My first book.. Intro.. Opinions please

As the morning sun rose, its rays pierced through the slight opening between a worn set of curtains, the sunlight slowly moving across Christophe’s sleeping body. It was a very hot day that had barely cooled at all throughout the previous evening and the sweat from an uncomfortable nights sleep soaked parts of his pillow. The sun’s piercing light slowly moved over Christophe’s eyes. He rolled over in disapproval, quickly turning his sweaty back to the majestic ball in the sky.

Half asleep and half awake, he could hear the unrelenting chirping of the male Robins marking their territory, the persistent sounds eventually waking him. Christophe walked over to the curtains and drew them apart. Excluding the Robins, it was a relatively quiet morning and as he gazed down from his bedroom window he could see the east London estate he had spent the last 16 years of his life, living on.

He went over to his computer and turned it on. He sat looking at the monitor with sleep in his eyes, half glazed over from a broken nights sleep. Eventually he managed to log on to a website, the banner at the top of the page read “ATS Abovetopsecret.com Deny Ignorance”. This was Christophe’s normal morning pit stop. He was a daily participant on the ATS forums and enjoyed the many contributions from those of like mind. Abovetopsecret.com was a site for Conspiracy Theorists mainly but also for those who appreciated alternative news and information on the more taboo subjects that were not normally discussed in social circles in the real world. Christophe felt this was the perfect outlet for his thoughts, feelings and beliefs with the promise of anonymity.

For many years Christophe had frequented the many boards adding countless posts and receiving his fair share of stars and flags for his contributions although he never become attached to any of the members enough to form any sort of bond. He was very private regarding the many thoughts and opinions he had mainly due to the past reactions he received from friends and family when discussing such topics. He felt as though the people around him were content to simply go about their daily lives without having to question their reality and existence. He however fell into the habit of doing the exact opposite.

It was a few minutes past 8am in the morning and after browsing for 20 or so minutes Christophe went into the kitchen to fix himself a strong coffee which he would do every morning to go alongside his morning smoke. Sophia, his flat mate had already left for work by then. She had moved into Christophe’s one bedroom flat about 5 months earlier after he was introduced to her by his now ex-girlfriend. He thought it would be a good way to generate an additional income and when he met her he instantly took a liking to her soft, sweet nature.

Sophia was living in London after having moved there from Spain to learn the language and advance her career. She was about 5’8, slim and had shoulder length brown hair. She would on occasion don a pair of reading glasses and could go from looking like a relaxed and sweet casual flat mate in her grey, cotton jogging bottoms and tee-shirt to a more studious and focused intellectual once her reading glasses were on. Christophe had an affinity for Sophia but did not risk mixing business with pleasure and so over the 5 months of living together they had formed a good platonic friendship.

I have a really good plot line with lots of twists and turns... just wondering what you all thought of what i got down so far..

Thanks

reply to post by nakiannunaki


I haven't finished reading yet, but you may get more feedback if you can break into paragraphs or outline form. Will edit when finished reading material.

Edit: Thank you for breaking it up a little, my eyes are not what they used to be!!

I like it. I would have different suggestions depending on what form you think your working towards - short story, book, etc. The longer the project, the more I would suggest withholding some of the descriptors (like of ATS), teasing the reader to disclose more later. However, this wouldn't be as effective in shorter forms.

Keep up the good work. IMHO writing is something that progresses when we engage in it, but flounders when we don't just write first, critique & mold later.

Originally posted by Open2Truth
reply to post by nakiannunaki

 

I haven't finished reading yet, but you may get more feedback if you can break into paragraphs or outline form. Will edit when finished reading material.

Hope that's more legible

Thanks

reply to post by nakiannunaki


Sage advice from a master:
Kill all unnecessary words, and try to limit the use of adverbs... (from Stephen Kings: On Writing. Memoirs of the craft)

reply to post by nakiannunaki


But...other than that, Im digging it. Good job so far!

Originally posted by Lono1
reply to post by nakiannunaki

 

Sage advice from a master:
Kill all unnecessary words, and try to limit the use of adverbs... (from Stephen Kings: On Writing. Memoirs of the craft)

Thanks. Is it possible you can give me an example from the text in the OP please?

I thought that was very good!
Where are the zombies?

Originally posted by grumpydaysleeper
I thought that was very good!
Where are the zombies?

lol thanks. No zombies im afraid but there will be lots of aliens and a messiah somewhere in there

Originally posted by nakiannunaki She had moved into Christophe’s one bedroom flat about 5 months earlier after he was introduced to her by his now ex-girlfriend.

Readable so far

there are bits like the above quote that Im not sure you meant??? Did you mean 2 bed flat? (just being a picky proof reader here)

I have to admit I didnt like the overt reference to ATS, in my opinion it would be better to make that a more obscure reference to a fictional web site.... From there you can introduce fictional characters and make it play a bigger part in the story....

You need something out of the ordinary ASAP though because its in danger of becoming just a day in the life of an ATS member.....

like one of the other post i would suggest dropping unnecessary words but you gave me a pretty good and pleasant mental picture of what was going on but other than that the subject material didnt make me want to keep going, now i dont like romance stories, not sure if thats where you were going with this but i would allude to something "more", it sounds like a normal happy day in the life of Christophe! i need a hint of the direction but pretty good! are you a student or just a hobby writer?

Originally posted by Open2Truth
reply to post by nakiannunaki

 

I haven't finished reading yet, but you may get more feedback if you can break into paragraphs or outline form. Will edit when finished reading material.

Edit: Thank you for breaking it up a little, my eyes are not what they used to be!!

I like it. I would have different suggestions depending on what form you think your working towards - short story, book, etc. The longer the project, the more I would suggest withholding some of the descriptors (like of ATS), teasing the reader to disclose more later. However, this wouldn't be as effective in shorter forms.

Keep up the good work. IMHO writing is something that progresses when we engage in it, but flounders when we don't just write first, critique & mold later.

edit on 9/8/2011 by Open2Truth because: because I never seem to get it right the first time.

Hi Opentotruth and thanks for your feedback. My aim is to make it a book. I think i will write a few more pages then post them here as the story so far is too short to get a real feel for where its heading like a poster mentioned. I will get back to work and hopefully get something out over the weekend.

Thanks again

Double post

Originally posted by Versa

Originally posted by nakiannunaki She had moved into Christophe’s one bedroom flat about 5 months earlier after he was introduced to her by his now ex-girlfriend.

Readable so far

there are bits like the above quote that Im not sure you meant??? Did you mean 2 bed flat? (just being a picky proof reader here)

I have to admit I didnt like the overt reference to ATS, in my opinion it would be better to make that a more obscure reference to a fictional web site.... From there you can introduce fictional characters and make it play a bigger part in the story....

You need something out of the ordinary ASAP though because its in danger of becoming just a day in the life of an ATS member.....

edit on 8/9/11 by Versa because: (no reason given)

Thanks for pointing that out. It was intended to be a one bedroom flat where Christophe would take one room and sophia the other ie the frontroom converted into a bedroom. On reflection im not sure but i may have to rewrite that section so the reader isnt confused.

Thanks

Originally posted by POPtheKlEEN89
like one of the other post i would suggest dropping unnecessary words but you gave me a pretty good and pleasant mental picture of what was going on but other than that the subject material didnt make me want to keep going, now i dont like romance stories, not sure if thats where you were going with this but i would allude to something "more", it sounds like a normal happy day in the life of Christophe! i need a hint of the direction but pretty good! are you a student or just a hobby writer?

Yes, i dont want to fall into the trap of making the opening to boring and i will add more to the story and post it here. I think the opening is too short really to get a feel for the direction the story is taking so i will get back once i have more script

Im just a modest first time hobby writer with no real writing experience

Interesting to say the least, friend. Keep it up. I would like to read more!

If you get a chance, please check my short story and let me know what you think.

I'd like to read a little bit more to see where it goes - its hard to tell what direction its going in yet.

I'm a little bit hesitant to offer feedback (because I'm not a published writer) but like someone else said, I'd cut back a bit on some of the physical description. Especially the detailed description of the ATS site , and the physical outline of the flatmate (maybe that could come later when she's actually present in the scene?)

John

reply to post by nakiannunaki


I almost fell asleep after the 2nd paragraph......do I need to try and rest the rest?

reply to post by nakiannunaki

As the morning sun rose, its rays pierced through the slight opening between a worn set of curtains, the sunlight slowly moving across Christophe’s sleeping body.

Well, I would set the stage with the description of the scene first, before revealing names...but thats just me.

"... was slowly revealed as the morning light penetrated the curtains. " or something to that effect...

Just my .02 cents anyway. But all that comes out in the draft.

2d draft size= 2/3 of the first draft.

Now that you have provide the entire internet world with your idea and intro...SAVE the rest until its copyrighted.

At least have a few close friends to review it. Thievery is high on the internet. Your words, ideas and titles can get stolen in a minute. they could have already.

I wish you a lot of luck...just protect whats yours... dont throw it out there to anyone...at least not until youre done and its copyrighted to you as the author.

Best (from a published author)

PS I use mysterioustranger as my screen name because I dont want the 2 mixed up. Ive got 4 published and copyrighted works out on Amazon.