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Tell me a joke. I need a laugh.

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posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 03:28 PM
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So a sandwich walks into a bar, the bar tender says, sorry we don't serve food here.

Have you seen the price of velcro - what a rip off.

There's a guy that lives really close to me who's in the Guinness Book of Records for having the most head injuries, yeah - he's only a stones throw away.

Sometimes women really get on my nerves, take my wife.. ..please.

I tried playing cards on a cruise ship the other day but the captain was standing on the deck.

I've failed maths in school so many times I can't count.

I walked into the book store the other day and asked the store clerk - "Hi! - have you got that book on how to deal with rejection without killing? - Do YOU HAVE IT??"

....



edit on 17-11-2010 by anonymousanonymous because: (no reason given)




posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 03:40 PM
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off-topic post removed to prevent thread-drift


 



posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 03:41 PM
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What did the clock do when he finished eating?

::went back 4 seconds::

MOTF!


Edit: BA-DA-CHAAA!
edit on 17-11-2010 by MessOnTheFED! because: (no reason given)



posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 04:01 PM
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I'm having a really good laugh here. You're all great. Got any more?



posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 05:38 PM
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A man goes into a bar, and he has both arms in a cast. He sits down at the bar, the bartender say, "What will you have sir?" The man orders a beer, the bartender brings it, and says, "That will be $2.50 sir." The man replies, "Look, I can't really reach my wallet easily, can you reach back there and get it for me?" The bartender agrees, gets a $20 out of the wallet, and the man tells him to keep $10 as a tip. "Will there be anything else, sir?" The man says, "Yeah, I'm having a little trouble getting the beer to my mouth with these casts, can you help me out here?" The bartender wasn't very busy, so he helped the man drink his beer. After he was finished, the bartender asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" The man looked a little sheepish, lowered his head, and said, "I really hate to have to ask, but I need to go to the bathroom, and I can't even reach my zipper, can you give me a hand with that." The bartender pursed his lips and shook his head, but he didn't want the guy to have to go in his pants. Besides, he did leave a good tip. "OK, buddy, lets make it quick." So he took the man to the bathroom, unzipped his pants, and held it for him while the man went. To alleviate the awkwardness of the situation, the bartender tried a little small talk. "By the way, sir, how did you manage to break both arms like that?" The man smiled at him and said, "They're not broke, handsome ..."

----------------

There was a bar that had a reputation for being "The longest bar in Texas". One day a big ol' cowboy goes in and bellows, "Hey bartender, give me the biggest mug of beer you got!" The bartender bring him the house special. The cowboy looks at it and asks, "Is that the biggest you got? It that ain't enough to whet my whistle. I'll bet you double the price of that beer I can drink it all in one swallow!" The bartender laughs and says, "Buddy, that's almost a gallon of beer, no way you can drink all of that at once, I'll take that bet!" The cowboy promptly grabs the mug and downs it in one swallow.

The bartender shakes his head, looks down, and says "Fine." and walks away. Annoyed not so much at having lost the bet as he was at having to pay for the cowboy's beer and give him the money for another out of his tips. Around closing time the cowboy approaches the bar and says, "Hey bartender, want a chance to get your money back?" The bartender waves him off, "No fella, you got me once, you won't get me again" The cowboy says,"Hold on, man, hold on. The sign on the door says this is the longest bar in Texas. Well, it doesn't look that long to me. I'll bet you $1000 I can stand on one end of this bar, and pee into a shotglass on the other end, and not miss a drop."

The bartender brightens up, "Buddy, this bar is 50 yards long. That's physically impossible, I'll take your bet." They set up a shot glass on one end, the cowboy stands on the other, and starts. He gets no where near the glass, going to the left, going to the right, but no further than 6 feet. The bartender went from being very nervous to very relieved, to very happy. He wished more people would have been there to see the cowboy make a fool of himself. The cowboy finishes and the bartender goes to him to collect his money, smiling ear to ear.

"Well, I hope this teaches you not to make stupid bets!" gloated the bartender. "Not me", replied the cowboy, "I bet my buddies over there in the corner $5000 that I could pee all over the bar and you'd be happy about it."



posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 05:48 PM
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Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested .Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood

pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

--------------------------

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"

------------------------------

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!



posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 06:30 PM
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Its the little boys birthday and he was ill at Hospital.
They got him a cake and he blew the candles.
Doctor - "remember to make a wish and it will come true"
The boy made the wish.
The very next day the doctor was walking around the ward when he saw the boy.
Boy - "Doctor, doctor"
The doctor turned, "hey there squirrel, how you feeling?" he asked.
Boy - "Im ok, but yesterday at my party you told me to make a wish and it would come true"
Doctor - "well, what did you wish for?"
Boy - "I wished that I would get better today, you told me it would come true"
Doctor - "yes boy but you forget, today is April fools"

Thats it.
Terrible..

The doctor calls his patient by telephone
"Vera, I have good news and bad news."

Patient - "Well then, tell me the good news first.

Doctor - "The results of the analysis indicate that you have 24 hours left to live."

Patient - "Well, that's the good news? Then what's the bad news?"

Doctor - "That I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."
edit on 17-11-2010 by Dr Cosma because: (no reason given)



posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 06:49 PM
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Another one.

A man gets the sack after thirty long years, he gets really drunk and staggers home one night.
On the way he finds a rabbit and picks it up.
So he takes off, singing, with the rabbit underneath his armpit.
When he gets home, he digs in his pocket and looks for his keys.
In the process, his wife wakes up, comes down and opens the door only to find her husband standing outside, drunk, with a rabbit.

Husband - "I married a damm pig!"

Wife - "George, its a rabbit"

The man looked at his wife and said "I wasnt talking to you"



posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 10:48 PM
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It looks like a lot of ATS members should go into comedy. Great jokes. Thanks. Keep it up lol.



posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 11:04 PM
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My last one.

A man wakes up early in the morning to go fishing.
Its wednesday and its his day off. Every wednesday its ritual, he goes fishing.
The guy has been going for ten years straight.
So he gets up silently, to not wake up the wife, and goes down stairs to drink his cofee and prepare his equipment.
When he is all ready to go, he opens the door only to find its pissing it down with rain.
'Dam it!' he thought.
So the man puts everything back and walks back up to his bedroom.
He goes in, once again silently, to not wake the wife up.
He carefully gets into bed and cuddles up to his wife and says "its pissing it down".
Then his wife replies "yea, can you believe my husbands out there fishing in that #".

lol



posted on Nov, 17 2010 @ 11:56 PM
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One of my favorite Ole & Sven jokes...

Ole and Sven were having a holiday at the beach in Australia on vacation, but they couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So they asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard. "You're wearing them old, baggy Minnesota-style swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya. . you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following day, they hit the beach with their spanking new tight Speedos and their fist-sized potatoes. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as they walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing...looking sick!

So they went back to the lifeguard again and Sven asked him "Vat's wrong now? We still aren't picking up babes."

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "The potato goes in front!"




posted on Nov, 18 2010 @ 01:54 PM
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true story, this one ;

I was carted off to hopital with toxic shock in the late 70s, just before toxic shock was known about. Because the doctor didn't know what was wrong and I was close on dying with a lot of inflamation in the abdomen and was a single mother, the stupid, little cockerel misdiagnosed me as having an unknown venereal disease. He and the matron decided it was their duty to make sure I was punished for my imagined indiscressions.

So every morning the conceited young twirp of a doctor would make his early morning rounds, followed by the large and much older matron, who, when she thought no-one was looking, would adoringly touch the back of his head. All the hatred she showed us patients would disappear when she looked down at this midget, her eyes would soften and her lips quiver hopefully. He'd ask her, at the foot of my bed, "keeping up the penicillin, Nurse?"
And she'd reassure him that she would never forget any of his instructions. Then he'd prod and poke me as hard as he could, and organise more swabs and biopsies, trying in vain to prove his initial diagnosis correct.

So three times a day the matron would come around with what looked like an elephant needle full of penicillin, and I'd have to lie with my bare butt in the air while she demonstrated her skill at darts and told the other women in the ward why I deserved such treatment.
( - as the lady on one side of me was there to get forceps removed from her abdomen and the one on the other side was getting a towel removed from hers, and the lady opposite died because her "do not feed" notice fell off the wall and the nurse who came in and force fed her when she refused to eat wouldn't listen to us, no-one there was thinking badly of me because of what the staff were saying.)

Despite having a phobia of needles I gritted my teeth and endured this for five days. However, when the matron pulled out that enormous stinging barb on the sixth day, I knew I was going to crack up, go berserk and kill the bitch if she touched me with that one more time. So instead of baring my buttocks, I sat there smiling happily and "reminded" her that the doctor, just that morning, had said that was enough injections, thank you.

Naturally she argued, and insisted she remembered nothing of the sort, so I suggested she check my chart. So she grabbed that and triumphantly pointed out he'd not written anything at all that day. The ladies in the beds beside me quickly caught on, and assured her he'd definitely said no more needles, and she started looking worried. When I asked her if the lovely doctor would get into trouble for forgetting to write up the order he gave, it was too much for her.
"Don't you worry about that. I can make sure he doesn't get into trouble," she boasted smugly, writing the order out for him and cleverly forging his signature.

The next morning she was following the doctor, gazing at his back adoringly as he did his usual rounds. He stopped at my bed, and said, as usual, "keeping up the injections, nurse?"

Well if looks could kill I'd have been dead. She was a purple headed incarnation of fury.
I just winked at her and suggested the doctor may have forgotten, and suggested she show him what he'd written. Reluctantly, looking terrified, she picked up my chart and showed him what she'd written. Seeing his own signature on the order there, he relaxed. "Now I remember," he said. "Thank you nurse for reminding me. These injections were never needed anyway." And they walked out, very happy with each other.



posted on Nov, 18 2010 @ 02:25 PM
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Lol. I love it. Great jokes. Welcome to the ATS comedy club lol.



posted on Nov, 19 2010 @ 11:05 PM
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reply to post by Skid Mark
 


A guy walked into a bar. It broke his nose.

Why won't lions eat clowns? They taste funny.



posted on Nov, 20 2010 @ 05:24 AM
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A Priest, a Rabbi and a Jew walk into a bar and the bar tender says, "What is this? Some kinda JOKE?"

Two snowmen in a field - one says to the other - "Do you smell carrots?"

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? - Snowballs.



posted on Nov, 20 2010 @ 12:26 PM
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--copied & pasted from an email--

BOUDREAUX…



Thibodeaux is passing by Boudreaux's barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees

Boudreaux doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, Boudreaux performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap

of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic

striptease move. He lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a

final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Thibodeaux rushes in and says, "What de heck are you doing, Boudreaux ?"

"Jeez, Thibodeaux, you done scared de crap outta me!" exclaims Boudreaux. Then, obviously

embarrassed, he says, "Me and de old lady been having some trouble lately in de bedroom and de

therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor ........"



posted on Nov, 20 2010 @ 02:22 PM
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knock knock
whos there
doctor
doctor who?



posted on Nov, 20 2010 @ 02:24 PM
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reply to post by Prince1of2gold
 


Who's the doctor?
I would like for you to finish that joke of yours.



posted on Nov, 20 2010 @ 02:25 PM
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i have a anti
shes always bracking windows...
you may have heard of her,
yer shes my anti socail!



posted on Nov, 20 2010 @ 02:26 PM
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reply to post by Romantic_Rebel
 


Doctor who
like the tv series!



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