and she often is asked to give talks as an expert in her field. You know the very first piece of advice I gave her........ make this your motto..... "F k 'em if they can't take a joke." Seriously. Start with that, turn the tables on people, speak your mind, wear your mistakes proudly, and move on. That is a great first step! I got her chanting that phrase and eventually it creeped into her psyche, and eventually she even started to understand and believe its significance!

Originally posted by Katharos62191
reply to post by mossme89

 

First, that is your classmates own insecurities & troubles taking that personally when all you said is 'you people'. If they took proper english growing up they would know you people refers to any and every race, its merely a matter of which group of people your directing to, not the color of the group. So take that one as it is and know you did nothing wrong and their reaction was ignorant and insecure.

Thanks! And I know lol. I mean by "you people" I was referring to the group! And I say things like that to my friends all the time, many times I walk up and say "what's up, peeps?"

Second, You get up and can walk around and talk? Do you talk with your hands? It might intimidate them because that is a good thing, it means you could talk to and keep a big crowd listeneing and you are an active learner, that to me is an ODD thing to get offended or intimidated over. Once again you are normal and thats your class being weird.

I do make a lot of mannerisms with my hands. And it's not even walking and talking. Sometimes it is, but most of the time, it's standing at my seat, with a knee on my chair. lol even my teacher finds issue with this, I don't get it.

Third, the female telling you what to do, just sounds like a plain brat. Like a controlling girlfriend to b honest..does she like you by any chance? lol!
Smile & be happy youre not like your class my friend! They sounds like a bunch of odd balls bud!

I get the feeling she's very controlling. Like I was sitting with my seat facing forward except I was turned 90 degrees towards the group. She found an issue with that and thought I should face the group head on. I mean, just seems ridiculous. And I doubt she likes me. Even if she did (and she's somewhat attractive), I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with her.

And thanks

Create a proverbial mask for yourself. Become a fictional character around these people. Hone your creativity and become an actor of your own ideal. Deceive these people by being someone else, someone invented—at least for the humor. Have some fun. These people don't deserve the real you, why give it to them? Give them what they want; create a hero; create a narcissistic ignorant fool; create an enigma; play a huge joke on all of the people who make you feel uncomfortable. Be someone else. Blatantly and mockingly lie to their faces. Become someone cool and hip. Play them like marionettes and then laugh when you have them wrapped around your finger. Have some bloody fun at their expense!

And then, at the end of the day when you're alone or with people that matter, remove your costume and be yourself.