What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

Since I was twelve my life has went downhill quickly, I developed a General Anxiety Disorder which led to me having stomach aches whenever I became very nervous and I would become nervous for petty reasons hell sometimes even no reason at all. I would always be worried that I was going to die for about 2 years, I was scared that I was going to fail in school, I had just a fear about almost anything under the sun.

Then when I was 13 I was transferred to a new school where I developed a new disorder, at first I thought I was just shy because it was a new school then it got a lot worse. I was overweight since I was 10 and I was never self-conscious about it until I was 13, at that time I always thought people were looking at me and judging me. I would even critically judge myself before I said anything I would review what I would do in a situation where things go wrong then after I was done speaking I would then dwell on anything bad I said.

I then became more isolated, I had answers in school but wouldn’t raise my hand in the fear that I didn’t have the answers and people would think I was stupid or the teacher would think that. So I sat quietly, I never asked for help either and my grades went from all A’s in 5th grade to a C average in 7th grade. Then other kids would start talking about me because I was overweight and I didn’t have a lot of clothes and because I did not talk to anyone except a few close friends.

As I moved on into 8th grade the friends I made in 7th grade weren’t in any of my classes any more that is when things got very bad. I literally talked to no one and thought everyone was criticizing me and it always felt like people were staring at me. Add to that I had terrible anxiety every morning where I would spend 30 minutes on the toilet because my stomach was hurting from my anxiety.

Just 3 weeks into the school year I convinced my mom to home school me and for about 1 year my anxiety about that school still existed, I had nightmares about being there again. I developed a new fear then, I was always afraid that I was going to be kicked out of my virtual school or the computer would stop working or my parents couldn’t afford the internet anymore and I would have to return to school.

By 9th grade my fear of returning to that school was gone but the other fears replaced it. I then no longer had friends, I stopped talking to all my old friends my Facebook/Myspace and I never left the house except to go to the grocery store occasionally. I completely locked myself away from society. When I would go to the store I would feel everyone is watching me and judging me so I would avoid being around people on isles and I would feel like I am walking funny so I would then stumble(not falling).

This has continued to today, I have found a way of socializing through discussing topics I enjoy on ATS but this is all the socializing I get. I do yearn for a friend but I am too afraid to talk to people my age, obviously this means I am not in a relationship either. I can talk to people older than 35 easily, but it’s those younger than 35 that I have a problem with. I am 18 I want to have a life but my problem won’t let me!

I should also add that my General Anxiety is mostly dormant for the past 3 years since I was 15, but my problem socializing has never left.

So I have to ask, what is my problem? What is wrong with me? Is there any way for me to correct this? Any helpful input is great.

reply to post by Misoir


Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder run in my family as well.

My great-grandpa built himself a cabin to leave his family when he'd slip into deep anxiety. My gandmother, his daughter, locked herself up in her bedroom for most of my mom's childhood. My mom has piercing migraines with her attacks.

I used to think it was a weakness and not a medical disorder. Then mine hit in the early 20s.

At the end of my senior year of college right before starting lawschool, I admitted myself to an emergency room convinced I was having a heart attack. It happened 3 more times that summer and I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.

When I got to lawschool I fought it off with alcohol and valium for a while until I got sick of it. Last year it got so bad that I stopped going to class all together, had to meet with the dean, and eventually a psychologist regularly to avoid getting kicked out of class.

Its panic disorder man. And it appears yours is verging on Agoraphobia. I can't tell you how to fix it. I haven't fixed mine yet either. But you have to fight it EVERY DAY! I was somewhat fortunate to have the story of my grandma wasting away for 20 years and crying about it almost every day later. those stories help me leave the house when i don't want to, stay in class when i want to run or scream and work when i feel like i should be in the hospital because "my organs are moving."

I quit taking my paxil and valium and am not sure if i'm managing it better now or not. but still i hate drugs.

exercise helps, drinking helps sometimes, triggers it others. just remember that this disease, while not deadly is a battle for you life. it won't kill you but it will kill your ability to live. just fight it every day as if that was your last day to leave the room and live.

that's the best i can tell you my friend.

reply to post by Misoir


Sounds like you have a problem with anxiety. I have had that in the past also. Youve been by yourself for so long that you have forgotten how to talk to people. When i was younger i was fat also. It ate me up inside until i finally realized that no matter where i went, at least 75% of the people there would automatically not like me because i was fat. That is a sad fact i know. But something that you must get over if you ever wish to have any good relationships with people who arent douches. Just get out there man. Get out there and mingle. When, in your head, you get to feeling like everyone is looking at you or talking about you, think to yourself "F them! What the F do i care about a bunch of DBs?" sorry about the kind of cursing but it always helped me. That and the fact that i started busting folks's heads. All people have their opinions but few know when to keep it to themselves. If you have trouble like that, punch them in the face as hard as you can and they wont do it anymore.

Anywho a little off track there. lol. Just man up bro. Its not that hard and once it happens it becomes easier and easier.

MOTF!

Originally posted by MisoirIs there any way for me to correct this? Any helpful input is great.

Meditate and take it seriously. Do it every night before you go to bed. Also, learn to lucid dream and/or astral project; even if you fail, it helps in other ways. The whole shebang: ambient music/noise, candles, chakras, third eye, muscle targeting, light breathing/pumping, dream journals, etc.. If there's anything that works, it's the stuff you either fear or don't believe in. Start slow and focus.

You'd be surprised how much proper breathing technique can help you in your every day life.
Here's a tip: the motion you use for breathing is probably backwards. Learn to prana breathe.

It sounds corny, but think positive thoughts, and audit the negative ones. When you think negative, catch it, analyze it, and visualize it floating out of your head as smoke.

Trust yourself. Everything you need is right in your own head.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
Imagination is also more important than pills, but I'm not a doctor.

Picture people in their underwear if you have to - but the key is to do it as often as you can, and actually believe it.

Misor there is nothing wrong with you.

I had the same feelings growing up and all through school but most would never know it. I hid it in a different way. I also had a sister, twin, so I was never really alone but yet I still felt I was. I always thought people were looking at me and judging me. In school I did really good but I didn't participate as much as I wanted to because I always doubted my answers. I still do to this day and Im 31 and in college. I learned when I got older not to worry what people thought of me, it really helped and made it easier for me to do what I wanted and not worry what everyone else will think. That is really what it comes down to imo. You are too worried about how others perceive you in the real world, out from behind your screen. You are a good guy and shouldn't worry what others think, do what makes you happy and get out and meet others who enjoy the same things. I don't know where people your age hang out but why not going to one of those places one night? If people reject you brush it off. I know that sounds easier said then done but really it's not worth it to worry what others think of you. It will only drive you nuts You will find friends in your area. Look online at yahoo groups, there are these groups you can look up in your area where people meet up and discuss all kinds of topics. Find something like that where at least you will be with people of the same interest. I like groups like this personally.

You communicate fine on here and with adults. I honestly thought you were older, like around my age.

There is nothing wrong with you

reply to post by snusfanatic


I haven't been to a psychiatrist since I was 12 and I don't take any meds. I have been told I have a General and Social Anxiety Disorder but I just don't know anything else except it is horrible I'm not even living my life at all. I stay home 24/7 except when I sit outside or go to the grocery store. I am in my senior year of high school but at home because I simply couldn't handle school. The psychiatrist said running from my problems won't make it any better but all I know is that since I left school my anxiety has been suppressed and I feel better even though I wish I could just have friends and a life.

reply to post by Misoir


running will not help. your anxiety has gone to sleep. it will be awoken again in time. you need to lern to sleigh the beast instead of hiding in the closet from it. Honestly not trying to be a jerk here.

MOTF!

I once read a book about salesmanship. The author made the point that 96% of the time people are only thinking about themselves. In some cases it sounds like people are using that last 4% to also think about themselves.

My best advice to you is to volunteer at soup kitchen or church or something of that sort so you can see the trouble that other, less fortunate people are having.

Life isn’t easy – it just isn’t – and it seems that you’ve been dealt a hand that’s going to be difficult to work with – but don’t give up – don’t ever give up…fight it all the way.

Best of luck to you.

reply to post by Misoir


now you're reaching the point where its becoming a routine to shut yourself away. that's a hard, hard thing. i would advise you to ask your doctor about paxil with a few pills of valium.

you will take the paxil every day for about nine months and after a few weeks it should relieve your anxiety. the valium is used for when you are out in public and feel an attack or deep fear coming over you.

i dont' like drugs, but lets be honest, they work sometimes.

at the point you're at now you may need a chemical-push to get you out in the world. once you're there and see everything is ok, then wean yourself off them, find alternatives, keep taking, or stop them right away.

the best thing for you now is to be out and about. medication will help you do that. there's no shame. we're sick people dude. everyone gets sick. and sick people need medication.

i totally feel you on this topic and if you ever want to private message feel free to shoot me one. i'll keep an eye on this bored as well. DONT' BE LIKE MY GRANDMA...

there is a life waiting for you. i'd rather live every day afraid, out in the world, then secure locked away in a box. hell, you're probalby at the point when you feel afraid in the box don't you? if that's the case then better to be afraid in the world then in the box.

get the medicine. shoot me messages when you need support. you WILL beat this.

reply to post by MessOnTheFED!


Every time I ever tried to 'just do it' I always made it right to that point then backed down, I could never actually bring myself to just do what I know I can and should do. I have tried and tried, my mom always told me not to worry what others thought of you, but that never worked for me even though I know she is right.

reply to post by xiphias


Whenever I get anxiety really bad I do deep breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. The problem is that my nose is always blocked for some reason, apparently I have been told I have a high roof on my mouth, IDK if that has anything to do with it though. But I found the breathing technique helps, but not in social situations.

Age changes a lot of things I've found. I had the same ideas in middle school but now that I've gotten older I don't really care if I look odd in others' eyes. Got to have a sense of humor too

anxiety disorder is especially vicious. it is fear without a source and therefore without a remedy.

fear tells you.....there is a bear. it means me harm.

in this circumstance you can assess the situation. analyze the bear. analyze your weaponry or route of escape.

anxiety disorder tells you.......fear for fears sake

in this circumstance there is no external escape. you have to look inside yourself the way you'd look at the bear.

deconstruct the situation internally. deconstruct your life. deconstruct your personality. break it all down and analyze it and then put it back together. build a new you that is an escape route away from a life shut-away.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


Thanks for the post your always such a nice person. The problem is that every time I try and do as you suggested I back down at the last minute, I really have no idea how to fix it. I am afraid it will be with me my whole life and I will never actually be living.

reply to post by Misoir
Not to sound mean, but it sounds to me like you really need to seek some professional help in the way of Psychology. I see some people say “There is nothing wrong with you….” But I would say have a professional make that assessment and not anybody here on ATS. Good luck to you my friend and I hope you find peace and health in your future.

reply to post by Misoir


My friend, i can suggest you a few activities that might help you overcome your problems, but first of all recognize that nobody besides you can help you overcome them. You need to do some introspection on the causes of your anxieties. Relax, try to pick up an atmosphere of peace, just sit down a breathe and try to calm yourself down, you can notice the state of your emotions by your breath, if it is shallow your stressed if its long and deep you are calm. Now, our minds are a trickster, thoughts come and go and most of the times we think that we are the authors of such thoughts when this is not really true. Own your heart, get out of your head. Try this, try to put your consciousness in the area of your heart and keep it there. Many anxieties comes from the fact that we overuse our brain when there's not need to.

If you can observe yourself, you can see that you are pondering about your fears all the time. This is your own mind trying to rule over you. There is a time for everything and while the brain is a wonderful tool, if you get identified by it, that is thinking that it is really you that is doing the chatter, this is the result. I can sit all night and prove you that maybe 90% of all your thoughts about your fears are just unfounded, but only you can see this. What is true then? Your feelings, but not the feelings of fear that come after a thought, but the ones that arises by themselves without brain input. You see, the mind oppresses the heart. So how do you fix this? Be in your heart, at first try to feel good emotions in your heart and get used to this, when a negative thought arises just replace with something positive. Watch out for anger, greed and jealousy.

Now, look out for external things that stir agitation, like bad food, fruits and veggies tend to sooth and calm try to avoid meat and dairy for a while. Discussions, fights and want they all lead to agitation. I hope you get well my friend and take care, cheers

reply to post by snusfanatic


Yeah I have shut myself away from society because it makes me not worry about everything it feels good but bad at the same time when I think about what I could be doing. Who the hell wants to be 18 and spending their days online or watching TV isolated from society having no outside contact other than their families? I really don't like it but I don't have the motivation to forcefully change it. I know the real world is coming soon where I will have to get a job and re-enter the real world and that gives me anxiety just thinking about reality.

My grandfather has anxiety and my mother has anxiety/panic disorder, they have both been prescribed xanax. I am afraid that if I take medication then I won't worry any more. I am even worried about being 'normal'!

Originally posted by Misoir
reply to post by xiphias

 

Whenever I get anxiety really bad I do deep breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. The problem is that my nose is always blocked for some reason, apparently I have been told I have a high roof on my mouth, IDK if that has anything to do with it though. But I found the breathing technique helps, but not in social situations.

I know how cruel this sounds, but in social situations, pick something about each of the people around you and find a way to laugh at it. Practice on yourself at home. You'll know it's working when you smile a lot, but don't smile too much...that's just creepy.

Also, believe it or not, proper meditation can help you open your airways at will.

P.S.
Normality is just a standard. Everyone is a freak.

Nothing is wrong with you my friend. I know you fear having these fears and that makes actually being afraid worse. It happens to me. As a person who in highschool never had a problem with friends I have found it extremely hard to deal with making new ones in college. My family hears less from me, and my friends rarely hear from me. Anxiety is one of the craziest feelings i have ever felt. But i have noticed in my short time having to deal with this a simple hello or making a comment at a weird moment with people helps. No person with a good heart would ever say anything discouraging to you if you just said hello or engaged in a convo with them. I am sorry you feel this way, and i wish i was able to be your friend. That is a horrible thing to have to deal with. The one poster talked about meditating and I did that for over a year and it really help me confront my fears. Dream therapy is a wonderful tool.!!

As for turning your pain into a promising future. I think you should spend this time alone and put it towards a business plan. Use your skills and turn them into something greater than your peers can imagine.

I watch a show on "MTV" and it showed a girl who loved music and started working with herself on second life. I dont suggest you get to sucked into that but you should try to get yourself out there virally. Take youtube for example...blogs are great. You will find that in time, your success in life will take away the anxiety because u are successful and people will look up to that.

You live in life that you want...you just have to create the character that walks among the others.

Best of luck. I hope you can conquer your fears.

reply to post by Misoir


You stuffed nose is most likely caused by allergies. This can be corrected with a good diet.