Tell me a joke. I need a laugh.

Just like the title says. Tell me a joke. I need a laugh. Let's keep it within t&c, though so nobody gets in trouble. I'll start with a couple of my own.

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said, "What's with the long face?"

How do you make a guy stop dribbling in his shorts? Take his basketball away.

Okay, your turn. Make me laugh. I dare you.

Here at the San Diego Zoo, we have African lions. And in Washington DC, we have a lyin' African...

reply to post by Gregarious


Lol. Got any more?

Here goes...

America is the best country in the world, theres no such thing as UFOs, god should be worshiped all day every day along with reading passages from the bible daily, the BP oil spill wasn't a big deal, Bush was an amazing leader and all around great guy, our government isn't hiding anything from us, we are the only intelligent beings in the universe, 2012 is when the earth is gonna explode, we should never question athority, the US is in great financial shape, being a slave to higher athorities is fun, and the world is in the best shape it has ever been.

Ok ATS, tear this post a new one hahahaha.
Ready... ... ... ... Go!

Thought you might laugh watching ATS go nuts on this haha.

reply to post by pinealexplorer


You are very brave. Thanks for your sacrifice.

Well, keeping within t&c would be almost impossible with the jokes I know! Well, most of them anyway! I couldn't even tell my blonde, retarded, disfigured (deformed) jokes! Awww jeez and you can even foget about all the baby, animal and baby animal jokes lol !!!

Ok, after thinking for a few minutes I thought of this one; sincerely hope this is ok, it's really funny according to my 12 year old that is!

A Pirate walks into a bar. The Bar Tender notices the Pirate has a rather large wheel belt buckle, so he says; "Hey buddy, what's with the wheel"? The Pirate replies; "Arrggg, it drives me nuts!"

Holy macaroni, I love that pirate joke!

Here's one: Why did Six eat Seven? 'Cuz, Seven, Eight, Nine!
What washes up on very small beaches? Micro-Waves!
When does a doctor get mad? When he loses patients! *omg, i laugh so hard I might pee*

Best wishes, xox

I cant resist! 2 more:

why did the man throw his corn-flakes from the roof? 'Cuz he was a Cereal-Killer!!
How do you make beef jerky? Tickle a Cow!!

There was a bear and a rabbit having a crap in the forrest.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says....

"Hey rabbit,do you ever have trouble with crap sticking to your fur?"

"Nope"

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

Me and a friend of mine
were walking in the woods,
and we came upon a Big hole in the ground.
So we found some rocks, about the size
of a walnut. Through them in and listened...

Not a sound ..so we got some bigger rocks about the size of a football,
and tossed them down the hole and listened...

Nothing ! So, we look around and see this
Railroad tie,and we carry it over to the hole
and let it go.. listened?...... Nothing !

We're both standing there when we hear this ruckis
in the weeds and brush, And i'll be damned if a
big old goat was'nt runnin right at us,knocked us both
down and jumped right in that hole !

Now, we're standing there shaking our heads when
when this Hillbilly walks up and says; hi there,,
I''ve lost my goat have ya' seen em'?
and my friend said yeah, we did. It was the strangest thing,
It came runnin right at us, knocked us both down
and jumped right in that hole.

The Hillbilly said...Well,that was'nt my Goat.
It was'nt ? I asked. He said, no that could'nt be ....
ya see , my Goat was tied to a Railroad tie .........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The BrainGarden.

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop



2 muffins baking in an oven, one looks at the other and says "gee its getting hot in here", the other turns and says " Ahhh! A talking muffin!"

Great jokes everyone! Let's see some more.

Guy walks into his kitchen
with a chicken under his arm,
His wife is busy doing dishes...
he say's, I want you to look at
the Pig Ive been screwing for 40 years....

His wife said, honey... that's not a Pig, its a Chicken!
The Guy says...
I was'nt talking to you !!!

The BrainGarden.

reply to post by BrainGarden


That shocked a laugh out of me. I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything at the time lol.

Lenin goes to hell. There he turned everyone unionists. They had closed even the fires of Hell. The Devil thought about what he will do with him. So he decided to send him to heaven. After a month he calls God. God answered the phone and the devil says:
- Hey friend what happened with Lenin?
And God answers ...
- First we are not friends but comrades and secondly there is no God


At the time Ronald Reagan was president, an assistant enters and says:
- Sir, the Russians landed on the moon first and they want to paint it red. What to do?
- Nothing, my child wait until they finish first.
After 15 minutes ...
- Sir, the Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red. What to do?
- Do not worry my child, tell me when they finish.
In half an hour ...
- Sir, the Russians have painted half the moon red. I will not do anything?
- Nothing yet.
After 45 minutes ..
- Mr Reagan, has painted three-quarters of the moon red! Please, let's bomb them ...
- Let them do their job.
In one hour ...
- Sir, the Russians painted red the whole moon!
- Okay, now get NASA and tell them to send a spaceship with a lot of white paint and write COCA-COLA along the moon!

Whats' the difference between Michael Jackson and a rooster??

A rooster says "Cock-A-Doodle-Doo' and Michael jackson says "Any-Cock'll-Do'

A man was born with a nut and bolt in his belly button.

It wasn't too much of an inconvenience, but it puzzled him that he was the only person he knew who had such a thing.

One day, sitting alone in the forest he was greeted by the good fairy who offered to grant him a wish. Having been caught unawares, he couldn't think of much to ask for but it occurred to him that he might like to be rid of the nut and bolt.

He made his request and the good fairy waved her magic wand and the nut and bolt vanished.


And the man's bum fell off.

Originally posted by berenike
A man was born with a nut and bolt in his belly button.

It wasn't too much of an inconvenience, but it puzzled him that he was the only person he knew who had such a thing.

One day, sitting alone in the forest he was greeted by the good fairy who offered to grant him a wish. Having been caught unawares, he couldn't think of much to ask for but it occurred to him that he might like to be rid of the nut and bolt.

He made his request and the good fairy waved her magic wand and the nut and bolt vanished.


And the man's bum fell off.

Hardy -har-hard , good one, Bud

Great jokes. I had a good laugh. Keep them coming.

reply to post by Skid Mark


A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Buckley, WV to do a show at the Shriner Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."