Developed a HUGE crush on not-my-wife!

I've been married for 5 years to a woman who I love more than anything. We've known each other for 10 years. Everything is great and there are no problems in our relationship that I can see.

However, I've developed a HUGE crush on a co-worker at work. We've went out to lunch a few times, IM/email at work, and talk face to face every other day or so. We don't talk out of work at all.

My wife and the other woman have a lot in common... they are around the same age, ethnic, dark skin, pitch black hair, act kind of girly, are always in a good mood around me, and giggle at all my jokes. The last few days I haven't been able to STOP thinking about this other woman. I'm thinking about her when I wake up and when I go to bed. She is almost like another version of my wife, just ever so slightly different.

Anyone else have any experience with this type of thing? It's like a sweet'sour episode in my life. I love and hate the feeling at the same time. I'm addicted to frustration and this is like a frustration orgasm. There is a *new* attraction there and it is exciting to fantasize about the possibilities, but like I said I don't feel torn to make a decision at all.

Yearh.. I think we all do, ofc some wont admit it. Im sure your wife does to, its naturally.
Like animals in heat, its natures way to make us repreduce with more then one female/male, nature dont care about broken hearts, thats somehing humans invented. A ring on your finger wont change that feeling

But you just have to reinvent the spark of attraction between your wife and you.. do somehing new together, tell her what you want, and ask what she want.. perhaps a threesome with your co-worker, be honest to yourself.

If you love your wife and want to stay with your wife. Then you have to cut some ties with your co-worker... You prolly can't change the fact your getting a crush on your co-worker... but if you continue to entertain the thought and have encounters with this woman that doesnt 100% relate to your job, it may end with divorce and heartbreak...

Remember why you married your wife... remember how you felt about her on your wedding day... remember how she looked...

and how would you feel if the roles were reversed... if she was doing the same thing as you... how would you feel?

you got to decide what to do in the end...

reply to post by RestingInPieces


Only you can decide what to do, chase the dream of a relationship with this new woman or walk away.

It has been said that if they will cheat With you, they will cheat On you. Most women know this.

You didn't mention any children in the mix but they would be a deciding factor in my opinion.

My advice would be to work on your already committed relationship and let the other go.

reply to post by RestingInPieces


Its all good, Im kind of going through the same thing at my work right now, as far as these two girls have a crush on me at work. We talk, hell I even flirt back with them, its a great feeling, but............ Thats as far as it will ever go. I love my wife very much, and would never cheat on her. In fact, these two girls know about the wife, and do not care, and still flirt hard core with me, but I think its a mutual understanding, but damn its a lip biter sometimes around them. Just have fun, but watch your boundaries. Just remember, its not lying just because you dont tell your wife about it, and its not cheating if nothing ever happened.

When in the company of this new co-worker, pretend that your wife is right there beside you and see how you react to her then. Better yet, pretend for a second that it's your wife with this "crush" on one of her co-workers. How do you feel about it? A little empathy goes a long way.

This has been going on for eons. It depends on your wife's outlook on things, but in some cultures it's normal for a wife to accept a husband's affairs with other women as long as her needs are always met and she comes first. That works both ways though, because there are men in certain cultures that accept the same conditions with their wives. It is really up to you and the relationship you have with your wife that will determine what the best course of action is.

I should mention that in these scenarios, it isn't often admitted to one another but they do 'know' what is going on. It is kind of like willful denial.

If you are with someone who has their self-esteem completely bound to your relationship with them, an affair can have disastrous effects. But, in the sense of recognizing human nature, this is also a form of willful denial.

I look at it like this, unless you maintain a relationship that is healthy, balanced and keeps the other side happy 90% of the time, you cannot expect your partners mind to wander. And if you do expect that, than you are lying to yourself. Another form of willful denial.

Current statistics put extramarital affairs in a much more common category than people would like to admit. And I believe that is predicated on the fact that no one wants to admit the possibility, because the idea of it is too damaging to their self esteem.

You are headed down the road of hurting the one you love.
You better reign yourself in before you do.
It will be very hard to make yourself do it since you work with this person every day,
If you can find another job (I know, in this day?) DO IT.
Even a pay cut is worth the suffering you will avoid to both your wife and yourself.

It's lust. You just want to get laid. be careful. You can wreck a lot of lives in a hurry here and also put your job at risk. Been there and done that and wish I hadn't. Now I know, but way too late.

Thanks for the replies. It's good to hear some other perceptions.

If you love your wife and want to stay with your wife. Then you have to cut some ties with your co-worker... You prolly can't change the fact your getting a crush on your co-worker... but if you continue to entertain the thought and have encounters with this woman that doesnt 100% relate to your job, it may end with divorce and heartbreak...

Remember why you married your wife... remember how you felt about her on your wedding day... remember how she looked...

and how would you feel if the roles were reversed... if she was doing the same thing as you... how would you feel?

you got to decide what to do in the end...

This is PERFECT advice (in my opinion)... KEEP it a fantasy, but know it isn't one worth entertaining as a REAL possibility. I'm pretty sure we ALL do this, but there is a difference between entertaining it in your head, and ACTING upon it. That's what separates us from the animal kingdom...conscious choice.

Steer clear of non-work related activity with this woman, unless you WANT an affair...just be aware of the consequences of such an act. YOU have to choose which is more important, a fling with this gal, or your marriage. Sounds like you've made your choice, and just like the attention you're getting. Who doesn't enjoy the thrill of a budding romance? I get it. But...if you take it further, you'll have to live with the consequences.

reply to post by RestingInPieces


It makes sense that you are attracted to her if she reminds you so much of your wife, but I'd say just keep it professional with this co-worker. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to her or fantasizing, nobody can control that, but you can control any flirting or lunch dates,etc....This all might backfire on you if you keep putting yourself in tempting situations.

You should maybe do something about this sooner rather than later so why not jump in at the deep end eh?

Why not get the your wife and co-worker together?

reply to post by EvolEric


I agree. You need to cut ties as far as IMing and such. It may seem innocent right now, but eventually you'll want more. I'm not calling you out in any way. I'm just stating facts. Good luck!

A little advice I once received that helped me in a similar situation; Look at what is different in the co-worker, something you see in her that you may have at one time seen in your wife. 9 times out of 10 this missing element is what you are subconsciously looking for. Once you can identify it, try and introduce it into your marriage and see if the crush doesn't fade.

The fact that she is so much like your wife tells me that you don't want another woman. You want your wife, there is just something else that you wish was present in your relationship. For me it was a spontaneity that existed early in my relationship that faded over time. Once I made an effort to reintroduce the spontaneity, I found I was no longer crushing on the other person.

If she reminds you of your wife, why take a chance with a duplicate/similar, when you have the real thing at home. I see no harm in seeing something special in another, its natural, but remember that taking a chance on someone else, doesn't always equal a win.

Surprise you wife, maybe even take some of the guilt you might have felt for considering flirtation with another, and get some candles, a nice meal, and a great night of love making. I bet you'll feel different in the morning.

Peace, NRE.

BTW, whether this person realizes that your flirting is just that and nothing else, they may start to develop feelings for you too, and then thats when the SHTF! So be careful.

Originally posted by RestingInPieces
I've been married for 5 years to a woman who I love more than anything. We've known each other for 10 years. Everything is great and there are no problems in our relationship that I can see.

However, I've developed a HUGE crush on a co-worker at work. We've went out to lunch a few times, IM/email at work, and talk face to face every other day or so. We don't talk out of work at all.

My wife and the other woman have a lot in common... they are around the same age, ethnic, dark skin, pitch black hair, act kind of girly, are always in a good mood around me, and giggle at all my jokes. The last few days I haven't been able to STOP thinking about this other woman. I'm thinking about her when I wake up and when I go to bed. She is almost like another version of my wife, just ever so slightly different.

Anyone else have any experience with this type of thing? It's like a sweet'sour episode in my life. I love and hate the feeling at the same time. I'm addicted to frustration and this is like a frustration orgasm. There is a *new* attraction there and it is exciting to fantasize about the possibilities, but like I said I don't feel torn to make a decision at all.

Dude, stop emailing her and stop hanging out with her. Take your wife for a night out on the town and spend more time with your wife. You made a commitment, honor it in good faith.

reply to post by RestingInPieces


It seems like you posted it on here because you just had to tell someone

Have you started talking about this women at work to your wife?? I don't mean telling her about the crush but some how slipping her name into conversations so you can talk about her? If you have, I can tell you it won't be long before your wife "picks up" on this even though she may choose to turn a blind eye to it at first if she trusts you.

If you are thinking about this woman all the time then you are running the chances of calling your wife by the wrong name. You'll probably start ignoring things your wife says because you're thinking about someone else and your home life will start going over your head because you are just looking forward to work the next day!

You're not torn because you would probably never dream of leaving your wife but how many times has it crossed your mind with getting away with a fling on the side!?? As someone else said, if you are flirting, how long will it be before this other woman develops feelings for you! Maybe this other woman doesn't actually like you like that but likes the attention, as in using you to boost her ego and she'll carry on till one day she drops you and you'll feel a bit crushed then. If this is an ego kick for you then just act more unavailable because remember you are unavailable and some women are attracted to that but in the end you can just say to yourself "no you can't have me and you never will" You can always be the one she never got.

If your wife knows you well enough she will pick up on every little detail even though you think you aren't displaying anything. It could be sooner or later that you haven't got a choice......sounds harsh I know and maybe abit over the top but everything starts somewhere!

My advice would be to start looking for faults.....and I don't mean in your wife Maybe the way she says something, the way she eats, walks, anything!! And back off, stop with the messaging. Everytime you feel like sending her a message, text your wife instead. Even after 5 years of marriage there could still be something missing and this might be the chance to find it.

Only you know what you're capable of but if you love your wife you have to stop this crush now.

I think this is perfectly normal. People develop crushes all the time, doesnt mean you dont love your wife and it doesnt mean you want to be with this woman. It all depends on what level you take it.

You say you dont see eachother outside work, so that's important. As long as it stays innocent flirting at work, I dont see any problem here. Im sure my boyfriend has had crushes on other woman, which like I said doesnt bother me as long as it stays innocent.

Since I wrote this I told her how I felt and all of that. We sat in her car today and talked for about an hour. She says it's normal and she understands. She keeps telling me not to feel like a creep for being honest with her. We talked about it and I even asked her what she would do if I tried to kiss her. She said she would punch me lol. She knows I'm married.

I even asked her about "one night stands" before and she keeps bringing it up without being asked saying that it is not something she would do unless she really cared about the person and knew them well. Before she said she would never do it. I think she might be opening up to the possibility. Jesus, I probably sound like a huge asshole. I've never wanted to experience someone so much...

She is a VERY closed person... not American either... she is very sweet a nice. I just feel like... I don't know, there are people you meet in your life that have an emotional impact on you and there are no bounds. I haven't even known her for that long, but I feel like I love her as a person.

Life is complex.