I used to be a jerk but now I've changed

Some folks would still like to stick a fork in my arm -- do I seek them out and apologize?

Source Link: www.salon.com...

I was a jerk. Self-centered, rude, not taking the time to listen to others, arrogant. I'm not yet 40 and I realize this. I have become a much nicer person, slowly over time (about 10 years) but people don't change dramatically (I don't think).

Why the new-ish me? I have become more comfortable with myself and I've learned some social skills I just didn't learn before.

I can admit that in my youth I was a jerk to most people, in my twenties I was only a jerk to a few people, in my thrities I was still a jerk but only to a couple of people or people I didn't know well but no in my fourties I am honestly polite to everybody and find when somebody is a jerk to me I simply walk away... Interesting!

I have a VERY dry sense of humor...even though I am a nice guy, my personality doesn't make people instantly laugh.

So, my jokes can sometimes come off on the wrong foot...but I don't care. Props to those who can take some satire.

I will hold doors for people etc, and never find myself being a jerk to anyone (on purpose).

A few days ago, I was taking my dog a walk in the neighborhood. A lady got out of her car, looked at me, and said "Your dog better not s*** in my yard."

My reply? "Don't worry, he already did in someone else's."

She looked at me with the most evil smirk ever and went inside. I just looked forward and cracked up on the inside.

Yep, it's that pesky maturity thing.
It gets to some of us and just turns us into nice people.
We need a vaccine or something.

I hear ya, I was a jerk in highschool but I think most guys were because of the social structure. My senior year a grew a ton and by my mid 20's I even felt bad for my behavior and wished I could say sorry to a few people.

I think the most important thing is recognizing your faults, learning from them and then applying that to how you react in the future. You can't change the past so don't dwell on it but you have nobody to blame but yourself if you dont learn and repeat it in the future.

Thanks for the post, It was a nice flash of introspective reflection.

On the flipside, I've been a nice guy my entire life and it's got me precisely nowhere. It may be cliche, but nice guys really do finish last. It's the jerks of the world who get what they want.

Sure, it shouldn't be that way, but in my experience it is.

You would love this thing called www.landmarkeducation.com it's all about the discovery of jerkdome and how discovering this really makes life great.

There's only one tiny catch - and it's not a reason to dismiss landmark, landmark is worth a look! - but not everyone has done landmark and so you discover you've been a jerk, and you REALLY see how everyone else is being jerks unknowingly. It's a little disturbing.

There was a party the other day at a bar, and I heard one guest say to some guy - "In case you want to know, all the landmark people are down at the other end of the bar." had to chuckle at that one



[edit on 6/23/2009 by trusername]

reply to post by Rams59lb


Star and flag to you for admitting what a lot of people will not admit.

As a baby, we are totally selfish, and this lasts for a long time.

If you have kids young, you learn the hard way not to be selfish.

It is something we all learn eventually, and it is a difficult lesson.

reply to post by spellbound


Thank you for the star and flag, those are very much appreciated... I would have to say that every ten years "at least for me" I have become less of a jerk but I am most thankful that my two boy's are very much not jerks and are a constant reminder that nobody really needs to be.

reply to post by Rams59lb


Yvw, but your boys will be selfish until they learn that you cannot function in the world like that.

It is normal to be selfish until you are taught differently.

reply to post by TheStev


Being a complete jerk often equates to insecurities and unhappiness - it depends what you value most in your life. Success or peace of mind?

Unfortunately in this modern day, with shows like "The Apprentice" on the propaganda box, people believe that unless you are a scumbag you won't go anywhere.

It's more down to social intelligence.

unfortunatley our society revolves around wealth, who has the biggest LCD, the coolest car, highest paid job. Its a joke and its portrayed on TV every second.

As sad as it sounds, what we need is a global event that will bring people together and away from modern, materialistic living.

Only when we can live in a more spiritually awakened world, like our ancestors, shall we really see true self in the world.

reply to post by trusername


Landmark education has changed my childhood friend into someone unrecognizable and frankly quite scary. And because of that, we no longer keep in contact.

en.wikipedia.org...

The techniques as described by my friend were questionable and I was only able to recognize them from my own sales & NLP training.

You can find more horror stories on the net if you google them on their training seminars or boot camps...

IMO, its just another Scientology but for people with no religious leanings/all religious leanings.

Originally posted by TheStev
On the flipside, I've been a nice guy my entire life and it's got me precisely nowhere. It may be cliche, but nice guys really do finish last. It's the jerks of the world who get what they want.

Sure, it shouldn't be that way, but in my experience it is.

IMO, its not that they finish last, it's that they are alot less confrontational than 'the jerk'. They are happy to help other people and try and prevent any 'awkward situations' or to hurt anyone's feelings, get in their own way, to help others?

The jerk has no comprehension of feelings beyond his own sphere of existence, he takes less into account, therefore has more streamlined goal's.

A dominating presence can do alot for you if you feel your stuck in the 'nice guy' niche. This doesn't have to be bad, just make yourself a force to be reckoned with. You could be nice all day long, but if something/someone ticks you off, switch instantly, show your angry, let them know that your not happy with what they have just done.

This is slightly easier for me since I'm 6'4 and built like a brick 'out' house, plus I have a very long fuse, but a seriously short temper.

To the OP, may I ask why now? Was it a stark realization, or more of a gradual shift, lol. (You mentioned over 10 years but I more mean recently, anything big happen in your life?)

EMM

[edit on 23-6-2009 by ElectroMagnetic Multivers]

reply to post by TheStev

How true, I have always been very polite and always considered everyones feelings. I think that this is seen as submissive ( which I am not) and people will then use that as leverage to get what they want.

It has been hard for me to stay polite and not be bitter, I think its my sense of fairness that keeps the balance.

I also think that if you are a jerk and realise it you will slowly condition yourself or be conditioned to change your behavior, Just the same if you are a nice person you might go the other way.

In the end it is your decision.

By the way I think I am still a nice guy.

I used to be a "jerk" (and many other bad things) But maturity saw to it that it stopped. Sure, I still have relapses , but on the whole i consider myself to be a nice person. I used to steal money from my family to fund a bad habbit. And after all that, my sister took me back in, gave me a home, , and showed me nothing but love. (which, if I'm honest, broke my ****ing heart, I think I'd have coped better if she was harder on me) It's one of the things that woke me up to my twattishness, and helped me see that niceness is the true way. I've never been a violent man, but I have been a very bad one, at times.

here is to change, and to changed people.

I can relate to this, as a child I was a bit, well more than a bit on the husky side, add to that being japanese and irish and needless to say I was picked on quite a bit. I did develop a bit of a nasty streak that was broken by the dojo my father put me into. Having said that, there are times even now when I will catch myself unintentionally being a douche to someone because they remind me of someone who picked on me when I was in school, and then I end up feeling bad because this person got a full shot of my extreme sarcasm and biting humor undeservedly.


Other than that, I am probably exceedingly nice to everyone until you give me a reason not to be and then usually at that point I just ignore you. One thing I have noticed is that people are not as nice in general as it used to be. I was raised to hold doors open for people, etc etc. There are times now where I just get a weird look, and once at my apt building I was outside having a smoke and as I was finishing I saw a older lady park and start to come into the building, so I opened the door for her. She had gotten her mace out in the car because she "thought I was going to rob her" wtf?!?

Its' things like that, that sometimes cause me to not want to be nicer than I have to be in public, on the off chance I end up getting arrested for just being a nice guy ::shrug::

I have become a lot less patient as I’ve gotten older (I’m only 31 so not that old). I used to be really carefree, nice and accepting. However, as I’ve gotten older and had more life experiences, I get annoyed with people very easily. I guess I’ve gotten sour to most human behavior. I have a few people I consider safe within my inner circle (wife, children, and handful of friends). Beyond that, I dismiss ignorant people with ease. They’re just a waste of my time.

It still takes A LOT to ruffle my feathers and get me upset and I definitely don’t seek out confrontation (as I’m still quite peaceful). I will give you the benefit of the doubt to prove yourself a decent human being. Although, if you want to be a jerk to me or my family, I will slam you without hesitation. If you’re having a bad day and decided to take it out on me, then I’m sorry, but you’re about to have a worse day.

I guess that means I'm becoming more of a jerk as I grow older?

Originally posted by TheStev
On the flipside, I've been a nice guy my entire life and it's got me precisely nowhere. It may be cliche, but nice guys really do finish last. It's the jerks of the world who get what they want.

Sure, it shouldn't be that way, but in my experience it is.

I want to make a note on that.

Someone hit my car during winter. They slid on ice, and I just sat and watched them slowly bump into my back. We exchanged phone numbers, because at the time, I saw NOTHING.

There was a scratch of paint (my car is a POS too). After consulting with a few people, I decided to get an estimate, make them write me a check for the estimate and forget it ever happened.

I made 500 dollars for about a 30-50 dollar depreciation.

The sad part is, I followed the rules too. Easiest money ever made.

I guess I'm not that nice after all...because when the time comes, I would rather be on top than someone else - even if it does mean being an ***. The long term benefits are much better.

Just a quick S@F for you, your thread title Cracked me UP! You are hilarious and I can totally relate to your life, I too am often thought of as a jerk, except by very intelligent people who "Get it" or my kids, other than that, its never clear as to why some people just take offense to my type of humor or think I am brilliant.

I will have a smile for a while now, ty.

Originally posted by dodgygeeza
Being a complete jerk often equates to insecurities and unhappiness - it depends what you value most in your life. Success or peace of mind?

I respectfully disagree. Perhaps there are some exceptions, but I think the majority of jerks are that way because they just don't give a crap. Perhaps this comes as a result of insecurities, but these insecurities don't affect jerks other than to make them jerks. And I think unhappiness comes when you care, so if you don't care you're very unlikely to be unhappy. Being successful at the same time certainly doesn't hurt happiness either.

It has been hard for me to stay polite and not be bitter, I think its my sense of fairness that keeps the balance.

I truly hope you continue to win that battle. I must admit, it was my sense of fairness that was a big driving force in my 'niceness'. But the more I see a complete lack of fairness in the world around me, the harder it gets. The world isn't fair, life isn't fair - so what will my being fair actually acheive?