Positivity Thread for Sad & Lonely Souls (help me make it if you enjoy spreading happiness)

reply to post by Ilyich


I don't think "enjoy" is the right word to use concerning your words, Ilyich, but I did read them all.

So, when you say you miss M, what is it that you are missing?

Are you missing the "thrill"?

Are you missing being hurt?

Are you missing being taken advantage of in financial, emotional, and spiritual ways?

Are you missing feeling unrequited attachment?

What is it, exactly, that you would want to rekindle with this person?

Or, is it that you are finally getting to a point where you are becoming whole, and you do not know how to handle becoming Ilyich-to-be-appreciated-and-whole, so want to go back to that "comfort" of being Ilyich-to-be-crapped-on?

I agree, it's very scary to change, especially when it comes to our own ideas of self-worth and identity.

You, Ilyitch, deserve much better than what M has to offer.

You deserve to be respected, listened to, cherished, hugged, snuggled, talked to, and Loved for who you are, not what you can afford to buy or the amount of abuse you are willing to tolerate.

You said in the other post that you have a fiance. How does s/he treat you?

If you wouldn't mind giving a compare/contrast between M and Fiance, to see what it is about Fiance that is not as exciting or attractive as M, I'd honestly like to explore this with you.

-ottobot

"Our divine father in heaven, creator of the infinite, master of the intricate. Today on the 28th we ask you to guide the lost souls whose hands are extended in grace, and take them by the hand and walk with them. Without words you speak to those with open ears in miraculous ways. You know of course the severe doubt which exists in alot of our brothers in these modern times, every time, increasing your presence to define yourself. It's now up to them if they want to hear.
You always gave us the choice and your divine gift of life is the ultimate proof of your love for us.
In Yeshuas' name, Amen"

Ryan B.

reply to post by HamrHeed


Hello, HamrHeed, thank you for taking the time to say that loving prayer. It was kind of you.

- ottobot

Originally posted by ottobot
reply to post by HamrHeed

 

Hello, HamrHeed, thank you for taking the time to say that loving prayer. It was kind of you.

- ottobot

No problem at all madam, pass it on

I miss loving someone unconditionally, I miss the structure, I didn't have to have friends because I wasn't allowed, I didn't need to know what to do beause I was told. I miss that thrill of waiting for M to come home wondering how things would go. I most certainly do not miss the abuse, it was more that feeling of making up. I never felt more loved in those moments as sick as it sounds.

I suppose I'm not sure why I miss M at the moment I was, but it made certain things much easier. For instance, I have huge anxiety when it comes to well... doing anything. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends, so when people ask me to do something I instinctively say no, because with M it would lead to a fight, whether it be accusations I'm cheating, drinking, up to no good, going to break up with M and so on. So instead of going out I would not to avoid those situations, now I still avoid everything but I don't really have an excuse. I just don't want to, and if I was with M I would feel justified in this. I just don't get anything out of being around other people. I don't enjoy having conversations, going out and about and experiencing things when I can do them on my own if I want. I learned to be very happy alone. If I wasn't it lead to trouble so I just learned. I write, I read, I build or create things. I used to paint, draw, play piano, guitar, trumpet and a few other instruments not as well but again my interest in these things faded. I got rid of my piano, because M didn't like it. I kept one of my guitars and gave up trumpet because it's too loud.

In fact I went and visited my ex high school sweetheart and she was baffeled by how different I was. I wasn't outgoing, exciting, the center of attention. I wasn't popular or creative, I was handed a guitar and instead of playing away what ever came in my head I asked what do you want me to play? " Just play." Well I don't really play anymore. This lead to a long weird conversation about how quiet, and reserved I had become. I went from being a social butterfly of a rockstar to a submissive, worn down piece of trash.

So I guess, the part I miss about M is the sense of Identity the relationship gave me. It justified why I am the way I am, it gave me a place to fit in.

It's hard to give a side by side here, but I will try I will start with M.

Attractive, fun, playful, enormous sex appeal, affectionate, outgoing, spontaneous, a sense of danger and thrill, said all the right things at the right times. M could make everything feel alright, or make the world feel like it was going to end. I suppose I have never loved anyone like I did M before. It was unconditional, immaculate, and the purest I've ever given.

However for the negative side, deceitful, compulsive liar, unfaithful, completely and utterly unpredictable in the worst possible ways. One minute I'd expect things to be good, as they had been and it would be chaos. Changed on a bloody hair. Manipulative, this worked in both a positive sense and a negative sense. M got me to do some really #ing crazy # in our relationship. I've physically attacked and threatened individuals because she said jump. M has on a number of occasions claimed people have done awful things to her so that I would defend or vindicate a situation for her. I was lead to believe an individual stalked and attacked her only to find out as I was in handcuffs, that the two had been "dating" and M was angry at the individual, and knowing I would do anything for M I did. This even worked as far as little things like giving her money, or more extreme things like helping her lie or deceive M's family, or my own. I'm putting this part in the negative because it is. M was the most important person in my life. I would have killed my own family for M. M physically and emotionally abused me. Cut me with knives, glass, burned me with cigarettes, lighters, once heated up a ring and dropped it on my back while I was " sleeping in" carved an infinity symbol in my chest, as well as got me to get the symbol tattoo'd on me.Sexually Abused me in disturbing, and creative ways. I don't know what else I can go on forever. 4.5ish years of unique #.

my fiance,
Sweet, caring, kind, playful, attractive, fun, reliable, truthful, a true companion, actually my fiance comes off as too good a lot of the time which with my history leads me to believe things aren't the way they are but in my moments she remains as transparent and accommodating as can be. Jess is incredibly patient, and has been through a lot of similar situations. Survived her own abuse at the hands of an alcoholic father, and abusive ex. Often she will commend me on my strength, and perseverance but where I'm unbreakable on a physical level, I lack the emotional strength she shows time and time again. I feel with Jess, I get to be the strength with physical situations, where as she shines on the emotional. We fit amazingly well, and I probably would not be where I am with out her.

Doesn't help I can't help but feel I was born at the wrong time. I feel like the world around me is so foreign and I can't help but think I was meant to be some where else. Perhaps Titan(staurnVI), Neptune, or perhaps somewhere in the past. My musical tastes don't reflect anyone else's my age. youtu.be... I mean at the ripe age of 25, the rest of my generation is listening to solo auto tuned crap with computerized back tracks ripping off classics. Grinding their horrible dressed steroid riddled bodies into one another consuming copious amounts of liquor.

I've always been called an old soul, wise, mature, it goes on and on. I take greater pleasure in the little things in life than most others seem to, but as of late it seems more and more a tease to look outside and see the garden in bloom, the sun shining and feel like it's 50 below, dark and acidic.

Oh man, I love Louis. I can't help but think of M listening to his music though, so it gets a little daunting to even enjoy some of the music I like.

I intended to finish after that last post but I'm sitting smoking another cigarette fingers buzzing like a million bees. I suppose I can't help but be the way I am right now. I find it hard to enjoy most things, when I'm weak, exhausted, shake like a chihuahua, on a million and one medications for a million and one problems. Losing more and more weight each and every day and enjoying less and less of the things life has to offer.

I spend more time asleep, than most people do in a month in a single week. I have a whole lot of time to think when I can't sleep. Lately, it's starting to turn the other way. Today is the first I've slept in two days. I dream of far off lands, beautiful scenery, creatures I've never thought I could dream of. Unique emotions, colours and sensations I didn't know were possible. I even dream when I'm awake. With my anxiety, depression, and physical ailments I can't help but spend a whole lot of time meditating, and asking angels to take me away, and I wonder if perhaps the figures I've dreamt of were angels, and the places and feelings I've felt were the other side.

It gets difficult when you feel more and more detached from yourself. You start to lose touch with what is real and what isn't. I've had dreams on nights where I've slept for 14+hrs so real I've woke up thinking I'd really gone and done the things I had done. Even so much as to ignore food and go back to bed a few hrs later.

I'm trying really hard to keep myself positive but it's not an easy thing. I've noticed the posts I right becoming longer and longer, filled with more of my heart and personality. As well, at times I feel as if those around me are sharing the same feelings, thoughts, and experiences on a level I've never noticed before. Almost as If I know whats going through their heads on an emotional, reactive, or chemical level, I just don't know how to translate it to words. I've also experienced what I can only describe is the breath of a higher being, in my lungs, on my neck, or ear. Its touch, on my arm, shoulder or ear, which doesn't feel much like anything else I've felt. It's like when hair brushes against you, along with a warm comforting sensation.

I've lost my train of thought. Part of what I'm going through feels like my head is pulsing or tingling. It's almost an electric shock sensation minus the " Electric Pain" part. That slight contraction, tingle or pulse, sometimes is in my head, nose and ears, and others it spreads down my neck into my shoulders, and chest. Along with what feels like a momentary lapse in all thought and function. If I'm standing it will feel as if I'm going to fall, but it's so brief it leaves me with more of an uneasy omg feeling than an actual collapse. Unfortunately, along with this sometimes I forget what I'm doing. Not to the extremes I don't know where I am or will crash my truck, but I get disorientated, which is then followed by frustration, anger, anxiety, fear then depression. I can't help but wonder If this is something really bad. The real unfortunate part is, we've found out it's not my medication, it's not anything bacterial, viral, fungal or parasitic... So what's left? You may be thinking differently than me, but everything I know and look in to likely means I'm going to have to deal with it the rest of my life. The part that's scary is what is it. Is this the early stage? or is this all it will be? Is the shake going to turn into something more like Michael J Fox? Am I going to die? It's been 2 months and 13 days since we started testing, and we really have no more idea what's going on than we did before we started.

It started out like a flu. I had a fever, a headache that had persisted for 3 days. Throat was sore, glands were swollen in my neck, under my jaw, behind my ears. Was put on Anti-Biotics, sore throat, headache went away, glands started to come down. Then I got weak, exhausted, and started shaking, kidneys pain, which stayed

and eventually developed into what I have today. This has to be the end, because I've been going on for 3 posts now. Please keep in mind this is part 3 of 3. I don't think they have been interrupted, so please read them all.

I need to go lay down, I've got myself in a right tiff right now.

Thanks for trying to help me guys. It is appreciated, and even though I'm not one to go out and be social in the common sense, I'm not what most people expect out of an introvert. I get along fine with people, I fit in, people like me, they think I like them. They almost always attempt to persue a friendship but I'm not one for friends. On the surface I'm pretty good at being a member of society, how ever getting to know me is difficult because I make it.

youtu.be...

reply to post by Ilyich


I'm going to tell you the truth, Ilyich, M sounds like a sociopath. You would end up dead if you went around her again. Basically, she will use you up until there is nothing left and then laugh when you die. There's nothing more to say about it.

I get that you "crave" that structure and sense of identity you had while around M.

But, that unconditional love you felt was only one-sided. You loved that thrill of reciprocation so much that you did anything in your power to get her to notice you. There are different types of love, and unconditional love (agape) does not require reciprocation because it is so pure that it exists without cause or waver. What you described is known as limerence, and it was "pure" because you felt it very deeply.

But, you know, the way you describe Jess... it is clear to me that you truly love her, and not only in a slavish manner, because you have a mutually caring relationship. You have found a true gem, Ilyich.

That suspicion you feel that she's "too good" is those old ways and beliefs about yourself ("I don't deserve this. She's only being nice because she wants something from me. What's she even doing around me?"), which results in mistrust of others trying to trip you up. You need to tell her when you feel like this so that she can help you through it.

That feeling you have that things are changing and you feeling like the world and dreams are more vivid is you Waking Up.

You are starting to come back to who you really are.

You're the only one who knows who you really are. And, honestly, you've probably never had a chance to become who you really are.

If you need structure, take the time to make structure for yourself. Build up confidence in yourself and your abilities. Remember what it is you enjoy, what it is that makes you Feel. These are the things you can use to add structure to your life.

Alternatively, do you feel like you'd be up to making a plan with Jess to structure some of your lives together? Because, after all, if you do marry, you will be sharing much of your time together. Why not start doing things you are both interested in now?

I'm sorry to hear of your illness and resulting worries about it. There's nothing I can say to you to ease your mind. But, you have someone who is by your side to help you through anything that comes your way. Take note of her now, and let her know how much she means to you. All you have is the present.

You have described the touch of a loved one in those moments where you sense a higher being. There is someone looking out for you and comforting you. That warm and comforting feeling is incomparable.

I don't fit in anywhere, either, and have always felt out of place. Right there with you on the old soul deal. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with being alone, either. You are who you are, and you are perfect, Ilyich.

You know what? I am proud of you. You wrote all of that out, you thought about it, you felt all those things you needed to feel. You even slept some. Awesome. *highfive*

Just take it one day at a time, my friend, the journey is the destination.

How is everyone doing these days?

I trust No News is Good News?

I'm doing very well, myself.

This is an inspirational story.The yoga teacher is a former WCW wrestler.Similar to the WWE or some know it as WWF.Always seek a second opinion and try different therapies.

reply to post by celticdog


I love the story, celticdog. I think I got all weepy the first time I watched that video.

Thank you for posting!

reply to post by ottobot


It is amazing how the body can heal with the right form of treatment.The regular doctors don't think of other ways.Go with how you feel and what you need.There are bad doctors too just like there are bad mechanics.

Here's some music to close your eye's and relax to - hope you enjoy:

reply to post by OzTiger


Haha, OzTiger, thanks for posting that! Put a huge smile on my face and definitely helped me to relax.

reply to post by celticdog


You're right, celticdog, the human body is an amazing thing.

It's also worthy of note that a positive attitude can change one's whole outlook one illness AND help the body to heal on its own and more quickly. Thank you for your posts.

So, I'm going to do some down & out, "woe is me" whining and complaining about my feelings:

I feel hate in my heart for my own emotions. As I have mentioned before, I spent much of the past decade suppressing and ignoring my emotions because I felt (still feel) like they are insignificant and irrelevant to my life.

The life I live, which is rooted in a number of unfortunate and awful mistakes I made as a teenager, and the morals I have do not allow me to change my life in all of the ways it needs to be changed.

At this point, my dilemma becomes: do I stagnate to save other people pain, or do I plow forward while knowingly hurting other people?

Sometimes, I can't figure out whether it's better to intentionally hurt myself to avoid hurting others, or to just hurt other people and not care about it. I feel like there's supposed to be some happy medium, but I'm just not seeing it. Since I have no support and nobody who cares about my feelings in an unbiased way, I keep going back and forth: Who is important? When am I important? Should I ever expect to be important, even to myself?

So, I say I "hate" my emotions... but, really, I can't understand them or their purpose. I feel like there's a reason they exist and a reason they are so glaringly incompatible with my real life... but I don't understand the reason. I don't understand why I am "supposed" to feel like this, and I don't get the point of it.

I've tried to let everything go. I've tried to focus on and analyze on all aspects of all of my problems. I've tried just dealing with issues as they arise and not thinking about them otherwise. But, nothing works. The problem does not go away, and the problem will likely never go away.

So, do I just succumb to a life of dissatisfaction? Do I accept that I will always have feelings I cannot control and that I do not know what to do with?

Right now, all I can do is live the moment I'm in. But, it is painful.

sadness,grief,anger,depression,at fault,alone,hate,anxiety,guilt,pushing people away,wrong partner, suppression of feelings,making yourself sick, your a person who likes to please.Parents not happy with choice, Trying to make something work when it is not suppose to.
Always trust your feelings it is your body telling you something. Learn to listen to it but if you don't it will really tell you by making you listen with sickness. You have to be a bit selfish and love yourself. You cant love someone if you dont love yourself. You have suppressed your feelings for so long ( the bottle is full it is time to empty it.) Try some meditating to get in touch with the inner you and dont be afraid of whatever emotion comes up just let it flow. Use chakra meditating cds to get your chakras working again. Your 7th and 6th chakra are in reverse deals with personal identification and devotion. Your 5th is stopped. You don't speak your mind it is caged off. 4th heart ..is in spinning in reverse..Your heart has majorly been broken but it is still out there on your sleeve so to speak. 3rd..it is stopped, anger is the dominate emotion. stomach problems. There are 3 people involved . 2nd sacral ,sexual centre ..is closed off as well as your root chakra. Hope that helps and take care. You can let me know how you get on if you want to.

reply to post by ottobot


oops my post was meant for you

I don't know very much about the Chakras, though I do practice Yoga and am familiar with the associations. I am going to try to decipher what you mean using my very limited knowledge as it applies here.

Originally posted by celticdog
sadness,grief,anger,depression,at fault,alone,hate,anxiety,guilt,pushing people away,wrong partner, suppression of feelings,making yourself sick, your a person who likes to please.Parents not happy with choice, Trying to make something work when it is not suppose to.

You know what is interesting? I don't actually "like to please". I appease people so that they will stop bothering me. When I was young, I would do whatever I could to please people, then I realized that people can never be pleased. So, I stopped caring. But, I still catch myself appeasing people so they will shut up and leave me alone. :-/

I really have very little to do with my parents, I rarely talk to my mother and I completely cut off all communication with my father. Unless you are speaking about me as a parent, because then that does make sense: I am trying to make the best of a painful and complicated relationship between myself and my children's other parent. It is very frustrating and I feel stifled and trapped and hopeless and confused on how to exist. This is why I can only exist moment to moment - thinking of the past makes me weep, thinking of the future makes me feel extreme confusion.

Always trust your feelings it is your body telling you something. Learn to listen to it but if you don't it will really tell you by making you listen with sickness.

I am very rarely sick. The only "sickness" I have is heartsickness, where my heart and stomach feel weird and I feel overwhelming sadness. Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to just go to sleep and never wake up.

I was thinking about this same thing the other day - I was thinking that there must be a reason I feel like this, but I don't really understand how to fix or soothe it?

You have to be a bit selfish and love yourself.

Yes, I am learning to love myself. However, I feel like I have a mental block when it comes to being selfish. It is against my nature to do selfish things, and I find that when I try to do something even a little selfish, I get feelings like I am doing "the wrong thing", even though I know that I need to do things for my own well-being. I have been deprogramming this little by little, because I know it is a remnant of that little girl I used to be who thought that the only way people would ever love me is if I gave them everything and kept nothing for myself.

You cant love someone if you dont love yourself. You have suppressed your feelings for so long ( the bottle is full it is time to empty it.) Try some meditating to get in touch with the inner you and dont be afraid of whatever emotion comes up just let it flow. Use chakra meditating cds to get your chakras working again.

I don't know if they have ever worked properly. Therefore, I do not know how they are supposed to work. I have dome some meditation work using yoga as my base, but it is really only effective for short periods of time. Sometimes when I get upset, I will just start doing OM very loudly until I feel like my emotion has come out. /sigh I write out my feelings, but, again, I do not have anyone to talk to who will actually listen objectively or who will not be automatically making judgments or giving me irrelevant advice. Besides, the only people I can safely love with abandon are my children. I can't ever remember feeling like a child - safe, secure, loved unconditionally, happy, carefree - and I want to be like them. I figure that if I learn how to love and trust like they do, I will be able to love and trust myself. So, that is my focus.

Your 7th and 6th chakra are in reverse deals with personal identification and devotion.

Devotion to others overrides my personal identification?

Your 5th is stopped. You don't speak your mind it is caged off.

I speak my mind now (only past 2 years), but still find it hard to at times.

4th heart ..is in spinning in reverse..Your heart has majorly been broken but it is still out there on your sleeve so to speak.

That's fairly accurate.

3rd..it is stopped, anger is the dominate emotion. stomach problems.

No, just sadness. I gave up on anger a long time ago.

There are 3 people involved . 2nd sacral ,sexual centre ..is closed off as well as your root chakra.

Well, I repress my actual feelings for the sake of others, so. Yeah, very accurate.

Hope that helps and take care. You can let me know how you get on if you want to.

Yeah, it helps to some degree, because you are right on with this assessment. The problem is that I don't know how to move forward. I am stuck spinning the wrong way and have no idea how to get permanently unstuck. Thank you for the assistance, celticdog.

reply to post by ottobot


I have learned to get rid of past pain is to confront it personally or mentally so you can let it go. Having no contact with your parents has and will cause you pain. Your parents are hurting too. This first pain caused the rest so go back to source to heal. Apologize to them ,apologize to yourself..It is tough to speak your mind when you have never done it. I use to be just quiet and walk away from confrontation. My Dad is a talker/controller but not really a listener.He means well but if I keep letting him do it to me it makes me feel bad.So I have put the boundary up which upsets him.I have done it several times and he is starting to listen just a little bit.It is having your own personal boundaries is the way. Here's a tip project the colour pink around the person you are having a problem with and push your energy towards them and say stop in your head. You cant let their energy take over yours then you become weak and feel drained after being around them.
Have you given thought that maybe you might be empathic. You take on feelings of others but think they are your own. It makes you over whelmed with loads of feelings.I didnt know I did this for years now I have learned to put a shell around me to block those feelings from others which in turn you get to your true feelings. Number one chakra to start with is the root chakra to ground yourself other wise you are like a balloon,floating about with all kinds of feelings then work on the others.....................Take care and here to help