What am I ? Normal or something else?

reply to post by backinblack


Yea i hear you. Its like ok, im out of the matrix, now what am i meant to do... often seems worse than being in it and unaware... Ignorance is bliss and all that.

Originally posted by Treacherous
reply to post by backinblack

 

Yea i hear you. Its like ok, im out of the matrix, now what am i meant to do... often seems worse than being in it and unaware... Ignorance is bliss and all that.

Your first bit is true but definitly not the last bit..I rarely worry about anything and that drives those around me nuts sometimes..They assume because I don't get stressed or worried that I musn't care..Strange to me that people associate worring with caring..

well i was being sarcastic with the last bit to be honest. I WISH i was still plugged into the matrix blissfully unaware but its when you are plugged in but aware that the struggle begins.

I am thankful for my deep empathy, originality and ability to think outside of the box. I struggle however, in the times when i see things in a different way to everyone else but feel ostricized if I make it known. Sometimes you just want a kindred spirit around that gets you. Hard to find i find.

reply to post by Treacherous


I can relate to all that, except maybe the way you phrase things.

Hard to find i find

Like that one

Originally posted by backinblack
reply to post by deadred

 

I have tried to meditate but I trully do not have the patience to do it..
I'm also hyperactice, I can't sunbake or sit in a spa, gets too boring for me..

I grew up exactly like you, and have no real memory of my childhood, teenage years, or young adult life. Always as if I were watching it all from a removed state. I was diagnosed with ADD (predominantly inattentive) in 2003 at age 47 - pretty late in life. Not all ADD is the same, and mine is a version that causes me to not engage with the moment in the way that other people do. I have always been insanely fearless as well, and that's because I couldn't actually feel the presence of the threats that were around me all the time while I was growing up or even as an adult. I did engage in some OCD-like rituals from time to time, which indicates that at some level I was aware of the constant threats in my neighborhood (OCD is about finding a level of predictable security), but in my mind I was simply making bargains with whatever god was listening for an upper hand as cicumstances either did or didn't play along with my version of what was happening at the moment. Like any religious ritual, I suppose.

I have been on Adderall since being diagnosed, and it's helped me do boring things, but the sense of being incapable of fully engaging in corporeal existence has persisted. Most likely the permanent effect of having lived most of my life with this fairly rare form of ADD. Here's a link to a page about it.

en.wikipedia.org...

This Wiki page does an overview, but the experience of being this way sounds a lot like what you're describing. Since getting on Adderall, I've written 4 books (2 novels, 1 memoir and one non-fiction) and have finally begun to get some stuff done. You may want to look into this.

You are what you are not, yet you belong to whom you are.
I can give you my answer though they might not seem all the real or ideal of what you are looking to find and hear(read).
You do not fear you say, yet your fear might be something else instead of dying or fearing death it self. You fear could be that, do you really exist? If your not then why do you live? Why do you continue to live while others live like nothing is wrong or show and appear that there isn't anything wrong. I could tell other fears by looking in the persons eyes, though when I look at mine, I see my fear as something to do with a up coming war that I believe will happen.
Are you a spirit that is wondering aroound aimlessly? Thinking so little but yet so highly?
Could you be a healer? A medichin man? So many question of answers that I wonder in my head, your not living in a illiousion but putting yourself in your own illiousion, find youself, your ture self. It'll be harder than you think, what you call yourself could be a lie; traped under your own illiousion.
I don't know if these could help you, but think long and hard before you give a answer to any of them. Thank you.

Originally posted by backinblack
Does anyone feel as I do?
I often have to really concentrate to believe I am really here, in the now..
Even as I type these words I'm uncertain where my real self is.

Who else drives down a road and has to question if they are really there?
My question is, where am I if not in this world..

I have always been considered different by those around me..
Smarter than the rest..Fearless to the point of being taken to a psychologists at an early age because my mother considered me suicidal..The psychologists concluded the fearless part, not me..And he did mention he wished he was the same..

So what am I? I find it hard to believe I am here..
I worry little about pain or death..Only other peoples problems bother me, not mine..

I could say many more things about myself and will do for like minded members in u2u's..

By "like minded members," you mean people with delusions of grandeur or who think you are special, right? Let me break this down for you - what have you done to make you feel "more intelligent" than others? If you mean a 4.0 GPA, then remember that nearly every kid that ever gets a full ride has near a 4.0. It's just a sign of effort. If you don't even have that, maybe you should reconsider your delusions, because that's what they are.

As for lack of fear of death/injury - let me make the most common guess: Your life isn't worth #, so you aren't afraid to lose it. Ever wonder why movies have a young upstart hero that's from a poor family against a contested, successful, rich kid? Then the hero wins by taking risks. These risks are taken because he has nothing to lose. Don't get me wrong - I am not comparing you to a hero, just someone who realizes, subconsciously or consciously, that his life isn't worth much at all.

reply to post by backinblack



I think, I too, have those same experiences. I tend to grapple with my existence and reality often and when I explain this to people they call me crazy or don't quite understand. I also was taken to see therapists when I was younger. There are times where I feel far older than my true age and times when I am sure that I can't possibly exist. (Right now, I am feeling nonexistent, probably because I am trying to discuss this and put it into words that make sense.)


I guess what I try to do is harness that feeling and use it to my advantage, such as becoming in tune with the needs and feelings of others in order to help them. I don't think I will ever quite be able to come to terms with my reality.

I don't know really how to phrase what I feel because I can never can explain it it ways others understand.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I feel that I relate. If you would like to talk about this and it feels similar, you can u2u me.

Take Care.

I can completely relate to you and it's odd for me because I often think that it's just me who goes around feeling this way. I've come to find though that when I am completely 'present', and in the 'now', that is when I start to question my existence and start to feel the things you've mentioned.

As someone else was saying, I have barely any recollection of my early childhood and the majority of my teenage years, and that is saying a lot because I'm only 23 I've looked into it, and though I've had my sessions here and there with therapists, little check-ins every so often, I've never mentioned that. I had a pretty...colourful childhood, lots of experiences at a very early age and a lot of experimenting with drugs at that time as well so I'm not sure if my brain just kind of shut that out or what.

I feel though that it's more like being awe-struck at being alive. I always feel like I'm just kind of going along but when I center myself and am completely aware, it's almost like I'm a stranger in my own skin. Like I'm trespassing and I'm not supposed to be here. I don't feel like I'm "me" when I'm "here"... I don't think this is making sense. Hopefully someone gets it

reply to post by Cinquain


No, I get it totally...
Just a few fools spoil a thread and it's annoying..
They think I'm whining but I have nothing to whine about..
I've had a great life so far, no illness only one hospital visit..
It's just the feeling of seperation and I just wondered if everyone feels that or just some..

reply to post by backinblack


I wouldn't be surprised to find that you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way at all. I'm sure, like you and me and a few others in this thread, we're all experiencing the same questions towards our existence and what we are, exactly.

i have this feeling sometimes too. when i was little i used to think about everyone else being robots and i'm was the only "real" one. i guess it's a little hard to explain. but as of lately (i'm 20 now) i have also had thoughts about time and people sleeping. for examlpe if i were to fall asleep and not dream (so pretty much i close my eyes then wake up) would my timeline differ from someone who was awake that whole time? would i do things before they did them? would that be deja vu when you feel you have been somewhere before but really you remember it from someone elses "time"? would dopplegangers play into this? i could go on forever with this, but i do understand what you're saying.

i have to much time to think about this stuff.

not exactly sure if its the same but i sometimes get a curious sensation that everything around me is "fake", its hard to explain properly. if you have ever experienced daja vu, its a little like that sensation but also infinitely more surreal. i get to the point where i can become convinced i can "see through things" i.e walls.

i dont mean literally look at a wall and see the other side, but its as though i see the wall and yet i see into another place entirely where the wall never existed., if that makes sense. like i can see the "idea" of the wall not existing and also see the consequence of that idea

also its not just objects i sometimes look into say, an open field and see a field, yet in my head i can see the idea of people, buildings, cars. i can even hear them sometimes but i also recognise the non existance of them yet when this happens its as though im walking on the edge of the thread of different planes of existance and can see both sides. when this happens its confusing because i lose all sense of reality, i even feel as though i could "step" into the other plane but have never tried because if it worked would i be stuck there? wow im confusing myself now haha

reply to post by anondude


Sounds a little different to what I see or feel..
I don't see visions of things that are not there..
Well I don't think I do but who knows..

Originally posted by backinblack
reply to post by thedoctorswife

 

I concentrate hard but still find it hard to believe I am in the now sometimes...
Hmm, I must be nuts

I work in a mental health institute and there's one thing I've learned: If you wonder if you're nuts, you're not! If you think nothing's wrong with you, then you're nuts!

reply to post by backinblack


also i have already been through full psycological tests and mental sanity tests because this seriously worried me for a long time and im certified perfectly sane so its not halucinations im having. just to clarify because thats been a thing people i have told before have concluded

reply to post by pintobean

I work in a mental health institute and there's one thing I've learned: If you wonder if you're nuts, you're not! If you think nothing's wrong with you, then you're nuts!

So true..

I have a feeling similar to yours.....sometimes I just stop and wonder who am I; where my real-self is....but I somehow able to fix it.
Here's a cure......you need to become a goal-oriented person; for instance, here's my plan: get a degree, get a not so stressful job...work 9-5.....support my family....get stuff I have been wanting to buy....do house chores.....play some video game, and at the end of the day.....go to ATS check out what's going on. .....maybe go mediating before going to bed.