Any advice on how to be less socially awkward?

Originally posted by LadySkadi

Originally posted by mossme89
reply to post by LadySkadi

 

It doesn't change how I treat them.

Yes it does. Non-verbal cues. Something like 85-90% of someone's communication. If you don't see this then it's understandable that you don't "get" why they are reacting to you as they are. You need to realize that you have some responsibility here.

Possibly. The only thing I can think of is that maybe I appear closed off or really introverted.

Originally posted by getreadyalready
reply to post by mossme89

 

"Why do you people sit in the back of the class?"

Now, what did I mean by that? Did I mean back of class sitters? Did I mean black folks? Did I mean stoners? Frat boys? What exactly am I asking? Is it offensive? Maybe. Maybe it is supposed to be offensive? Maybe I'm calling all the people in the back slackers! In fact, I did use that phrase, as an instructor, at a work meeting, and I meant they were not participating, and I made them move to the front!

EXACTLY! It's all about context. "What do you people want to do [for the project]?" Idk how that can be offensive.

Btw, PMed you.

reply to post by getreadyalready

Using the phrase "you people" sets the speaker apart from those who are being labeled/addressed under the phrase. That can be construed as offensive, depending on the situation and on the speaker vs the group addressed. Factor in tone and attitude and non-verbals and it sets him up for a tricky situation.

Anytime I've used a phrase like that, it was because I was intentially setting myself apart from "that group" whether I consciously meant it or not.

Originally posted by LadySkadi
reply to post by getreadyalready

 

Using the phrase "you people" sets the speaker apart from those who are being labeled/addressed under the phrase. That can be contrued as offensive, depending on the situation and on the speaker vs the group addressed. Factor in tone and attitude and non-verbals and it sets him up for a tricky situation.

All true.

But I don't think that has to be a negative thing. Except, it seems our OP used the term, probably intentionally, probably got the response he expected, but then attempted to backtrack. I'm afraid the class is manipulating our OP here, but our OP is also manipulating us and this class.

He said it, he just didn't want to own it after he said it. He is playing a victim, but he may not be as naive as he lets on.

Originally posted by LadySkadi
reply to post by getreadyalready

 

Using the phrase "you people" sets the speaker apart from those who are being labeled/addressed under the phrase. That can be contrued as offensive, depending on the situation and on the speaker vs the group addressed. Factor in tone and attitude and non-verbals and it sets him up for a tricky situation.

First of all, I said it in a friendly, casual tone. Second of all, do most people seriously overanalyze small things this much lol?

Edit: I might have been unconsciously setting myself apart, I'll give you that.

"Um, I said "you people" not as an offensive thing. I didn't even know it was offensive until it was explained to me.

And I don't see myself as better than other people, I just don't like ignorant people.

Way to look for the worst in people "

------------------------

Let us start with your first line:
"Um, I said "you people" not as an offensive thing. I didn't even know it was offensive until it was explained to me.

Maybe you said this statment in ignorance of the interpretation by others you were speaking to......
OK....I'll give you that one.
So, now you know, don't say it again, and maybe even go back and apologise.

Second line:
And I don't see myself as better than other people, I just don't like ignorant people.

Well, isn't that a backhand slap if I ever heard one.
So, by your own statement, you ARE smarter and DO feel you can learn nothing form THESE people!
( Double Dag!)

Third Line:
Way to look for the worst in people
If someone attempts to correct you then they must be wrong and are not looking at the event clearly!

Honey, I assume you are young, but social graces never die,
Be kind and Think before you speak
( while your thinking, put yourself in the other guys shoes)

Peace!!
Ex

reply to post by getreadyalready


Whoa, whoa wait. No I said it without thinking. That might have been the issue.

I only backtracked because my teacher got mad at me for saying that. And I'm not trying to play the victim it seriously was just an offhand thing.

reply to post by mossme89


What a crap ass service...decent services let you see the post you are responding to and actually include it in your post/repsonse...this is BS at it's thickest and stinkiest....junk....sucks if you invested here...but it will die from stupidity...

Take your money and invest it wisely....i know...affording opinion is good but backing stupid is not...

reply to post by Damrod


lol what are you talking about?

Originally posted by Damrod

What a crap ass service...decent services let you see the post you are responding to and actually include it in your post/repsonse...this is BS at it's thickest and stinkiest....junk....sucks if you invested here...but it will die from stupidity...

Take your money and invest it wisely....i know...affording opinion is good but backing stupid is not...

That was a perfect tension breaker.

*Whatever it meant, still not sure

Bizarre

Originally posted by LadySkadi

Originally posted by Damrod

What a crap ass service...decent services let you see the post you are responding to and actually include it in your post/repsonse...this is BS at it's thickest and stinkiest....junk....sucks if you invested here...but it will die from stupidity...

Take your money and invest it wisely....i know...affording opinion is good but backing stupid is not...

That was a perfect tension breaker.

*Whatever it meant, still not sure

Bizarre

Haha yeah.

So any advice? I mean, I am very uncomfortable in that class. There's one guy who has a knife handle sticking out of his pocket and another who gives me angry looks because I checked out his girlfriend (I didn't know she was his gf). Any advice?

Originally posted by mossme89
reply to post by getreadyalready

 

Whoa, whoa wait. No I said it without thinking. That might have been the issue.

I only backtracked because my teacher got mad at me for saying that. And I'm not trying to play the victim it seriously was just an offhand thing.

Then it is a confidence thing?

You said it, why backtrack? If it is an off-hand thing, fine, own it. If someone is offended by it, call them out, don't backtrack. If the teacher is offended by it, allow the teacher to explain, and then use the Socratic Method to make the teacher feel 1 inch tall. A 2 year old can drive a full grown human insane with a single word.... Why?

You can incorporate your active listening, your intelligence, and your confidence all into one frustrating back and forth.... as follows:

"My statement offended you,,, why?"
"So, you assumed I meant 'black' people.... why?"
"So, we are working on a group project, "you people" are in my group, but when I said "you people," you assumed I meant "you black" people.... why?"
"So, what you are saying, in a group setting, of mixed sexes, races, and national origins, any common vernacular such as "you," "they," "them," is off-limits, because there is a fringe possibility of offense? Why?"

"Just so I am clear, and I don't unintentionally offend any other cultures, is it ok to use the vague 2nd person group address "you" in other settings? Such as when I am coaching T-ball, and I want to say, "You go to Rt Field?" Or is it always offensive? May I use it in regards to a group of white people? Or my family? I only want to get a firm grasp of the rules before I proceed, as I now understand there are some extreme sensitivities involved, of which I was formerly unaware.

OK, maybe you could take it too far, I probably would.

reply to post by mossme89


God, don't ask me, I seem lately to piss everyone off, particularly on ATS lately.

Free e-book (hurry and grab it) called, "How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie.pdf "

www.4shared.com...

I have heard it's not what you say but how you make people feel.

People don't like to hear the truth, they want (IMO) their own frap reinforced with a smile. Most everyone want to feel important and that you think they know the score, where as most are sleeping beauties in the Matrix.

Most people say they are open minded and want to expand their level of acceptance but in reality I have found they don't they're closed minded and proud of heart on core issues.

There I go again.

reply to post by getreadyalready


Maybe it is a confidence thing. I have a hard time questioning the teacher even though I want to inside. Passive-aggressiveness on my part.

reply to post by ofhumandescent


I actually have read part of it in the past, but thanks I might have to go back and re-read it

reply to post by ofhumandescent

Free e-book (hurry and grab it) called, "How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie.pdf "

One of the GREATEST BOOKS of all time! Don't download it. Go pay the $5 for a paperback at a real bookstore. This internet crap is out of hand, and all the decent bookstores are closing down. Plus, for $5 in a paperback, you can carry it to the bathroom with you and read, and highlight, and make notes, and loan it to your friends.

This is a very good book that needs to be read.

As for offending everybody lately......... Good!

That means the things you are saying are carrying weight! They are striking nerves. They are being heard, and they are getting a reaction! I'd much rather offend or piss off people as to getting no response at all. If people aren't hating on you, you must not be doing everything you can. People are supposed to passionately disagree. Good Work!

start eating some asparagus, potatoes, beef, eggs, or other foods that contain asparagains. They kinda make you mellower and easier to get along with. You should have said "you guys" instead of "you people". I guess then the girls would get mad. When the teacher talks you are supposed to be watching and paying attention. Maybe she has got so used to people ignoring her that she senses someone looking at her as abnormal. Maybe she's paranoid. Don't look at her with hungry eyes like in the M&M commercial. Sometimes people of a kind cannot get along with people of another kind and there isn't anything we can do about that. Try to relax and fit in. Worrying about things makes you uneasy and uneasy people are sometimes avoided. If you have a big nose ring and pink hair or wear spock ears I could give you more advise.

Originally posted by ofhumandescent

Most people say they are open minded and want to expand their level of acceptance but in reality I have found they don't they're closed minded and proud of heart on core issues.

Ding. I've found this to be true, as well. With myself, included. The thing to note is whether people understand this about themselves, or not. If they do and accept it, then they are well on their way to overcoming what I think might be something that is fundamentally human. If you don't "see" that there is a box around you (figuratively) then you don't know where to go to step out of it.

Originally posted by mossme89
reply to post by LesMisanthrope

 

If I pretend to be someone else, then I'm no better than them.

Sorry I thought this was a philosophical discussion, not a "how to" on acting in public. Well, if you just wish to keep up appearances for your own vanity and superficialness—then yes, you are no better than them.

reply to post by mossme89


Self confidence is everything.........you can be a blooming idiot but if you show enough self confidence without arrogance, people will actually trust you.

Again, although my ATS name indicates I'm Homo sapien, I often wonder................some of the social "norms" humans have are way beyond me.

We lie, lie and lie some more, smile when we have evil intentions towards someone, blow air kisses, hug and pat on the back someone when we hate the person's guts and cannot truly empathize with anyone until we actually go through what they have gone through (most people, not all).

That is why I love dogs.

If a dog is mad, scared or has bad intentions towards you they bare their teeth and growl.........clear message.

Woman are more like cats, many times they say no but they men yes (and I'm a woman).

One of my favorite scenes in "French Kiss" is when Meg Ryan says, "Happy, smile. Sad, frown. Use the corresponding face with the corresponding emotion.?" She was talking about pouty French women.

See 1:02 that is my very favorite part of the whole movie.



Another thing is how you look..........yes physical appearance matter.

It's a big taboo subject, nobody likes to admit it, everyone will disagree but really good looking people (and there are absolutely scientific studies that prove me right) people that are extremely attractive are taken way more seriously.

In South America, plastic surgery is very much in vogue in order to get a higher paying job.

Now I'm not saying if you have the IQ of a turnip and appear, what is classified as attractive, this rule will always follow, but if you are relatively above average looking and not obviously dumb, your chances, in a face to face meeting are better.

Case in point, When I was in my early 20's and up to my 40's I was considered "above average, about a 8. I could tell on several job interviews (by men) that I had the job before I even opened my mouth provided I didn't come off completely stupid. Could tell it in their eyes.

Many people I suspect will disagree, this is a big taboo, but people yes, in a physical one on one meeting will gravitate towards and be more accepting towards a pretty vs. ugly face.

There are exceptions...........but in general.

Google (or GoodSearch and have a penny put towards your charity for each search) about this subject.

BTW: My husband the first night we went out together said, other than being very attractive and smart, I was clearly honest.............I showed and said exactly what I felt, no head games and that endeared me to him.

Look at Einstein, not particularly handsome.

My husband's physics professor looked almost identical to the older woman scientist (Kate Reid) that played on the original movie "The Andromeda Strain" (1971).

Maybe I'll watch the original movie this weekend.............the remake sucked.

Ok Mossme..., I have had the pleasure of supervising people and teaching supervisor's how to manage work groups. Here are some bullets that make help you.

1. First, look at yourself in the mirror and think about what you see.
a. Do you look like you have confidence in yourself.
- If you do not have confidence in yourself, people will smell it in a minute.
b. Are you well kept and look like you take care of yourself.
- People do not like or respect people who look like a slob, if you look like slob they think
you are.
c. Are you informed on have knowledge about the task at hand.
- be prepared on the task at hand, I would think if you are the leader of the group you
should know at least as much as they do.
e. Don't be a winger...only few a people can get into a project and wing it...study-prepare
f. There are many self help course on leadership..this works well.
g. Great leaders are born.....real good leaders are developed.

Last....there will always be an ass hole or two in most groups, be prepared to take them on
with knowledge/skill first...then use you rank as a last resort..