Originally posted by AccessDenied
Did you hear that thud?
It was the sound of AD getting thrown under a train.
*Did you hear the sigh afterwards?
It was the sound of AD getting back up and brushing herself off.
And with that U2U, reality hit me smack on the head like a 200 pound anvil.
I realize that sometimes small things can change your mood, change your
opinion, and yes, even change your life. Sometimes these small things are
not apparent at first, taking time to sink in. Other times they are so profound,
and so powerful, that it takes some time to realize what actually just
happened to you. And most of the time, the person that has caused such
thought is never aware, even in the slightest, what they have done for you.
That is the case in this instance I believe. Four letters that for some strange
reason have caused me to question what I have been doing with my life, and
the reasons why. A word that came at me at just the right moment to make
me stop and look around.
It came from someone that I have passed by many times in my life. She has
walked passed me, sometimes ignoring me, other times glaring at me as if to
turn me to stone. She is unapproachable at these times, and has one hell of
an attitude towards men.
It occurred to me today, that she see's the exact same traits in me, and at
the same times. Sometimes we even smack into each other, almost
knocking each other over, without ever apologizing. We just continue on our
way, never paying attention to the other as we continue walking. Walking to
that place where we go to hide, and lick our wounds.
We will never admit to the other that we are hurting, instead, putting up a
wall, thinking this will protect us from all that has harmed us. Showing to
the world that we are tough, and can now handle anything thrown at us.
Never looking for pity, although the hurt we hold within ourselves is slowly
tearing us apart, we feel like we are healing. In a way we are, getting
stronger, smarter, and more self sufficient, but with an important part of
And yet, still we walk. We don't walk just for the hell of it. To stop walking
would be to admit defeat, and we won't let the ones who have hurt us to
win. We are stubborn and will keep walking until we have it figured out.
Because to stop walking would mean that we just lay down and wait for
death, and we know that somewhere out there, is our answer. And that
answer once found will bring a happiness unequaled in our lives. So we
sit on the sidelines and wait for the special train.
I am talking about that thing called the train of life. Some of you can go on
and off at will, never giving it another thought, only getting off to take a short
break and regroup before jumping back on. But there are many types of
trains. There is the party train that everyone is on having a hell of a time, and
if you tire of one dance partner, you just turn around and start dancing with
another. Never taking a breather, but also never experiencing what life can
offer you. Never really getting close to another to learn what trust and sharing
can do to a relationship. Never really seeing what companionship really means.
There is the train where no one is happy, everyone wishing that their life
would be different, never feeling appreciated, but somehow, even though
this is the easiest train to get off of, most don't, and live out their lives in
silent misery. Hating the person in the bed next to them as that person hates
them back. Trying like hell to make sure that the outside world doesn't see the
agony in their eyes as they want to be known as a great couple. Wanting
others to think better of them than they do each other. What kind of life is
that, worried more what a stranger thinks than your partner.
There is the train that all of the cheaters are on, no one trusting one another,
no one really stopping to think of the harm that they are causing to themselves
as well as to entire families. Only thinking of themselves and their precious
needs over all others. This is also an easy train to get off of, but for some
reason, it's not until they are found out, and thrown off the train that they see
something is amiss. And they are always full of excuses as to what forced
them to do such a thing. It is never their fault. And so they just jump back on
the same train, next time it happens by.
There are many more types of trains that you can imagine, way too many to
list here. But they all have their faults, and so many people are so happy to
just be on a train, any train, that they can't see the truth. After all, isn't it better
to be on the inside looking out, at all the losers? Even though you are kidding
yourself, and a lot know it, they would rather convince themselves that at least
they are on the train and that makes them loved....so sad
And then we get to the train that few have been on. It's not the prettiest looking
coach on the track, and actually has sort of a worn look to it. If you can listen
over all the yelling in the cheaters train, the loud music in the dance train, and
the silence of the hate train, you will hear something quite special. It is the
sound of laughter. Not forced, not all the time, but genuine laughter. You
sometimes hear children playing, although they are not always there. When you
look through the windows there is only one thing you see....Love.......
Yes this is the only train that requires two people in order to board. You cannot
get on this train without another. And you cannot stay on this train without that
magical gift called love. This is what I learned today after getting a simple U2U
that said *hugs*.
Once you have been on this train, nothing else will do. Nothing. You can fool
yourself by getting on the dance train but will never be happy, never fit in. Once
you have been on this train, the only way you are thrown off, is through loss of
Love, or a death of a loved one. Both are devastating, especially if you have been
on this train for a while. You see the longer you are on it, the better it gets. If
you are thrown off by your partner letting you down, or by a death, the results
can be quite devastating.
There are those that will tell you they were on the train for 6 whole months, and
their life is over, and they know what you are going through. I can't imagine 30
or 40 years as I only was on the train for 15 years.